I'm really sorry to hear about your wife.

I had a terrible relationship with my daughter's dad's family while we were together. His stepmother was outright rude to me, his dad took teasing too far (our daughter is little and he continually made her really upset), and his brother terrorized her and recieved no dicipline from his parents for it. I could show you PAGES of nasty e-mails and text messages that my daughter's dad's family sent me over the years that we were together. They attacked my family, tried to exclude me and my daughter from their family, etc... It was awful.

My ex and I broke up because he was abusive and an alcoholic. He has 6 hours of visitation with our 3 year old every other weekend, and it's supervised visitation. I have sole decision making. At first, I tried to send pictures, cards, and keep in contact with my ex's family. What did they do? They came to my daughter's birthday party, snubbed my mother and I, and then posted pictures of us on the internet mocking us. I decided I had enough and completely cut them out of my life. I blocked all of their e-mails, phone numbers, etc... I haven't spoken to a member of my daughter's dad's family in over 2 years now.

Of course they could arrange visitation through him- they would need to come with him to the agency that supervises his visits. They don't. So they have had no contact with my daughter in 2 years, and will probably continue to not be part of our lives.

I am very sad, because I would love nothing more than for my daughter to know her whole family- including her father's side. But my life is less stressful, more positive, and all around BETTER without them in it. I believe I am a better parent to her without the three ring circus that they continually brought into my life.

You need to do what's best for you and your children. If that part of the family brings nothing but negativity and heartache into your lives, it's sad but not your fault. You can be as kind and forgiving as Jesus, but if they are not willing to try and change in order to have a relationship with your children, you can't make them. They need to care more than you do.

Wishing you the best!

Soccer from what you describe I'm thinking that maybe your wife's family was afraid to deal with your wife's illness. Everyone has their own way of dealing with illness and death. Sounds like their way was to pretend it wasn't happening. They may also have thought they were giving you precious time together alone. Who knows but that is their problem.

You can certainly be angry at them for not helping and being there for you and the kids. But did you ask for help? Just saying that maybe there is another side to what happened.

Back to today...sounds like you want your kids to know their mom's family which is a great thing. Even in perfect relationships that is a hard thing to do. If I were you I would leave the past behind. Decide what type of relationship you want with your inlaws and go for it. Because in punishing them you are hurting yourself and your kids.

Asked. Let down...repeatedly. And here is the kicker, one's way to respond to adversity provides clues/signs to what type of people they will be. So, again, we are better off. Actually, my desire is not to maintain a relationship. There presence in our lives to debilitating and disruptive.

I'm already dealing with this and my husband is still alive. His mom left him at age 16, he's now 29 and she's never been in his life. When i ask about childhood memories, they are ' oh she was a drunk, played bingo all the time, and cheated on his dad while his dad was deployed'.....last year my husband was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer. We have four kids and they don't even know his bio moms name. Since he was diagnosed she feels she needs to get to know him and the kids. Problem is her lack of respect to the boundaries we set, and lack of listening to his doctors. Instead of helping, she's making it worse. I worry how she and other family member will be when he does pass away so I've been on a mission to get this straight before anything happens. I'm to the point she won't be in our lives much longer. A therapist told us once, you can forgive, but you don't have to forget nor like them, family or not. She's toxic to my family therefore she's not going to be around. My family is number one and i cannot allow outsiders to hurt them on purpose or by accident. Life is to short to have ppl in our lives that cause more pain than good.

Sorry to hear all that, Roxy. I have people telling me that "life is too short" to not forgive and move forward w/ whatever relationship is possible, but my feelings are akin to yours...it's too short to have such people in it PERIOD. The four years I mention in my initial post is AFTER they had abandoned me and my family just after my wife's initial diagnosis and after they had been asked for help....I even confronted them about their lack of support a few months after the initial diagnosis and they resumed their peculiar and "estranged" behavior the next 4 years.... God I wish I could separate them from their children, but that is impossible...my kids and I continue to rebuild our lives and doing so very well and happily...cannot afford to allow anyone to derail what we have gained....

if that was me, id cut all ties with the family. my sister did with our parents, too bad our parents are still alive. my brother stopped talking to my dad long long time ago he doesnt even call his own mom i wonder why.

ladytiger,

sounds a mess...i take it you are still communicating with the parents?

it just sucks that we get birthday invitations and I will not be responding nor attending....just seeing them pretend like they care about my children make me sick. When it really counted, they were absent... even recent behavior further reinforces my decision to keep them away from us....ugh.

reply #7,

i still live at home for a lack of jobs in my state but once i get a job and never speak to my parents again. nobody on both sides of the families speak to my parents. my uncle stopped talking to my mom last year because they got into a huge fight on the phone about her needing to come back South to help their mom (my grandma) who is elderly and has fallen down needing assistance.

my uncle blew up on the phone asking my mom why is ur life more important than ur own mother? what things do u have to do that are sooo important that you claim u can't find any money to come back South to help? she hung up on him. he told me on the phone how he loves his sister but he wants nothing to do with her and her negativity that she is on her own.

sorry to hear all this...man, can't imagine some of the situations i hear about. my situation is relatively "lighter" compared to others, but not easy. my kids rarely, ever speak of or ask about my wife's side of the family and they live within an hour of us. my children (and I) have a tremendous support community through neighbors and families from my work. so, the kiddos are happy and I am trying to get to that point...

hope you find a job soon. good luck!

I am sorry to hear about your loss it is a horrible thing to lose a loved one. As for your current situation only you can decide what you feel is the best thing to do. My advice to you is to weigh all your pros and cons. If you strongly feel that keeping in contact with these family members will do more harm then good for you and your children I think it is a good idea to cut off all ties with them.

Everyone has a different criteria in these situations so to me what is most important to me is the welfare of the kids and yourself. Some people do change especially after a death but others do not and I usually base my next moves by a persons actions. I tend to stay away from relatives that I cannot trust. Anyway like I said weigh your pros and cons here and take it from there. Hope this helps a bit and I truly hope whatever you decide will bring you much happier days for you all very very soon.

thanks. my 2 nieces dont even ask about their grandparents (my parents) anymore because mom was on the phone with my sister arguing over the same shit and they heard grandma thru speaker phone (my mom didnt know she was on it nor being recorded) saying tell jada and destiny why they have such a selfish mother blah blah blah all cuz their mother won't come home for 6 mos (they are a military family) to help me with my divorce and move to a place etc.

so, the kids heard every conversation. my sister said jada was sad and ran into her room. destiny was sad and asked mommy why is grandma acting like that? my sister said shes a looney tune who needs help and doesnt care about anyone but herself she has always been that way since all 4 of us were born. my mom screams at my sister on the phone which my sister leaves the phone on speakerphone and goes upstairs while my mom is still yelling.

no military personnel can take off 6 mos at a time now my mom said she never said that when she did cuz i was there those nights when she told my sister that. my sister said her hubby's parents are better grandparents than our parents are to her daughters. my sister said they know the truth nor do they ask about them and don't care about them either. i said good 4 them at least they r at peace too bad i was never at peace in my entire life

I should stop complaining, huh? I am sorry for all that you are going through....

when it comes to family acting like that, its better for the kids to stay away from drama what kid needs that in their lives? id let the family be in the kids' lives if they have some kind of common sense and want to be a loving family that'd be my rule!

Many of us don't care for family and in-laws but I agree with Tigg2 here. Put our petty likes and dislikes on the back burner and think of what the kids will miss with their aunts, uncles, cousins, and yes grandparents. It makes them well-rounded to know their closest kin to their mother. You don't have to accept all the invites but drop the kids off for some special occasions so they may have that pleasure. They will decide if they want them in their lives as they mature, but they will always want a part of their mom and I don't think you should deny them that.

I do know it is difficult dealing with people we had rather not be around, but you know sometimes it is important.

kaChing,

I appreciate your sentiments, but my situation goes way beyond petty differences. It goes to core values, negligence and a 4 YEAR history that has been consistent with all it's peculiarities and behavior that can only be characterized as pretentious and self-absorbed. I have already made the decision to have nothing to do with them. Our relationship in the past four years since my wife's diagnosis looks a little like this:

1. See each other maybe 1x/year. Imagine that, out of 365 days, we may see each other once and we live 40 miles apart, so family time was never really a priority
2. You may ask, did you make an effort, well, considering that I was the primary caretaker to a wife who was bed-bound and in constant pain, you would think that HER OWN FAMILY would make the effort to make for more visits
3. What brother visits his only sibling ONCE in a period of 10 months prior to her death and not much more than that in previous years??
4. What family discourages each other from helping take care of an only sister/daughter instead of making EVERY effort to be a part of the care-taking effort?

Man have so much more crap....in the end I am not ready and am not certain if I'll ever be. Our current relationship is not so different from what we had when my wife was alive. My children are happy and have an incredible support system of friends and neighbors and my own siblings' children....we are making tremendous progress in the rebuilding area, so I am not convinced that my children have lost too much. What? Irresponsible uncle and aunt and cousins that they barely knew?

They do have a limited relationship with my wife's mother. She made some effort during the four years, but unfortunately took advice from her son that she now regrets. Imagine a mother agreeing that her place is not to help in aiding her only daughter in healing.

No, nothing petty and trivial. I may be ready to forgive and allow some relationship, but my feeling is that when my children are old enough to make that decision, I will explain to them why we are how we are and let them decide then. Believe me, I have no desire for my children to be like my wife's family in values or conduct....

Thanks for your words, but their "sudden" desire to be like a family is too late. Actually, it's an affront.