Hi,

It has taken me a lot of courage to share my story and ask for advice since I have always wanted honest opinions but I was too afraid of getting judged.

I am 16 years old. I am the best student of my class. Hardworking. Trying to become a lawyer to help people. Sounds like I am in the right direction, right? Truthfully, I am deeply messed up.

I have been living in a house of screams since I was born. I was a single child until I was fourteen. My father is a businessman. He is hardworking, judgemental (racist, sexist), cares about appearances. He is a maniac cleaner. I remember being beaten as I child because of bread crums. He usually buys me a lot of stuff or is really nice and then he becomes verbally aggressive.

My mother is a nurse. She defends tough love and believes I am spoiled because of my father. She spends her time screaming, calling me a bitch or calling me dumb, and then pretending that that isn’t an insult but a light way of treatment. One day I caught her photographing my things to sell.

It all comes down to me stuck with them because I am a minor. I have no where to go and I cannot leave my sister.

During most of my life, I felt sorry for both and tried to comfort them. My compassion backfired. I was allianated. 

They were always arguing and convincing a child about how evil the other one was when he/she was absent. One moment I was being hugged and cared for, the other I got slapped for giving my opinion.

I was a compassionate problem solver child who slowly got tired and angry.

Once I hit my mother instinctively when she was pregnant because she was coming after me to beat me. I am very ashamed of that because my sister is the person I love most and I NEVER wanted to hurt her in any way. She is the only innocent person in this. I hit her again a couple days ago because she was teaching my sister about cleaning her nose on my clothes. I mean it was disgusting but I did act wrongly.

It has been 16 years living with these two. I have problems felling asleep. I never had emotional stability. I always had to suck it up and move on. A few weeks ago my mother attacked me because of the remote. I didn’t let it go so my hand ended up bleeding. She screams at me since I come home to when I fall asleep. Sometimes, when they are both angry at me I hear them talking bad about me when I am supposed to be sleeping.

This feels like a power game and I feel full of it and now I explode so easily. It is a toxic environment and I had years to figure out how to deal with it but I cannot.

I feel so much anger in my heart towards my parents for how messed up and psychotic I have become. I still love them because they are my parents. I never received an apology from my mother and my father has hurt me too. I stopped feeling sorry and started feeling rage. 

I cannot run away and abandon my little sister. I don’t want her to have my childhood. But what I am most afraid of is loosing myself here. I want to be better.

This is a really long story and here is probably just 1% of it.

I didn’t know if I had the right to vent about my life when there are so many people in worse situations. I am not sure I am worth any help or if I am a lost cause, but if you made it this far, thanks for hearing me. It means everything to me.