I have never really had a good experience with family, the word 'family' alone being toxic to me. The entire concept of family has me gagging and groaning in annoyance and anger, and I know it's wrong because family can be a really nice thing to have. I just never experienced it as a nice thing.

I was born as a result from a teenager who didn't know how a condom works, and was basically immediately adopted by a couple from the Netherlands. That couple has to be the WORST humanity has to offer: they neglected, bullied, verbally and physically abused me and to top it off they claim they have done 'nothing wrong', and that I'M the problem. 

For the first 16 or so years of my life I was blisfully unaware that I was living in a dangerous situation: I saw violence as nothing out of the odinary, I even used it on my 'parents' from time to time. Honestly, the only reason I'm alive today is because I don't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me die, because they WILL be satisfied by it. I was eventually taken out of there by a mother of a friend, who had already seen a few worrying signs. After a week of living there she called social services because things got REALLY out of hand. A session in court, 2 years of living in a clinic and MANY arguments later I'm ready to throw my 'parents' out of my life after they mailed (and I quote): 'we never want to see that ungrateful brat again!' to the people who currently are trying to help me.

If you think I was sad for even ONE second, you're wrong. I REJOICED at that and hoped they'd jut drink themselves to death. My parents are alcoholics, and to be honest both had a pretty serious medical condition (which I actually was glad for, I'm a fucked up person I know). However, a few days ago they casually asked if it was okay to come over to chat and have some coffe, like they never wished for me to vanish from their lives. I would be angry at that, if I didn't see it coming from a mile away.

Honestly, I wish they'd just drop dead, and I know it's wrong of me: It's wrong of me to despise the term 'family'. It's wrong of me to hate those two with every fiber of by being, it's wrong of me to feel so angry yet amused at how even now they pretend 'everything's fine' and they just have 'a dificult daughter'.

I'm just so angry and upset and stressed over all of this because I feel like this is all my fault somehow, while rationally speaking that teen who gave birth to me should have just used a condom!