First of all, I think your a really great friend and I'm sure she knows this. I bet when she has time she'll fill you in. How old is her daughter? The accusations don't seem so severe to cause CPS to get so involved. When she came in to drop of something were you alone or was someone else in the room with you? It really could be anything. She did say her husband is looking at a job 10 hours away. Maybe she is upset at his sudden decision? Maybe her daughter is getting railroaded at school now and they want to get a fresh start? Who knows, but because your so close I bet she will come to you. You did the right thing by letting her know your there if she needs you. That's the best you can offer. Just keep letting her know you love her and hold no judgement. I hope everything works out for her. Peace and Love.

Her daughter is 8. The actual accusations were that her daughter forced other kids to watch innapropriate videos, that she forced them to lie naked next to her in a bed and that she mimicked sexual acts with her stuffed animals in front of them. That's why CPS was involved. But they were never left alone long enough for most of that to occur. Her daughter is the middle child and she is incredibly shy about her body and uncomfortable for even her mom to see her naked (red flag, I know, but before there was no reason to suspect this was something other then the start of personal modesty). After CPS investigated the original accusations they discovered they were not what was originally told.

Her husband has been looking at jobs for awhile. He applied for this one thinking it was local and then realizing it was so far away. He has easily turned down interviews for places far away but whatever happened is what prompted him to accept this interview. And the boss wants to meet the whole family so they all have to travel that far and she isn't shaken up about the move at all.

I was alone, my spouse and daughter were at her dance class and then off to rock climbing. Her kids were at gymnastics and karate so she would of had at least half an hour to sit and talk, we have done it before, if she had wanted to talk.

She seems to think whoever the other party in whatever incident happened is going to blow the lid on it. All she would say was that she couldn't talk about it, and when I asked if it was a relationship thing between her and her hubby (he and I have had a rocky past lol) she just said no, it included someone else.

Her kids are off school tomorrow and she has a slow day in the day home so I'm hoping she decides to call me. I'm hoping maybe whatever she had to tell me was to hard to say to my face and on the phone will be easier for her. I think if it has to do with her daughter she may also be hesitant because she knows my own past. I had an overly friendly uncle and I sometimes get a little...off....when the topic of possible sexual abuse, ecspecially with children, comes up. But it's not her fault I get like that and it's not something I can help.

I hope she realizes she can talk to me about anything in the whole wide world and she talks to me soon because this is eating her up inside.

Sounds like the daughte is a sexual abuse survivor. Wonder if it's the husband, hence the move at the same time???

Why are you so wrapped up in this? I know it's great to be a good friend, but it shouldn't be affecting you so much.

Try the Codependency forum... Maybe that's the real issue here?

Good luck and hugs.

While your friendship is close, she has rights to just want support from you without telling you every little detail that goes on in her life. You are to be her friend and you're letting curiosity rule over the friendship.
If she wants to tell you she will, in the meantime back off for both of your sakes.

I told her I was here when she was ready and that's all I've done. I wasn't really aware that was being pushy and letting curiosity rule my friendship. I have never pushed her, never urged her to tell me. Sure, I hope she will open up to me so that I can help if able but I am not putting my life on hold until she does.

I'm wrapped up in this because she is more like my family then most of my own family. Yes, seeing her hurt hurts me. That's how it should be with people you love. If it's not then there is something fundamentally wrong with you.

She and I have been best friends for 21 years. We often go weeks at a time without talking due to busy schedules and life in general, so no, codependency is not an issue even a bit. My sister is codependent, I know the signs and I am well aware of the issues.

Her husband does have a past. She doesn't know exactly what it is as he won't tell her, and all I've heard is rumors (her husband and my fiance are cousins, that's how he and I met) so they could be off base. But the only fact is that it was a one time occurrence when he was a child almost 20 years ago. They were recently on the brink of divorce, she and I spent hours and hours discussing her happiness and what she wanted and she decided to work things out. If it was something her husband had done I think she would of left him. Plus, they have another daughter who is 2 years older who is less then shy about her body and shows none of the signs of anything that her sister does.

You had said in your OP that you were stressed out and didn't know what to do.

It seems like you have figured out since then; that's good.

Just keep in mind that if she never tells you, it may either be b/c she can't legally or she's trying to protect you.

If this ever gives you more angst, just remember the serenity prayer.

Hugs.

Im an athiest :) prayers do little good. But thank you

Okay, then call it a mantra and take God out of the mix-

May I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The strength to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Jolene i'm sorry, after re-reading my reply I can see how cold it was, ouch. That sure wasn't my intention.

I have a lot of problems typing and try to shorten things up, got to watch how things come out more :(.

If this was my friend i'd be worried also and it would be hard to wait for her to tell me on her own terms.

Best wishes to you both.

I used to go to Alateen so the prayer is ingrained in my head! lol

I have text her once a day just to make sure she was okay but that's all I've done. She has a history of depression and she takes medication. As well as she has tried to kill herself in the past. That was before her kids and such but I feel better if we touch base daily because I saw how low she was.

What happens when she doesn't text back?

This will only get worse if there's major consequences and she moves away...

What if you just said that you're there if she needs you and then pull back? You can't keep her alive; only she can do that. A text a day is nice, but it's an illusion to think that will do anything for her...

I think you could be setting yourself up for some heartache if you don't detatch a bit. You're not doing anything wrong, but I think it's time to let her handle this in her own way.

If she doesn't reply I call. If she doesn't answer I go there. A text is enough space as we usually text all day and have at least one phone call. Sure I can't stop her with a text if she really wanted to do it. But I know that just knowing that there is someone out there who cares enough to check on you daily can help.

I haven't asker her about whats going on since the original day. Basically my texts are "you ok?" or "check, check, this is me telling you that I love you and to smile" and she replies with an I'm ok or an I love you too. And that's the end of it.

I don't text more then once as I'm letting her make the first phone call or visit plans when she is ready :)

Please forgive me, but texting, then phoning and then actually going over there sounds like you ARE trying to prevent her from self injury.

You say that your sister is codep and your relationship is stronger with your friend than it is with your relative.

I'm detecting some boundary issues with you. Are you sure you're not a little too enmeshed in this friend's life? What will you do if she moves away?

Please be careful and take care to protect yourself, too.

Hugs.

she will talk to you when she is ready. until then, just proceed with her as you normally would. a good friend does not act like there is something wrong if she is not ready to broach the topic.

--EJ

Well of COURSE I'm taking minor precautions to prevent her from self injury. What sort of person is aware someone they care about is prone to hurting themselves and just sits back and lets it happen? A monster. I would never want to be that person. I volunteer with at risk teens and a text a day is something they teach for youth who are at risk for self harm or running away. Letting them know some one cares can often make the difference.

My sister is a drug addict who lost all her kids and is currently in jail. I'm definitley closer with my friend :) its not hard.

If she moves we will talk on the phone occasionally and have a visit when she comes down. 8 years ago she moved 7 hours away and we did fine. She isn't my only friend. I have others whom I also spend time with and talk to. So if she moves Id be bummed but its not life ending and our relationship will survive.

I cant proceed with her like nothing is wrong. Believe me from past experiences. You act like nothing is wrong and she feels like you dont care enough to be bothered by it. Her mother had an 11 year battle with cancer and in the start she didnt want to talk about it but she didnt want everyone to pretend nothing was wrong and go on. She wanted support without her having to talk about it. Thats what she has always wanted when a very big issue came up in her life