Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
Hi everyone. I am so happy to have found this site. I am the wife of a compulsive gambler. Can I start by saying that I love my husband dearly, but right now seeing him go through this has me extremely sad? I am a teacher and he is a social worker. So, you can see we aren't at the top of the pay scale.
What I can say is that our finances aren't together. They never have been. This can be seen as a blessing. When we got married, we had our bank accounts set so we just agreed that we would keep it that way and anything needed for the house, we would just pull the finances from our perspective accounts. As far as our house, when we bought our home, there was a special program with our lender for teachers in the city of Chicago, that we would get a special interest rate if we would stay in the city. Now, what I thought was a problem at the time, was that for closing on the house and this special program, my husband could not be on the house. At the time it was a bummer, and my husband wasn't happy but we were told that he could be put on the home after closing. Well, because he knows this is his home, and I have never made him feel any other way, I never put him on the house. So, our home is in my name. Both of our cars are paid for and we don't have any joint credit together.
Now, all of his borrowing I know he has done, and his bad credit from overdraft fees from his bank accounts are horrific. Guys, I am very sad this is in my marriage. And, to be honest, if this was not going on, things would be wonderful. My family does not know this is going on. His family does, and because he got paid this past weekend, he has been avoiding them like the plague. My three best friends know of this too. They have been a true support.
I am ready to talk, share and listen. I am also ready to learn. I thank God to have found this site. I promise I will be here all the time. I was feeling like I am the only one in the world going through this. Now, I see I am not. I found you all just on a chance by googling wives of gamblers. Thank God I did.
What I can say is that our finances aren't together. They never have been. This can be seen as a blessing. When we got married, we had our bank accounts set so we just agreed that we would keep it that way and anything needed for the house, we would just pull the finances from our perspective accounts. As far as our house, when we bought our home, there was a special program with our lender for teachers in the city of Chicago, that we would get a special interest rate if we would stay in the city. Now, what I thought was a problem at the time, was that for closing on the house and this special program, my husband could not be on the house. At the time it was a bummer, and my husband wasn't happy but we were told that he could be put on the home after closing. Well, because he knows this is his home, and I have never made him feel any other way, I never put him on the house. So, our home is in my name. Both of our cars are paid for and we don't have any joint credit together.
Now, all of his borrowing I know he has done, and his bad credit from overdraft fees from his bank accounts are horrific. Guys, I am very sad this is in my marriage. And, to be honest, if this was not going on, things would be wonderful. My family does not know this is going on. His family does, and because he got paid this past weekend, he has been avoiding them like the plague. My three best friends know of this too. They have been a true support.
I am ready to talk, share and listen. I am also ready to learn. I thank God to have found this site. I promise I will be here all the time. I was feeling like I am the only one in the world going through this. Now, I see I am not. I found you all just on a chance by googling wives of gamblers. Thank God I did.
I had found myself suggesting that I take hubby to work or either allowing me to pick his checks up for him. But then there would be an argument or excuses of he has a meeting way out somewhere ad had to drive himself. I could go through the list of excuses. That became too stressful. So, I finally gave into the fact that I can't control him, his pay periods or his gambling. But, still I get sad over the fact that he gambles. And to be honest, for the last month and week, he has been gambling alot. I owuld say daily pretty much, but he swears he isn't. Yet, the casino flyers, coupons for free rooms, meals and so on come in the mail. He has even slipped a few times and left the parking ticket around and the last slip up was leaving the atm receipt with the casino address with the rest of the junk he threw on the table from his pocket.
If you don't mind me asking, what are some of your obsessions that you in your previous response? You are right, I am learning more about me.
Your story sound just like mine, I too am married to an addict and it has been a roller coster that takes off when ever it want and it can be a horrible ride.
A litte bit about ourselfs when we got married he couldn't sign anything because his credit was shot to the ground and I in the other hand had everyhing organized fiancially ( I had 2 savings, 2checking accts, all my credit cards had no balance and a car paid off) but after we go married I made the mistake and gave him access to my credit cards, bank acct. and from there on it went down hill that is when hell broke loose and I took him off all my accts, a hard lesson learned, but I had to save our budget and my credit. Thank God my credit was runied and I was able to get a house without his name on it, at first I was nervous of taking such a huge responsiblity but like you said it was a blessing that I didn't know at that time. Both cars are under my name, all credit cards are under my name including the bank acct. he does have access to it but so his paycheck can be direct deposit to it. He did have his own checking in the beginning of our marriage but he started having problems becasue of his gambling that he had to close it down and pay all the fees from all his overdraft and we decided to have one joint acct. but just recently he started using our money to gamble his thinking was we have a large balance why not! Why not??? boy was I fuming, now he has no access to getting money out, I keep a very low amount in that acct. so he won't be tempted, he has no atm card, if he tried to get money out well there is not much he can get and he knows that that amt could be covering what ever is out there and if he takes it something is going to bounce. I hate having to do this and it kills me that I have to baby sit him like this but like I have told him I need to protect this family from his addiction. It really makes me mad that I have to go to this extreme and not have him have access to no money.....he did bring up what if there is an emergency well we are beyound that...told him oh well we will deal with that when it happends...so he has no money in his wallet if he does it is $25 or less but I do ask him where his money went and sometimes he has no money but he is okay with that he knows that he has caused enough damage. And like you my family does not know about his problem and his family does and only one friend of mine knows....it can be stressfull when things happened and you got no one to talk to about it. But I rely constanly on the Lord to guide me becasue it is such an horrific ride that sometimes I lose it and just want to walk away from this marriage and forget all this crazyness and live a normal life where I don't have to babysit him.
The reason I stay is because I love him, he is a good man and is trying very hard to overcome his addiction. He has admitted that he has a problem and is willing to get help and has agreed to do whatever I tell him in order to portect our fiances. He gave me his only credit card he had, suggested I change the credit card #'s even though he has no access to it, keep a low checking acct. balance, change the checking acct. #, gave me the atm card, suggested I get a post office box, all this just so he won't have access to money and gamble. He also suggested that I ask him every single day if he has gamble and or how he is feeling about it, his thinking is if he does he does not want to face me and tell me he has been gambling....this has help open up the lines of communication for us as far as what he is thinkging and going through.
I am thankful for this website becasue it makes me know that I am not alone in this.....by the way my husband showed me this site.
He is expected to move out next week.
It is not a happy thing... but for my household there was not alternative. I waited tooooo long to confront, to cut off access to money (my credit cards and my mail as we each had our own bank accounts), and to refuse to take loans out for him.
I was naive and am one who always believed the best (I've later learned some of that was denial because of the emotional and mental abuse I have been living in during our entire marriage.).
For those of you who are praying woman, I ask that you put my now ex husband, Roger, on your prayer list and the prayer list at your church.
I have approached his 'brothers' in Christ about his gambling over the years, if they did confront him, I was never told.
I do hold a firm belief that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His riches in Christ Jesus, I also hold firm that He who began a good work in a person will complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.
I appreciate your prayers for Roger. I know God cares and is able. We may never reconcile in our marriage as my husband has many many problems that cause him to be abusive.
But he needs intervention... the earthly kind from me and his family did not work for him... perhaps when God's continue to pray, Roger will be led on a path that takes him to his bottom so he can cry out and reach up.
God bless each of you very strong women... Strength, Wisdom, Courage, and Grace to you all. debby
So, seeing this, I was cool with separate accounts and Hubby was cool with that too.
In situation, I tried being over both of our finances, he even gave me atm card. But, back in Feb. he had a conference to go to and asked for the card back. I haven't had it since. But, I do know that numerous overdrafts have come to the house. I get them along with the casino coupons and shredd them. He owes so many overdraft fees. But he says he hasn't been gambling. It was just this past Tuesday, after I joined this group that he came asking for money, I told him I didn't have any, to call his family. He never ask them for money. I got him to call his sister and she told him she would give him half of the money, but she did tell his mom and his mom told his dad. So, I went over to his mom's with him and his mom gave him the other half, but it was very ugly. His mom confronted him and said some things that I'm not sure what she said, because she asked us to leave the room. When he came out of the room, he was crying and said my father knows too. On the way home, he said he knows he hasn't been a good husband and therefore he isn't a good man. I told him that he is a good man and a wonderful husband if it weren't for this issue. I did tell him he has made some bad decisions and he could change this if he goes and gets help. He said he is going back to GA. I found a meeting near us. So, we will see. I would ask that you all pray for my husband also, that he goes for help.
Debbye, I have just said a prayer for Roger. I do believe and am witness that prayer works.