Family Issues Support Group

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Time out from my Narcissitic Mother

deleted_user
deleted_user
I have been wanted to write about my mother for so long and this board has been so helpful! I won't go into to much detail about her abuse, so many have written the same stories but I have had it with this last round and I have decided to take a time out from her.
We just celebrated our 15 anniversary and while we recieved cards and calls from family and friends again this year not a peep from her. I say again because I cannot remember the last time she even acknowledged my anniversary. So I decided to just go through the fall out because my feeling were hurt and I was tired of it. So I e-mailed her how I felt. It was a matter of fact and to the point e-mail. I didn't attack her in anyway. I received an e-mail back from her saying she didn't realize that getting a card from her was so important but then reminded me that she does send cards for birthdays and christmas. No sorry or any form or remorse from her. She then sent some religious e-mails (which I ask her not to do) and then later an e-mail about how she has tried to send an e-card and it keeps getting bumped back to her.
So I bascially get stonewalled AGAIN, my feelings are not validated AGAIN, she reminds me what she does do AGAIN and then oversteps boundries that I have set-up AGAIN. What to do what to do.
After crying and talking with my dh who cannot stand my mother about how she makes me feel like crap I decided that I need to take time away from her so that I can get some help to be stronger, find who I really am without her hurtful influence.

Several years ago I discovered that was is a Nmother. When I was having trouble nursing my daughter due to mastitis I was trying to get her to latch to a very sore boob and was crying, my mother entered the room saw me crying and said "now u know what I went through" She has told me she tried to nurse ONCE in the hospital but was too nervous. Ahhhhh!

I am about to embark on a new period in my life and that is to not have her in my life. I do not know if this is temporary or not but I do know that I have to take time away from her. I am nervous because I know that the s*** will hit the fan and she will come after me with a vengance. I am used to this though. I didn't realize how she has underminded me with my children and husband or me personally till I started reading story after story from this board and others. I am truly thankful for everyone being so open and honest about their struggles.

If anyone has gone through this I would love to hear. I cannot live this way anymore nor do I want too! i have a good life aside from her but her emotional void can be all consuming and I don't want that in my life!

Thanks for listening
riseabove
riseabove
that sounds very similar to my mother...when you said the breastfeeding thing, oh man, that's what my mother did and does about everything...AND my dad does that too! my mom was my worst critic of me not bfing after i tried for 5 weeks...she said she strictly bf'd me and my bro but then soon after my son was born, i saw a pic of me with a bottle! so i asked her about it and she did not say ONE WORD! that's what she does when she has been caught in a lie! she has lied to me about everything in my life..i literally feel like my life is a lie on so many levels...even telling me i only have one kidney and when i had my 1st ultrasound when i was pg, the dr said who told you you only have one kidney...you have 2! wtf?? then my dad denies ever telling me that i only have one kideny which is not true..he told me the same thing...that is just one small example, yet a big thing..about my health, ya know??? i was very suicidal this time last year and other times in my life (i will be 36 this month) and i was always suicidal over THEM! sounds weird to wanna kill yourself because of your parents, but they fucked with my mind sooo badly! so over the past year, it has been a roller coaster with them (always has been, but this was the worst) and i finally have "broken away" from them some, and i am seeing a therapist and i am taking zoloft for depression and it has helped a lot..i just can't go back to the way things were..they messed up my life on so many levels and i need to make them be at a far distance with them...they can see my kids and i will see them for holidays if i feel like it but i had to set up MAJOR boundaries this past year and they hated it. but oh well, it's my life, and it's YOUR life and you need to take control. i know it's so hard, but you can do it! hugs!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you Riseabove:) I am so sorry that you were suicidal and I am glad that you are alive. Nparents create such a hell for their kids it should be illegal. Good for you distancing yourself as well. I keep my mother at arms length but have felt that I needed to keep a relationship with her for my kids. Of course my 11yr old has told me that she berates him infront of her friends with him in the room! I kept telling him not to take it personally that was the way she was but then again I fell into her trap. I will no longer allow her to go after my kids. It will be hard I am sure and I am not looking forward to the painful parts but I sure as hell am looking forward to being free from her physically so I can be free from her emotionally (with help of course.) Congrats on bf your son for 5 weeks.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have decided in the last few days that I am distancing myself as well. I tried just using physical distance to improve our relationship and it only made things worse. So after much thought and journaling, I have come to the final decision that I need to cut them our for a while.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oops pressed add by accident. I think that what you are doing is best for you. I think that we all understand what's best for us more than anyone else. Don't close this out as a permanent decision. In a few months, years, you may feel like you want to go back and try again. Don't feel like you have to commit yourself to never speaking to them again in your whole life. Just do what is best for YOU. And especially for Nparents, therapy is a lifesaver.
deleted_user
deleted_user
InvertedB, I agree with you that there are times when we do need to cut ourself off from the abuse. I am not sure how long I plan to not have any communication, as only time will tell, but I need to be stronger and have the right tools to deal with her. I don't think she wants to be like this but I cannot stay in this relationship for her sake. Thanks for your response as I do appreciate it :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Here are some books that were recommended to me by a therapist who knows his stuff. I think they would be beneficial to you and anyone else who has Nparents as well. I got all 3 book on Amazon for less than $20 total.

(This is also the order he suggested reading the books)

"Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents" Nina W. Brown Ed.D., L.P.C (I wasn't entirely fond of some of the things she had to say, but found it interesting, though a bit boring of a read)

"Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" Susan Forward, Ph.D (By far my favorite and I am doing the journal work in this book right now.)

"An Adult Child's Guide To What's 'Normal'" John Fiel, Ph.D & Linda Friel, M.A (I have read this is parts and think it's a great resource book in developing a healthy sense of self and healthy boundaries with not only your parents but with people in the world you encounter.)
deleted_user
deleted_user
Thank you for the book suggestions. I have been journaling as well as writting directly to my Nmom so that I can vent but address things to her. i find it liberating even if its just between me and a piece of paper. Have you cut your Nparent off before? I have but I didn't know how to set-up boundries and of course when I went back to the relationship I was reminded how I was abusive to her by not talking to her and how she is so scared of me. Made me angry and feel like crap.
Thanks again :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
No I haven't been able to cut them off before because I was stuck living with them and they made it almost impossible for me to get away (freezing my assets, manipulating me into letting them take my money, all sorts of stuff that made me very dependent on them but not wanting to be). Luckily, this June I finally found a way out. I'm living across the country from them now and am now for the first time going to start taking control of the situation by cutting them off. You cannot heal from something when you keep continually being damaged by it. I need time to heal and get my head on straight. Then I can contemplate a relationship with them.

I'm still learning the boundaries thing. I think that will take therapy to really be able to establish my boundaries. But I'm working on it ^_^
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well I am glad that you were able to get away and can now take control!
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