IS EVERYTHING ELSE WORKING?

Interesting little mental adjustment today. Remember when I talked about the circle of despair, the imaginary circle I've found myself in? I don't exercise because it's uncomfortable, so I eat too much, so I'm depressed, so I eat too much, so I don't exercise?

Well, today I had an appointment with my rheumatologist, so that I could get a shot of the next hideous medication that might or might not slow this train wreck down.

Part of the routine at each appointment is a conversation with the doctor about how things are going in general. She has encouraged me to be honest and open and not just suck it up and say things are fine, which is my general default. So, I mentioned today that I'm frustrated about my weight, and frustrated about my lethargy and lack of exercise. (We did not specifically discuss the food addiction component.)

Now, my doctor is a lovely young woman whose family fled Kosovo in perilous circumstances many years ago. She has no pretense. No artifice. She does not beat around the bush. She is blunt and honest, and I love her.

She looked at me and said "Don't forget that you're tired because you're sick." When I started to protest - but the meds are helping, but I'm following all the protocols very carefully, etc - she waved my most recent bloodwork and xrays at me and said "You have an autoimmune disease which is not curable. We are aiming for good management, and at best remission. that might happen, although it has not, yet. But you are not and you will not be 'normal' again. Also, you are 58 years old and you are working too hard, even if you weren't dealing with this disease. So stop complaining about feeling tired and develop more realistic expectations."

Oh. Yeah. That.

Now, that may strike you as a sad thing. It's not. It's simply my reality, it's neither good nor bad. It just is. Everyone's got a thing. I just know the name of mine. It's nothing to whine about.

But, I do tend to just take my meds and then try to forget about it. And I still expect my body to function the way it did thirty years ago. I forgot I have this Thing, and I expect too much sometimes.

It was a reminder I needed. And while it had nothing to do with my current quest to triumph over this food addiction...........it is still relevant. We are complex operating systems, my friends. We are food addicts, yes, but the really lovely thing here is that there's OTHER things wrong with most of us, too. I know - how cheering! But honestly, it's important, bear with me here. We need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves. Our other bits, not just focusing solely on the addiction. Yes, the addiction is a monster that can control nearly every aspect of our lives. But, in the course of fighting it, we can't develop tunnel vision and neglect the rest of us.

So, go get that eye checkup you've been putting off, make yourself a cup of tea and put your feet up when you catch a cold - hold yourself in tender loving care, please. I wrote a few days ago about the experience of coming home from an adventure with a fertile emu egg, which in my world is not as weird as it probably sounds. The emu egg, after careful research, is in an incubator retrofitted for the extremely large egg, at the precise temperature of 96.5 degrees, with a damp towel beside it to provide the needed humidity. I'm turning the egg four times a day for 42 days. There is a note on the incubator reminding family members to keep the lid closed.

I don't even want the emu if it hatches - I'll give it back to the guy who gave me the egg. And here I am spending all this time and research and love on this goofily exquisite egg because, well, it's absolutely beautiful, and it's life, and what an awesome experience, you know?

But, how much more care, then, should I be taking of me? And you - are you taking care of you?

^ CLARIFYING PREVIOUS POST ^

I didn't do a great job explaining myself yesterday.

There are probably things wrong with each of us other than the food addiction. And if we're to truly fight the food addiction, we need to take care of those other things, too.

I think addicts of all kinds feel that they aren't worth the effort. That the addiction will continue to control their lives. So the addict is less likely to take good care of themself in general.

And if all those other bits are not working as well as they should, taking care of the addiction becomes that much harder.

That's where I was heading yesterday, but I rushed and I never quite pulled it all together.

WAIT. IT'S NOT JUST FOOD.

Another lightbulb moment, only I'm not sure what this illuminates that will be actually helpful.

I don't just EAT like this, I do EVERYTHING like this. As an example, I've found a new-to-me mystery author. I am devouring her books. That was the correct verb. I am reading at the same pace that I eat (and tasting as little). I realized I was in such a hurry to finish (why, Katie? Why? Just so you can start the next one?) that I was not savoring (again, it's the right word) the beauty of her craft.

I'll do this with every new book - blast through it as a furious pace, and then start to reread it, a little slower.

It's made me think. Why do I like to read? For the escapism, the window into another world or another way of thinking, for the wisdom (I can always learn something, always)- for the appreciation of the writer's craft, and because it slows my brain down a little bit.

So, why not appreciate the act of reading more? Would I really be less relaxed after reading if I slowed down?

I'm seeing this in a lot of aspects of my life, and I think it's connected to the food addiction.

It even describes how I'm handling the food addiction. Full steam ahead. Perhaps to the point of exhaustion.

Today, I'm trying to lay out my food for the day in the way that one would lay out clothing for the next day before going to bed. Somewhat literally, except for the non-perishables: I've cleaned off the kitchen island, and I set out things like an apple, some celery sticks - and a post-it note that says "turkey sandwich". I've put out a small dish of almonds, and the makings for a chicken stir-fry for dinner with a lot of veg (with post-its replacing the perishable ingredients.) There it is: today's food. Nothing more to think about. I'm trying to make the choices right now, and I hope I can stick with them. I'm telling myself - and surely this is true - that in making these decisions right now, I have cleared a space in my brain for other things. Can I get through an entire day without thinking of food, if I tell myself that the decisions have already been made? Can I use that brain-time for something else, something positive? Here's hoping.

A HALF STICK OF BUTTER

I gave in to my inner nerd and pulled out the calculator and figured out if I'm to reach my goal weight by my 6oth birthday, I have to lose 0.128 pounds a day.

I gave in to my inner artist and have decided that I'm going to visualize a half a stick of butter as the symbol for that amount.

Now, just to reiterate from an earlier post: food addiction is NOT about weight per se. There are people here with addiction issues who are thin. There are heavy people who don't really have an addiction issue (I assume).

But for me, it's tied together.

I think this visualization is helping. Because, you see, I've been too focused on the total amount. I lift 50 pound bags from the feed store every week and think omigod, I need to lose MORE than this. And that's overwhelming, so, potato chips.

But a half a stick of butter? One eighth of a pound? Can I do that today? Based on the number of calories you need to burn to lose a pound, I figure that's an 800-ish calorie deficit, from either less eating or more moving, or ideally, a combination.

This is of course only in a perfect mathematical world. I'm on meds that screw things up metabolically. And no two people are alike, and that includes ME on two different days.

But, still. I need a visual, and now I've got it. There's a half stick of butter in a dish on the kitchen counter. At the end of the day today, i want there to be that much less of me. Somehow, it made it much easier not to put butter on my toast this morning.......

CORRECTION

......I think that daily calorie change has to be more like 400. math before morning coffee never ends up in my favor, even with a calculator.

BUT I HAVE ALL THESE PEOPLE TO TAKE CARE OF.........

This post was inspired by comments made by another member here, although I'm going in a slightly different direction. She wrote of finding it a challenge to confide in others since she was usually the person who listened to and cared for everyone else.

That made the little bell ring, you know, the one that you hear when someone says something, or you read something that gives you a tiny little insight into your own situation.

Friends, here's my question today: how many of us, in our group of wounded, struggling addicts, define ourselves as the caregivers for others? Not necessarily in the full time sense, but more in terms of the kind of person you are, or how you see yourself relating to others.

Because this really hit me. My running joke was always that I was raised to be useful, and my beautiful younger sister was raised to be decorative. It's a joke. Only.....it's not. I am, and she is. I have always felt the need to compensate somehow for being less attractive (a conclusion my parents actively helped me reach).

I once read some goofy article about how each individual is like a specific part of the body: some people are heads, some are hearts. (And some are dicks, although the article didn't say that specifically - I figured that part out on my own.)

I remember reading that and thinking "I guess I'm a shoulder."

So I fell into this pattern of caretaking. But, I realize now that it wasn't always the healthy kind.

My parents were handicapped and had some pretty serious medical problems. I didn't go to them with the assorted problems of adolescence. I looked for answers in books and movies and sometimes found good ones, sometimes, bad ones. But, I found comfort in food. Since I was so active at the time this did not translate into a weight issue. But the pattern took hold.

My husband has issues with depression. In retrospect, there were things I could have said and done decades ago that would have led to a better situation now. I could have, and should have, been gently insistent that he get appropriate treatment. I could and should have held him more accountable. I could and should have communicated more clearly - not in anger - that the things he'd say and do as a result of his depression hurt other people. Instead, I became his apologist. His buffer to the world. I picked up the slack. I did extra chores. I didn't tell him when something bad happened, if at all possible - I just called the repairman and got it fixed and paid the bill, if it was a household problem. If it involved my own feelings in some way, I just sucked it up. And I ate. I started gaining weight after my pregnancies. Slowly, but pretty much consistently.

I had a teaching job in an inner city high school full of beautiful, hurt souls. I loved that job. But all the time I was teaching there, I was also caring for rapidly deteriorating parents, both of whom died during that time period, plus my own kids (who, happily, have turned out great) and the increasingly distant husband. I felt good. I felt energized by this. But.....I kept turning to food for comfort.

I could go on. (God knows I usually do, don't I? But what matters here is that it's a recognizable pattern, and I think this journey you and I are on is all about finding and changing patterns. I like being useful, helpful, the good listener. I don't plan to change that. But, I recognize now that in approaching that role so single-mindedly, I have probably neglected my own needs.

that last phrase - 'neglected my own needs' =- STILL strike me as selfish, even after all these years. But let me tell you what it really means.

It means I never got enough sleep. It means I worked when I was sick. It means I held emotions in check. It means I didn't ask for a hug, or a raise, or a sick day, or a parent volunteer for a school project, or help from a peer. I didn't tell the family "Hey, someone else wash those dishes, Mom needs to exercise, I'm going out to walk a few miles." I had recurring back problems, and didn't take the time to dot he exercises I learned in PT, so it's still a problem.

And THAT, I truly believe, is a factor in my now having an autoimmune disease, and a food addiction. And the irony here is that, if I don't get my shit together, I will end up causing far more pain and inconvenience to my children and grandchildren than I would if I became healthy emotionally and physically - even if doing so meant putting my own needs ahead of theirs at times.

I can't say for sure that if I'd exercised regularly and gotten more sleep and eaten healthy food instead of just grabbing something on the go because I had so many things to do, that I would be healthier now for sure.......but doesn't it seem reasonable?

Without change, I will be the person in the airplane who helps everyone else put on their air masks, but then keels over dead because she didn't get her own on first.

Only worse, because I won't keel over dead, I'll just be obese and arthritic and I'll need someone to open jars and clean up after me and help me go to the bathroom.. Friends, I did that for my parents, and while I loved them and did not begrudge them their circumstances................that's no one's Plan A, ok?

I've read years' worth of posts on this page. And I think there may be a common thread here. I don't think there's a selfish person on this forum. I don't think there's anyone here who puts their own needs ahead of others. I think this forum s full of empathetic people who genuinely care for others and who put others first.

But, at what cost?

Can we do all these wonderful things, things the world so desperately needs, and not harm ourselves in the process? The world needs love warriors, to use Glennon Doyle's beautiful phrase. But.......love warriors need to have enough sleep, they need to be well hydrated, they need enough vitamin B and C and D and so on, they need bodies that are limber and strong, and they need to NOT BE KILLING THEMSELVES WITH FOOD.

I truly think this little scared and scarred community here can change the world. But friends, we have to get our own shit together first. Let's do this.

Can we love ourselves enough to do that? Can we love our other people enough to take care of ourselves too?

DEALING WITH THE CLUTTER

You know how random things pop up on your facebook page? I clicked on one today. The headline was something about dealing with clutter, and that's something I'm trying to get a handle on here. Not surprisingly, it was for a program that you had to pay for. But there was a paragraph in the introductory stuff that resonated with me.

See, I'm pretty sure that for me, personally, my issues with clutter (both physical and the overworked brain kind of clutter) are connected to my overeating. I am not completely certain that I could posit a rational explanation for this, nor do I wish to try right now. But I know my own messy self pretty well. And I know there's a connection.

So, it stands to reason that what helps one area might help another. Thus, I clicked, and I read a bit.
Yes, it was an ad. Yes, it was prepared by someone trying to troll for business. But......it doesn't mean there couldn't be some truth in it.

Three things: Put yourself first. Change your mindset. Slow down.

How these apply to me, specifically, might not be the same for you. But I think we can all find some truth in here.

The first one is the hardest for me. It still seems selfish and wrong. And it took a minute to make the connection to the clutter I have around here, but I finally see it.

Let's take one very small part of the giant mess that is my house. Let's talk about canning jars. I used to do a fair amount of canning from the garden here, when the house was full, Now it's just the two of us, and I do far, far less.

But, there are - I swear I am not kidding - over a thousand glass canning jars in the basement.

It's not like I went out and bought them all. People bring them to me. This is a problem when you live on a farm near an urban area. People bring crap to your house because 'maybe you can use this'.

So, a thousand jars.

Now. What I need, what i NEED, is to have the wonderful shelves in the cellar to be empty, so I can organize and pack things that really ought to be stored there (instead of just randomly shoved on the floor.)

I truly NEED this. I really NEED to be able to walk around the cellar without banging my knees on junk. I need to be able to find things, I need to not feel claustrophobic because of all of the crap down there. When I go on vacation, it's not just the change of scenery that appeals to me - it's the lack of clutter and crap piled everywhere.

So why am I holding on to all of those jars? Because I might need them someday. And then I'd have to go out and buy more, and it's more frugal to just hold on to them. Right?

Well, no.

I do need to be frugal. But the thing is.........I need that space, that organization, that open-ness far more. If I need to buy jars in the future, well, sure, it's not like I have extra $ lying around. But I wouldn't be buying a thousand at a time anyway.

The bottom line is, I'm looking at two good concepts: frugality and un-clutteredness. but I'm choosing the wrong one. And that's because, or in part because, I don't put my real needs first.

(It's not just canning jars. It's the piles of leftover lumber from housebuilding projects. It's the drawers full of strange things like packages of hinges or half used lip balm tubes or pens that may or may not work. I would be - I will be - happier when all that stuff is just gone.)

My kitchen is fairly well designed - if I'd use the cupboards and drawers for the things I really need and actually use. Instead, the drawers and cupboards are stuffed with crap that rarely is needed, and the things I use are out on the counter. I can't put them away, because the cupboards are full.....of things I don't need.

Similarly, I don't make time to exercise because there's all this stuff I 'should' be doing. And yes, some of it is valid. But a lot of it is not. It hasn't been examined critically for quite sometime. it's just habit. And what's actually more important than improving the quality of my life?

The connection to food and overeating is a little harder to see, but it's there. I'm not prioritizing actually taking care of myself. I'm not doing the things I really NEED. I'm not feeding myself the nutrients my body needs, so I'm doing this crazy binging thing. I'm not addressing some complicated like problems, so I'm compensating with food.

I can see the parallel. I'm just not sure where to start. But my goal for today is to at least take some steps in the right direction.

This could be written by me, except I am in my 40's. Was an athlete, still quite active, and have an almost identical story. I too, have had therapists refer me to nutritionists. This always annoys me. Most food addicts know everything about nutrition, could write the book, as you say, because they have spent decades trying to manage it and have read everything they can get their hands on. The problem isn't ignorance about what's healthy, and anyone who thinks that's the problem just does not understand food addiction AT ALL and is coming from a perspective where it's simply a matter of choosing what to put in your mouth and what to say no to. I secretly resent the hell out of these "just say no" people. They don't get it, and they never will.

Agreed. It's one of the most frustrating parts about this, dealing with uninformed, judgmental people who think it's a simple fix. I share your resentment. If it was easy, I'd have fixed it a long time ago.

BLAME GAME

I've been thinking about blame lately. I just finished a theater run, playing in the pit for Into the Woods, and a central point in the second act is all of the characters blaming each other for their misfortunes. And Lechatgris' comment above really highlighted something else I've been struggling with lately.

As my quest for 'getting my shit together' continues, it is by necessity and by my own personal preference becoming more public. Sure, i'm spilling everything here, but in real life it's been a little more circumspect, or let's face it, I'd have no friends left at all - who wants to actually listen to this all day? :)

And I'm getting that judgmental crap that L. mentions. The 'helpful' comments that are, basically, boiled down to "well, just don't eat that, then." Oh, thank you, brilliant one! I could not have thought of that myself! Bless you, Captain Obvious! Yeesh.

Anyway, here's something for us to consider - perhaps this story will help you educate those people in your life who tell you it's 'just willpower'.

I was recently prescribed an opioid. Given my family history, I was not enthusiastic about this at all. I mean, we're reading things every day about the opioid crisis. The last thing I need is to add yet another problem to my spectacularly effed up head. So, I was skeptical, but my doctor felt strongly that this was a necessary, temporary step. I agreed to try it for one week.

It didn't do a thing for me. It didn't particularly alleviate the pain. But there was also absolutely no side effect, no buzz, no happy feeling, no whatever it is that makes people come back for more of it. It was a strong dose. Maybe a week isn't enough to develop any kind of issue with it. But, friends of mine have talked about taking the exact same med after dental surgery and feeling 'spaced out' or 'high', and that's just after a dose or two. they tell me that the experience was enough to make them understand how someone could want to revisit that feeling. For me, nothing.

When discussing it with my doctor at a followup visit, she said that yes, this is how it works: for some people, the opioids do nothing at all that would lead to addictive behavior. No rush, no high, nothing. And I'm one of those people.

Now, on the other hand - I would blush to admit this but I've vowed to be honest here - I got pretty damn tingly last night eating coconut cream with a spoon out of the can while making a massaman curry. I mean, I felt stress evaporating while I ate it. Dear God. It's, like, pure fat. And I felt the dopamine or whatever it is that's released by your brain when you do your happy thing, you know, like after good sex - I felt that flooding through me while I ate it. Despite the fact that tears were running down my face and I was beating myself up for such a spectacular downfall after several really good, strong weeks of work.

That's not normal, let's face it.

But that's kind of my point. There is some strange voodoo going on here in our brains, and our job, as we try to get healthy, is far more difficult than 'just say no'.

Am I a superior person because I can take opioids without developing an addiction? Is my willpower better than an addict's? Of course not. There's something going on with brain chemistry that makes those little pills meaningless to me and an obsession for someone else.

Am I stronger than my friend who's an alcoholic because I can stop after a glass of wine? Lord, no. The man trained for and ran twenty eight marathons in five years and started ninety pounds overweight. He's amazing. But, he can't drink one glass of wine. That's not a flaw in his character. That's chemistry.

Am I inferior because I have a food addiction? No. Just........NO.

It means we have to work harder. Someday, someone's going to figure out what the imbalance is, or the trigger, or whatever. You and I know there's something wrong with us. You and I know there's an answer. But, we can't wait for it. We have to work on this, because our lives depend on it. And they do. Will I drop dead because of my food addiction? It's certainly possible, the extra weight can't be good for my heart. But look, there's a whole other level to this. My food addiction affects the quality of my life in ways I'm only beginning to understand. I don't want to be this way. And as I older, the problems that my addiction causes will only worsen. I will be a burden on my kids. No one wants that.

I will do my best today. I can do this.

MAYBE IT'S THIS SIMPLE

I read a book review about a woman whose daughter had a brain tumor. In an excerpt, she refers to her daughter's constant hunger, and resultant obesity, that was a side effect of the tumor. The poor child would wake up in the middle of the night sobbing from hunger.

Curious, I googled 'brain injury constant hunger', and found a ton of links.

Now, I didn't read them all. Understand, I'm not looking for an excuse for my overeating here. Nor am I a persistent researcher.

But it is still incredibly helpful for me to find hints, at least, that there may genuinely be a solvable Thing for us. A chemical imbalance, an old injury. Who among us hasn't been whomped on the head at least once in their life? For me, it was a bicycle accident when I was 11, back in the days when no one wore helmets. Who knows? Maybe that reset something in my brain.

I eat, sometimes, when I'm not remotely hungry. But I do feel that I'm hungry more often than normal people.

Again, it is NOT AN EXCUSE nor is it a reason to give up and stop trying to get better. It's simply acknowledging that the goal post is pretty damn high, and it's going to take hard work to get over it. And it's comforting to think that someday science may understand this better.

BOTTOM OF THE BARREL KIND OF DAY

I'm in a slump, and I'm struggling to climb out of it. that's why I haven't posted for a few days. Just feeling discouraged. But, if I'm going to get through this, I have to address the discouragement and not just ignore it.

Maybe later. Right now, I just can't.

I'M BEGINNING TO EAT A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS

okay, got to get a handle on this eating thing. Thanksgiving was not terrible. I stayed out of the booze, so that helped. I ate too much, yes, but it wasn't a binge-y kind of thing. I enjoyed the long weekend with the grandbabies and all the kids here..........all good.

But.

Now we face the challenge. There's a lot of food here. Some of it I've been able to pack away in the freezer; there's some frozen casseroles and such that I will be grateful for later. I sent plates of food to neighbors who are shut ins and so on.

But.

There's three quarters of an enormous, and I do mean enormous, bag of french fried onions, At an intellectual level I find these repulsive. At an emotional level, well, the little s.o.b.'s were calling me with their siren song at 2 am last night. I resisted. But tonight I could succumb.

So, I should just throw them out.

But that's not frugal. I also need to be frugal. Just got the credit card statement, ouch, and haven't done all the Christmas shopping yet, more ouch.

SoI should use them in creative ways.

I could go portion them into little snack sized bags and shove them in the pantry in the hopes of doling them out over a long period of time, but then I'd have to apologize to the planet for all that extra plastic.

This is the story of my life: healthy, frugal, and environmentally conscious just never freaking line up right. It is ridiculous to exert this much energy (oh, if only mental anguish burned calories!) over 12 ounces of something I don't really even like, you know?

And of course this is only one food item that's still here. Dear God. There's Brie, there's apple pie, there's stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy...........I need to have a party, but all my friends would probably bring their own leftovers.

Okay, Katie, get a grip. Drink water, go for a walk, come back in an hour and make a healthy salad. Sprinkle some of the damn things on the salad and give the rest to the chickens. Magic! They'll turn into eggs.

FINDING MY TRIBE

I decided, a few weeks ago, to reach out and see if I can't find some local support. So I placed an ad on the local Freecycle board.

WANTED: As part of my effort to be healthier, I'm walking the full trail at Wildwood every MWF at 7:30 am, rain or shine. I'd love company and support, and perhaps I could offer both to you as well if you have similar goals? 3.5 mph pace, hoping to improve gradually. Look for a frumpy old woman doing awkward stretches and warmups in the North lot at 7:25 am.

(((Now, I'm not suggesting this for everyone, because you need to be safety-conscious. The particular trail where I walk is usually full of people, and the first few times I went after posting this, I took my dog, who is large, although probably useless in an emergency. Be smart.)))

It's working well so far. I have a small group of people - mostly women, two men - who have shown up fairly regularly. We have agreed to stay away from political discussions or anything else inflammatory in any way. We have agreed to find a 50/50 balance between complaining and being positive. We have agreed that coffee at McDonald's afterward is okay if anyone has time, but nobody's ordering any food.

The interesting thing is that while we are pretty open with each other while walking, no one's shown any interest in socializing otherwise. I think we're finding a nice balance of being supportive and honest while maintaining some privacy. I mean, we just had a pretty graphic discussion yesterday about bladder control issues while exercising, but we don't know each other's last names. For me at least, this is a good framework.

So, look, friends: the things you write when you introduce yourself here have some similarities. One thing that comes up often is that overeating is habitual and often happens when you're stressed, bored, or lonely. And we've all identified times when we DON'T abuse food, and they usually involve being active, and being around other people. Can my idea work for you? Can you adapt it to your own needs? Use Facebook, Freecycle, Craigslist, a bulletin board at your church or a coffeeshop - maybe even ask at your doctor's office, perhaps you can post something there. Look at your schedule and see what might work for you regularly - or just try a few dates and see how it goes. Suggest something specific, something that's free, and something / somewhere that's safe. If you want to impose any restrictions based on your own preferences, there's no reason you can't do so. It doesn't even have to be exercising. It could be quilting, or a book club sort of thing. I'm sure there's an option that's going to work for you.

If the end result is one friend, for one day, and you never see that person again, that's actually kind of worth it, you know? Because we can learn something from every single person on the planet.
And finding your support tribe is priceless.

JUST GO AHEAD AND SAY IT ALREADY

Many people hesitate to ask for support because they don't want to admit a problem, or they don't want to be gossiped about, or they don't want crap from family members, or it's just too embarrassing, or..........other reasons, probably all somewhat similar.

I am here to tell you that the world doesn't end when you say the scary words out loud. Exactly the opposite.

I've made a decision to do this journey publicly. I won't post my full contact into on a website or forum just because of basic internet security and not wanting spam and trolls, but in real life, I don't hesitate at all anymore. I share my weight when I think it's appropriate. i've given motivational talks in which I say it in the first sentence. What does it matter? It's a terrible number (224.4 pounds as of this morning, down from a high of 230). It's not coming down as fast as I'd hoped. But there you are. It's also not the totality of who I am as a person.

Look, your friends already know you've got a problem, okay? Your / our food issues are not really a secret from anyone. They might not know the specifics. But, they know.

Gossipers are already gossiping and will do so no matter what you do because they're small, petty, mean creeps, and nothing you do will change that.

Family members who crap on you will do so no matter what; see above. You won't change them.

And look, my friends: LIFE is embarrassing. We humans do ridiculous, inappropriate things. We slip and fall, we make a stupid face right when the camera clicks, or stomachs rumble (or worse) in church, we have a chia seed stuck in our teeth and don't know it until after the presentation's over.

Here is what I have found almost every single time I have opened up: the response is nearly one hundred percent "Me, too. I thought I was the only broken one. I really could use some support / help / a few kind words. Thank you for being honest."

I don't get reactions that are negative, frankly. I get reactions that are relieved, because finally someone's said what everyone's thinking in their hearts: maybe I'm the only broken one. Maybe no one else has this problem. Maybe no one else cares.

But we are all broken. From the moment we're born, we're on a one way trip to death and decay. (insert your spiritual beliefs here, of course......but from a purely physical point of view, I'm right.) No one gets out of this alive. After we hit the top of the bell curve in our youth, our physical bodies start to slow down. We gain weight, we fart, we drool in our sleep, our noses run at the worst times.

And life is still a wonderful thing with magic and love for anyone who seeks it.

Those people you think are perfect? They're not. They're broken too. You can't always see it. But we all carry a burden. We all have flaws, and aches, and sorrows.

So, get over this idea that people will laugh at you for your honesty. The few who might aren't worth holding onto, even if you share DNA. And you need the ones who will walk beside you and tell you to just hang in there. You need the ones you can text at 11 pm and ask to distract you so you don't eat the brownies. You need the ones who will say "I admire you for your courage" and "you're giving me strength to believe I can do this too."