Yes, and the life journey we create ...

The past is the past and I cannot change it. I can however learn from it and do the best I can one day at a time to not repeat it.

This quote is familiar to me and while I understand it, intellectually, ACTUALLY going in a new direction is hard at best. For me, even with over a year of abstinence, I have not yet found new purpose in life, direction and meaning. Making the mistakes of the past weigh heavily. That it has all (previous life) come to a screeching halt and abrupt change, and escaping with my life, at 60 years old is so hard for me to overcome the shame.
I committed the crime of gambling with money that was not mine. I escaped prison time but now have three, count them, three felony convictions of "criminal mistreatment". Which sounds like I tortured people with hot screw-drivers. I was lucky for my 18 months of this sickness out of control, gambling behavior, I could have been charged with a felony for each check, withdrawal and/or swipe of a debit card. It would have been 100s of times. I was charged one felony for each victim. Complete restitution was paid before I was sentenced.
But now I am 60 and have three felonies and have no job. I am starting a business but it is slow, slow slow.
Right now, it seems the best I can do is retell the parts I feel most ashamed about until I feel in my heart that I am not defined by my mistakes.


It is only for friends, support groups, counselors and family that love me, that I survive.

Qwit I appreciate your honesty. I too committed a gambling crime over 18 years ago. I too paid restition and by the grace of my god I was able to have the crime dropped to a misdimener. I entered a rehab center immediately and with the support of my family I was able to become sober. I lived almost 10 years sober and had the crime expunged from my court records. I worked hard on my sobriety and I know what the it feels like over the rainbow. I want to get on that that yellow brick road and journey back to the other side of the rainbow. For the last 8 years I have been struggling again my compulsive gambling. I am an emotional and lonely gambler. It is during that time that the voice in my head won't stop until I am in action losing every dollar I have. But today 6 day GF I am trying my best to keep myself busy. I have to redirect all the emotional triggers and it is a struggle today but I am trying. One day at a time. xoxo Chargergirl

@chargergirl and @qwit4good -- This addiction is awful and I'm sorry what you both have gone through.

Shame gets you nowhere. My therapist tells me that Shame thrives in the dark, so it's vital to talk about the things you feel Shame around as much as possible.

I used to think other people would judge me for taking payday loans, borrowing money from family for "bills", gambling away tens of thousands, lying about my whereabouts to my husband, making up stories about where money went, scraping up coins off of the floor of my car to go back in for a minimum bet, being unkempt for days, being at the casino at 6 am, totally and completely hooked.

The more we talk about these things, the less we feel Shame around them, and the more we heal. Shine the light on any and all things you feel Shame around, and you will find you are not so alone. In fact, you're not alone at all.

Other things I feel Shame around: I'm messy, I eat too much sometimes, I love fast food and junk food, I get obsessive about things, I'm a little antisocial, I'm judgmental of myself and others by nature and have to reprogram myself.

The more you take the Shame out of your past, the less it will suck you under, and the faster and easier and lighter you can move forward!

I appreciate the original post and the support from you and nancyzoman for my own situation as well. It is with therapy, willingness, support and the help of my Higher Power, that I have managed to live gamble free another day.

Well, I won't lie. I felt and still feel at times, defined by my mistakes. But its true its how we react to them that defines us, ultimately. My gambling career, was so destructive. I was never convicted of a crime, at least by the courts, but I was convicted in my mind. I thought I would be like this forever, it was who I was. But, after some recovery time, I am able to see, that although I am a compulsive gambler, its part of me, it does not have to control me. In other words, for me, I had to admit, and know in my heart that I am a compulsive gambler. Does that make me a bad person? HELL no. I'm a sick person, if someone has cancer, do they think they are bad? Of course not. Does it define them, no, it doesn't. I believe that a compulsive gambler is a very sick person, and without the proper treatment, they could die, just like cancer, but nobody really talks about the compulsive gambler as being sick, they rather make it seem as though the compulsive gambler is a bad person, who is destructive by choice. Not true, I know that now. Does it define me... No. Does my recovery define me? Good question, its certainly a part of who I am, and I'm doing it because I have zero desire to let this addiction kill me. Recovery is a journey, not the yellow brick road.