Julianna, you are in a delicate situation that will require finesse in the way you handle it. You are right to feel outraged by this situation. What is happening to you and your family is wrong. But if you express that outrage to your daughter and son-in-law, you will probably just make matters worse.

The finesse you will have to demonstrate involves being reasonable, patient, and loving. And, by all means, treat your daughter like the adult that she is. She is entitled to make her own decisions, right or wrong. Respect her decisions and talk to her as you would a good friend, rather than your child. The consequences here are enormous.

Not to scare you, but you do not want to risk long-term or permanent estrangement where families can be absolutely destroyed. That is a very common occurrence these days and some say it is a fate worse than death. Act while you still have time. Be open and willing to show them unconditional love and support. It doesn't mean you have to accept abusive behavior. But suggest fun things to do together and do them the way they want to do them.

best of luck to you,
--EJ

The first mistake is to engage in email wars. They are usually taken out of context and in the wrong way, and then there is a permanent record.

Why is this an "emergency?" I don't understand about the MIL and China...???

What type of "quality time" are you asking for? Is it that they refuse to let you visit, or are you expecting to have time with the grandkids completely alone?

Sorry, but I don't understand the post, so I can't really give any advice. Maybe if you clarify...

Thank you for your responses....I didn't want this to get to email. I actually tried to contact my daughter several times and she wouldn't pick up. She emailed me and that is how that started.

This stems back from when my daughter first met her husband and introduced me to his mother. We spent the weekend in Michigan making some preliminary arrangements for their wedding. She ignored me most of the weekend and anytime I tried to engage in any conversation with her, she talked over me as if i wasn't there. That behavior has basically continued throughout the whole time that they have been married.

I work very long hours so the time that I do get to spend is quality time. I do get to see the children at least once during the week for a small period of time in the evening and have asked for some quality time on the weekends of which that has been denied. And when my daughter's mother-in-law is there, I am basically not to be there.

It is a very delicate situation....just not sure where to turn at this point.....

I think once a week is pretty good.

If you and the MIL don't get along and they are living in China, I suppose they expect you to stay away?

Why doesn't the MIL like you? Has she given a reason?

Does your daughter feel caught in the middle? Does she feel pressured to support her husband?

Im Not understanding what quality time with a newborn and two year old is supposed to be? You see them during the week. What you might try is offering to watch the kids on the weekend so they can run errands or go out assuming you and they are ok with you being alone with the kids. You mention past problems with your daughter so I have to wonder if there is more to your story that might justify their concerns.

I would try to block out the issues with his family. I can understand that they want time alone when his mother visits which must be rare if she is living in china. To be honest it almost sounds like you are a little intrusive. My mil never came to my house, we went to hers to visit approx every other week for an hour or so. My parents lived on the other side of the country so we rarely saw them.

Is there a neutral person who you could ask about this? Someone who would tell you honestly if this is their problem or yours? Sometimes we need to hear the hard truth.

Just to make things clear...I do not intrude on my daughter and her family. I don't offer her my advice unless she asks me. I don't go to their home unannounced as I always call first. I have offered on several occasions to take care of the children and have gotten pushback. I'm the type of person who does not like confrontation so I remain silent. My daughters mother in law had a baby shower for my daughter and did not invite me; my son in law had an anniversary party for my daughter and I learned about it from a friend of theirs...there are some serious control issues going on and my son in law and his family are at the center of it...I've extended numerous invitations to them to my home while the in laws are in town and I get pushback...so I stopped asking.

So to answer your comment about being intrusive..that's not in my character and while I'm not perfect I have been there for my daughter. Unfortunately she doesn't see that. ....

It sounds to me that you are taking notes and keeping score a little too much.

I'd be happy with once a week and leave it at that. Rather than trying to angle for more time, you might try asking why they feel this way. Have you done anything? Then promise to listen and not comment back. If you can do that, you may be surprised what they say.

You sound 100% sure about the situation... that's never the case. There's always more than one side. I'd offer them an opportunity to tell theirs. You never know what they're going to say. But you can't react. Just say, "Thank you for sharing." and let it sit.

Tell us what they say.

I like your suggestion of speaking with them about their feelings...and keeping it at once a week. I'll let you know how this plays out...

I appreciate everyone's support...

Hi! In some way it feels like a longer story with more details so its hard to give advice. One general one, is that if ppl start to fight over something it often starts to get the opinions stronger, sometimes with no real meaning behind.... Like in a argument when one person say NO and the other one YES and then no, yes,no,yes and after a while you just say no and yes without really thinking about why. And also if you say no and someone pushes that no, the no usually gets stronger. And for every push to change the no, the no gets stronger because you feel like you are pushed towards something you dont what to. So its more the feeling of beeing pushed over than actually wanting the no... Well,,, I would sugest to try to "back of" and breake the bad spiral with "no"s. Try to make the one time a week with them as fun as you can. (And I do not mean by buying them golden trees or a flying pony) but try to enjoy it! No preassure of wanting to see them more! Eventually I think they will feel that they need a babysitter... and then you take that chanse! Dont make a big deal of it! Make that time as fun for you, and them, as you can... Enjoy the time (and again, no flying pony, but try to have fun). From only reading the stuff you have said, with no more back up story, I would advice to try to breake the NO spirale, in some way she might feel preassured to say yes and then its hard to. So try to take away the preassure and the guilt if there is some... And try to make it neutral! Make your own life as happy and full as you can! Do fun things independently! Thats inspiering to your daughter too! Try to ENJOY the time you have with them. Try to take away all guilt and all from the situation, and try to make it neutral. Then eventually, when your daughter stops feeling preassured (even if you odo preassure OR NOT) and with two kids it will probably be plenty of time eventually when they will need a babysitter! Just dont rush it! You need to let it come from her! Not all families sees their granskids ones a week, so try to be happy for that (and I know you might just want to give tons of love and time and help and nice things and it feels unfair that you cant) but at this moment you GET regular time with them! If you keep nagging the time you actually meet might be worse and worse and the argument makes they not want to meet even then. So try to stop the bad circle, stop the preassure, try to ENJOY the time you have and savour it!!! And eventually I do think they will want to have a baby sitter... But by not nagging or pushing you might change the look of things so it becomes that YOU do them a favour of babysitting, not them giving you a favour by letting you be with them! You really can see it bouth ways! (And for you to make a favour uut of it you must wait until they ask!) Plan your own life too so you have a fun and full life in between the visits! Join a club of some sort, volonteer, meet new friens... Maybe one day they ask you to babysit and you have other plans... Try to even the situation so its you who makes a favour of beeing a babysiter and not the other way around. About parties and stuff,,, it might feel crappy but maybe they only invite friends? I do think its importante for you to make your own life full with own friends and own parties. Then I do think the situation can change and then you have a full life on your own AND a fun and full life with your grandkids. :) Good luck! :) Let us know how it goes! :)

Since the other family arnt there that much maybe try to "ignore" that for a while.... Its bad but you dont have to see them often. Maybe if they are in the country for a short time maybe they want quality time with their son. I would start to focus on your daughter and grandkids and by taking a step back hopefully get closer to them. Be happy with one time a week. Enjoy it. No strings. No blame. Stop the bad spiral. And maybe in a month, invite them, (when his parents are there) to a sunday dinner. Just one. So dont ask for more time with the kids for say 3-4 weeks, just enjoy the time. Do NOT mention more time!!! After that, invite them to a Sunday dinner. After that stick with one meeting a week, no preassure.... after 3 weeks again, invite them to sunday dinner.... no preassur, no strings.... in 3 weeks again ask again to invite them to a Sunday dinner. In that way you start a tradition, like every 4th Sunday in the month, every 4th Friday, Saturday or Wednesday whatever fits the best is Dinner day. (Do not tell them you plan to do this regularly, it migth scare them of if they already feels preassured) just let it become that. And for you and them, try to ENJOY the time! Dont think ab tomorrow or yesterday during it, just think NOW and how to enjoy the now! :) Maybe try that.

(It sholud be invite them when his parents are NOT there!)

From what you describe, it sounds like your son in law is running the show and has control over your daughter,
He really should not be verbally abusing you. I wonder if some of this is cultural--Was he born in China?
In any event I understand that this must be heart wrenching because you just want to be a part of your grandchildren's lives.
Funny how our own children can turn on us and be so cruel
I have a neighbor who is in the same situation. She was a loving caring mother and when her son got married and had two children the daughter in law cut her out of their lives entirely.
Where she might have had a few differences years ago when they lived with her she is other wise a wonderful person.
She now goes to the boys hockey games and other events, brings the gifts right to them there. She has never gave up.
But she has not let this psycho daughter in law abuse her either.
It is really SHAME ON YOUR DAUGHTER for allowing her husband to be so controlling.
Hang in there.....things will change

mamie- please do not blame the daughter- have you ever been controlled by someone? It comes on very sneakily and then BAM! You are in Hell.

The daughter has to realize she's being controlled and emotionally abused and has to take steps to end the cycle, but shaming her is not going to help. I'm sure the husband is doing enough of that already.

Please know that you are far from alone in this type of situation. There are many groups for estranged parents of adult children here on DS.

You may also do yourself a favor and study up on the dynamics of "scapegoating"...

I am in a similar situation. Unless and until my estranged son finds it in him to take a stand for his family, we are treated as nonexistent .

Though our relationship, if there ever is to be one again, will never be what it was.

The groups i mention can provide much support while enduring this treatment/betrayal.

Bad things DO happen to "good " people.

{{hugz}}

edit~ i understand that his family is now the mother of his children and said children. I should have written "maternal family", or something of the sort, incl. a 1/2 bro. who he was once very close to, and an aunt who is heartbroken over his shunning of "us". .

{hugz}