I am new here. I've joined just to vent this,out because I am too ashamed to talk to anyone I know. I am sad. I am angry, and I don't enjoy my life anymore. 

This pretty constant state of unhappiness began when I discovered that my husband of 12 years was having inappropriate sexual messages with a woman online. Which led me,to dig further and discover years of pornography use, and a drinking problem that he flat out denies is a problem. We are still together. As far as,I know the messaging and porn use has stopped but only because I heavily monitor his phone, email, etc. How can I ever know that he loves me or would stop of his,own accord? I cant. But the drinking....he hides bottles and sips them throughout the evening on work days and all day on non work days. A pint a day that I'm aware of. He then falls asleep randomly and denies that he fell asleep. He forgets things. He slurs and still denies it when I point it out. Our life is stressful enough as it is. 

We have children of our own and are raising his family members children as well because she lost them due to a drug addiction. When he's angry with me he says things like...i only wanted two kids not five...and he calls me lazy and tells me there is a line of women that would kill for my life. I would leave him if we didn't have these children. I love him but I feel lonely like he can never fully love me. It wrecked my self esteem when he did those things while I was pregnant. Now I have to wear makeup every day to feel pretty when I used to love my face bare. I stress over picking sexy clothes every day and although I have never been really overweight I lost a lot of weight but now I stress because my butt is flat and I know he likes a big perky butt. I've birthed children so I feel so ugly with loose stretched skin and sagging breasts. I know I'll only get older and less attractive and that thought almost makes me feel sick on a daily basis.  I'm constantly wondering who else he prefers to me and if I'm not attractive enough now how could I ever be when I'm older? Is it really too much to ask for a man to keep his eyes and heart on one woman? Why am I not enough? If you read this, thanks for listening. I would literally disappear from my life if I wasn't responsible for my children. Like move to another country...because I feel like I have no one here.