Hello, everyone. I am new to DS, but not new to food addiction and eating disorders. I struggled with Anorexia and Bulimia for 12 years, recovered for many years thereafter. Over the last year, or so, I've been stepping slowly back into dangerous territory with episodes of binge eating (no purging). This past year has been extraordinarily stressful, for a variety of reasons, and but the major whammy was when my mom died last January. I don't really have any family, and the heart ache of her dying just reinforced that fact. Her death really just set off the binge eating episodes, plus exacerbated by quitting smoking (yes, a good thing, I know).
I'm binging on average of once or twice a week and have managed to gain 40 pounds in the last 6 months. I am diabetic, so the binging and weight gain, is definitely NOT ok for my health. I've started to let myself go a bit too...
I am married, my wife is an emotional eater, overweight, but pretty much in denial about how slippery of a slope this is for her. She kind of has the mentality of "it hasn't happened yet" type of a thing... So this adds to my semi poor choices in foods when I'm not having episodes of binging. It adds to my own choice to adopt similar blaze attitude.
Stress aside, I'm usually pretty even-keel, and err on the side of living a balanced life - or at least being proactive in living one.
This is NOT me.
I am in therapy, have been for years. I've been in 12 step OA & EDA meetings before. I have a high stress job, work awkward hours, so I really just stopped going to meetings, phased them out slowly.
I'm very self aware, I know my triggers, etc. Yet, eating disorders and food addiction show little mercy on those factors, especially when you're staring down a binge. Then, the guilt and shame add fuel to the fire.
All of this I do in secret... I can't seem to stop...
So here I am, I need help. Again. I cannot keep doing this. I am adding fuel to the fires, and it's turning against me. I see it coming a mile away.
I'm plagued with guilt, shame, yet perfectionistic and hiding this secret life.
I went to my boyfriend's work party on Saturday night at a bowling alley. Everyone, for the most part, was drinking but it was much easier for me to not get a drink since I was bowling, eating, etc. Distractions. I did make a comment to my boyfriend when we first got there when I noticed the party started in the bar. He said to me "why don't you just have 1 drink and not get drunk?" ... I just...
Not a drop since yesterday am. No cravings yet. Looking for a supplement i can check into as I already attend AA. Walked the walk of shame yesterday but feeling confident I can do this. I have an amazing life. My mom and dad died within a year of each other and it tossed me into such grief i found an escape and eventually a prison in alcohol. Support needed while i vent, attempt to get through...