11 pages of disrespect??
Your doing nothing wrong if anything your doing the best you can with what you got.
Do what October said to do and I don't think I would even bother to answer that letter it will upset you more.
My love was falsely accused as well his never taken it out at me...yes his pissed off but he doesn't aim that at me.
Send him what Rew said his right on about it.
Hugs.

i have to say i am a girlfriend of a inmate that is always wondering how am doing mentally, physically and financially. He is always grateful for whatever i can put on his account. He knows the struggles i am facing on the outside. He always asks how the house is, car etc. how i am doing.

In my experience, some inmates do "get it" and are thankful for all the help they can get. These are usually the ones that take prison in stride and don't allow themselves to be too upset by being in prison.

Other inmates are so consumed with being in prison that they lose sight of any perspective. The become thoughtless and selfish. These are the guys that "let the time do them" instead "of them doing the time."

Some people just have a harder time serving time in prison than others. Maybe it is maturity, maybe it is taking things in perspective, or maybe they are just cut out that way. Some guys just don't do time well at all.

rewdiazepam

Nonesue,
I am also a girlfriend of a man who is always concerned about my struggles. I probably shouldn't have been so quick to respond this morning because I have never been disrespected by my guy. He is always grateful for whatever I am able to do.
I've had a bad week financially - medical bills rolling in from an emergency surgery in June, car in the shop and then my house got struck by lightning knocking out a bunch of stuff. When bf called today, he asked what was going on and then he expressed concern about my financial situation and told me not to put anything on his account or send any thing until I felt like I could handle it. He even asked about the phone calls - were they too much? We agreed on what I felt I could afford for now.

So Nicole, yeah, if he sent you 11 pages of disrespect, let him know you're done putting money on the account until
He can show some gratitude for all you're doing.

I also have a husband in prison. I have written him EVERY SINGLE DAY for 3 years now. I've not missed one visit, including every holiday. He calls me every night. I've gone way above what I think is expected of a prisoner's wife. And I do it all because he thanks me daily, tells me how much he appreciates all I do, how sorry he is for the stupid mistake he made. There is NO WAY...no way I'd do all this if he didn't. If he ever said to me what yours said to you, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. I turn down nights on the town, struggle to stay afloat financially, take the scorn and ridicule that comes with loving a sex offender. I'm paying for his crime. Without me, he has absolutely nothing. I could take everything he owns and run. And many wives do. He needs you a lot more than you need him right now. Listen to REW and send him his letter. He better learn how good he's got it before it's gone!

When my father first went into prison he wrote me horrible letters screaming for money but I was already taking care of my aging mother that he had left behind. I guess I don't understand what they need money for. I will not send him money to buy cigarettes. He can just do without and quit smoking. I am not going to talk to him on the phone and he can't call my mother, she does not have a landline. What is the money used for? Just phone calls and letter writing materials?

The jail my hubby was in, provided soap, deoderant, a comb, a toothbrush and toothpaste...that's if you were indignant. If you have to see the nurse for a headache, the pills are like $5. The air in there is dry and the inmates often have really dry rough skin, so lotion is helpful, but it's something you have to buy. Snack foods, because they don't give you much food, for your meals, is also nice. And yes, writing paper, phone calls etc.

With my hubby, we waited and had the jail provide the aforementioned basics, then I put $25 in his account every 2 weeks or so. Out of that, he made phone calls, wrote me letters, got lotion, and the occasional snack.

We were lucky, I was able to donate paperbacks to the jail and they went to his unit first so he had plenty to read, and the jail had some TV channels.

I just want to say to EVERYONE on this board whether you posted some advice now or whether you plan to wait until later on, that please believe I have taken the time to read every post you left and all of you had very good advice for me(as usual) you guys are the best and I love how you are always so open and honest you don't just give random advice you really take the time to think it out because you do realize that these are actual relationships we are talking about.
I have taken into consideration all that you have said and the bottom line is that yes I am doing the best I can at home and also with trying to support him in prison. I have been thinking long and hard about this before I posted my question. I believe the best thing to do would be to continue to send what I can BUT SEND NO LETTERS AND READ NO LETTERS HE SENDS (JUST FOR A WHILE) what do you all think?

Being a former inmate, I think you need to just cool it and not write him for a while. Show him in no uncertain terms that he cannot treat you like a door mat.

Don't allow him to disrespect you. Send him a message. Let him do some hard thinking about all this.

He won't like not receiving any letters, but hey---you don't like 11 page letters telling you how worthless you are either. We don't always get what we like in this world.

I am sure he has heard the old prison saying-----"to get respect, you have to give respect." I am sure he feels that way in there. Let him practice what he preaches. Remind him of this the next time he gets huffy.

Maybe the absence of letters and communication will teach him to appreciate you as a wife and someone who is doing their best to help.

It is also best to cool it for a while and allow some of this anger to blow over.

rewdiazepam

I think that continuing to send money shows your kindness, which may be scarce where he is, and calling a halt to the written communication shows your backbone. Good for you.

@blondemom85: I see you found us. Welcome.

We're here for you,stay strong! I think continuing to send what you think is reasonable, and discontinuing contact for a while it's a good thing for you to do, like some others have said. I would probably tell him in a brief and to the point letter why though,so there isn't just an abrupt halt in communication without clarity as to why. that could possibly lead to more resentment and acting out on his part.it's OK, and healthy to set boundaries! What rew said it's right, but just like he said, some guys don't do well as others managing psychologically in prison.

My heart goes out to you. It was a bit challenging to read this thread. I don't know what my future holds once the trial is over. Short of a major miracle, he won't be out...and I am don't really think he should be. He says G-d told him he will be restored completely to his family and out of jail within two years...the end of which comes up next February. What will he be like if/when he finds out he heard incorrectly? I have no idea. I hope he will be grateful for any connection.

I offer hugs. I have no real advice. I think you have gotten excellent words from others.

Deena

My problem is that I have an attitude too, I hate anyone telling me what to do...it feels like major disrespect. Combine that with a man in prison who hates knowing that everyone will be telling him what to do, when to get up, when to eat, where to sh*t and what to wear...for years on end. Being told what to do makes him feel like less of a man in relation to a woman he loves and who loves him enough to visit .And who else can he bitch about and try to contro l?

Two attitudes are not better than one! It's a really bad combination for both of you to deal with. I'd say hang in...after a while if things don't shake out or if they turn violent or he gives you an if/ or else ultimatum threatening to dump you for some 'pen pal" Then I'd say make the best f your opportunity and leave, A woman is always safer when the man thinks he's punishing her by leaving her for crap he doesn't like than if he gets the idea you're rejecting him because you prefer a life without his BS..

If it comes to that, you can always tell him you are sorry he doesn't want to be with you etc etc...and take him up on his ultimatum when YOU are ready. Just because he is willing to cut off his nose to spite his face doesn't mean you have to let him trigger your anger into "agreeing' to his rejection before you are sure you are ready.

Keep the nasty letters he sends you. They will be useful in divorce court or in custody battles if you do decide you want the house and the kids and are ready to shed the burdens of a relationship that' you decide is going nowhere. His threats and ultimatums/ his "if you don't ...or else...that" boxes him in. Once you realize that whether or not you take him up on all this is more your choice than his, you can step back, take a deep breath not end up feeling so disrespected when he spouts off because he's frustrated, incarcerated and not in control of most of his life.

So, if it was me, I'd let things slide for a while, do what you reasonably can do and if that's not enough make your own decisions based on whats best for you. But let him think it was his decision and you wish he hadn't thrown you and this relationship away! Stay or leave, it's a way to keep your head up.

My family member would give anything to have his wife on his side. Commissary is the least of his worries. Fortunately for him, though, other family members are helping him out. You may want to ask other members of the family or his friends for help. Explain to them that you are barely making ends meet so if they can even send him $10 here and there, it's a help. After that letter he sent you, though, I would probably mail him monopoly money and a get out of jail free card and call it a day. Then again, I have a sarcasm streak in me.

Also, sometimes guys get themselves in a bind in prison and "owe" other prisoners commissary items and if they can't pay it back, they can get themselves hurt. I don't know if this is the case, but he may be desperate to pay someone back and he's taking his fear out on you which is totally wrong. "They" say, If you can't pay your debts back in prison, you never borrow anything. In any case, demand respect, you deserve it. I pray things work out for you.