Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
Hi everyone. I am so happy to have found this site. I am the wife of a compulsive gambler. Can I start by saying that I love my husband dearly, but right now seeing him go through this has me extremely sad? I am a teacher and he is a social worker. So, you can see we aren't at the top of the pay scale.
What I can say is that our finances aren't together. They never have been. This can be seen as a blessing. When we got married, we had our bank accounts set so we just agreed that we would keep it that way and anything needed for the house, we would just pull the finances from our perspective accounts. As far as our house, when we bought our home, there was a special program with our lender for teachers in the city of Chicago, that we would get a special interest rate if we would stay in the city. Now, what I thought was a problem at the time, was that for closing on the house and this special program, my husband could not be on the house. At the time it was a bummer, and my husband wasn't happy but we were told that he could be put on the home after closing. Well, because he knows this is his home, and I have never made him feel any other way, I never put him on the house. So, our home is in my name. Both of our cars are paid for and we don't have any joint credit together.
Now, all of his borrowing I know he has done, and his bad credit from overdraft fees from his bank accounts are horrific. Guys, I am very sad this is in my marriage. And, to be honest, if this was not going on, things would be wonderful. My family does not know this is going on. His family does, and because he got paid this past weekend, he has been avoiding them like the plague. My three best friends know of this too. They have been a true support.
I am ready to talk, share and listen. I am also ready to learn. I thank God to have found this site. I promise I will be here all the time. I was feeling like I am the only one in the world going through this. Now, I see I am not. I found you all just on a chance by googling wives of gamblers. Thank God I did.
What I can say is that our finances aren't together. They never have been. This can be seen as a blessing. When we got married, we had our bank accounts set so we just agreed that we would keep it that way and anything needed for the house, we would just pull the finances from our perspective accounts. As far as our house, when we bought our home, there was a special program with our lender for teachers in the city of Chicago, that we would get a special interest rate if we would stay in the city. Now, what I thought was a problem at the time, was that for closing on the house and this special program, my husband could not be on the house. At the time it was a bummer, and my husband wasn't happy but we were told that he could be put on the home after closing. Well, because he knows this is his home, and I have never made him feel any other way, I never put him on the house. So, our home is in my name. Both of our cars are paid for and we don't have any joint credit together.
Now, all of his borrowing I know he has done, and his bad credit from overdraft fees from his bank accounts are horrific. Guys, I am very sad this is in my marriage. And, to be honest, if this was not going on, things would be wonderful. My family does not know this is going on. His family does, and because he got paid this past weekend, he has been avoiding them like the plague. My three best friends know of this too. They have been a true support.
I am ready to talk, share and listen. I am also ready to learn. I thank God to have found this site. I promise I will be here all the time. I was feeling like I am the only one in the world going through this. Now, I see I am not. I found you all just on a chance by googling wives of gamblers. Thank God I did.
Welcome to our group :) It seems we're getting a nice little, handful of wife's of compulsive gamblers here. It really is helpful to get input from the other side. And I know you'll learn a lot here, keep reading :)
Steph55
Our finances are also in shambles. Thank God we do not owe any bookie debts but we owe everyone else. I work a part-time job at school and was going to get a second job but this site helped me to realize that my husband has to pay the debts back himself. When he left his job, he took a BIG pay cut. But he is motivated this month to really sell, sell, sell so I am praying for this miracle. He works about sixty hours a week.
I am going to take a test to be certified to teach(I have a degree) and start getting MY finances in order so We can hopefully enjoy life again.
Anyway, you came to the right place.
Hang in there and pray alot.
Georgia gam
I am glad your finances are separate. That is good news.
I do have a couple of recommendations for you if you'd like to know about them. They are mainly to protect you financially (which is extremely important).
1) get a post office box so you can intercept mail to be sure credit cards are not being taken out in your name without you knowing it.
2) open an account with Equifax (or Lifelock) and put a lock on your credit. It will cost $14.95 a month. You will be emailed whenever any activity is taking place on existing credit. Also, no one but YOU (and a PIN can) access your credit to get new credit. This has saved me a couple of times already.
3. Also, learn 12-Gam Anon steps (this is for family members of CGs). here is a link:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Gambling-Addiction/recs/3430-gamanon-info-12-steps
4. You also may consider reading books on co-dependency. This will help you keep a clear head and allow you to focus on keeping YOU sane and not trying to fix, control, change your husband (only he can do that).
Living in the throws of this addiction with someone is heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking to watch the person you love become consumed by it and begin to morph into someone you do not even recognize.
Best of the day to you. I am glad you are here. There are wonderful, caring people here. debby
Also, thank you for the warm welcome and all of your suggestions. I will be looking at the 12 Gam-Anon Steps. Thanks so much. I am looking forward to talking with you.
I BUY LOTTERY TICKETS OBSESSIVELY AND IT HAS
REALLY CAUSED A MULTITUDE OF PROBLEMS, THIS IS AN ADDICTION THAT I WOULDN'T WISH UPON ANYONE, AND WHEN PEOPLE SAY JUST STOP, MOST JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, IT CAN BE DONE, I HAVE DONE IT IN THE PAST FOR ABOUT 9 MONTHS AND THOUGHT I COULD JUST BUY A FEW THE STOP, I WAS WRONG. BUT I AM TRYING TO GET THIS BEHIND ME AGAIN. IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF YOUR SPOUSE SUPPORTED YOUR EFFORTS SOMETIMES. I FEEL LIKE MY HUSBAND HATES ME MOST OF THE TIME, SO WHEN I SAY I'M GLAD YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND THAT'S WHY. ABOUT THE HOUSE THING, WELL IT MAY BOTHER HIM, BECAUSE HE MIGHT FEEL IT ISN'T HIS
BUT IT REALLY IS JUST A NAME THING AND HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO REALIZE THAT. WE MOVED INTO MY HUSBAND'S MOTHER'S HOUSE AFTER SHE DIED ABOUT 4 YEARS AGO, AND SHE LEFT IT TO HIM. I HATE IT MOSTLY BECAUSE IT IS HIS, NOT MINE AT ALL, I LIVE HERE BUT IT IS "HIS". MY LOTTERY ADDICTION BECAME MUCH WORSE AFTER MOVING HERE,
BUT THAT'S OUR ISSUE. I REALLY HOPE YOU CAN HELP YOUR HUSBAND AND I HOPE HE KNOWS HOW LUCKY
HE IS THAT YOU ARE SEEKING ANSWERS TO HELP HIM AND YOURELF IN THE PROCESS. GOOD LUCK
Right now, I can't really say how much my H appreciates me. Right now I don't know if his mind is there. But, I know he loves me, I know he is very embarrassed, he just said that last night.
You are right, this is a horrible addiction that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Oh, I don't beleive and I don't want you believing that your Hubby hates you most days. There is a disappointment I am sure, but it isn't hate. I can honestly say I am disappointed in my husbands actions, but I am not disappointed in him as a man or husband. I am going to say the same for you. There maybe hate/dislike for the action but not you.
I've set it up where the money is withdrawn from my bank at the first of each month.
It is very easy. The other thing with the $12.95 service is that I can check my credit report any time I want for free.
It is really nice.
Best of the day to you. So glad you found this place. It lives up to its name "Daily Strength."
God bless. debby
It will take time for your hubby. With me, I am hurt, disappointed and in some aspects, I am angry. But, what I try and focus on is the good in my husband. I try not to focus on the money, gambling, lying and anything else that this disease entails. Now, please know this is a struggle so, I am praying daily. Coming here for the short amout of time I have been here has helped me immensely. I am learning and you are too. Look at it as everyday being a new lesson helping you towards recovery and helping mend things between you and hubby. We both have to take it a day at a time.
The greatest help for me was when I FINALLY started to talk to people about the problem. You keep a secret if it's not going to hurt yourself or someone else to do so. But actually talking to someone else and letting them know what you are up against will give you strength and perhaps take some of the "excitement factor" away for your H.
There is something very daunting about a lifelong friend coming to you and talking about being worried for you....crying and praying for you and admitting outloud that perhaps he let you down by not being there for you more often.....I approached a longtime father-figure friend of my H and shared my concerns. I think his knowing and approaching my H, really made my H think about his behavior has tentacles that reach out and hurt others. He was sad about lying to me and remorseful about hurting me with his gambling....but having THIS man learn of it...really made him finally feel shame and perhaps self-loathing?
I think the disgusted with himself factor didn't really register until this longtime friend knew about his problem. I don't think my H has gambled since that day.....and I think finally accepts that he can't go once in a while and control the gambling...IT CONTROLS HIM!!!!
So....talk to your pastor....go to a therapist. If there is a trusted family friend....someone he really respects who you trust to be discreet.... bring them in on this. I think the secret nature of the addiction is what feeds it the most!
Remember his gambling is NOT your fault...but the fallout is something you have to deal with. Don't feel shamed into doint it all alone. That was my mistake... I tried to keep quiet and pretend like it was alright...dealing with it alone. BIG MISTAKE!
Keep coming here too.....you'll get important insights about YOURSELF here. I came here to vent about my CG husband, and learned I had to deal with some issues too.
Among them...not letting my obsession with my husband's problem consume me and my joy for life.
Welcome to the group...and keep coming back.
Cantervilleghost