Autumn, I am sorry that you are in this situation. It is hard enough to be chronically ill without having additional problems going on.

I don't know how long your partner has been dealing with her depression and loss problem. But, I would venture to say that it doesn't sound like she is dealing with the problem well at all.

And, shutting you out is not part of the deal in a relationship. Good, bad or indifferent, communication is important. If she won't talk to you, then she needs a professional. I think that you are going to have to have the *talk* with her for your own sake as well as hers. IMHO this is unhealthy and selfish behavior. You seem to be the only person vested in the relationship at the moment and that isn't fair. Depression is a beotch. Sometimes you can't dig your way out without help. I hope that you can get her to listen and work something out. Hugs and support to you!

BTW, I am frequently the only person on my planet too. My partner works hard and is gone all day. I keep myself busy with an array of hobbies. My favourite distraction is genealogy. I've found living distant relatives all over the world. We've become friendly and Skype which can be fun. I read and do other things like gardening. I have learned that my worth is not dependent on any one else. I am very comfortable being alone. If I didn't see or talk to anyone for a few days, it would not bother me at all. Take care.

Thank you Fantod. She has been seeing a counselor for over a year. I also see a counselor which helps some but I have not been able to do any gardening or sewing because of my hands being so bad lately. I read but have felt lately that the people I am reading about have a life which only makes me feel more alone. I think I need to look at a support group close to home as well as here where I am free to say what I need to say. I am not sure if my insurance will pay for a group but when I see my counselor later this month I am going to ask. I would love to volunteer somewhere but worry that my illness is such that I can not be counted on to be there when needed. I hate my damn illness and my lonely life.

Autumn have you ever tried a paraffin dip for your hands?

No why?

Using melted paraffin can be helpful to relieve pain in your hands. It has a deep heating effect that a lot of people with RA find helpful. You can buy a paraffin bath online. You drop your hands in and let the wax harden and then peel it off for reuse.

I understand the loneliness i live a lone since my husband died 4 years ago. My parents are mostly all i have other than my medical supports and the mental health center. I havnet visited with my friend who lives above me in months shes always *too busy* for me. Same old story i guess. Happens all the time. Most of my support and friends are online, dont get me wrong they are wonderful and a lifesaver all of you are too, but at times it helps to have friends you can physically be around. Today i actually got out for non medical reasons and spent time at my parents and tomorrow i have a baby shower for someone at church IF i go depends how i feel (migraine coming on on top of bad pain from over doing it) I started a DBT group a couple weeks ago been once only becasue this past monday i was in the hospital but i loved the one i went too, was shy like i always am but everyone was very nice and its a small group. THey said we are free to have out of group friendships so im hoping! Mostly im putting this so you know your NOT alone and i DO understand the loneliness!

Fantod thanks for the info I have never heard of doing that for RA. I will look into it.
Angela this group and you have been priceless to me. Everyone here in the board have made me feel like a member of a special club. I know that I can reach out here and people will understand.

Here is a link: https://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=h9SSBD_ffjI

I'm very sorry to hear that, AutumnSong. I remember the loneliness I felt, lacking friends, before I met my partner and during the two years we were separated by the Atlantic Ocean. It saddens me to hear that the current state of your relationship still has you feeling this way.

I agree with Fantod that, despite the fact that you partner has other things going on in her life, that it is no way for a partner to behave. We can't expect them to be perfect, but it's not unfair to expect of our significant other that they put visible effort into the relationship. Life will throw many things at us, and you have a great ability for empathy in understanding how she is struggling. That doesn't take away that you have needs, and that there are things you deserve from a partner and in a relationship.

I hope your insurance will cover some sort of group thing for you, or that you find a place to volunteer where it is busy enough that you can walk in whenever your fibro allows to help for a while.

Much support and understanding while you wade through it all. Take care.

This illness is unbelievably isolating, isn't it, sigh? Over the last few years my world has shrunk, and shrunk, and shrunk and shrunk some more. It's very hard to adjust to but like you I've become very good (is that the right word?) at being comfortable in my own company. Of course the fact I talk to my house spiders is a tad worrying, but then my mind is mush these days too.

I just wanted you to know you're not alone with these feelings, and it is ok, and also to listen, ever so gently to that feeling that even books have a better quality of life. It doesn't mean you need major changes, just something small adjusting a little. It's hard with this dratted illness, and all the other challenges it brings, so be gentle with yourself.

Hugs

Pumpkin thank you for your post. I am so grateful that someone understands. That helps more than anything I could ever do. I am going to spend more time out of the house. I rethought the ty chi at least for now. There are a lot of other things things I can do.

Feeling lonely in a relationship is an awful feeling. My husband is often in his own world, clueless, and / or is out doing his own activities day after day (because I can't do those types of vigorous activities so he leaves me at home). I'm hardly on his radar. So I know the feeling. And when I try to make friends with normal people, I can't keep up with them. Plus I hate all the probing questions and gossiping about me because they don't understand if I'm really sick with anything, and if I am, WHAT.

Have you tried couples counseling?
Taking up an activity that involves joining a group (eg: book club, music group, depression/ chronic pain support group, arts / crafts group, etc)? Here's a place you can start, a website called meetup: https://www.meetup.com/topics/hobbies/

I'm so sorry honey, I know how you feel. My husband plays guitar and stays far away from me and my girls. It is very lonely and not fair to you. She does need help, and then couples counseling would be good too, but it sounds like she needs to deal with some issues first. You just have to be honest with her and see if she is willing to try something different to get out of this funk. I think Fantod and Blue had a lot of great things to say too. I hope things turn around for you. Having fibro is lonely enough for somebody to deal with.

Thanks for your responses. I talked to my counselor this week and she said to concentrate on me. I am going to try going to a center that has all kinds of things to do. I am going to take care of me and let her get through her grief. I will continue to check in with her to see how she is doing but I am not going to push her to talk. I am looking forward to doing something new.