Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
So this is kind of complicated but I'll try and keep it short.
My mom and dad separated a little over a year ago. Neither one of them wants or can afford the house, so its been in foreclosure. My dad, my boyfriend and I were staying in the house until the deed in lieu is complete. The bank has told us that they will give 90 days notice for when we have to move out, which is plenty of time, so thats not my worry.
The house had no heat for over a year in a cold northern winter, and at some point I think my dad got his own place and left my boyfriend and I to freeze pretty much. He continued to come and go as he pleased, which didn't bother me, its his house and he stilled paid utilities. It only bothered me because he trashed the kitchen every time he came over, and my boyfriend and I don't cook. Eventually it got so bad I had to clean it myself because their was grease on everything and bugs. He stayed with us during the summer.
This winter, my dad asked me to take over utilities as he had his own place and in his own words "would no longer be staying here." Which I did. Now, a month or later, my boyfriend's father paid to have the furnace fixed since we would be in house for the next few months at least. Even after telling me he would no longer be staying here, and myself taking over utilities, he continues to come and go as he pleases, and its starting to cause some serious issues.
1) his coming in has scared myself, my boyfriend, and my dogs on multiple occasions. We live in a bad neighborhood and I'm always nervous about break-ins. One time the front door was locked and he came around the back, which was even scarier! We have talked to him about this a few times, he'll be good at first about it, letting us know days/times he thinks he'll be coming over early (like telling us sunday he will be over monday and thursday), to texting or leaving a note about when he's coming next, to texting he'll be over later in the day, to texting that hes coming over right then, to not letting me know at all.
2) He trashes the house. He leaves garbage everywhere, trashes the kitchen/bathroom...the list goes on. He NEVER cleans up after himself, even going so far as "giving" my boyfriend or myself food so he can leave it out. (ex. "hey guys theirs chicken wings in the crock-pot" "thanks dad, but we're going to a friends for dinner tonight" *leaves chicken in crock-pot, with crock-pot off and chicken out*) When he does the dishes, he just rinses them, causing them to be disgusting. If he's doing laundry, he will take out whatever my boyfriend and I are washing, put it in a garbage bag and just leave it somewhere for us to find. He's done this with still wet clothes!
3) he comes over sometimes for 5 mins and sometimes for hours. For some reason I find it very unnerving to not see him for days only to come home from work to find the door unlocked and seeing him sitting on the couch watching TV, where he will stay for 6 hours then leave again.
4) This is the big one/summary - even though I took over utilities, he still uses the house as if he pays everything. Cooks, does his laundry, walks in whenever he feels like it, etc. I know part of the reason why is he doesn't like his own place - he prefers to cook and do laundry at the house...but to me that doesn't excuse the behavior. He could come over weekly at a mutually agreed upon time to do his laundry, he could let us know what nights or mornings he wants to come over to cook, he could clean up after himself!
I know its still technically "his" house, but at this point, its my home. I pay the utilities, which is the only bills that are important now, I do all the cleaning and maintenance, and I feel I deserve a little more respect/credit here. We can't leave our cats loose out of fear he will accidentally let them out when he randomly stops by (something he's done before) we can't even let our dogs loose in the house because he leaves food and garbage everywhere.
I want to have another talk with my dad about these things, and I want to do it respectfully, before my boyfriend or myself loose our cool with him (and we are close), but I'm not sure how to bring it up or what, exactly, to say. Any thoughts?
Sorry this turned out to be so long, thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you!
My mom and dad separated a little over a year ago. Neither one of them wants or can afford the house, so its been in foreclosure. My dad, my boyfriend and I were staying in the house until the deed in lieu is complete. The bank has told us that they will give 90 days notice for when we have to move out, which is plenty of time, so thats not my worry.
The house had no heat for over a year in a cold northern winter, and at some point I think my dad got his own place and left my boyfriend and I to freeze pretty much. He continued to come and go as he pleased, which didn't bother me, its his house and he stilled paid utilities. It only bothered me because he trashed the kitchen every time he came over, and my boyfriend and I don't cook. Eventually it got so bad I had to clean it myself because their was grease on everything and bugs. He stayed with us during the summer.
This winter, my dad asked me to take over utilities as he had his own place and in his own words "would no longer be staying here." Which I did. Now, a month or later, my boyfriend's father paid to have the furnace fixed since we would be in house for the next few months at least. Even after telling me he would no longer be staying here, and myself taking over utilities, he continues to come and go as he pleases, and its starting to cause some serious issues.
1) his coming in has scared myself, my boyfriend, and my dogs on multiple occasions. We live in a bad neighborhood and I'm always nervous about break-ins. One time the front door was locked and he came around the back, which was even scarier! We have talked to him about this a few times, he'll be good at first about it, letting us know days/times he thinks he'll be coming over early (like telling us sunday he will be over monday and thursday), to texting or leaving a note about when he's coming next, to texting he'll be over later in the day, to texting that hes coming over right then, to not letting me know at all.
2) He trashes the house. He leaves garbage everywhere, trashes the kitchen/bathroom...the list goes on. He NEVER cleans up after himself, even going so far as "giving" my boyfriend or myself food so he can leave it out. (ex. "hey guys theirs chicken wings in the crock-pot" "thanks dad, but we're going to a friends for dinner tonight" *leaves chicken in crock-pot, with crock-pot off and chicken out*) When he does the dishes, he just rinses them, causing them to be disgusting. If he's doing laundry, he will take out whatever my boyfriend and I are washing, put it in a garbage bag and just leave it somewhere for us to find. He's done this with still wet clothes!
3) he comes over sometimes for 5 mins and sometimes for hours. For some reason I find it very unnerving to not see him for days only to come home from work to find the door unlocked and seeing him sitting on the couch watching TV, where he will stay for 6 hours then leave again.
4) This is the big one/summary - even though I took over utilities, he still uses the house as if he pays everything. Cooks, does his laundry, walks in whenever he feels like it, etc. I know part of the reason why is he doesn't like his own place - he prefers to cook and do laundry at the house...but to me that doesn't excuse the behavior. He could come over weekly at a mutually agreed upon time to do his laundry, he could let us know what nights or mornings he wants to come over to cook, he could clean up after himself!
I know its still technically "his" house, but at this point, its my home. I pay the utilities, which is the only bills that are important now, I do all the cleaning and maintenance, and I feel I deserve a little more respect/credit here. We can't leave our cats loose out of fear he will accidentally let them out when he randomly stops by (something he's done before) we can't even let our dogs loose in the house because he leaves food and garbage everywhere.
I want to have another talk with my dad about these things, and I want to do it respectfully, before my boyfriend or myself loose our cool with him (and we are close), but I'm not sure how to bring it up or what, exactly, to say. Any thoughts?
Sorry this turned out to be so long, thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you!
-
Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
-
Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
At 25 and with a live-in boyfriend, you should be able to carry your own weight.
If your father's way of handling providing a place to live is not meeting your expectations, then you need to move out.
The talk you need to have with him is that you plan to find a place of your own.
I would look to move on, get your own place and leave the home in your father's hands.
Once you and your boyfriend are in your own place, their won't be an issue of him coming over and messing up your new place.
I think that you're taking advantage of the free place to stay, just as your father is taking advantage of the fact that you're paying utilities there and that he's still the owner (in name only).
And well, I actually get it. It's probably not in the bank's interest to make you leave as a vacant house is even more likely to be damaged.
With both cats and dogs it may not be easy to find a place to rent to you, while at the same time, having a dog is about the best protection that you can get.
As for advice... You can try talking to your father. From what you've written he seems like he's not the sort of person that you'll get anywhere with.
So I think that if you want to keep living there, you'll just have to put up with him.
It's uncomfortable for a reason. You gotta take cahrge of your own future. Right now, you don't know where you are going to live once the bank makes you leave.Your father knows where he's going to live. Please plan...Life is about to get really se4rious for you. What if you and boyfriend split up? He goes back to his family. What about you. i hope you're earning a stady reliable paycheck.
And he must be going through a very difficult time if his marriage has recently broken up as well as losing his home
I would not discuss this with him and agree that it's time for you and your boyfriend to move into your own home where you won't have these problems....x