I grew up in a toxic home, as I’m sure most of us here have. My father was a meth addict all my life and long before. My mother was a depressed enabler with undiagnosed mental disorders. They were always at each other throats. My home was violent and abusive. Belts, fishing rods, hands were used to beat us out of uncontrollable anger when we messed up. My brother got the worst of it mentally and physically from my father. I was still physically abused by my father, but my mother did the emotional damage to me. 

My father was very much absent as a parent as I’m sure most 80’s fathers were. He worked full time and when he was home he was in his closet of a room “bronco room” doing meth. It was always a panic to see him cause you knew something was going down to make him come out of that room and there would be hell to pay. My mother slept most my life and had no routine or care for what we did really. She had come from a traumatic childhood herself and my grandma was just as neglectful as she. Parents met when she was 13 and he 15. My mother’s family was an extremely poor Jewish family and my dad was a rich Italian kid. I whole heartedly believe my mom married him for his families money which to her dismay he never really received because he was a drug addict at age 17 and his parents cut him off. By then she had already had my brother and unhappily the stuck it out. My mother always treat me as a friend and never really taught me much about being a woman or gave me any motherly advice or helped me weather the storms of my childhood or teenage years. I believe now looking back she was jealous of me and always secretly pushed me towards the wrong things in life. Our relationship was so toxic. She would tell me all her problems and complaints regarding my father. She would get me to agree with her and wanted me to hate my father...which I already did. 

Fast forward to my teen years...at around 14 when chat rooms came around (a/s/l?) she quickly started an affair with a stranger online and of course told me all about it. She would show me their correspondence and giggle like a teen. Pushing me to condone her behavior and cheer for her. I did of course cause this is all I knew. It was the only way to get any attention from her and to get her love. She ended up taking myself, my best friend at the time, and herself to New Mexico to meet this guy under the lie of a “girls trip” to my father. Who was still a heavy meth user at the time. She bribed me by letting me and my friend smoke pot the whole way there and that it would be fun. This story gets rough...

she ends up in shithole town at a motel 8 and dude shows up looking like a homeless guy. Foot long beard, greasy looking weirdo and she’s like...”here’s two bottles of alcohol, $100, and my car...I’ll be back” and leaves my 14-15 year old self for 3 days. Back then we didn’t have cell phones and I had no idea what happened to her or if she was coming back. I my took much convincing to talk my friend down from calling her mom panicked because of course I didn’t want my mom to get in trouble. Of course me and my friend cause trouble. We looked up some older guys online selling pot and we almost got ourselves raped and killed long story short. At check out time good ol mom never showed up and we waited in the 120 summer heat in her car until she finally showed up non challantly like “hey girls ready to go?” This was my mom in a nutshell. My dad ended up snooping on the pc and found out her plans and she left him for about a year and a half. During that time she got a small 1 bedroom apartment and a job night stocking shelves at Walmart. She took me with her when she moved out. Met a guy she worked with and started dating him. She didn’t give a shit what I did or where I went and was like a roommate. Always encouraging me to go out...even on a school night cause her alcoholic bf would crash at her house and I couldn’t be there when he was. I couldn’t go to my dads cause he was in the thick of his addiction pining over my mother. When I did need money I knew I could show up at his house and listen to him for hours meth ramble about my mom and answer vaguely questions about her and at the end when his high wore off and he was pheening he would offer me money to get out. “Hey your young and wanna have fun...here’s $50 go out with your friends” on a Tuesday. Thanks see ya old man. Of course i fell in with the wrong crowd. Who else could have the freedom as I did? To go and come as I pleased. First time I tried a hard drug I rang my mom and asked her what she thought. Obviously I was scared and looking for guidance. Her answer, “oh well don’t hurt yourself, I’m busy gotta go!” And that was that. I got into some drugs...mainly coke with my best friend for about a year and a half. Accrued so many absences at school that I had to quit my senior year due to not being able to graduate. I lived off my older friends couches and partied hard. I would sometimes sleep at my moms and sometimes break into my old room at my dads to sleep when I had nowhere to go. Sometimes my friends parents would let me stay. I slept in my car at my school for a couple months and my parents never blinked an eye. I spiraled out pretty bad. My older brother at 17 started doing meth with my dad and two uncles and to this day is a junkie. It’s sad we have no relationship. 

Well at 18 I met my husband at a job I had gotten with my cousin. I was still dabbling in drugs and very self destructive. I had no self esteem, no family, and I didn’t love myself at all. He was amazing right of the bat. He was the first person to ever love me and truly care about me. He realized I was on some heavy drugs and we broke up for a year after dating for about a year. I don’t blame him looking back. I was a mess. Well he ended up contacting me after a year and I had cleaned up. Drug free and went back to school and got my diploma. Dad ended up having a heart attack from the meth and cleaned up too. Parents got back together and acted as if nothing had ever happened. Still the same people just in denial now of who they were and are. I was sleeping in my car and my husband (bf at the time) found out and took me to his mothers to stay. He was renting a room at his friends house and couldn’t have me there cause his friends gf was pregnant and wouldn’t allow another person in the house. So we both moved in with his mom and got married a year later. His mother is wonderful and we are close to this day. During my twenties I struggled with my relationship with my parents. My mom was still toxic and trying to control me and was trying to sabatoage my relationship and my father was still very much an addict with his personality. Mean, bitter, and aggressive. 

Fast forward into my thirties and I end up cutting my mom out of my life. Well I should say I set boundaries with her and she would t accept them and sh ethroygh her typical tantrum pulling her love away and I let her this time. I had had enough. I had become a early childhood development psych major and realized how dysfunctional my family and childhood was and I could no longer allow the abuse or toxicity affect my husband and I. Unfortunately my brother is in his 40’s has lost all 3 of his kids to CPS and is a suffering addict. My mother and I haven’t talked in 4+ years and she is kinda the control of my small family so I lost my grandma and my dad stopped communicating with me as well. For years he would say “she will never say she is sorry. If you don’t fix this it will never get fixed. You know your mother” eventually we didn’t talk either. I have come to peace that I will never have a relationship with my mother again. I know I am better off without it. Within the last year my dad had been emailing me. My parents are going through a divorce and he wants to now talk to me. 

Here is my dilemma. All he wants from me is to listen to his drama about my mom. He doesn’t give a shit about me and he never asks how me or my family is. It’s here’s all my problems, feel sorry for me, and goodbye. I am struggling with cutting him off. He says he wants to change and be a better person and he’s sorry for the past, but he never takes ownership of who he is or what his impact was on us children. He bashes my brother as an addict and puts him down any chance he gets. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not defending my brother he is a terrible person, but my dad doesn’t get to judge him. He calls me all the time and I find myself not answering. 

Would you continue to have him in your life just to have 1 parent or would you just cut him off as well?