Family Issues Support Group

Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.

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How can you be there for a needy parent?

Southern88
Southern88

My mother is struggling right now, and although I'm trying, I'm having problems. She does things that make me want to limit contact with her, which she doesn't recognize, and when I'm distant from trying to keep a boundary, she becomes demanding about having a closer relationship with her (she's being clingy with me because she's alienated other people in her life).


Her wanting a close bond with her child is not the problem --- the problem seems to be that because she doesn't see much issue with her behavior, she seems to assume I'm the origin of the problem... and has no problem with occasionally trying to guilt trip me into being closer to her. 


We were out at a restaurant recently and she got passive aggressive about me not wanting to invite her over for dinner all the time, for example. That she was guilt tripping me for not hanging out with her while I was hanging out with her instantly drove me up the wall. I tried gently pushing back against her doing this, but like previous times, she was unfazed.


Not taking her problems on as my own is something I've tried working on, so I realize for the sake of my own wellbeing I have to keep boundaries up, but I do want to have some sort of relationship with her as best I can. 


How can I best move forward in this situation? 

Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
How old is your mom Southern?.... The reason I ask is if she's been this way for a very long time I doubt without therapy she'll change now

I think keeping your bottom line might be the best that you can do..... If she continues using passive/aggressive behaviour you can always let her know that you won't stay and be subjected to it and if you feel you need to leave then do so.... Maybe she'll hear that ya know

You can love your mom but not like all of her behaviour.... I don't know what else to write.... You can't change her so you'll just have to do the best that you can with your choices about her behaviour


She's needy for reasons of her own and you don't need to take that on.... It's unhealthy ….


Perhaps suggest she be referred to a psychiatrist if you think she's struggling with anxiety or depression and then the ball is in her court..... She'll probably have to be referred by a family doctor ….


Having some good resources might help her..... Big hug......xo
GirlinCalif
GirlinCalif
Do you have other siblings around? Maybe they can also help out. Spend time with her, etc. Or just other family members in general (her sisters and brothers, grandchildren, etc).

Yes, knowing your Mom's age range would be helpful.
mlj6019
mlj6019
I can see how stressful this is for you wanting a relationship with your mom yet trying to maintain some boundaries. I think it’s possible though. @SunCloudJD gave some great advise and I agree that your mom’s “neediness” is an issue within herself. I pray you find that place that’s good for the both of you.
newstart4me2
newstart4me2
Im having the same problem with my Mom. She wants everyone to think Im the problem, when I HAD taken ALL her problems onto myself. BUT what I have done is slacked up on visits & calls & put MYSELF 1st! if it not healthy for you, back off. you can still be there, but from afar. instead of talking everyday, once a wk, stuff like this. I referred my mom to a therapist (she's 77) she wont go or do the phone counseling which was scheduled 3 days a week. so this showed me that she wants to be unhappy. I tried to pray with her & she looked at me so evil & this made it easier to put some distance between us. I have been happier since. we are to honor our parents but we dont have to allow them to put in in a unhappy place.
put yourself 1st, & pray for your Mother!
foreverbeach11
foreverbeach11
Hi Southern, it can be really difficult having boundaries with our parents. Sometimes I feel like it's my mom so anything goes with her and I should accept everything that she says or does. This is not healthy for her or me. Sometimes I let my mom know that what she has said was not appropriate. Sometimes it seems like it doesn't faze her but at least I let her know. Have you considered having a conversation with you mom to let her know how you feel? Boundaries have to be established with every relationship that we have including relationships with our parents. If you are not able to do it on your own, maybe consider seeing a professional counselor who might be able to help you with strategies to establish a healthy relationship with your mom. Wishing you the best.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
There is a Caring for Aging Parents board on here

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/caring-for-aging-parents
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