Family Issues Support Group

Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.

4,813 Members

5,774 Posts

2 Online

sdwill 09/02/2010

I want honest advise. I don't want someone to just agree with me. I will describe my situation briefly. I remarried in December after being divorced 20 yrs. I have three kids 22, 17, and 7 and he has two sons 17 & 22. His 22 yr old and my 7 yr old live with us. My 17 yr old lives with my sister because he didn't want to change schools when I moved. My 22 yr old has one 3 yr old daughter and a baby on the way. My problem is that I can see the evil in my husband's face every time my two oldest come around. I rarely see either of them. My son's father disappeared 7 yrs ago and my oldest don't have a father to speak of either. To make it short, I'm all they have. But when they come over, which is rare, my husband doesn't even speak to them. Though I go out of my way to be nice to his kids. We had a huge fight this morning on the way to work because I have been sick and my oldest came to spend the night last night because she was worried about me. He didn't speak to her when we got home from work and this morning, the first question he asked was "how long is she planning to stay?" I let him have it with all I had because I've had enough, I won't abandon my kids for him. He says he loves me but how can u love someone and have no heart for her kids?

joleneLS 09/02/2010

How do your kids treat him? They could ooze a hostility that you don't see...because you are their loved mother, and he is the man who moved in and took her away.

My father passed away when I was 7...so 17 years ago. My mother has not remarried but try as I might, when she dates, no matter how nice the man, I find myself being cold to him. And in time he returns the feelings.

Also, they are grown kids. It's easier to win over a young kid. And to feel more comfortable around a kid that hasn't had time to learn what bitterness and hate are. He may feel awkward, uncomfortable, even scared when they are around.

My mum was with a man for four years, and when they split he told me that he was scared of me, had been the whole time. And I was nothing but respectful and nice. He told me he could just tell I didn't like him, which I didn't, but for my mother's sake I was civil the whole time.

You don't have to abandon your kids. But maybe take your kids and talk to them, then take your husband and talk to him, then take them all together and get them to talk it out with each other.

Good luck!

deleted_user 09/02/2010

Maybe he just doesn't know how to make the connection with them. They are older and it may be harder to get to know them since they rarely come around. But I do think he was somewhat off when he asked how long is she staying. To me I probably would have understood that as she is interferring or is in the way. He may be having trouble adapting to the whole new situation with your children, his children, etc. Maybe it's time for a heart to heart chat about the whole situation and find out his expectations and you should probably share yours too.

deleted_user 09/02/2010

I am sorry your husband acts so childish. This is just my opinion. I would guess there is no obvious reason you can put your finger on why he behaves this way. This is my opinion only and I have been through it. Love me, love my kids. If not get out. He does not deserve you for a wife and you surely don't deserve that kind of treatment from him and neither does your kids. God bless you and good luck.

Haley654 09/03/2010

You are in a tough situation, but you should sit down and calmly ask him why he doesn't want your children around and that it hurts you. You can never let your children go. I would think he is jealous and resentful of your previous 'lives' and they are a reminder. This is a tough situation but you must straighten this out regardless of the consequences.

YourModerator 09/03/2010

I agree with what the others say that this is childish and may be jealousy. You need to talk openly about this situation. Keep your anger silent but prod him to tell you what the problem is with your children seeing their mother. Loud voices and anger won't cut it with this problem. You are their mother and stand up and make this right.

mamie1890 09/03/2010

I agree with the others about being loyal to your children. Was he like this toward your children before you got married? Did you ever discuss the issues of your children in regards to the marriage. I don't know, but for me it's a packaged deal. Sounds like your kids need and love you. I think you should start by letting him know how you feel and maybe consider some marriage counseling. It's not always a silver bullet but at least there is a neutral party who can try to get to the core issues and try to resolve things. Good luck.

deleted_user 09/03/2010

All I can add is that if you "see the evil in his face" when your kids come to visit, imagine what they see in his face.

Hugs.

deleted_user 09/04/2010

Marriage is accepting your spouse and the things that their life brought to them prior to you meeting. Do not let your husband control what you think is right. You are a strong woman and should not have to choose between your husband (the love of your life) and your children. In my opinion, a spouse who loves you would not ask that of you.

sdwill 09/06/2010

My kids are very kind to everyone. They would never disrespect him. It is my husband completely. It just goes on and on. My husband and his two boys have a very bad addiction to porn so a few months after we married I finally decided to confront the issue and blocked the computer and tv. My husband gets very angry with me but in my opinion if he is going to act like he wants to be such a good christian man then these things need to stop. I don't deserve to be disrespected. His dad is a preacher and we go to church every Sunday and he trys to act like he wants to do right, but then wants to do these things at home. There are just so many negative things in our relationship. I have tried so hard to deal with it all, the way he is with my kids, the porn addiction, the temper tantrums, etc. I just don't know how or if I can deal with it anymore.

deleted_user 09/06/2010

The others all have given good advice if you want to save your marriage. My jaded opinion is that you should cut your losses and get out of this relationship fast. He and his son have a porn addiction and you have a 7-year-old being exposed. My first priority would be to get the young one away from that stuff. He knew you had children when he married you and if he couldn't accept them, he had no business getting married. My honest opinion is that you don't need to waste time and energy on him any more than you have. It's not worth it. Sorry if this seems harsh and negative. Good luck whatever you decide.g

deleted_user 09/07/2010

I know that you mentioned that he acts this way towards your adult children, but how does he treat your younger child? Either way he is being extremely childish and is being with a man who is clearly causing you stress really worth ostracizing your adult children? I mean from your posts you can tell that you are already frustrated with your marriage. Who wouldn't be. Especially since your child in their 20's can't spend the night but his 22 year old can live off the two of you. Counseling may be worth a try since you thought he was worth marrying to begin with, but if that doesn't help to resolve his issues and the problems in your marriage be ready to get out.

deleted_user 09/10/2010

YOU DONT YOUR KIDS COMES BEFOR ANYBODY AS LONG AS THEY HAVE NEVER DISRESPECT YOUR HUSBAND TO MAKE HIM AT LIKE THAT I FEEL MEN AND WOMAN COMES AND GO BUT OUR KIDS IS ALL WE HAVE THEY MY NOT DO RIGHT ALL THE TIME BUT THEY ARE OURS

deleted_user 09/10/2010

Dear sdwill,
Did you ever hear the expression, "Listen to the whispers, rather than wait for that loud scream"? You're beginning to hear those screams..not good.

You say you want honest advise? You don't need any. You've answered your own questions, yet you need affirmation, so here goes: GET OUT NOW, or GET HIM OUT NOW!! You & especially your children don't need this. It will harm them and MAY change their opinion of YOU..not for the better. Living with guilt, when YOUR children are involved, is torture.

You mentioned an "evil look"! PLEASE trust your intuitive instincts & forget the psycobabble, excuses, etc. Get rid of him & his kids. You have a better future waiting for you. Trust me.

Be strong, rely on what you already know and you will ultimately be so proud of yourself, as will your children.

All the best...you CAN do this!

deleted_user 09/12/2010

I would not allow this situation my children had to be told the new man in my life was someone I loved and was in love with they didnt need feel same had show respect . told my Husband if they upset him aproach it say way you spoke me was wrong insist each respected one another . must feel awful not being able see your own children freelu

Join the Conversation