Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I am not one to go online and ask strangers for help, but for one of the first times in my life I have no idea what to do. I am 21 years old, and I live partially with my dad and brother, and partially near my school for college. When I am home, my father and I run into some sort of argument every couple weeks. I try not to argue back because he’s my father, but I get to a point where I cant take it anymore, I go crazy. I start screaming because its the only way he stops talking, and I feel terrible doing it afterwards. I feel like he does not listen to me at all, and when I bring it up to him, he dismisses it and doesn’t ask me why I feel this way, just the automatic “I’m right you’re wrong” attitude. He treats me as if I am 16 years old, constantly barging into my room without knocking, constantly on my case about everything. He gets angry at me very quickly over the dumbest things. If I have an appointment somewhere, he does not stop yelling at me to leave by a certain time, and if I tell him to relax or anything it just gets worse. It is almost like he’s a mosquito in my ear. When the arguments start he says things like I hate him, I don’t do anything around the house, and overall says things that paint me to being a lazy, selfish person which is far from the truth. No matter what I do, it is always 110% effort. I work very hard in school, and I have very good grades, along with a job lined up after I graduate next year, and honestly that’s the only thing my dad compliments me on. When it’s not about school it’s constant berating about anything and everything he can think of. He also tells me many times that I should leave and go back to my place at my university, and there’s points where I start to pack and leave, but then he tells me if I leave he’s cutting me off from everything, leaving me financially broken. I have relied on him for finances because I have never earned enough working to pay my phone bill, car insurance, etc. because I spend majority of my time studying for school. It’s like he’s telling me that I’m trapped and that I’m nothing without him. My mother passed away last November due to a brain tumor and it has definitely taken a toll on my emotional health. He does not ask me about how I’m feeling or how I’m doing with my moms death. He also brings up my mom when we fight because he knows that it hurts me more than anything. My parents did not have a very good relationship when they were married and only stayed together for my brother and I. I do not like yelling at my dad, nor do I think it’s respectful towards my parent, but it’s like shaking a champagne bottle, eventually I cant hold it in after I’ve been shaken up long enough. He tells me I can talk to him about anything but I’ve came to the conclusion that I can't talk to him about anything without turning into some sort of berating. Sorry for rambling, but this has been going on for a while and I am deeply hurt that I have this kind of relationship with my dad and I think more context could help. I am not looking for any condolences or sympathy, I am looking for advice on what to do because I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have tried many different ways to prevent arguments from happening (Talking calmly, walking away, using "I" statements, etc.) but my dad is just not willing to change/see it from my perspective. Im starting to feel like there is no way our relationship can be healed, and that eventually we will stop talking in general, which would destroy me. I am incredibly depressed day in and day out, and I have no one to talk to. What should I do?
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Good Thursday to you!I've been watching a really long trial on Youtube these last couple of nights and will finish tomorrowHopefully I'll be in the land of nod soon and I hope my peeps are having sweet dreams followed by a great daySending hugs...xo
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
My parents are no longer on this earth so I look back and smile at all those irritating things they use to say to me because I miss them so much.
If I were in your situation, I would move to a dorm at the school or a nearby room, or efficiency apartment, and I would continue to love my parents just the same.
God Bless
I agree with Bob that you can't change anyone.... Your father may be greatly effected by your mom's passing as well even if they didn't always get along and one of the stages of grief is anger
I also agree that it would probably benefit you to stay living in your dorm and come home for short visits rather then days at a time
I really wanted my dad to love and accept me and I suppose that he did in his way however he could really cut me down as well.... and that really didn't change however I came to recognize what was his personality and it really wasn't about me.... It was him and who he was
I think truly it's more about who he is then about you sweetie
I would try and have some healthy boundaries for yourself...
Soon you'll be making your own money and won't have to worry about the financial part of it
It sounds like he lashes out when he feels angry and that may be simply his personality.... I know that doesn't make it hurt less....
Big hug.... I know that it painful.....xo
Hello adande2023, I can understand how you are feeling right now. Its hard to take it being treated like a child and controlled by a parent. At this time if you can afford to find your own place or even stay in the dorm and come home during breaks that might help. I don’t know your father but for a man to stay in a marriage that he wasn’t happy about because of his kids means he loved you above himself and sacrificed his happiness for you so you guys can have a stable home. If your father loved, you that much then anything he is doing might have good intentions, but the approach may be wrong. Sometimes it takes you walking in his shoes to understand his perspective. If you want to continue living with him then suggest to your dad if both of you can see a family counselor or see one on your own to help restore your relationship. One thing you can learn about is Learning to live with difficult parent. In the mist of argument Stay calm. When a parent starts criticizing you it can be frightening and infuriating. Taking a strong line won’t help. Instead, prepare yourself by practicing ways of staying calm and controlled in a challenging situation. It is recommended slow, mindful breathing or meditation. These will help you take soothing breaths when you are being shouted at and help release tense feelings. If you are being brutally criticized, try silently replacing your parent’s negative comments with something more realistic and positive. Don’t retaliate. Arguing back will only make things worse. It will fuel the row, which will last longer, leave you feeling awful and it will not change anything. Instead, work out simple ways of easing the situation. Talk with a soft voice and avoid direct eye contact. If, at any stage in your life, you feel tempted to challenge your parent or seek revenge, remember that you can’t win and the chance of achieving anything positive in that moment. Nor do you want to behave like them. Let the past fade, don’t hold on to grudges, keep your distance and instead concentrate on becoming a better person yourself. Learn to accept your situation if you cannot change it as long as you are not in mental or physical danger. Make sure you look after yourself well in all this. Take it easy on yourself. I pray that the relationship with your father get restored. You both need each other without your mother. Sending hugs your way.
What chores do you do in the house, is your room kept clean, your bathroom, the kitchen? I know my young adult kids thought my house was their house while I saw it as my house. When they left the kitchen or bathroom a mess or left laundry in the washer or dryer and never came back, it grated on me. They saw living with me as themselves deserving complete independence and I saw them living with me as something that needed to be temporary for their own maturity and independence.
Not to be mean to them but to encourage them to grow up and out.
It sounds like you have learned to handle conflict in the exact same way as your dad does. Think about this please. He is not right to yell and get shitty but you are not right to scream at him either. Both of you seem to go from zero to 60 quite fast. Neither of you is right to do this and it’s a bad habit that doesn’t serve you well. We can see how badly your dad acting this way makes the conflict grow. So we have two making the conflict grow. And both of you are grieving the loss of your mom.
You work some, and study some, and it sounds like he expects you to do more in the house? Your choice is to do what he says or work more and live on your own. Pay for school on your own. Truly be independent. Kids who live on mom or dads dime do not have full agency or control over their own lives. It might irritate you but this is how the world works.
Your dad may not be capable of seeing it from your perspective but can you honestly say you can see it from his perspective? If he drinks or does drugs and gets angry at you while using, this is no win. If he is just as frustrated with you as you are with him, then listen to his side and do the reasonable things he expects. If he is not reasonable or is abusing drugs or alcohol, you are probably going to have to emancipate yourself. As long as your life and school is funded by him, you are not independent and have little say living in his house. Good luck on this.