Food Addiction Support Group
An individual suffering from a food addiction disorder frequently experiences episodes of uncontrolled eating, or binging, during which they may feel frenzied or out of control. They will eat much more quickly than is normal, and continue to eat even past the point of being uncomfortably full. Binging in this way is generally followed by a period of intense guilt feelings...
That's the title of the memoir I'm writing about the next eighteen months. Seriously.
In 18 months, I'll be 60 years old. I think of myself as someone who's battled food addiction all her life, but the reality of it is that with a few short-lived exceptions, I'm actually someone who's mostly just given in to her food addictions her whole life. I've thought about battling it, I've belittled myself for not doing so, I've written grandiose plans for the approach that I'm going to start 'tomorrow'. I've journaled and made lists of what I've eaten and studied my triggers and read lots of books. But the honest and ugly truth is that I haven't done much about it until now. There really hasn't been that much battling. Until now. Now, I'm putting on the superhero cape and charging ahead.
Until relatively recently, I've gotten away with ignoring it. I've been fit and strong and healthy overall, and while I've always carried some extra weight, I've at least been blessed with proportions that are relatively flattering. Meanwhile, my eating habits have always, always been appalling. I lie about food, I eat in secret, I shove it in my mouth and barely taste it, I feed all my emotions, I use it as a disguise and a barrier........all the things. I've just kind of been able to still squeeze it into a costume the rest of the world sees as 'mildly overweight' instead of 'really messed up.' But, deep down, I know the truth. I'm a hot mess.
Things changes post-menopause (I got to that particular party kind of late, just about three years ago). Weight shifted - well, actually, it sunk. "Shifted" implies some kind of gentle rearranging, doesn't it? This is different; this is two boobs racing to see which one can hit the floor first, this is a brand new belly 'apron', this is thigh-chafing, and just a general feeling of leadenness.
My metabolism slowed down. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, which is a giant load of suck, let me tell you. Bottom line, my bottom line is widening beyond the point where I can ignore it.
I'm not motivated by vanity. I have no need to be any particular size. Sure, thinner would be just peachy. But what I want, what I am working for now, is health, and self-control. I recognize that many factors in life are outside my influence - the RA is a perfect example - but that's all the more reason to control the things I can. I want to be a better role model for my adult kids and for my grandchildren. I want to fix some wrongs in the world in my remaining years and I just feel like I need to get my own act together in order to be more effective.
My family doctor suggested a nutritional counseling class. I said, "Honey, I could write that book. Give me a pen and paper and I write out a 1600, 1700, 1800 calorie daily diet with proportionate carbs, proteins and fats." See, I know that stuff. I just don't do it.
Someone I chatted with online mentioned having more access to fresh fruits and vegetables. Know what I do for a living? I'm a musician, and I'm also, wait for it, an organic farmer running a fruit and vegetable CSA. I pack 50 boxes a week for my member families filled with just-picked berries, melons, leafy greens, etc. I grow them with love and care and pack them up every week. I write a funny newsletter with great recipes. Then I go to McDonald's while I'm on the delivery run. I sit in my farm van, stenciled with the farm name and a healthy-green-crunchy-sounding motto, stuffed with boxes of fantastic produce, and I shove a Big Mac into my face and cry because I don't want it but I can't stop eating it. Sometimes I wipe away the tears and go through the drive through a second time for an extra order of fries. This kind of s*** goes on all day, every day. I've had enough of it.
Well, I'll wrap this up because I needn't write the whole darn memoir here, you know? But I wanted to join the group, I wanted to make a sort of public statement about my intentions in the hope that it keeps me more accountable. I'm having my first hypnotherapy session tomorrow (I've had two preliminary sessions, just talking about issues, and based on the questions the theapist has asked, I'm excited about this journey) in the hopes that it will jump-start the process and help me unearth some hidden triggers. I'll report back every now and then.
But mostly, I wanted to thank all of you for your courage and honesty. I read a lot of posts when I came to this site last night, and I kept thinking "I could have written that one." Over and over again. It is heartening to know that I'm not the only one with this problem. I hope that i can somehow offer some support to all of you here. Cheers, and carry on, warriors.
Overall, things have been going well for me. But I did have a moment this morning that caused me some confusion about whether I'm improving or not.
On my drive home from my morning walk at the wildlife sanctuary, I absentmindedly ate a half a bag of chips that had been sitting on the passenger seat of the car for three days.
I got home, realized what I'd just done, and was horrified.
And by the way, isn't that 'dis-associating' thing creepy? I mean, it was like it happened on total autopilot.
Anyway, I'm in the driveway, just about to launch the verbal barrage of shame onto myself, when it occurred to me:
THERE WAS A HALF A BAG OF CHIPS IN MY CAR FOR THREE DAYS.
Do you see what this means?
I didn't eat the whole damn bag at once. I didn't go out to the car in my pajamas and stealth-eat the chips during the night. I didn't have a continuing mental debate about when I would eat the chips. I actually forgot they were there.
So, yes, I mindlessly ingested several hundred empty calories before 8 am. Bad Katie.
But...........that was actually at least a 72 hour delay from what I would have done before I started to work on this problem.
From what I gather, normal people can buy a bag of chips and eat a few at a time, and the bag can last for quite awhile. (I remember seeing those big clips advertised that let you keep a bag airtight and fresh and I was momentarily perplexed: you mean you don't eat them all at once?)
I have just taken one step toward normalcy.
And more to the point, I stopped the Barrage of Shame before it got started.
Am I pathetic? Am I just desperately trying to put a positive spin on things? Am I still a pathetic spineless person with no will power? Yeah, maybe - but I'm getting better, and that's the only thing that matters right now.
We soldier on. It's hard. This morning, I have to make a second batch of the salted pretzel caramel toffee my grown children love so much, Because, the first batch is nearly gone. I'm not proud of that. I didn't intend for that to happen. I just wanted to even up the edges. Sigh.
We fall, we get up again. That's the way all of life is.
My Christmas hope for all of us is that we continue to look at ourselves honestly and lovingly, and that the strength we get from our struggle makes us more compassionate toward others.
I found myself, to my chagrin - because I know better - reading the comments on an online new story that involved food addiction.
It was awful
I know better. I know that the kind of people who post hateful things on line have their own problems, and that they revel in the anonymity online, and so on. I know that someone who calls people names on line is emotionally stunted and should not be taken seriously.
The true creepers were easy enough to blow past and ignore.
But oddly, it wasn't the really hateful comments that were so hard to take: it was the self-righteous, know-it-all, "I'm only saying this for your own good" ones that really hurt. You know exactly what I'm talking about: the people who are so sure that there is no such thing as a food addiction (or alcohol or drugs), that it's just 'will power', which they feel that they have in abundance, and which they feel makes them superior to anyone who does not.
Those were the ones that hurt, because even though I didn't know any of the posters, it was easy enough to imagine that they were the people behind me at the grocery counter judging my choices, or the person who looks past me because I'm overweight and thus invisible, or the smug 'friend' who, I am pretty certain, congratulates herself every time she sees me because she hasn't let herself go'. She's never actually said that. But I do pick up that vibe. I don't think I'm being paranoid, because I don't get it from everyone.
I didn't get sucked into the discussion. I would have liked to have tried to interject a plea for compassion. But you want to know the truth? I was afraid to. Afraid that people would look at my facebook page, and post hateful things about me and my family. Afraid that I wouldn't be strong enough to handle it if they did.
And, even though I know that online comment sections are NOT the place in which the battle must be fought, I'm still ashamed that I didn't help out at all.
This is my challenge: to have the strength to speak up, as I get stronger myself, not just for myself but for everyone else here who is battling this. We must silence the shame-voice in our own heads first. And I honestly feel that I've come very far with that in the past six months. I am getting better. I am exercising, and except for some predictable holiday lapses I'm eating better, and eating mindfully. I've been transparent here, and to a lesser extent in my own safe world among supportive family members and a few friends. But I'm going to have to go further this year, and learn to advocate for everyone who is still too ashamed to speak up.
Because we cannot fight this, we cannot get better, if we think we are lesser-than. I don't know if anything has ever changed without someone first being able to admit it, to name it, to acknowledge it.
An article showed up in my newsfeed this morning, talking about how diets don't work, how some people are just wired differently. It talked about the dopamine levels, and hormones, and how the taste of food affects some people differently, and how some of us just can't stop obsessing about it. and so on.
Unfortunately it wasn't well written, there were no citations, no sources........but, I think that research is out there.
And that begs the question: do we just give up, then? I think back to the harsh people posting about what they perceive as our collective lack of willpower / character / backbone, and I know in my heart that they're wrong.
But that doesn't mean that we - that I - can be totally absolved in this fight, either. I mean, I DO make bad choices. I recognize now, in ways that the Mean Girls never will, that my metabolism is just different, and I could literally eat the same amount of food as my thin husband and still gain weight. But that doesn't mean there aren't steps I can and should take.
I think this issue is a central one for dieters in general, but especially for anyone with an addiction.
When I'm stymied by something related to my food addiction, I try to look at it as if it were a drug or alcohol addiction.
Is the drug addict weak? Is the alcoholic just selfish? There are people who would say yes to both questions. I don't agree. I think those people are dealing with something messed-up in their brains, in their biochemistry.
Even as messed up as I am, I can drink without any problems, and on the occasions when I have taken an opioid for pain, it's done nothing whatsoever for me. So, I can hardly say I'm a superior person for not sliding into alcohol or drug abuse. My body doesn't crave those things.
But at the same time, I pushed my alcoholic friend to get help, and yes, I was frustrated with him when he faltered. And who knows, maybe that very frustration actually pushed him towards help. I can't sort all this out. Too much human nature on the table here.
I guess this is my bottom line: this food thing isn't my fault, and it isn't a sign of weakness. But there are things I can do to make it better, and I need to do those things. Other people's opinions are not guiding factors here.
But you know why this is such a hard concept? One motivating factor I have is imagining the look on The Bitch's face if I can pull it all together. Do you have The Bitch in your life? Bet you do. Bet we all do. I am not proud of how petty I'm being here. But the truth is that I'm genuinely motivated, when I'm out walking three mornings a week in literally subzero temps, by how much I despise her fake-helpful comments, and her patronizing non-compliments, and so on. Wow. I am so immature.
But that's something I can work on after I get my shit together.
Another gamechanger.
I've been exercising. My getting-shit-together involves a lot more than just the overeating issue. My issues are in the double digits and range from an annoying lifelong habit of misplacing wallet and keys (solved now) to a complete inability to keep up with farm paperwork (no progress yet.) But getting my physical body in better shape has been a priority.
I started with walking, because I can't afford jack at the moment, so anything with special equipment or fees is out, and there's a fantastic trail nearby. So, I'm walking. I'm walking in the record cold temps with insane windchills. Even my Canadian family members, normally a bit unimpressed with our PA weather (but politely of course) are giving me props for getting my fat old self out there at 7:3o in the morning.
So, that's been going well. And, as planned, I've added to more elements to the fitness program.
I'm doing a routine with hand-held weights to increase upper body fitness. It's easy to do while I'm watching the evening news. It's going well, but it hasn't made any particular impact on my life outside of the few minutes when I'm doing it. By that I mean it hasn't led me to change any other behavior. I once finished my 3.5 mile walk and drove straight to the McDonald's for a sausage biscuit. So, I was walking, yay, but it wasn't changing my food problems.
But. BUT. I've added burpees. Look them up if you don't know what they are; a diagram or a video will explain it better than I can, but what I will say is that fat arthritic 58 year olds are not ideal candidates for this exercise. the reasons I chose to add them are that they're reputedly really effective for the amount of time spent, don't require any special equipment, can be modified so that I genuinely can do a few, and will impress the SHIT out of my kids and grands if I can get good at them. I mean, really. I recently won a case of beer from each son after they didn't believe me when I said I could do a two minute plank. I see great potential with these burpees.
But, now, here comes the important part, the part relevant to a forum about overeating.
I am now up to being able to do two sets of ten, modified (i don't go down to the ground, I use an apple crate for my hands, for the time being). Today, I"m trying for three, and then I'll start lowering my 'crutch' by an inch or so at a time on each successive day, until I can do them the real way.
The day I hit two sets of ten for the first time, three days ago, I was sorely, deeply tempted by a leftover bit of holiday amazingness which somehow was hidden in my pantry. It came on me unexpectedly (cleaning the pantry is another of my life failures I have to work on) and at a time when i was pretty vulnerable.
But, you know what happened? You know what went through my head? Literally: "I worked too damn hard to be able to do those effing burpees and I'll be damned if i'm going to blow it on THIS."
And then I fed the object of temptation to the sheep, who adore sweet treats in winter occasionally.
This is IMPORTANT. This is HUGE. I never felt this way about just walking, or doing the planks, or the arm exercises. But these miserable, awful, terrible burpees have literally changed my thinking; I am so protective of the progress I've made with them that I'm not going to undo it with a bad food choice.
Do you see what this could mean? I could be taking a small step toward normalcy. My sister, the princess, won't overeat, ever, EVER, because she's got a lovely figure and she won't do anything to compromise that. As a non-princess, I've never had that kind of mindset. Nor am I sure I'd even want it, frankly. I've got another friend who watches every calorie that goes in her mouth because she thinks her husband wouldn't love her if she gained weight, and I wouldn't stay in that kind of relationship, ever. Those things just wouldn't motivate me at all.
I once bought a too-small dress and hung it where I could see it everyday in the hopes that it would motivate me. It did not.
But to have something, to have an achievement, that is so valuable to me that I will alter my previously harmful behavior in order to protect it............why, this is a whole new world.
I have less than 400 days - or do I mean 'fewer"? Damn. I've got to get a handle on this. Anway, I have less / fewer than 400 days to meet my goal of getting my shit together before my 60th birthday. It's always been a ridiculously arbitrary thing - after all, I'm not going to stop trying to be healthy the day after that birthday. And it's a hard goal to define. I've chosen a target weight, but mostly I just want to have a handle on the overeating thing. And I want a lot of non-food-related area in my life to be better, too. Finances, general organization, personal appearance (i.e. giving a crap about it), but also bigger things like being more involved in my community, and being a good support to my kids and grandlovies. All the things, basically. All of them.
Right now, my friends, I am so ready to see some kind of actual measurable progress. But there is nothing yet.
My weight is up slightly. I've been exercising a lot, and I understand that muscle weighs more than fat, and that this is not uncommon when one starts challenging previously atrophied muscles.
But that's supposed to even out after a bit, and then your improved metabolism starts burning off fat.
I'm ready for that. I'm ready for that to happen. Now.
I'm doing things to improve cardio. I suppose I feel less fatigued after doing this for a month, but it's hard to tell. It's so freaking cold here right now; I walked 3.5 miles this morning at 0 degrees Fahrenheit (about -18C for my Canadian and European friends). I honestly don't know if I'm breathless because of the miles / hills / pace, or because of breathing that cold air.
I'm ready to see something I can measure: I want to record a faster pace, or just not feel so tired when I'm done.
I'm doing strength exercises. I'm working with weights. It's still far too early to see any kind of result, I'm still working on correct form, and working up to 3 sets of ten reps for each exercise.
But I want to feel a difference when I lift a feed bag. I'm ready.
I'm just frustrated because I feel like I'm doing my part, you know? I'm working so hard. I want to see inches lost, loose jeans, anything. I'm ready.
And the honest truth is that I probably won't see the results I want until I really make the dietary changes I need to make. I need to drink more water. I need to eat less, overall.
And to do that, I should track the calories I'm eating, so I have some actual understanding of where I'm at.
but for all my insistence about wanting something measurable, wanting something tangible, I'm hesitating to open up the app and start listing the things I'm eating.
You know why? Because after all this time and work, I'm still not able to be completely honest. I just don't want to actually write down how much I eat, I don't want to see that number (calories) and acknowledge it.
I get that it's not as simple as tracking calories. I do. I know it's totally nutrition, and every body is different, and all that stuff. but I also know i need to eat less, and I'm pretty sure for that to happen, I need to keep some kind of record.
A friend visited yesterday,. She weighs 46 pounds less than she did at this time last year. She's done it by tracking calories and exercising and drinking water. She's never been a binger exactly, but she has in the past struggled with addictive behaviors with food - I guess you could say she's somewhere on our spectrum. It's fair enough to say she's a lot like me, although I think my overeating problem has always been worse than hers. Same age, same body type.
So this is my challenge today: do I really want this? Or I am just full of hot air (and a lot of fat?) Am I only pretending, or am I going to make these big changes happen in less than 400 days? Because if I really want it, I have to go downstairs and fill up a water pitcher for the rest of the day, and I have to set a new password for myfitnesspal (I can't remember my old one) and actually admit that my breakfast today was four ounces of aged cheddar and 24 Triscuits.
I'm ready. I think.
Before I offer today's insight, can I just tell you that I accidentally clicked on the wrong support group on my way here this morning, and found myself on the sex addiction page? Oops.
And believe me,...........no judgment. I hope they're all working towards healing just like we are. It's just that the moment when I read the thread titles was a bit unsettling.
So. Accountability.
I think I'm getting better. But I am now at the point where it is important to me to be able to quantify that. I get that this is not something that everyone requires. I get that it can be harmful for some people to think this way. but for me, right now, this is something I very much need.
There are several reasons, and perhaps we needn't go too far discussing them. But let me touch on one or two.
One - like all addicts, I lie. I lie to myself, and everyone else. I've actually been pretty darn good about not lying to you, and I'm getting better about not lying to myself - but it's time to yank that whole diseased root out of the ground, instead of just trimming away at the leaves as they appear. (Sorry, I'm a farmer, and this is my metaphor.)
We've talked about how our addiction is unique in that we can't avoid the substance totally. And alcoholic can say 'no more' and 'never again' but we can't.
But we can - I can - I will - say 'no more lies.'
And accountability will help. Thus, I re-activated the app i once used to track calories, which my friend has used in the last year to drop a lot of weight and end her late night ice cream binges.
Understand, it's 8:30 on day one, and I'm already shaking my head in disbelief. Because I've ingested 587 calories already, and here's the thing, here's my truth: I didn't think I ate breakfast yet. I had a coffee with cream when I got up. I peeled a grapefruit to add to my husband's lunch bag, and ate half. I ate some cheese and crackers that was out on the counter.
587 calories, people. And that wasn't 'breakfast', in my mind. that was: 1) my regular coffee, 2) he wasn't going to eat the whole thing for lunch anyway and 3) cleaning up the counter / not wasting food.
You see how my thinking goes? I know you do. You do it too. The food we mindlessly eat isn't counted in our minds. The entire bag of chips an hour before dinner (beed there, dusted the crumbs off my shirt and carried on) doesn't count, somehow - we go eat a full dinner right afterwards and don't even flinch. At least, I don't. Didn't. Past tense.
I might still binge, but from now on I'm going to have to look at the calorie count.
Understand, I'm not setting a calorie goal or anything like that, not right now, at least. I am simply going to be honest, and look at that number, and own it.
A second reason why I'm doing this now is that it's January. For a free-lance musician, this is always a fairly slow time. The round of musicals in local theaters and schools starts at the end of this month. For a farmer, this is serious accountability time anyway: time to orders thousands of dollars worth of seeds, time to get equipment repaired, time to inventory supplies and order more. And time to do last year's taxes.
So I'm already in the right mindset. The dining room table already has notebooks and pens and so on all laid out. I'm already making spreadsheets and thinking in terms of numbers.
Thus, I can easily add calories, miles deliberately walked for exercise, daily steps, burpee reps, glasses of water consumed, etc, etc. And I can add non-food / exercise things too: one area of the house organized, practice time, meditation time.
I'm going to drive myself nuts, but......
........reason #3 is that I know that a new habit takes about thirty days to become ingrained. I know this from my own experiences. So if I spend thirty days being a bit obsessive about this, I can ease up a bit in a month, maybe not record so many different things, And that will be just about the time that the greenhouse gets cranked up and the rehearsals start.
And here's the last reason why this is the time to start being accountable. This beautiful quote from Leonard Cohen popped into my life today:
you loose your grip
and then you slip
into the Masterpiece.
Oh. My. God. Yes. Yes, this. Loosen the grip on the thing that's holding you back - loosen the roots of the weed - and then, then, then! Then you're free to become who you really are.
Because I am not - YOU are not - this addiction. We are each of us something wonderful, and this addiction is holding us back. Today, every day, I'm taking more steps to loosen it. Not 'lose' it - I actually thought, when I read the quote, that the friend who posted it on FB might have made a grammatical error. But it's correct. The first step is just to loosen it.
We CAN do this. And, apparently, we can create spreadsheets for it. :)
I'm a farmer. It's January. It's time to check the mechanical things, see what needs a tune up. Time to look at the hand tools and see what needs a new handle, or some rust removed. You can't afford to lose equipment during the production season. You've got to anticipate problems and be ready.
My repair guy has suggested a different oil for one of the tractors. It's a little more expensive but it should help me keep the equipment I need in order. We're going to replace the tines on the tiller attachment because it doesn't look like they've got another year in them, and I'd rather do it now when it's not a crisis.
Meanwhile, I have filled out one day of Brutally Honest food diary-ing on an app that instantly tells you how many calories you consumed. Oh my dear God, it was awful. I didn't even think it was a bad day. But that shit creeps up on you. I've been very aware of my big-binge episodes, you know what I mean, the time when you drive to to the local mom and pop store for a bag of chips and eat it before you get home........yeah, I've done that. And I'm actually getting better at controlling that.
But I begin to see now that my truly mindless eating, which sort of goes on all day at a low level, is a huge issue as well. Stress? Cookie. Boredom? Cheese and crackers. Cooking dinner? Certainly taste everything several times. Settling in to the computer to work on taxes, or the big table to get the seed orders ready? First make a pot of coffee and cut off a hunk of that baguette and smear it with butter. Understand, I don't do this instead of eating regular meals. I do this in ADDITION to them.
And boy, does it add up. Honestly, the only good thing about tracking everything I eat is realizing that I must actually have a decent metabolism after all because anyone who shoved in this much on a daily basis should weigh twice what I do. I mean, seriously, the app I'm using calculates what you'll weigh in five weeks if you eat like you did today every day until then. And even though I'm overweight and have been slowly gaining for many years, I'm not gaining like THAT. So maybe something's actually working.
but this is obviously not a time for self congratulations.
No, I've got to think about that tractor. I can't afford to replace it, and I actually really love it, in the weird way I can't explain to you, but farmers understand. This is, like, real love. We understand each other on a visceral level. I will weep bitter tears on the day she can no longer function.
So hello, WTF is going on in my head that I'm not giving my own personal body the same consideration? Hello? I built a new shed for that tractor so it will last as long as possible, but I can't keep high fructose corn syrup products out of my pie-hole? Sigh.
I'm not on this rant from the standpoint of guilt - I am SO PAST the guilt thing about this addiction. This is really just a frustrated, wry sort of rant. I am sitting here most of this week going over farm financials and making decisions about what to tweak and how many people to hire and all the things that will make or break this year.........and taking care of my own personal self needs to be right up there at the top of the list.
January and February: time to tune up the machines, change their diet a little, keep them in good working order. including the human one.
I was at a conference this weekend. I knew a lot of people who were there, and we have a lot in common. These conferences have presentations and speakers and so on, but the real value in them, for me, is the time spent with peers.
But aside from the professional end of it, something significant happened.
I was a 'normal eater' for the whole weekend.
I ate well. I ate really good, healthy good 90 percent of the time, and went with some friends to a killer barbecue place one evening. But, even there, I didn't shove food into my face. I ate, say, 5% more than I should have. I over-ate in the same was that my friends did" this is amazing food, this is SO good, I'm full, but I'll have just one more bite. But, not a gross pig-out kind of thing.
There was some snack food in the hotel room, but it wasn't a big deal.
Now I have to figure out why it worked there. Was it just peer pressure? that was certainly part of it - peer pressure in a good way. It was also lack of opportunity - it's not like I was going to sit in a shared hotel room and snarf down a whole bag of cookies. Part of it was being stimulated by the subject matter, by the flow of brilliant ideas and conversation.
Part of it was simply breaking away from the bad patterns I've fallen into here - the routine fast food stop, the things that get thrown in the grocery cart almost automatically, the pattern of getting a bowl of something crunchy before the news comes on.
Part of it was the 'vacation' from the day to day worries I have at home. they still existed, but I had that sense of stepping outside of them for the 48 hours I was away from home.
And as a result of these things, i didn't THINK about food. I wasn't beating myself up about it, I wasn't arguing with myself about it, I wasn't obsessing over what I'd eat next.
So this is telling me some things that I need to work on this week. I need to weed out some bad routines. There are still to many auto-pilot eating things going on here: popcorn when the news is on, eating while I'm cooking, taking a snack in the car (for a fifteen minute trip), bringing food to the computer, always having 'just a bite' of something when i'm drinking coffee.
But, mostly, I think I need to stop the constant internal dialogue. I think of myself as someone who is always busy, but many of the things I do allow me to let my mind wander. this weekend, I was stimulated with new ideas......and I didn't think about food. There's something to work on there.
It's time to increase the pace of my recovery, I think. Thus far, I have analyzed my psyche down to the last quirk, re-visited my childhood traumas and let them go, read pretty much everything in print for a layperson about food addiction, and started the process of getting my tired, arthritic body back in better shape.
I have changed more bad habits than I initially realized I had. I shop and cook differently. I have revamped not only my kitchen and pantry, but my whole house so that the habitual 'eating places' are different now. I have simultaneously made peace with being overweight and become determined to lose weight, and I'm not kidding, even though that sounds contradictory.
I have accepted not only my chronic illness, but my own mortality. I've not stopped drinking alcohol entirely, but I've cut back dramatically - and can I just point out that I didn't think I was drinking a lot until I decided to stop. Never ever had a problem with it, and didn't have any trouble stopping - but it was an insidious thing, a glass of wine while cooking dinner, a beer after work, Scotch before bed. It added up.
I have stripped away all pretense. I am no longer lying to myself about how much I weigh, or how much I eat, or how many times I slip up.
In fourth grade, Sister Mary Hyacinth - I swear I am not kidding - said it's bad form to start every paragraph with "I". Sorry, Sister. Drastic times call for drastic measures. I really, really, really look forward to helping other people with this addiction someday. but for right now, yes, I have to be kind of self-absorbed. Or at least, I have been. I genuinely feel myself moving away from the most introspective phase of this healing process. But this "I" phase has been necessary.
There's improvement in my non-food issues, too. I am more organized, and the house is less cluttered, and my business plan for this coming year is more realistic. I am embracing routines in a way that used to pain my ADD soul, and finding that their very structure is allowing me to be more creative. Again, contradictory. (I believe Sister may have also alluded to this concept.) The truth is, getting my shit together in the most basic sense - making the bed in the morning, keeping a running grocery list, filing tax receipts consistently - is freeing up my brain, because I apparently had been spending quite a bit of time berating myself for my failure to do all of those things.
And let's talk about that berating business, too - that shit is GONE. This addiction, this behavior, my weight, is my responsibility, but it is not my fault. And it does not make me a bad or worthless person. Do you see the difference? I hope so, if you're on this board because you also struggle with food addiction. Because this is the one thing I'm sure about even this early in the game: you must separate yourself from the shame. I have always believed that you are a wonderful, beautiful creation worthy of love and respect; now I've learned to feel that way about myself, too, saddlebags and all.
So what's missing? Well, I'm not there yet. I have never been obsessed with a weight goal, but I do genuinely feel that I will be happier, more productive, and certainly healthier if I drop some serious poundage. And now it's really time to ramp that up.
I have laid groundwork by walking 3.5 miles three times a week for the past seven weeks, and doing my 'home boot camp', which is written up on graph paper, because I love charts. On the non-walking days, I try to check off as many things as possible from a list that includes crunches, planks, modified burpees, jumping jacks, assorted sequences of stretches, exercises I can do with free weights, etc. I am trying to add more every now and then but not overdo it - my illness includes issues with extreme fatigue if I'm not careful. The exercises are going well, but I've got to figure out how to distract my very large dog, who sees my being on the floor as an opportunity to drop all of his toys on my chest. It makes crunches awkward.
And I'm doing a serious tweak to the diet as well. About twenty years ago, i lost a lot of weight on a low carb diet. I kind of drifted away from that. I've decided to revisit it temporarily. I know that there's a huge risk when you ease back into a more 'normal' diet after doing low carb, but here's the thing: I understand exactly how to manage low carb. I have barely any cravings on low carb - it's like a switch is thrown and my horrible bingey behavior just stops. I need that now. I need the fairly fast weight loss that comes with the start of low carb, because while every single positive thing I said above is true, I also need, really need, to be less fat, and I need to see some changes fairly soon. Lastly, when I went off low carb before, I thought I was done with losing weight and I was now back to normal, and I'd never need to think about it again. I understand now that this is a lifetime struggle for me, and I have to stay diligent.
So, I'm a few days in to that, and down several pounds, and feeling pretty darn good. I'm certainly not gluten intolerant in any kind of severe way, but maybe it's time to accept that it's not in my best interest to eat a lot of bread. I'm going to stick with the current routine until the dramatic weight loss part stops, and then make very, very tiny incremental changes until I can find the threshold of carbs that I can manage and still lose weight for now.
And it's time to ramp up that exercise routine, even though, frankly, what I'm doing sounds pretty good for my age, level of overweight, and illness. It sounds good, but as I've said, I need to see some improvement. And I have until about mid March before the farm work gets really, really crazy, and it will be too easy, then, to go back to nuking a frozen pizza, or passing on the morning walks.
I need to make the magic happen now, and I think I'm ready to do it. The next eight weeks will be really, really crucial to reaching my goal by the time I'm 60. I still have thirteen months. I can do this.
You sound like a terrific woman. Gd luck.
It's funny, I can feel so much love and support here, even though hardly anyone ever posts except me. But I know people are there.
There is someone reading this now who's still so ashamed and still feels so alone and frightened that she can't bring herself to start a thread here, or comment on mine. Someone's reading this who is worried that she is going to lose the love of her person or the respect of her kids because of this addiction, or even her own life. Someone who's afraid to start because she can't handle one more failure. There are people here (both men and women, of course) who have screwed up their courage and written that first "I have to stop this" post, but then they're literally terrified after they hit the 'send' button, and wish they could take it back, and they don't visit this site again for months because it's just so effing hard to come out and say "I have a problem, and it scares the shit out of me, and I keep trying to fix it, and I can't." I think that's why there's so many people who post once and then disappear.
This is so, so hard. We have a problem that many people think is just in our heads, that we just need to have more willpower or stronger character. that's so grossly unfair, but it's so hard to argue with that smug size 6 person who does not hear the siren song of the cupcake.
And then when we DO start working on it, it's not always clear what, exactly, we need to do. Because our success is ironically determined by what we DON'T do, and that's awfully hard to measure. I know when I've done well with a day's work with my music, or with farming. But with 'not overeating'? It's not something you can put on your to-do list and cross off at the end of the day. I'm trying to control the awful, self-defeating thoughts in my head. How do I measure that?
So, my goal is to kick this thing, and then go out in the world and be an advocate for all of us. I really am serious about the book, and once I reach my goals i won't even mess around trying to find a publisher, I'll do that myself. I don't care if I make a cent on it. We just need a voice. People need to know they are not alone.
And I am happy to listen to anyone's story. I assume there's some way to send private messages on this forum, and if anyone wishes to do so I can promise you that I will respond and keep it private.
On another topic, since you might all appreciate the smile, I did my walk this morning in difficult conditions. The trail has not been plowed since a recent 5 inches of snow, but it's been tracked, and then slightly melted, and then refrozen. So today, I had 3.5 miles of uneven, icy, truly treacherous trail to navigate. I was very glad that my usual Sunday walking companion, who is blind, was unable to join me this morning, because navigating myself through it was as much of a challenge as I could handle, and I still have issues with 'left; and 'right' and I'm often a less-than-stellar guide for him, even in good conditions. I had to crawl on my hands and knees on some of the hills. And at the top of each one, I did a happy dance. and then I half slid down the next hill, and half walked half crawled up the other side.
But, I made it. It took almost two and a half hours (normally, it's just over an hour.) I got back in my car, closed the door, and yelled "I am fucking awesome!" at the top of my lungs.
We can DO things, my friends. We are ALL fucking awesome. We have GOT this.