Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group

This community is dedicated to parents, siblings, grandparents, other relatives and friends of someone who is Bipolar. The purpose of this community is to help families and friends develop greater patience and understanding, as well as maintain a positive, caring relationships with those diagnosed as Bipolar.

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/ Family & Friends of Bipolar Support Group

Need advice

maddyc0907
maddyc0907

My boyfriend of 2 years has bipolar depression. He was very open to me about it from the beginning of our relationship and tried his best to warn me of certain signs of stages that he goes through. I have also done a lot of research to try to better understand what he goes through on a daily basis. I will never be able to completely understand but i always try my best to be there for him even when i don't understand why he feels what he does. At first he communicated very well and always warned me before he got super down so i would know to expect some changes in the way he acts and feels towards me. Lately, he has been very distant and pushing me away. He barely talks to me anymore to the point where i can't even be there for him anymore. On top of this, we have a long distance relationship. We live 12 hours away from each other so we have to rely on phone communication most of the time. We see each other monthly for a week at a time. Right now, he thinks i don't love him and won't answer me, talk to me, or tell me how he feels. i don't know how to deal with it or what to do because i don't want him to feel like i'm better with out him. he's left me before out of guilt for not wanting to put me through hard times and thinks i deserve better. right now it feels mine our relationship is one-sided and that he puts in no effort but i know it only feels like that right now because of what he has no control over. i'm never going to give up on him, i'm still learning how to deal with it myself just like he is. just need some advice on how to approach this situation. i feel like if i give him space then he will feel like i don't care or love him. but if i keep pushing him to communicate and talk to me he will see i'm stressed and hurting and leave me because he thinks it's his fault and i'm better with out him. He cycles around the end of the year very bad, the rest of the year he's quite stable with only days on occasion that he gets down. 

Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Has he been prescribed medication for it and is he taking it? Bipolar is a life-long disorder that requires daily medication. Sometimes the first couple of medications tried do not work adequately and the person may have to change medications, often more than once, before finding the right one or combinations of medications that work.

Do you know where he stands with meds?

Long distance relationships can also be extremely difficult to maintain. They have their own layers of frustration and depression/stress that can make things worse. My husband has BP2, and when we were in a LDR it was hard going. Despite daily messages and chats, it was still very difficult.

I'm sorry you're having these problems.

Hugs,
Martha
maddyc0907
maddyc0907
right now, he does not go to therapy or take any meds. he has is the past. he says the side affects are too much for him. i’ve done research and know he needs to just keep trying harder to find the right one.. but i can only do so much, i can’t force him to do anything and it’s only so much more hard since i can’t be there everyday. he doesn’t have a lot of support where he lives. thank you for youre reply, it means a lot
mlr0853
mlr0853
Hi.... this medication was an answer ""for me""...zoloft and lamictal combined....the best combination I have had with the least amount of side effects. BP2, I deal mostly from depressive symptoms.

"Guilt, deserving better, one sided relationship,no effort, :but "I" know it only feels like that right now because of what he has no control over."

Sorry, your boyfriend is 'taking control over', he's making the choice to not see a therapist, a psychiatrist and not take medications.

I agree with Martha, long distance relationships. I grew up in an alcoholic environment and became very co-dependent....wanting to take care of, to fix, to smooth over any given situation to avoid conflict.

You are right that you've no control over him and what he does. Please focus on you, meet your needs first....this illness can be challenging, day to day in relationships.

Best to you.
Jules3552
Jules3552
Hi Maddy. I can relate to where you're at and I know it's really frustrating. The moods can cause a lot of anxiety for us (being on the receiving end). I try to give mine space and I've worked really hard on trying not to take it personally. I have to distract myself and try to focus on doing something for me or the anxiety will overtake me. Have you asked him what he needs the most when he is in that mode? He may not know, Hang in there. Try to take care of you and get the support you need while he is distant! Let me know if you want to chat more!
maddyc0907
maddyc0907
thanks for all your replies. he finally got out of bed and texted me. instantly was saying sorry and that he’s a burden. i tried to explain you never need to say sorry and he’s not a burden whatsoever. we are talking and communicating now, he’s trying to explain his feelings to me. he comes here december 11th for a week. hopefully then i can show him that me talking to people is helping me so much that maybe he will see that it can help him too and get the help he needs.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Not dealing with bipolar disorder is a burden Maddy... It is a disorder and needs medical treatment

Ignoring that is no good and there will never be stability …. Working with the disorder is the kindest thing that he can do for himself and for you.... You can't beat it because you want to.... So finding treatment that works is the right thing for all of us that have this

Meds have side effects... True .. However some are much less then others and you work with you doctor to find what works for you... It's not a quick fix... It takes time, perseverance and some effort.... Big hug.... I hope that he'll do what he needs to in order to be a healthy guy.....xo
urbangardener
urbangardener
Maddy, you might find it more helpful to realize he has to make the changes necessary to have a peaceful and pleasant life with you. You can be supportive, kind, loving, positive but any issues he has with his mental health are his to take care of or not take care of. We can love someone who refuses to take their physical or mental health seriously. We can love them but still decide the relationship is not good for us because of their issues. Or we can keep pushing and trying to fix them when they won't fix themselves. It is hard sometimes to realize we have no power or control to change them. You can't make him think or feel something even if your love is as great as a mountain. It is not giving up on someone to put one's own emotional health first. Sometimes we have to step back and really look at the big picture. If someone refuses total care of themselves (physical or mental health wise), life with them can be very roller coaster ride like. We may choose to ride that ride for the incredible high spots and then despair when we get to the low spots. Sometimes we get off the ride to save ourselves. Sometimes we have to step back and focus on our own lives and fixing our own stuff within our heads. Gives the other person a bit of breathing room from our expectations of them.
Spouseneedinghelp
Spouseneedinghelp
So sorry you're going through this! I've talked about this with my husband's therapist because he goes through those stages as well. She said she thinks he has a fear of abandonment and losing me so he just tries to push me away first.
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