Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
My sister in-law and I have a relationship where we tolerate eachother to avoid conflict. I've known her and my husband for 16 years now and she's always been manipulative. She manipulates my husband and anyone she can in order to get her way and it's caused a lot of conflict in our marriage. It's to the point where I feel like my needs and wants will always be dismissed, as long as she's allowed to meddle in our lives. I enforce boundaries that aren't respected by my husband, so she has free reign to continue to do as she pleases. I'm regretting having children with my husband because he struggles to create boundaries with his sister when she volunteers to babysit our toddlers, or whenever she interacts with them overall. She has children too and she feels like whatever she does with her children, she can do with everyone else's child. She does things like giving other children lollipops as young as 3 months old, or feeding them literally anything she feels like feeding them without permission from their parents. This goes for medicating children as well. For example, she's always offering to give children melatonin to help them sleep. She offers to babysit everyone's children, but she doesn't keep an eye on them while they are in her care. She goes to sleep leaving the children, no matter how young they are to fend for themselves. She believes her irresponsible, young children, ages 4 through 14 years old will watch the children for her. Deep down inside I blame her for the reason our daughter has a brain injury. She was less than a year old the first time my husband and I left her over there. She was tiny because she was born early and had a lot of complications. I didn't want to leave her over there, but my husband always trusts his sister to babysit. I swear something happened to her the night we left her at my sister in-laws house, just so that we could go to a concert. I regret leaving her over there every minute of every day. The tickets to the concert are another example of how she overstepped boundaries. I told her I wanted to surprise her brother/my husband with tickets to this concert and she went behind my back and brought him him the tickets. She does stuff like that often. I stopped telling her my plans for special occasions because she needs the attention to be on her. She also tried to move her entire family into our small apartment for a few months, so that she and her husband could have renovations done on their home, which I wouldn't allow because our daughter was scheduled to have surgery and because I knew I wouldn't be able to live with her that long without having conflict. Since I refused to give in to her demands, my husband got very upset with me and became emotionally abusive/manipulative towards me. Honestly, he's continued to treat me that way on and off ever since and this was a few years ago when I finally put my foot down and stopped being his sister's doormat. Since then, she and her husband stopped talking to me, other than being cordial when they're forced to speak to me in front of my husband. I wouldn't really care, except for the fact that my husband continues to insist that she babysit our kids without discussing it with me first. This has really put a strain on our marriage and I really resent him for letting her control and manipulate him. He allowed his sister and her husband to ruin his credit over the years and I had to help him repair it so that we could get a mortgage. He lends her money frequently behind my back. I feel like he shouldn't have gotten married because they are so co-dependent, he's unable to change the dynamic and treat me with the respect that I deserve as his wife. He allows her and her husband to disrespect me. One time she dropped her children off, 4 of them for me to babysit without saying anything to me because my husband told her it was ok. I got home as my husband was headed out for work and the children were there, my husband didn't say anything to me about it either, he had a smirk on his face like it was funny that they were manipulating me together. There are so many things that I've put up with over the years, too much to write about. They've apologized for none of the things they've done to me over the years. None of them know how to acknowledge when they've done something hurtful/disrespectful. My husband was less dismissive of my feelings and thoughts when we first got married, but now he gives in to his sister's countless requests and I'm an outsider. He's always going to be like this when it comes to his sister. He never see's her true colors. So many other people stopped interacting with his sister for the same reasons I avoid her. I'm just over all of it and really regret so many of my decisions when it comes to my husband and his family. His sister feels she is more like my husband's mother since their mother passed away when they were young. They all are toxic and need to go to therapy. I didn't realize how bad it was until they all showed me who they really were. People can pretend to be nice for a long time, but I let a few red flags go unnoticed because I had a bad habit of letting things slide, when I needed to be more assertive. I've changed after becoming a mother. My children helped me to become a better advocate for myself for their well being.
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The weeks seem to fly by!Happy Saturday to everyoneI hope that the weekend brings some chill time and barbecuesDoes it take others what seems like forever to add a comment on the boards?I'm okay everywhere else except boards..Everywhere else adds normally but it's annoyingly slow!Have a great Saturday and do something nice for you!!Big hug...xo
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I'm feeling down,, and got alot on my mind right now. I got grief going on, on top my depression and anxiety and now I got to worry about somewhere to live since I can't afford living here since my mom passed. So many bad things have happened since my mom passed. One thing after another it seems. Yesterday our fence fell from a storm that hit, had to call someone to prop it up. Thank...
I imagine that the babysitting may be a lot to do with saving money perhaps?... I think your husband is wrong stating that you'll do things that you're not willing to do
One big difference is that your husband loves his sister and you dislike her so there in lies a lot of the problem
What about you both going to some therapy together so that you can 'hear one another' and make some healthy goals that could benefit both of you
I hear you with regards to your SIL.... I still don't care for my brother's wife... She intentionally caused a lot of strife by constantly pushing as well and my brother and I haven't talked for over a decade because of it
I wish that, that hadn't happened
A therapist might be able to help you to feel heard as well as stop some of the strife that's going on....
Big hug... I wish you well.... xo
Much of what you write may not be fixable by you. That need for control is driving you crazy and it simply won't work. You can't make your husband change. You can't change the sister nor divide her from the husband unless this is what he wants. So now what?
So you have choices. You can figure out ways to make the best out of things and really start to talk to your husband about the issues. In a calm, rational, we are a team, no blaming each other, manner. That might help, it might not. Point out the negative actions of the sister and her husband rather than attacking them personally or labeling them toxic Never call them narcissistic, for example, but describe the behaviors (self absorbed, attention seeking, demanding, nosy or whatever). Use a word picture. Husband needs his sister and is very enmeshed. Can you break that enmeshment? I doubt it but couples counseling can help.
We are often so focused on changing everyone else because it is hard to face where we need to change inside and can be our codependence.
If you divorce him, you lose the control totally on the weeks he has custody. His sister will be their mother on the days he has custody. It may not be a situation you can easily disentangle yourself from. Accept that husband is enmeshed with sister and start to work with what you have in accepting it. See how your need for control also creates conflict.
I agree with you on the things you describe as bad parenting for the sister. I understand that your husband doesn't work with you as a partner or a team parenting. I had the same. I worked on fixing myself, making myself better and more mature thinking, I stopped the need to control which creates conflict, and I waited it out to the youngest was old enough to not need custody by law. But even divorce didn't fix the dysfunction. My ex and his family did the parental alienation. So I tell you this to say work on you, fix you, find new ways of doing and being that help you let go and let it be. Instead of demanding husband change, maybe start to see this from his point of view. Work with his point of view. Accept how life is. Get individual therapy or look into codependence with self honesty. See how things go, get husband into couples counseling if you can. Understand his feelings and why he needs this sister and is so weak. Then you can have more clarity and decide what you need to do. Because you can only change yourself. We can add to the conflict and blame others or we can work on ourselves and try to figure out a more positive way to interact with husband and his enmeshed sister. I wish you the best. I sound kind of blunt. I know this is hard and I understand why you feel how you do. I've been there.
Toxic to me is using others for your own personal gain, as well as manipulating others so you can get your way. I can definitely use therapy, which I’ve received over the years, but consistently interacting with his family, while trying to maintain healthy boundaries for our children has been exhausting and I’m anxious/depressed a majority of the time now. I just put on a happy face for my children because they deserve the best version of me.
Your thinking affects your life just as my thinking affects my life. Once we change how we react and think, we change the family dynamics. Let’s say he likes seeing you and sister fight over control or over gaining his attention. When you change how you act and react, you stop this negative train. You can stay in blame of him and the sister wanting them to change which is making you miserable. Detach with love. Focus on your healing for now.
Maybe journaling every evening how you feel without all the blame and labels of others. I think you are stuck in that. Focus on how you feel, name out the feeling words. Consider ways you can reroute the blame and focusing on others to a more healthy self reflection. You’ll be happier and eventually come to a form of peace about the conflict. And you’ll gain inner strength to make future decisions about the marriage.
Find your inner strength, courage, and self power. It’s a process and not quick to do.