Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I'm so overwhelmed with my mother lately.
She has severe arthritis in her hands and could no longer work as the chef she trained as. So she went back to school.
She lives in a duplex with rent that is $900, she has a $400 per month storage bill, $350 to a loan place, $200 utility bill, groceries, gas, insurance, pet food. And she makes only $1000 per month.
My neice messaged me late tonight to tell me that my mom was talking about killing herself and she didn't think she was joking. I told her to call the police. My mom owes $2400 by tomorrow or she will most likely find herself homeless.
She refuses to give up the storage. Everytime she get's caught up on that bill she never get's into the unit to take the important things out and let the rest go. If she is behind they don't allow her access. The loan, well, that's not going anywhere. If she got rid of her dogs, fish and rabbit then she could afford to live somewhere waaaay cheaper. And I get that the pets are important. But are they worth being homeless?
I am always the one who people want to fix everything! I'm so exhausted. I can't fix this. I don't know how. If she would get rid of her dogs and most of the stuff in her house I'm sure she could stay with us for a bit rent free. But we have two dogs already, we are not taking on her two more. Plus her rabbit, and her huge fish tank.
If she would get caught up on her locker then go through it, then she could let them take it. I get that there is a lot to go to the dump to get to the stuff that's important, but you know what? I can pay for some of the dumping, I'm sure my brother would pay for some and my little sister too. She knows this.
I know she is depressed but she refuses to see anyone. There is help but she refuses to do anything she doesn't want too. I feel bad for her and I'm angry. I know she gave up her life to raise her kids when our father died young. But now it's like she has to keep 100% control at all times. I feel like I'm running my face in to a brick wall and I'm scared she is going to do something stupid.
I'm trying to get a massage booked for her Saturday, not sure if I will be able to get her in, and then after I'm hoping to take her for coffee and have a good heart to heart with her to tell her she is loved and that she just needs to let go of the reins a little.
I'm just so bloody overwhelmed....sigh
She has severe arthritis in her hands and could no longer work as the chef she trained as. So she went back to school.
She lives in a duplex with rent that is $900, she has a $400 per month storage bill, $350 to a loan place, $200 utility bill, groceries, gas, insurance, pet food. And she makes only $1000 per month.
My neice messaged me late tonight to tell me that my mom was talking about killing herself and she didn't think she was joking. I told her to call the police. My mom owes $2400 by tomorrow or she will most likely find herself homeless.
She refuses to give up the storage. Everytime she get's caught up on that bill she never get's into the unit to take the important things out and let the rest go. If she is behind they don't allow her access. The loan, well, that's not going anywhere. If she got rid of her dogs, fish and rabbit then she could afford to live somewhere waaaay cheaper. And I get that the pets are important. But are they worth being homeless?
I am always the one who people want to fix everything! I'm so exhausted. I can't fix this. I don't know how. If she would get rid of her dogs and most of the stuff in her house I'm sure she could stay with us for a bit rent free. But we have two dogs already, we are not taking on her two more. Plus her rabbit, and her huge fish tank.
If she would get caught up on her locker then go through it, then she could let them take it. I get that there is a lot to go to the dump to get to the stuff that's important, but you know what? I can pay for some of the dumping, I'm sure my brother would pay for some and my little sister too. She knows this.
I know she is depressed but she refuses to see anyone. There is help but she refuses to do anything she doesn't want too. I feel bad for her and I'm angry. I know she gave up her life to raise her kids when our father died young. But now it's like she has to keep 100% control at all times. I feel like I'm running my face in to a brick wall and I'm scared she is going to do something stupid.
I'm trying to get a massage booked for her Saturday, not sure if I will be able to get her in, and then after I'm hoping to take her for coffee and have a good heart to heart with her to tell her she is loved and that she just needs to let go of the reins a little.
I'm just so bloody overwhelmed....sigh
If she only has a monthly income of $900 and her expenses are doubling that she should know better and work at fixing the issue on her own. $400 a month on a storage unit is a ridiculous amount of money!
She goes to school five days a week and works six. School is out for the summer so she is looking at picking up a third job. She won't let go of the unit as her mothers china and other valuables are in there. Which is why I want her to get caught up, rally her family, clean it out until we have all the valuable stuff, then just let it go. But she has nowhere to store all the valuable things.
She does try to stay above water. Everytime she has extra money it goes on bills, never to something frivolous.
It's always been up to me to pick up the bits of my family. For as long as I can remember. My mom didn't come to me....but my niece, sister, one of my moms friends and my brother all did.
It would appear she needs to get into cheaper housing too.
She would never sell her moms china, I wouldn't expect her too. Her mom passed when she was young and her step father torched all of her belongings. Those dishes, a wedding dress and one photo are all my mum has from her own mother. And after her mother died she was immersed in a violent, alcoholic world that her step father happily created.
But that's all moot, as the china is in the storage unit and she can't go into the unit until her bill is all caught up.
Maybe a different apartment with lower rent where she can have her animals. Or maybe take in a boarder if she has an extra room.
Sounds like mom has no problem working. But is there a way for her to make more money? $1000 a month is very little for someone who works 6 days a week. That is about $40 a day. I'm sure with school it is a struggle. Just seems like she should be making more than that. She could also supplement her income with something like babysitting or pet sitting that might fit into her week.
One big expense is that storage unit. The problem is as much as you want to help you are also trying to take over mom's life. You need to find a non-threatening way to help her. If she took the things she really wanted and stored them in her apartment she could then sell or dump the rest and save a big bill each month. Are there items in the unit that could be sold to help pay the bill? Maybe offer mom a deal where you and your siblings pay off the unit on the condition you all clear it out before the end of the rental month. Let mom decide what to do with each item but you guys be there to do the moving and removing. Seperate the items that can be sold and send those to one person's home. Even if you had to rent a uhaul truck for a day it would be worth it to get it done.
Your mom sounds like a strong woman. Remember to honor that while trying to help. Too often kids feel they are smarter or saner than their parents and treat them like little children. Treat mom the way you would want to be treated by your kids.
She has nothing much to sell in the unit, most of it is trash now. It's been in the unit for 7 years. The couches will have mice, some of the wood may be rotted due to moisture. All the bedding and clothing will of been gotten at by mice. Where I live there are no pet friendly apartments, there are very few pet friendly houses.
She was only working three hours a day previously, now that school is out though I think on place is giving her six hour shifts and the other will be eight. So she should be able to catch up, its just being able to hold on that long first.
Seriously--she has A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF IN STORAGE and far more than just those few things from her mother. And if she will be evicted and can't pay her bills, and even owes $2,400 too including the storage bill, then how can she afford to keep the storage?
Sorry, but if she won't get real, she will end up losing all of that stuff because the person that locked her out of the storage will eventually be able to claim those items in the storage as his and put the stuff up for sale after a certain period of time. And that's when she loses all of it.
What's the point of storing that stuff? 400.00 a month for 7 years is *33* thousand dollars.
Reality check, anyone???
Your mom is facing a hard lesson in life that she doesn't want to face, but has to. She refused to clean up the storage so many times before and it has come to this. You can't take this on yourself because it will overwhelm you. It may take losing all this stuff in storage for her to realize that she can't hold onto everything. Some lessons are hard, but valuable.
Then it will require you talking to some no kill shelters involving the pets and taking them. It is hard to get animals adopted if pets are afraid of people or bite and they may not be taken by a shelter.
If it turns out any have medical problems and your mom hasn't gotten them treated, she could face animal cruelty charges and again, she can't withhold treatment because she can't afford it and she goes to the County Animal Shelter or Animal Humane or other places and often have to surrender the animal to get them treatment. It's hard, but the animal is the priority. Right now, she can't afford to give them proper care if they get sick anyway. Animals will be a luxury for her.
I just had to help my one cat pass recently and his medical put me into debt. I'm not working and on disability and I'm pushing to the limit to get that debt paid off. I have one cat now and when that cat passes, I won't be getting any more animals because their care is expensive and I realize that.
If you have to contact a social worker for your city/town to see if they can also talk to your mom.
Her pets are healthy enough. The only way she can be charged would be if they were in pain. Plus, we don't have a no kill shelter that takes young animals. The only one we have specializes in old dogs.
I set her up a half hour massage on Saturday, and then I plan on having a talk with her. My brother and sister will be out of town, and my younger sister doesn't want to be part of the talk....so to hell with them....I'll do it. I'm used to someone in my family mad at me at one time or another for being the only person who says what has to be said.
I can't do anything with mental health in my city, I know this from before with my older sister. She has to attempt something or call herself. They won't do anything otherwise as it would be infringing on her rights.
Be gentle and careful in how you talk to your mom. This is still her life and her choices. You could try to gently and clearly point out the problems and then offer the help that you are prepared to offer. Mom has to be the one making her own decisions. This is not your problem and it is not your problem to fix.
What, exactly, is your goal?
My goal in my life with my mother is to do what I can to make sure she isn't homeless.
I already said I think she should get rid of the animals, the storage locker, get a cheaper house etc.