Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Hi all. So pretty much I am an unpaid caretaker of my parents (mom 61 dad 55), full time teacher, only child, in a relationship of almost 5 years and I'm 21 years old. It's a very long story but for the past 5 years my dad has suffered from a diabetic stroke, open heart surgery *triple bypass, neuropathy, etcccc... My mom has been a functional alcoholic for the past 15 years and recently has only gotten worse with my dad's situation, is having COVID and more. Neither of my parents work anymore, my dad has not been trying for disability or anything and my mom has not been to work since November and she drinks every..single. day. My dad has been Hospice Care Jumping since November and hasn't been home.
While this is going on though I have been trying to work on myself and my journey, my relationship, personal finances, and had a HUGE promotion at work that was discussed with my parents prior to it going into effect. Now I feel like I'm being completely spread thin, I can't be 100 places at work and I can't make everyone happy. But my parents who when I was younger always told me to "live my life" "they gave me a life to live' "it doesn't matter what others think as long as I know I'm doing the right think" are now fighting over who sees me more, mom mad because I'm never home because of work or going out with friends on weekends, getting mad when I'm at my parents families house and so much more.
TONIGHT MAINLY my mom claims my partner is "controlling my actions and pulling us (me and her) apart" when in actuality, he is my peace and the one I'm trying to build my future with as corny as it sounds... But my relationship isn't nearly as toxic as half of my family history who have settled and won't come to terms with mental illness and such. Which is affecting my partner and parents relationship but vice versa his family accepts me so much .
To the point where my extended family and friends are telling me its VERBAL AND MENTAL ABUSE. I can't even put into 1 journal my experience but I just feel like when I'm good I'm great, like now..but then I spiral and hit a wall and am overwhelmed and feel guilty.... What do do?
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
Okay, let me say I am a little older than your folks and I work with parents who have adult children or other family members estrange from them. I am coming from a different place than people your age do in saying just dump the toxic people out of your lives. I do think some distance that you set with mom and dad would give you the time and space to work on you. I believe this is the time for you to work on your own coping skills, ability to say no, and dropping the guilt thinking. Your job is to learn to set boundaries and stop feeling the guilt. This means you have to carve out time in your week to work on yourself and gain healing and wisdom. Set boundaries in your own head about not answering mom's calls, putting her number on block or mute, or giving her 5-10 minutes by timer to talk to her twice a week. The boundaries are when we decide how we will make changes within ourselves. We do not set boundaries to make others change.
You feel guilt because your parents are both dysfunctional and use you in certain ways to prop up their dysfunction. Alcoholics are an entity to themselves, they tend to be manipulative and self centered as the nature of the disease. When you stop enabling them, your family members will scream bloody murder because they want the family back in homeostasis. Others will want you to keep propping up mom and dad because then they don't have to. It is their dysfunction and you can either join their dysfunction or you can work on you to get out of it and live a healthier life than them. I believe we have to make a decision to no longer participate or to set boundaries we will do with these difficult people that we love. We can still love difficult or dysfunctional people without getting enmeshed or feeling the guilt or trying to change them. A book that will really help you if you do the exercises and think about yourself and make changes is The New Codependency by Beattie. Our codependence makes us both angry and needing approval from the difficult people in our lives. I am going to give you the link to the codependency group on here. Lot of good support there.
The reason to learn these skills is that there are always difficult and dysfunctional people in our lives. It can be the neighbor next door or the boss or your spouse's relatives. Until we figure out what we need in our own lives to change and become stronger and happier, to learn to change within ourselves, then we keep attracting people like this.
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/codependency
It is true we can't make everyone happy. That is an impossible goal. If you can realize that, then let yourself off the hook. I've got 2 great quotes that I read often to help myself.
"I think something people need to understand is that others disliking you is not a bad thing. When you are embodying your true authentic self, it creates fear in people who still operate from the ego. If you want to grow, heal, and evolve you have to let go of wanting to be liked." -- Audrey Kitching (Part of codependence is needing others to like us or validate us, thinking we can change others because that props up our ego and allows us to focus on them instead of strengthening ourselves which is hard.)
"Detachment is not the absence of love but the ability to take care of yourself in the midst of someone else's choices." - unknown
Consider reading these quotes twice a day and thinking about them. Al Alon talks about detaching with love from the alcoholic and their behaviors, problems. We love them but we no longer participate or enable their dysfunction by changing how we act, think, react, do. We change how we think about ourselves and no longer operate from the ego. This is often our life lessons.
Your Mom has a choice to pick up a drink or get sober....she married your father for 'better/worse/sickness health.....You Are Not Responsible For Them. What to do, get yourself to an alanon meeting to gain support, and learn how to create boundaries as you detach with love.
Detach from the behaviors, the drama, conflict etc, while still love the person. https://al-anon.org/ as well as codependent behavior on your part....it's trying to 'fix' when the problem is not yours to fix.
If your father is not at home and being cared for then that is lifted from your shoulders.
If your Mother needs help, she needs to get to the place where she Accepts and Gets the help for herself to stop drinking or continue and loose a relationship with you....Her Choice
Choice is a huge factor in life, I love this woman, her books etc. and have followed her for years https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KysuBl2m_w
I'm 68 now, after many years of hard work on my part I have come to believe that my parents could not give what they didn't know or have the ability to give. They were both sick people who were doing the best they could...humanness, faults success whatever and their own childhoods all wrapped up to make them who they are....just as you are you, through your life experiences sucess/failures etc.
If your Mom is actively drinking you will not get through to her...if you have aunt/uncle/Mom friend?/Church?/ to help support you.
You might want to try out alanon, ACOA(adult children of alcoholics) or get into therapy. There are many groups here on ds, codependent and masses of info online.
Bottom line: You Are Not Responsible For Your Mom or Dad. You Are Responsible To Live The Best Life You Can For Yourself First, Fill Up Your Cup of Energy For Your Life before you start giving away and letting it just be expended on empty words/actions until your Mom chooses Life.
For your Mom, I'd suggest you tell her she needs to get a physical and get into therapy to help her cope with her alcolism, and her husbands health. The state you live in look up Social Services for help....if there is no income there is a lot of help....it's just a pain in the ass to get things set up.....Look under "Elder Care" first. You can also try Infoline, I live in CT....look up for your state. https://www.bing.com/search?q=infoline+211&cvid=328f5def3ff7413c9aa541e67b6d72ed&aqs=edge.1.0l9.5722j0j1&pglt=427&FORM=ANNTA1&DAF1=1&PC=HCTS
I can write til the cows come home 'don't feel guilty' .... empty words as you will feel the way you feel....Watch Your Thinking.....You Did Not Cause, You Can't Control, and You Can't Cure your Mom/Dad's problems.
Huge Hugs to you! Live Your Life!!!
I'm glad that your dad has a place that is caring for him
I absolutely agree with what others have written... I would get involved with Alanon and detached from your mother
She is the only one who can help herself to recover ... You can't do this for her and if you're giving her money and taking care of her you are helping to enable the alcoholism
You deserve to have your life and thrive in it..... My dad was an alcoholic and he went to treatment and got sober.... Your mom can do it if she chooses to as well.... xo