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So, I am hurting pretty significantly right now and being very introspective, but need you all so I have to post this...
I, more or less, ended my relationship with work hottie last night. And I didn it purposefully and with full intention. And it wasnt self-sabotage because I am dealing with my fat girl demons (although I still am, but they werent at play in this.)
It was self preservation.
But I dont know why, when I am sure I did what is best for me and my feelings in the end, this has to hurt so badly. I am hurt because of what I did, I am hurt because I know I hurt him ... I am so miserable right now it takes all I have not to just break out in random tears. And, believe me people, I AM NOT THAT GIRL.
Now, you want to know why ... work hottie has a child on the way. He got one of his ex's pregnant back in October (before there was a me and him...) in a moment of doing what he shouldnt have been, and he knows it and regrets it. He told me this, clarified what he wanted his relationship to be with his ex (non-existant as possible) and his child (active to the extent possible) and I REALLY thought I could handle it.
I cant. It has become more and more apparent to him that he is going to have to have more significant interactions with the mother - they barely speak and he knows that if he is going to have any role in the childs life, he is going to have to change that. So, when we discused this on Tuesday I knew in my rational mind that he is absolutely correct about that - and also knew I wanted him to do what was necessary in order to have a healthy and happy relationship with his child.
But, the thing is, the fact that his relationship with the ex is an unknown and, as such, is very volatile right now coupled with the fact that the idea of him spending time with and interacting with any woman on any significant level who isnt me KILLS ME, just made me have a come to Jesus with myself and know that I have to (at least for now) walk away. I just know I cant emotionally handle it right now ... and maybe after the baby comes ... in six months or whatever... that will change, roles will be defined, maybe I can better deal with it then. Maybe not. Who knows. Complications.
But I feel so empty. My heart is so hurt. And I am so lost right now... and part of me wishes I had never said anything to him last night - while the other part of me really wants to believe I did the right thing for myself in the long term. I just wish my emotions would follow the latter and not the former ...
I, more or less, ended my relationship with work hottie last night. And I didn it purposefully and with full intention. And it wasnt self-sabotage because I am dealing with my fat girl demons (although I still am, but they werent at play in this.)
It was self preservation.
But I dont know why, when I am sure I did what is best for me and my feelings in the end, this has to hurt so badly. I am hurt because of what I did, I am hurt because I know I hurt him ... I am so miserable right now it takes all I have not to just break out in random tears. And, believe me people, I AM NOT THAT GIRL.
Now, you want to know why ... work hottie has a child on the way. He got one of his ex's pregnant back in October (before there was a me and him...) in a moment of doing what he shouldnt have been, and he knows it and regrets it. He told me this, clarified what he wanted his relationship to be with his ex (non-existant as possible) and his child (active to the extent possible) and I REALLY thought I could handle it.
I cant. It has become more and more apparent to him that he is going to have to have more significant interactions with the mother - they barely speak and he knows that if he is going to have any role in the childs life, he is going to have to change that. So, when we discused this on Tuesday I knew in my rational mind that he is absolutely correct about that - and also knew I wanted him to do what was necessary in order to have a healthy and happy relationship with his child.
But, the thing is, the fact that his relationship with the ex is an unknown and, as such, is very volatile right now coupled with the fact that the idea of him spending time with and interacting with any woman on any significant level who isnt me KILLS ME, just made me have a come to Jesus with myself and know that I have to (at least for now) walk away. I just know I cant emotionally handle it right now ... and maybe after the baby comes ... in six months or whatever... that will change, roles will be defined, maybe I can better deal with it then. Maybe not. Who knows. Complications.
But I feel so empty. My heart is so hurt. And I am so lost right now... and part of me wishes I had never said anything to him last night - while the other part of me really wants to believe I did the right thing for myself in the long term. I just wish my emotions would follow the latter and not the former ...
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
I admire your selfless decision...yes that is what it is...
thinking of you,here if you need to let it out some more!!!!
much love
Kayla xxx
I do support you in your decision, and will still support you if you find a way to work past it. if you need to talk or a shoulder too cry on, I am here, send me a message.
jojo
You deserve health, you deserve a healthy place to build the rest of your life, and you deserve your best vision of a healthy relationship.
I am thinking of you and admiring your dedication today. I am also sending you love and peace.
O
Like i said it all depends on the person. She married my dad...theres 3 of us...i dont know how she did it....I know i couldnt!! lol
Kathi
Yes, his ex is pregnant. However, this was before you two were an item and the relationship is over. Yes, the ex will probably be in his life in some aspect for a long while, if the baby is his. (Make sure he gets a DNA test.) Yes, he will have responsibilities to that child and in some ways the mother.
Is this any reason to end a good relationship? It sounds to me that you are giving up on him without a fight.
Staying with him will be hard work, and you will have to make sure there are firm boundries in place with the ex, but I definately think it's doable.
YOu need time to mourn the relationship, cry, think, etc. ONly you know what you can and can't handle and if you want to try to make it work.
In the end maybe you will work it out. If it is meant to be it will happen.
For now, focus on you. Making healthy choices, getting enough rest, eating well, exercising some every day.
Good Luck!
Laura
Anyway, all that I meant to say is that if you love him, you can work this out, and that he deserves some understanding here.
You, on the other hand, are in the midst of a tremendous self-transformation, and you need to be focused on making that a solid success before you complicate your life emotionally and/or practically.
Timing is everything. If this relationship is meant to be, you may be able to come back together at some point a couple of years down the road and once again build on what you have started. On the other hand, you are still metamorphing.....Who knows what you will want or feel when that butterfly finally emerges fully?
I think you need to trust yourself that you made the best decision at this time. Yes, it hurts. But being able to make good decisions, right decisions, even when they hurt temporarily is a sign of great wisdom and maturity. Hang in there.
Liz ... thank you for your honesty - I hav been feeling a bit selfish and I do care for him tremendously and we are still speaking. I would never just walk completely away from him, that would cause me more pain than I could imagine.
He called yesterday and asked me to meet him out for dinner last night ... so I did and we talked about lots of unexpected things ... including baby mama. He knows where I am, and I think he wants to do whats best for me (and me for him) and the decision is that we would take it slow and figure out defining the terms of our relationship given everything that is surrounding us.
And ... in that vein ... when he asked me to stay with him last night, I went home.
I think everything is going to be alright. I feel better about whats happened over the past week today ... no more hurt - not for me or him, just peace and forward movement (thank you O) - and that can only be good.
Sometimes the right decision feels so damn horrible. I am proud of you for taking control however and knowing that this won't work for you right now. Sometimes we stay in relationships for wrong reasons and risk our happiness.
You deserve happiness and what is meant to be will be. I know it's a cliche, but I have to believe that it's true.
He has a lot going on and may need to figure things out on his own for a bit as well. Sounds like you did the right thing for both of you.
Sending you tons of strength to get through this!!
Chris