Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I am currently happily married to my second husband and we have a 4 year old daughter together. My 15 year old son and 14 year old daughter from my previous marriage live with us. Their biological father does not want them.
A few days ago, my son and youngest daughter were home sick. I had to go to the office for a while and left them together at home. This is the first and last time I will ever do this. When I got home, my little girl told me that she and her brother were playing a game and she didnt like it.He had clearly told her not to tell because she hid behind the bed and whispered to me.
I could not look at my son or speak to him for days. He was away at a sleepover for some of the time this weekend. I can still barely look at him. On the day that this happened, he knew that my little girl had told me. He was overly helpful and offered to do chores, something that he never does otherwise. He called me aside and told me that his sister had sked him to touch her and that he didnt want to but that he did just to get her to leave him alone. I know that his is lying about this. I know that he knows that I know he is lying.
I told him that this was child molesting and that it was very very wrong. I told him that I would never be able to trust him near his sister again. I told him that I am sure he is going through hormonal changes and having strange feelings, etc, but that touching his sister was not NOT NOT NOT right.
I have not told anyone about what has happened. My husband will send my son away... I will lose my son... But what about the future of my daughter? Will she remember this? She acts normally around her brother, like nothing happened. What if he grows up to be a rapist or something else? I want to take care of my son, but I need to protect my daughter. We all need therapy as my family suffers from many different problems that I dont know how to handle. But therapy is not an option here in South Africa because of financial constraints. The next free psychologist appointment I can get at the govt hospital is in January 2014.
Is my daughter at risk from further abuse?
How can I help my son?
Should I tell my husband?
I have no one to talk to about this...
A few days ago, my son and youngest daughter were home sick. I had to go to the office for a while and left them together at home. This is the first and last time I will ever do this. When I got home, my little girl told me that she and her brother were playing a game and she didnt like it.He had clearly told her not to tell because she hid behind the bed and whispered to me.
I could not look at my son or speak to him for days. He was away at a sleepover for some of the time this weekend. I can still barely look at him. On the day that this happened, he knew that my little girl had told me. He was overly helpful and offered to do chores, something that he never does otherwise. He called me aside and told me that his sister had sked him to touch her and that he didnt want to but that he did just to get her to leave him alone. I know that his is lying about this. I know that he knows that I know he is lying.
I told him that this was child molesting and that it was very very wrong. I told him that I would never be able to trust him near his sister again. I told him that I am sure he is going through hormonal changes and having strange feelings, etc, but that touching his sister was not NOT NOT NOT right.
I have not told anyone about what has happened. My husband will send my son away... I will lose my son... But what about the future of my daughter? Will she remember this? She acts normally around her brother, like nothing happened. What if he grows up to be a rapist or something else? I want to take care of my son, but I need to protect my daughter. We all need therapy as my family suffers from many different problems that I dont know how to handle. But therapy is not an option here in South Africa because of financial constraints. The next free psychologist appointment I can get at the govt hospital is in January 2014.
Is my daughter at risk from further abuse?
How can I help my son?
Should I tell my husband?
I have no one to talk to about this...
Reading this hurt my heart deeply, for your daughter and for you their mother. Your son at 15 years old is definitely crying out for help, you are right he knows this is wrong so very wrong this is an absolute 'No go area' by any means.
I understand that finances etc are limited but there is always someone you can go to for help and it doesn't mean that drastic action will be taken. Social services can help your daughter and also your son, I know they get a lot of bad press but amongst that, there are some good guys. Your daughter's safety is paramount, at only 4 years old it would take very little for her to learn to "keep secrets".
Having boys myself as we'll as daughters, I know that my oldest would never of ever thought about playing the game your son did, even as hormonal as he was growing up, the thought of touching any of his sisters would never of entered his head.
I am not judging please let me make that clear. I do believe your son needs help too, sooner rather than later. Has his older sister ever mentioned any unusual behaviour? Has anyone ever hurt your son?
You really need to talk to someone yourself this is too big to try to take on board yourself, it will drive you crazy. You need support too. If you let me know a rough area of where you live I will do my very best to see what free services or people could help you.
Please know am thinking of you and your family and know that being here can help .
I would tell you that your first priority needs to be your 4 year old daughter. You need to ensure that something like this does not ever happen to her again. There's no way you can watch your sons behavior 24 hours a day. Every parent has a right to know what their children are doing and have done. It's a partnership and your husband has the right to know what happened to his daughter.
Your son needs therapy and he needs it now. Any child molester is sorry when they've been discovered. I wouldn't make that mistake again. What you feel is just a teen hormonal issue is obviously much more serious! I'm sure you love your son but you have the parental obligation to ensure that your daughter is protected from such curiosities by your son.
I don't know what the financial constraints would be but it's not worth putting your daughter at risk.
Absolutely, your husband needs to know. He has every right in a marriage to know what's happening in your/his home.
It's a difficult decision and only one that you can ultimately make. I wouldn't keep this inside and let it go. YOU will be sorry you did.
PD
2. Your son is sick and needs help.
3. You must protect your daughter.
4. Maybe your ex doesn't "want" to deal with his responsibilities, but I think it's time he does. I'd sue him for support and put the money towards therapy or an alternate placement facility for your son.
5. Do all of this IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner.
I personally would call the police and report him. I would do this because:
(1) He knows that this behavior is not okay in any way and you wont shield him from the consequences. Also, that he will get put in the juvenile court system, but will have the opportunity to get the services (therapy and treatment) available to juveniles that are not available to adults. And you can't afford much right now.
(2) If you dont call the police and send him for therapy, it will come out in therapy and I believe the therapist is obligated under the law to legally report to the police that your son sexually touched or penetrated your 4 year old daughter with fingers and it will look bad for you as parents to have not reported it. Child Protective Services would be called in and the risk of your daughter being removed would be increased.
Your daughter is not safe with your son under any circumstances. Also, he will do this again with your daughter or other kids and then it could have media involved. He will lie and manipulate and you need to get him charged and get him into the system and get him the help he needs.
If you dont charge him with the police, you are allowing him to get away with no consequences for what he did and setting him up for the future to do this again, and again, and again. You have to put your foot down and draw a line in the sand when it comes to behavior like this. Im sorry youre going through this. Your son knows this is wrong, and he knew it was wrong all along, but he did it anyway. Please act on it for your daughter and all the kids in your neighborhood. Many hugs.
This is going to really turn your house upside down, but you must for safety's sake. Your son must leave and go to some in-house treatment center to get some intense therapy. This is not just little 'oops.'
I'd say that counseling needs to be a priority in any case!!
Yes, a four year old would NOT lie about something like that. They don't even know to make up something like that. Add that the son's been acting cagey, and you CAN be certain.
To even THINK that it's the 4 year old and not the 15 year old is classic "blame the victim" mentality that one needs to avoid.
There are no hormones raging in a 4 year old. And incest/intersibling abuse isn't about hormones raging.
I completely overlooked that the family lives in South Africa. It means laws will be different than the U.S. I have no idea what the laws are.
It will also then be your fault if he ever touches another kid again. You don't want that on your head, do you? It also may be the LAW that you turn him in!
If you follow this link you may choose to read a very recent post where an 18 year old male abused his step-sister:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/parents-whose-children-have-been-sexually-abused
You cannot keep this a secret from your daughter's father ... even if he was a recent boyfriend who now lives in the home. Open discussion is the only way to maximize your children's interests. Of course, not knowing all the other family issues complicates things.
Him knowing that you know he is lying is one thing ... pointing it out to him is another.
Your real choice now is whether or not you will show him love and support to get help. Your best course of action is to trust the professionals:
- they will insist that your son moves out
- they will insist that your son does not see your daughter for an extended period of time
There's some other questions that only discussion can answer, such as what lead your son to do this and whether your older daughter has something to add.
If your son feels support from you (towards getting things better) then he is more likely to open up to you; but try to remain honest (it will be a tough road before things get better).
Some parents cannot continue supporting both children; this is a call that you will have to make.
Peace