Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
We had a family gathering Monday night at my sister's house. I brought food over in one of my nicer reusable grocery bags. My sister has two Labradors who are rambunctious. She and her husband and even my dad, who keeps them every day while she's at work, don't think the dogs need training although everyone who meets them does. When I arrived at her house I walked into the kitchen where the turd dogs immediately started jumping on me. Her chocolate lab is the worst and will not get down no matter what I do. In the process of getting the dog off of me, she ripped my cute grocery bag. She did it in front of my sister and my mom. When I said I was upset my sister's response was, "It's cheap. You can get another one." My mom gave me the bag and said she'd get me another one. It's several years old and they don't make it anymore. I'm not even attached to the bag, I'm upset over how my sister handled it. In my opinion she should have apologized and she should have been the one to offer to fix or replace it. I don't even care if it's replaced, I just for once want her to respect other people's feelings. Am I wrong for feeling this way? It's probably a bigger deal to me than it comes across because stuff like this happens all the time and I'm sick of my sister being a huge bitch and my parents always defending her and making it so that I am a bad person when I try to stand up for myself. I sound like a teenager. I'm 39 and my sister is 36. I'm just tired of letting her get away with her selfish behavior. I'd love some outside perspective on this since I'm probably overreacting. Thanks!
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
But first, have you directly expressed your feelings about the dogs? If so, it seems like your family is dismissing your concerns. This may be a boundary issue. The very relaxed, offhand way your mother and sister reacted to the situation, tells me that they may not respect your boundaries. They particularly seem very dismissive of your feelings. You are probably right in that this is just one event in a relational pattern.
Unfortunately, patterns don't change from the outside, especially with boundary issues. The painful truth here is that the only person that can change is you and how you verbalize your boundaries - physical, as well as emotional.
And is it really about the bag? I think you answered this one. The bigger problem is the whole family dynamic - you versus them. When you say you are "tired of letting her get away with her selfish behavior" that is a clear opportunity screaming for you to be very direct with her, but in the most loving way possible. If she's acting childish and selfish, call it out. You passively absorbing this over and over again allows the process to continue.
I don't think you are overreacting at all, by the way. Family dynamics are often imbalanced and that imbalance continues the because the person who is getting the short end of the stick, pardon the metaphor, remains passively accepting of it. You mentioned, as well, that you feel like a "huge bitch," and I'm taking that to mean you feel bad for trying to set your own boundary and voice your own needs. My advice: embrace your inner bitch. They will adjust. If you sister allows her dogs to repeatedly assault you when you visit, don't go and tell her why. Explain everything. They are obviously very comfortable with this relational arrangement, so if you offer only an emotional reactive response, that probably won't get through. Always stay VERY calm, almost eerily calm, and explain things very matter-of-fact. "I will not come over if your dogs continue to destroy my personal possessions and assault me. They are dangerous." You get the point.
People are so crazy about their dogs, they expect everyone to love them as much as they do and to me it's really rude to let your dog jump all over someone.
I have a dog of my own and when my sister ( who is not fond of animals at all) comes over, I put my dog outside. I would never make my beloved sister whiff up dog smell and get jumped all over when I know how much she hates it.
You could also bring one of those bones they sell near the meat department and throw it on the floor as soon as you get there, so the dog runs to that instead of jumping all over you.
If those ideas don't work, I would stop going over there.
Sound like a straw/camel situation to me.
Will she let you do some basic training?
I had a big golden retriever..."touch insensitive" is what they called dogs like mine. Basically as long as I was saying "good dog", I could hit him as hard as I could, and he'd be wagging his tail like crazy!
What you do is get a leash, go out to an empty parking lot or field. And start walking/ running. The dog should start pulling on the leash. Then you, without warning, run HARD in the opposite direction as hard as you can. Keep switching directions. You should be knocking the dog off of his feet (or almost). He'll learn to look at you as you walk (heeling). All the time, you're saying "good dog, good dog".
Next you get food (with a big dog, like a retriever small pieces of cheese or hot dog work great). Put the food on the ground, pick a command word (I choose "leave"), the dog will go to eat it, before he does, hit the ground HARD and say "leave". Then choose a release word (I choose tequila, most in my dog group choose okay, but I found picking a more unusual word worked well), give the release word, and let the dog eat it.
Repeat over and over. I've found that I could get most dogs to leave food within a day, because the reinforcement is right away. It got to where my dog could balance a biscuit on his nose, then on command flip it into the air and eat it. At that point, everyone from kid to grandmother wanted to play with my dog...and it's the most reinforced command ever!
(Oh and "dogs" don't get trained...people get trained. My dog would do amazing things for me...he didn't do them for just anyone else. However I did have kids coming over to the house all of the time asking if he "could come out to play".)
About your sister. This sounds like about way more than just about the dogs. You and your sister are adults. It's not up to your parents to punish either one of you. If you've got an issue with her...talk to her.
My dog was my first child. My son was born on his birthday (yup, that day belonged to my dog first...that's the way it will always be). I don't expect you to put your child outside...I was hugely offended when people asked me to do that with my dog. I will always have had three children, one just had 4 legs and is no longer with me.
If dogs are just like our children. We would all be under arrest because we go to work, out visiting, shopping and we leave them alone in the back yard. or in the home alone. Can't do that with human children because they are not at all like dogs.
It is not going to hurt my dog to stay outside when my sister is here. We have the perfect set up, she can enter our exercise room through a doggy door so she has our big yard plus indoor shelter with her warm cozy crate and water
On Christmas eve my husband's family had their dogs in the mix. the big dog rubbed against me and my black leggings and my black suede boots. I was covered in fur. they have a mastiff. he is 8 months old. he was very heavy and sat on my feet. I wasn't thrilled and I LOVE dogs... I would have enjoyed myself more without him on my feet.
The little dog jumped up on the couch as my son was trying to eat his dessert. My son doesn't really even love up our non shedding poodle mix, so that ruined his appetite right there. He just put his pie down and didn't finish it.
At the end of the night the little dog was sick. too many people had dropped or fed the dog food.. not a good thing for pets to be wandering about, not only does it make some guests uncomfortable, but it's not good for the dog.
I say.. let fido make a presentation at the start of the gathering let everyone pat his head and then put the pets away. Unless of course they are the best behaved stay away from everyone pets you've ever seen. so far I haven't seen any of those. My own dog included.
when my husband's family is here I can leave her inside she doesn't go near them. When my sister is here, I put her away cause for some reason she will approach my side of the family, but not my husbands... ha ha.. my sister must give off a similar vibe to me. so if I didn't put her out she would beg food and act like a real pain, which is fine for me when it's just us, but I want my guests to be comfortable in my home.
You might have been deeply offended when someone asked you to put your dog out, but I was deeply offended when I went to buy a clock from a woman with a craig's list add... she had this hyper dog and he scratched my entire leg when he jumped on me. She just laughed when I showed her. we decided to buy her clock and she wanted cash so we went to the atm. before we came back into her house to pack up the clock and pay her, we insisted she put her dog in a room first so I wouldn't be scratched up
People who put their dog's want and "feelings" before the feelings of humans remind me of the character Buffalo Bill in the movie the silence of the lambs! ha ha.. while he murdered women as a serial killer.. he doted on his little white poodle! Don't know if you've seen the movie, but I always think of that character when I encounter people who put their pets wants ahead of people's feelings.
Just Sayin!
I'll say again, he was my first child. He could even put together two words. If I'd say (my dog's name) "Guard", Patti "Guard", George (my ex) Ride; then my dog knew that the two of us were staying home, and my ex was leaving in the car. He'd go over and lay down on his bed, while I helped load up the car...
My dog's feelings weren't "hurt" if he was excluded...MY feelings were.
And well, I've lived long enough to know that my feelings count.
As for people feeding a dog (or child) until it's sick...well they've got issues.
My dog had a cast iron stomach. He'd eat anything except Old Roy dog food and potato chips. He even sat and begged for cabbage I was cutting up. I threw the core into the yard and he ate it. (Says something about the nutritional value of potato chips...)
I get that not everyone sees their dogs as their children. But the people that do...don't change their minds after they have "human" children...or in 5 years...or 10. I'm forever grateful that my father got to meet my dog before my father died. He never got to see my human children.
As someone said, it's a boundary issue. You may have to have your sister at your own place, if you want it to be without her "kids". Your sister's entitled to her own boundaries at her own place. Respecting feelings goes both ways. Loving her dog doesn't make her a "huge bitch".
As for the reference to a fictional serial killer...I'll just let that pass.
If you don't like being around the dogs at your sisters house the only thing you can really do is perhaps host events yourself or politely ask if she's mind putting the dog on a leash when you come over and she may mind... as Shasta wrote people really love their dogs and some don't see their behaviour is as bad as it is
I have a 'wee' dog that jumps up as well and I put a leash on him when others come over... It changes their behaviour... they then know that you're in charge and will be a lot more obedient
I would 'pick your battles' so that things don't become a power struggle within the family... I don't know that your parents are necessarily defending her as much as they want to keep the peace at least in this instance that's what it looks like to me?...xo
Dogs are NOT like people... they are domesticated wild animals and to treat them like furry children, IMHO, is a disservice to both the humans and the dogs.
But back to the OP, this is not the problem; it's only a symptom to an ongoing dysfunctional relationship.
Maybe use the new year as a way to set better boundaries with her... say it's your resolution to yourself... not about her. (Even though it is...)
Good luck!
Talk to your sister. You've had a lot going on in your life lately.
And I again apologize for side tracking the thread. I didn't recognize your name from the Breakups and Divorce board. I wish that I knew the answer to help make it better, but I don't. Whatever my feelings about my dog, you matter. And I think that your sister would think so too.