Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I am new to this site and have no idea where to start, so I figured id just start here, with whats going on right now.
I am 25 and i am having (what feels like) a major life crisis. my boyfriend and i have been together for 9 year. he has been faithful, but i haven't been. i have cheated on him 3 times. he knows about them, as i have recently come clean about everything i have kept from him. i have hurt him tremendously. for some reason unbeknownst to me, he has decided to give me yet another chance. i know in my heart of hearts that i am not the same person i was. before, i lied and cheated without batting an eye. and it seems like its all hitting me in the chest at once. he has not forgiven me, and openly admits that. so whenever we get into a fight, he is very quick to anger and throws everything i have ever done to him, up in my face. he calls me all sorts of names and literally makes me feel worthless. this is the person who, when hes not mad at me, tells me that he loves me and only wants to be with me and never wants to be in another relationship with another woman EVER if we don't work out. that i am hs only one.i feel like complete shit for what ive done to him and the lies i have told. he tells me that it doesn't matter how many times i say im sorry and that im never going to cheat again, b/c i have said that to him in the past, and then cheated again. so my words (even though its all i have) are pointless and empty. i messed up the relationship by myself by cheating, so he says i have to fix it by myself. he feels like he doesn't need to do anything, bc hes not the one who messed it up. i have no friends, bc i cant be trusted in a relationship that ive cheated so many times. i cant talk to any of my family, bc they are either not s psrt of my life like i would like, or i don't feel comfortablel talking to them. and if i do talk to anyone, they lose a little respect for my bf bc they are hearing my one-sided story.
on top of feeling worthless and alone, i have recently lost my faith in religion. before, i was able to be comforted when i prayed. but i don't even have that. i don't know what i consider myself really, but i used to be a Christian. my bf is an atheist. i have been able to maintain my faith, up until about a year ago. i have read the works of and listen a lot to some of the worlds most predominate atheists, and their logic and science make me feel like a fool that i believed in a god for 24 years or so of my life. no one outside of my counselor knows that ive given up religion.
now...knowing that thers not a god (or leaning very heavily towards the fact) means theres no heaven. this is another hard pill for me to swallow. my entire life ive thought my loved ones went there when they died. more significantly, i had an abortion at a very young age, and was able to find at least a little comfort knowing that my baby was in heaven with jesus. when i get to thinking about it, or get into a fight with my bf, i start to feel like im here for no reason. whats the point to life, in a sense. its damn near impossible to shake that feeling, and that, on top of everything else, i start to doubt the reason for even going on.
i realy don't know what to do, and have no one to talk to, so i am kinda hoping this website can help.
I am 25 and i am having (what feels like) a major life crisis. my boyfriend and i have been together for 9 year. he has been faithful, but i haven't been. i have cheated on him 3 times. he knows about them, as i have recently come clean about everything i have kept from him. i have hurt him tremendously. for some reason unbeknownst to me, he has decided to give me yet another chance. i know in my heart of hearts that i am not the same person i was. before, i lied and cheated without batting an eye. and it seems like its all hitting me in the chest at once. he has not forgiven me, and openly admits that. so whenever we get into a fight, he is very quick to anger and throws everything i have ever done to him, up in my face. he calls me all sorts of names and literally makes me feel worthless. this is the person who, when hes not mad at me, tells me that he loves me and only wants to be with me and never wants to be in another relationship with another woman EVER if we don't work out. that i am hs only one.i feel like complete shit for what ive done to him and the lies i have told. he tells me that it doesn't matter how many times i say im sorry and that im never going to cheat again, b/c i have said that to him in the past, and then cheated again. so my words (even though its all i have) are pointless and empty. i messed up the relationship by myself by cheating, so he says i have to fix it by myself. he feels like he doesn't need to do anything, bc hes not the one who messed it up. i have no friends, bc i cant be trusted in a relationship that ive cheated so many times. i cant talk to any of my family, bc they are either not s psrt of my life like i would like, or i don't feel comfortablel talking to them. and if i do talk to anyone, they lose a little respect for my bf bc they are hearing my one-sided story.
on top of feeling worthless and alone, i have recently lost my faith in religion. before, i was able to be comforted when i prayed. but i don't even have that. i don't know what i consider myself really, but i used to be a Christian. my bf is an atheist. i have been able to maintain my faith, up until about a year ago. i have read the works of and listen a lot to some of the worlds most predominate atheists, and their logic and science make me feel like a fool that i believed in a god for 24 years or so of my life. no one outside of my counselor knows that ive given up religion.
now...knowing that thers not a god (or leaning very heavily towards the fact) means theres no heaven. this is another hard pill for me to swallow. my entire life ive thought my loved ones went there when they died. more significantly, i had an abortion at a very young age, and was able to find at least a little comfort knowing that my baby was in heaven with jesus. when i get to thinking about it, or get into a fight with my bf, i start to feel like im here for no reason. whats the point to life, in a sense. its damn near impossible to shake that feeling, and that, on top of everything else, i start to doubt the reason for even going on.
i realy don't know what to do, and have no one to talk to, so i am kinda hoping this website can help.
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grill tonight with charcoal.....turned out good but had some stuff that I had to feed to Belle and Happy because it was grissley. it tasted pretty good and was a perfect mid rare....
about staying out of guilt, I have this underlying feeling that in a sense, I owe him for what ive done. kind of like an obligation, even if I don't feel like that 100% of the time. ive tried to tell him that I cant do it alone, even though I was the one who stepped outside of the relationship. he pretty much doesn't want to hear it bc he did nothing wrong.
I think I may have broken through to him yesterday and the day before bc he said he realizes he needs to be nicer, and be more available. so I guess well see.
17butterfly49...I have called a crisis line before, and the lady on the other line said the same thing about him being abusive and controlling. maybe I should take the hint, right? idk, its not so easy. ESPECIALLY snce hes all ive ever known. he says I cant have friends because I will try and have sex with them, or their bf. ridiculous, I know, but that's what he says. he acts like he has zero respect for me in that aspect.
I really don't know what to do to fix a relationship that's so badly broken. I have no job, bc I once cheated with a man I worked with, so my bf now thinks ill do it again. with no job, theres no money. I have literally no where to go, even if I did decide to leave, as my family either have no room for my children and I, or im not in contact with them. I also don't know if hes acting like this out of spite or something, or if this is really how he feels deep down.
Also, whether you stay married or not, get a job. Find someone loving and responsible to watch the babies when you're at work; maybe the church, a good neighbor, a non-profit agency, family member, etc. Begin building a career so you can feel better about yourself and give your children a brighter future.
best of luck,
--EJ
annie...I actually am in the process of persuing my career. I am a nursing student at a local community college. ive asked my bf what hes gonna do when I graduate (I only have about a year and a half left) bc itll be inevitable for me to start working. he said we will cross that bridge when we get there, but he really has no choice. he says he cant keep me from my career. we actually have been talking, and there s a subway right down the raod from our house, and he told me that he thinks itll be good if I wnt there and applied.
it kind of feels like we are on a day-by-day basis.
e.p....I am going through counseling for myself, but my bf isn't so willing to go himself. I haven't been going for too long, but so far so good. as for the attraction to him, I am still. we were talking about that last night actually. I told him that I may be more physically attracted to him now than I have ever been. I feel very self conscious about my own physical appearance though, as I have had 3 children and my body isnot the same. one good thing about this though is that he says hes still attracted to me as well.
im not doing the dishonesty/screwing around thing with him, although I wouldn't call it a game. very bad things have already happened as a result of my actions and im trying to deal with this to the best of my ability. I understand that I need to get a job. its not like I like sitting around while he is the only bread winner. things are tight around here right now, and as I mentioned above, he recently told me he is a little more comfortable with the possibility of me getting a little part time job.
thank you, all of you, for your kind words.
socksthecat...sexual, no. physical? check. emotional? check.
my bf can be emotionally abusive. his words can cut deep. as for physical, when I was a child (between the ages of 10 or so and 13 or 14) my dad (stepdad, technically) would beat me.
why do you ask??
You said that since losing your faith, you feel horrible. SO get it back!
If you feel better in thinking there's God and more for you after this life, then do it! : )
Don't let others dictate what you believe.
I intellectually KNOW there's the Grand Canyon, even though I've never personally experienced it.
Why can't you BELIEVE in something that makes you feel better, even though there's no "proof?"
I'd not get so hung up on who's right... Faith made you happy. So get back to it. It's not harmful... It's like me working out. I don't need to lose weight, but it's good for me, so I do it.
Same with your personal spirituality. Sounds like your BF has too much influence over you.
The way he is reacting, to me, seems normal in light of what has happened. He can't trust you, and do you blame him? The problem isn't him or the cheating - it's that something inside of you needs to be healed.
I did bad things as a Christian (I still am a Christian). I did things that would shock the people who know me. I went to an abuse support group, learned why I did the things I did, understood God's forgiveness, and realized that I had value and worth because God loves me unconditionally and I don't need another person to give me value and worth.
I may be way off base, but it's just that a lot of what you wrote similar to my situation, and once I got help and healing, I was able to make better decisions and finally love myself for once in my life.
very well stated. you have alot of wisdom to offer. if you have sufferered abuse, it makes it more difficult to love yourself because you feel devalued or "ruined." We must value ourselves because no one can give that to us. Only faith in God or professional intervention can help us to realize that we are worth being loved, no matter what someone did to abuse us.
--EJ
socksthecat...I, too, have done things (as a Christian, and not) that would shock the people I know too. I do see a counselor now, but its too soon to tell if its helping or not.
e.p...I agree. I kinda feel not-loveable or ruined b/c the things I have done, and what my b/f thinks about it, and how he talks to me b/c of it.
I understand why your husband has trouble accepting this. You both should be in marital counseling or therapy. If he will not participate, he is making a mistake. I realize he did not "make the mistake," but if he loves you and wants his marriage to work, he will help to repair the damage done to the marriage.
There is no other way.
To sit around and to condemn yourself and constantly listen to your husband's condemnations of you will only eat away at your sense of self-esteem and erode the trust, loyalty, and honesty in your marriage. It is impossible for marriage to exist in these circumstances. Straighten your shoulders, admit your mistakes as you have done, see a therapist, and speak openly and honestly with your husband. That is all you can do. If he will not support you, then you will need to make some tough decisions about living in a relationship like that.
very best,
--EJ