Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I guess I'll start at the beginning....I am the youngest of 4. My oldest sibling is my brother, now 57, then my sister, 56, then my other brother, 54 and me, 46. Yes I was a "change of life" baby. My parents were married when they were 19 & 21. My father was a blue collar worker and my mom was a house wife (occasionaly taking on a part time job when I was in my early teens). My parents worked very hard for everything they had. They were tough on us but were also kind and took good care of us, in my eyes anyway. The two oldest have other views.
I have always been the closest to my 54 year old brother, he lives about 15 min away from me. My two oldest siblings are very irresponsible, always in financial trouble (like getting evicted kind of trouble), losing their licences etc. My other brother and myself have good jobs, we're married and my brother has kids. My husband and I don't have any children. My oldest brother was married and then divorced. My sister was married for 14 years and divorced, she has a daughter who is now 23 years old.
My dad passed away in 2005 to esophageal cancer. My parents were retired and living in NC at the time. Since then my mom has moved back up north to be closer to us, that was my doing, i'll admit it. My sister constantly throws it in my face. My mom and I are very close and since my dad passed, I'm sort of like her confidant. I'm alot like my father, usually even tempered and good in an emergency situation.
Fast forward 2015, my niece got very sick and had no where to live. Her father is an alcoholic and my sister was living a hotel with her boyfriend. My husband and I asked if she wanted to come and stay with us till she got better (doctors couldn't figure out exactly what was going on at this point). She ended up having a pretty serious surgery about a monht after she came to stay with us. This was only supposed to be a temporary situation, but it turned into 3 years.
After she recovered from her first surgery, we got her set up with driving lessons because she didn't have her license yet. Then I got her involved in volunteering at a nursing home for the next year until she was well enough to start working. She eventually had to have another surgery, recovered, got her CNA certification and got a job. We fixed our old van and gave it to her. We love her very much and don't regret what we did at all! My sister had a major issue with my niece living with me and has verbally abused me more times than I can count over the last 3 years. I would normally forgive her because I know she has a mental imbalance and is on a few different type of meds. And she's my only sister!
Well fast forward to present day....my niece started dating this kid (who is a complete BS artist and lazy piece of you know what). They knew each other from HS and connected on FB...3 months later, she texts me to tell me they are moving in together and she moved out 2 days later. That was it...I was dumbfounded, hurt, angry, disappointed. I cried for a week straight. Both my husband and I conveyed all of these feelings to her through text because she wouldn't come see us or call. My sister then basically came at me and said that we handled the whole situation horribly and we should be supportive of her decision blah blah blah.
Well come to find out , my niece moved out because she didn't want to get a part time job in addition to her full time gig. We didn't charge her a penny to live with us. We just wanted her to save all her money so that she would be in a great financial position when she didn't get her own place. We were thinking June 2019. The kid that my niece is with is a manipulative piece of garbage...he's promising her the world and she believes him. He worked for his mother and she fired him, so now he has no job! UGH. Anyway, I decided to block my sister's calls and texts because I am stressed out beyond belief and I feel like she's so toxic. She literally exhausts me :(
I don't know if there's a way we can ever get to a normal place again. I think this might be the end of my relationship with my sister. My niece finally came and talked with my husband and I , about a month after she moved out. It went ok, but I told her how much she hurt me and that it would take some time to get back to where our relationship was. But now when I text her, she tries to talk about him and how he's such a good guy. I feel like going crazy...I don't know how I'll ever be able to be around him. I completely blame him for this whole mess. She's like a completely different person. Any advice would be welcome...I'm very depressed about the whole situation and not sure how to handle things.
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Good Thursday to you!I've been watching a really long trial on Youtube these last couple of nights and will finish tomorrowHopefully I'll be in the land of nod soon and I hope my peeps are having sweet dreams followed by a great daySending hugs...xo
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Hey all, i know its been quite awhile since i posted on here. Its been a summer all right. Its been something else........... You know how they say not to open the can of worms? Well a few months ago i decided to find out what my due date would have been for my first baby, the one conceived by r***. My baby would have been due on March 4th of 2006. They would be 20 years old. I was R**** on June...
Second...paragraphs...please? (If you wish you can even go back and edit your post.)
As for your family:
My ex comes from a family of 4 also. Girl, boy (1 year later), my ex 4 years after that, and Dave the baby 4 years younger than my ex-husband. (If you think of them as kids (Carolyn age 9, Scott age 8, my ex age 4, and Dave the baby).
They had their hands full (they were also a working class family, married young, etc, etc.)
I'll tell you straight out...Carolyn had it the easiest. She was a girl, she was bonded with her mom.
Scott had it by far the hardest. When he came along, his mom already had a 1 year old. He got the harshest punishments, and growing up was expected to be behaving as much as his sister.
My ex, in the middle, learned how to get lost in the shuffle, but he got some harsh punishments too.
Dave. By then, his parents were good at parenting, a LOT more patient, and more willing to give him time to learn. As you said...tough but kind and fair.
4 kids...4 very different childhoods.
At 11 years difference in age from oldest to youngest, your parents probably still weren't that old when they had you (mid 30's...that's about average these days for having a child).
The older kids were probably very jealous. Your parents were probably more patient, had more time for you, and more money too. Your mother probably had time to go to your school events, talk with you in the evenings, etc, etc.
Quite frankly, it sounds like your sister found a guy and moved out to get out of her parents house. Not the best move...but pretty common. He turned out to be a dud, but at that point she had a child and her life was now tied to it.
So...fast forward. Your in a position to help her daughter...and your sister, while probably being glad that you're helping her daughter...is probably also incredibly HURT.
I know that I would be anyway. If for ANY reason one of my children went to live with my sister. Even if my relationship with my sister was lousy, heck...especially if my relationship with my sister was lousy.
So now the niece has moved out and in with her own boyfriend.
Your sister probably feels...jealous, avenged (her daughter dumped her, now her daughter has dumped you too), angry (at you), grateful (to you), scared (for her daughter), happy (for her daughter), and a million other feelings all mixed together.
Toxic? Maybe. But if you put yourself in your sister's shoes...understandable.
That doens't mean that you have to sit and take her crap. By all means block her, don't answer the phone, or whatever.
Meanwhile...the niece...is going to feel torn. Torn between her own mother, and her aunt. The more torn she feels, the more the boyfriend is going to feel like a "safe place to land"...away from the emotional pulls of her aunt/mother. (These pulls are REAL...even if neither you or her mother are playing into them.)
Let her go.
Kids grow up and away. They make mistakes. They make bigger mistakes. Allow her to make them. Allow her to work it out between you and her mother.
Maintain ties...send cards. Call.
Allow her to be the "protigal son"...waste the money that you helped her save...if that's the way it's going to go.
And none of this...NONE of this...is the boyfriend's fault. He may be a horrible choice and a user, but he didn't create the 50 year history that shaped your neice into who she is.
That's my 2 cents anyway. Who knows, I may be completely wrong, but that's the way I read it.
I wish you the best,
I think what you did for your niece was beyond great,
Patti
Thank you for replying and I really got a lot from what you said :). The only thing I didn't mention because of course there are so many details over the past 46 years LOL. My sister actually left my parents home at 17 to join the Navy and didn't come back home until she was around 24. She only served 4 years and then lived on her own in another state for awhile. She met her now ex-husband when she came back home. My sister and I always got along for the most part even though we are ten years apart. It's not until the last few years where it's been so horrible.
I have tried to understand where she's coming from and how she feels. I've had countless conversations with her about it, we make peace and then wham! two weeks later she's verbally attacking me again. I've said to her that she's my sister and I love her and I'm able to help her adult daughter, happy to do and hold nothing against her. Which if I have to be honest, I do hold stuff against her :(. But I just wanted to put it all behind us for the sake of my family and the relationship between my sister and niece. They have always had a rocky relationship.
I do think your right about letting my niece go and learn on her own. I'm trying to protect her from everything and I know that's not realistic. I'm so fearful she will end up living the same type of life that my sister has :( I just can't even bear the thought of having to interact with this guy!! UGH Anyway, today is her birthday and it makes me so sad that I have all these sad feelings when it comes to her and her situation. Between my husband and I we have 17 nieces/nephews, but she is my godchild and holds a very special place in my heart.
I guess it will take time.
I told my ex straight out...Stay Out of It.
Scotts relationship with his parents was none of my ex's concerns.
Fast forward...Scott is now in his 50's. Off heroin. Not even drinking. Living back in the small town that they came from, and really, really close to his father. They're more alike (including the dad drinking/probably being an alcoholic when Scott was a young child).
No one in my ex's family had to help Scott's daughter because Scott's ex wife comes from money, and Lauren (now grown up) now even has a trust fund.
As a sister...it's pretty easy to walk away.
AS a parent...I will never be able to walk away...no matter what my children ever do, I will always love them.
Parenting is HARD. It's hard to know when to help, and how. It's also hard because 75% of the "problem" is with us...the parent...and not the child. And I say this...knowing that I went through some really difficult times with my kids.
Again, I'll say that you don't know what mistakes your parents made with your sister, but people don't leave home at 17 to join the military...if there weren't some major problems.
My mom would take her shopping for a new dress for the school dance and then at the last minute she would say she's not going and lock herself in her room. My dad was very easy on my sister, not that he was hard on me....just didn't hold her to the same standards. She would spend all her money on vacation and he would give her more. Not that he was happy about it ….I feel like he was always trying to save her. IDK...
She says to this day to my mother that if they didn't move her life would've been totally different.
At what point does someone stop blaming everything on their parents/childhood and take responsibility for their own lives and actions? It's not like her childhood was bad...she wasn't burned with cigarettes or starved for god's sake. Were we spanked as kids, yes. Sometimes when it didn't really warrant a spankiing, yes. Parents are people and are not perfect, but my parents were good caring people and they did their best.
I've watched how some parents grow closer to their kids when their kids get to be teenagers, and others whose kids run like hell from them. 99% of the time...it's the parenting.
It's NOT about "holding kids to standards". In fact it's the opposite. Kids WANT to attach to their parents (toddlers and teenagers most of all). If the kids aren't attached...it's something in the parenting.
None of what I write is about "blaming" parents. But...Scott left home and moved across the country at 18 too. Dave, well Dave messed around as a carpenter and a cook before joining the Army himself.
I adored my former MIL, and miss her dearly (she died almost 20 years ago now, I gave my daughter her middle name), but without a doubt, what they did as parents affected the kids.
And with neighborhood kids...it's sad. I'm watching some make mistakes that they'll have to live with the rest of their lives.
But back to "blame"...when does it stop? When the people are dead. That's when the teenager stops being labeled as "rebellious". That's when all the labels and history all ends...
Words count. We take them into ourselves and it shapes our personality. Long, long, long time after the dress is forgotten, that label still stays with us.
What did you parents go through closer to the time your siblings were born??….
I recently came into a bunch of letters my Dad wrote my Grandma while being active in WW2 that had been in a museum..... These letters presented a man that I really didn't know at all...… Not much more then a boy in a horrific situation and so innocent
The man that I knew as Dad was so often enraged and I was the recipient of it..... This is what I mean by do you know what effected the lives of your parents??
In regards to your niece her formative years it seems were really impacted by so much disfunction that she's bound to be effected..... If she's able to get into some therapy it might really help her life moving forward
I agree with Patti that your sister is probably transferring some jealousy and hurt in regards to you being there for her daughter when she wasn't able to be
We can be such complex beings …. She should say thank you
I don't know why your siblings are so angry at your parents however I would let your sister work it out or not with your mom
Our childhood is what shapes the people we become and it seems that sister wants to be heard by your mom
The idea of your sister just 'getting over it' might not be something that she's able to do without help
Her perception of what happened is what her reality is..... Whether it's truly right or wrong it's HER truth
If the toxicity continues I would put some boundaries in place in regards to your sister.... .
Gentle hug..... Families can be hard at times and painful...….xo
I will give my niece her space but keep in touch. And I have decided to keep my distance from my sister. Not sure if we'll ever be able to interact again, but for now, no.