Families of SOs Community Group
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thestanding
Basically I feel like a lunatic. Like I'm losing my mind. It's as if I'm just waiting for the moment I explode and forget who I am and what I've ever done.
I'm married to an SO. And at first I could handle it. Yet it keeps getting harder and deeper. I've forgotten everything that made me feel like I could take on the world. I've become a completely different person, I don't recognize my own face or actions anymore. I keep doing rude, selfish, weird things that I never would have done.
I know I need help. I want help. I even work at a place where I can get free counseling. But I refuse to get it. I don't trust anyone. I can't go get the help I need because I just know that when I tell this random counselor that my husband is an SO, he will look for anything to report to the authorities. And especially since my husband still has contact with his victim, and in fact they're really close to each other (which inflicts a whole different kind of pain on me, but that's a different dramatic story I'll spare everyone of), I'm so afraid that a therapist would take something I say the wrong way and would love to report it. The last thing I want is for my husband to go back to jail.
So I thought maybe I could go get help and just leave out a few details such as the fact that he still has legal contact with the victim, but then I'd be lying to yet another person. And I already have to lie to friends, family, and anyone else I've ever loved. My husband is not abusing anyone, he's not addicted to porn, in fact he's not doing anything illegal at all. It's just...... super complicated as I'm sure all of you are intertwined with your own hell of confusion and torment. I have nothing to hide and yet I'm just so convinced that the therapist will find someway to twist my words and report a complete lie to send my husband to prison.
I'm married to an SO. And at first I could handle it. Yet it keeps getting harder and deeper. I've forgotten everything that made me feel like I could take on the world. I've become a completely different person, I don't recognize my own face or actions anymore. I keep doing rude, selfish, weird things that I never would have done.
I know I need help. I want help. I even work at a place where I can get free counseling. But I refuse to get it. I don't trust anyone. I can't go get the help I need because I just know that when I tell this random counselor that my husband is an SO, he will look for anything to report to the authorities. And especially since my husband still has contact with his victim, and in fact they're really close to each other (which inflicts a whole different kind of pain on me, but that's a different dramatic story I'll spare everyone of), I'm so afraid that a therapist would take something I say the wrong way and would love to report it. The last thing I want is for my husband to go back to jail.
So I thought maybe I could go get help and just leave out a few details such as the fact that he still has legal contact with the victim, but then I'd be lying to yet another person. And I already have to lie to friends, family, and anyone else I've ever loved. My husband is not abusing anyone, he's not addicted to porn, in fact he's not doing anything illegal at all. It's just...... super complicated as I'm sure all of you are intertwined with your own hell of confusion and torment. I have nothing to hide and yet I'm just so convinced that the therapist will find someway to twist my words and report a complete lie to send my husband to prison.
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You are not a lunatic or crazy, just overwhelmed.
On the issue of contact between your husband and his victim, if this contact is illegal in your state then he either needs to stop or you need to seriously consider whether he is truly worth staying with. Some states have laws which can make you an accessory if he is caught (assuming the contact is illegal). I think you already know your emotional upheavals and stress are (in part) caused by feelings of love and or support of your husband and your marriage versus the pain you feel when seeing him & his victim being close. If after doing time for whatever his SO charge was and he's still involved with his victim this would raise some serious warning signs for me and I would take steps to make sure I'm insulated and protected from his actions. A whole different matter is the victim..if under 18 then that creates a whole new set of problems..if over 18 then you'll have to decide whether you want to stay with your husband or move on; a decision I would not make until you decide to get some help.
On a personal note: I dated a woman who had a uncontrolled 17 year old daughter. Even against my better judgement I decided to date the woman. Within 1 month the daughter made several sexual flirtations towards me. I ended the relationship. This is not on the same level nor depth or your marriage but I thought I'd mention it because my freedom is more important than a relationship. I wish you well and hope for the best for everyone involved.
Getting help for you is top priority , though. You are doing the right thing. I wish you the best and hope you will keep us up to date on how you are doing.
about your hub and relationship with victim . if you go to counceling their main concern will be the victim if you mention your husband or anything about the victim . just be prepared. if he is having relationship with victim and its against the law , he may end up in bad trouble and it will lead to more stress on you then you already have . i wish the best for you and hope everything gets better for you .
sometimes i felt like running away myself and not think about all this , but the other half of me says no dont do it you love your hub and he needs you and you need him , you made a covenant when you got married . thru sick health death, rich poor to death do we part . and knows GOD will get us thru all we have to get thru and we will be ok ...