Hi everyone, I am new to this group. I have a lot of family issues, things that I am finally going to address soon with a professional. My main issues, though, are with my mother..

I feel absolutely no connection to her. I live with her, her boyfriend, and two of my four siblings. I am going to try to make this short and sweet: My mother holds grudges. We would get into an argument about something miniscule, and she won't talk to me for a month. She also has never apologized for anything she has ever done in the past or continues to do. A typical argument involves a month-two months of not talking, then eventually she will say something to me (something random) and everything will go back to normal. Sometimes if the grudge is around a birthday/holiday/special event she will talk to me a couple days before so the event isn't akward. It has been like this for a very long time, and honestly as much as it kills me, I'm used to it. I do not feel like I am her daughter. There is no talking to her because she is stubborn. This current fight occured because she was drinking and decided to answer our house phone because someone I do not speak to anymore was trying to call. I told her many times in the past that I DO NOT want to talk to that person anymore (he is an emotionally abusive alcoholic) but she did it anyways saying that she felt bad for him. When we argued (via text because I was not home) I angrily said "fuck you". Those two words are the reason why she is holding a grude. It''s been three weeks and she won't even make eye contact with me. She brushes passed me and has been super nice to everyone else. (Which is another thing she does: she will go out and buy people things or be extra nice to everyone else if she is fighting with me.) This is just how she is holding a grude. I haven't even gotten into all of things she has done during my teen years. 

Has anyone else experienced a parent like this? How do you deal with it? I am starting therapy soon, something I should have done a LONG time ago, and I am planning on bringing this up. Honestly, there is no talking to her, and I know many people are going to tell me to talk to her about this, but honestly? She will never change. She is a miserable person, and I honestly believe that she doesn't love me. One time she texted her friend saying that she wishes she never had kids. She is 53 now, no real education, and relying on a man, so she is regretting the choices she made, and I am one of them. I am trying to get through college, and I honestly believe that when I move out, she and I will not have a relationship.. The sad part is that my little sister sees how she is now and has been telling me that she cant wait until she's 18 so she can move out and never speak to her again. 

How could someone have kids and not show that they love them? Why do I have to question if my own mother loves me?