He gets what you can give and that's it. He'll just have to get over it.

Nicole,
Early on in this process I talked to a young man who served eight years. He told me that one of the things he had to learn was that there are two sides to this coin: the struggles of the people on the inside and the struggles of those on the outside. He said, at first, he was so consumed with his own issues - why isn't there money in my account? why didn't I get a letter today? Why don't they answer the phone? - that he forgot that the people on the outside were struggling too. He said that sometimes it's hard for each side to understand what the other is going through. Especially for the man in prison - I don't believe he means to disrespect you. He is just so focused on what it takes to get through every day that he forgets what you're going through.

That being said - you're not doing anything wrong! You are doing everything in your power to keep life going and bills paid on this side. All while trying to support your husband both emotionally and financially. Sometimes when you are trying to make ends meet you come up short and there's no money left over. An unfortunate fact of life.

Are there other family members who could help? Does your husband have parents, siblings, friends who might be willing to help once in a while? One of the things that I found was that family members that didn't want to visit, to write, or to take phone calls would be willing to put $20 on his account. Sounds strange, but it was impersonal, didn't require them much effort but it was a way they were willing to contribute.

I'm sure you are hurt; it would be impossible not to feel that way. Let him know how you feel. Don't get angry but tell him that you know he is in a difficult situation but that you are doing the best you can and that letter really hurt your feelings and made you feel disrespected. He may just be so caught up in his own world, trying to adjust and survive day by day that he may not realize how hurtful that was. Commissary means everything to these guys. It carries with it a lot of meaning - so much more than just the ability to buy soup or deodorant or stamps. Hopefully, with time, he'll be able to establish a balance between what he feels he needs and what you're able to give him.

In the meantime, take care of yourself . You are doing a great job. This is hard - no doubt about it.

Iris

Nicole,

Your husband is acting like a childish spoiled brat. He needs to man up and do his time and quit whining and complaining.

You have not done anything wrong. He is being unreasonable, mean-spirited, and hurtful. He is showing absolutely no consideration for you or your feelings.

I saw inmates do that and it drove me crazy. I would see guys get on the phone and talk to their wives or girlfriends like dogs, yelling and screaming. It just really irritated me.

Here is a lady who has had the courage and dedication---and love----to be faithful and stick with a guy in prison and he treats her like some slave.

When a guy is in prison he has to be thankful for every person that ever writes, him them to call them, or visits. Prison is not a place to be a tyrant.

Instead of hurting you, he should be telling you what a wonderful wife you are and how much he cares about you.

As far as the finances, I am sure you are doing the best you can. Money does not grow on trees out here. I am sure prison is tough, but you are having no picnic either.

Here is what inmates do not understand---and maybe don't care----about their families, their wives, mothers, or girlfriends. Even though prison is unpleasant, they do not have any real responsibilities. An inmate gets up, goes to work, comes back to the cell, and that is about it. He does not have to worry about laundry, getting fed, earning a living, going to the doctor, etc., because it is all there for him. Really all he has to do is be there.

A wife on the outside does not have it so easy. She has to get up, fix breakfast for her and her children, go to work, pay the bills, keep a roof over her head, do the laundry, keep the car running, make sure the lawn is mowed, keep the house in working order PLUS if she has children, they must be fed, little Johnny must be sent to school, small Suzy has things she must do also.
Does the inmate have to stay up half the night when one of the kids get sick? Nope, no children. He lets mama on the outside do that.

Does the inmate have to deal with his wife having to drive five or six hours to see him in an old rattle trap car? Nope, not his responsibility to see the car is in running order with enough gasoline to make the trip.

Does the inmate have to set aside money each month to send to someone else? Nope, everything is take care of him on the inside.

Does the inmate have to worry about being ridiculed by other people because of his charges? Does the inmate worry about being shunned? Nope, not in there. The woman and family takes all the heat.

The women are collateral damage and they have been placed in a position they never asked for. This is not an easy road.

I could go on and on, but I won't.

The family does the time with the inmate BUT the family has even more responsibilities.

The women have it pretty damn tough out here working and supporting an inmate, but they do it because they LOVE them.

He could at least reciprocate and show some of that LOVE back.

rewdiazepam

PS Nicole, you can print this out and send it to him. Tell him it was written by a guy who was locked up for many years, but this guy "gets it" and understands. He apparently doesn't.

Nicole,

The fact that he is in prison and innocent is no real excuse.

I knew innocent men in prison and they did not take their anger and bitterness out on those trying to help. They were grateful for every letter, every phone call, and every visit.

One problem is that sometimes inmates allow prison to change them.

I must be cut out differently, but prison never really bothered me that much. I hated the criminal justice system, but prison was not difficult. It was a waste of eight years, but it is not as if they torture you in there.

Nicole, you just do the best you can. If it is not good enough for him, well, that is just too bad. You can do no more than you are doing now.

rewdiazepam

Rew, thanks for what you wrote above. My two incarcerated sons are always very grateful for all I do for them, so I'm not in Nicole's shoes. However, this whole thing does weigh heavily on me...every single day. It's so nice to read your reassuring words that our efforts are appreciated.

hi Nichole!
I had this issue a bit with my bf when he first went in. I had to remind him that his basic needs were being taken care of by mine weren't, those exact words! I then out lined my current bills (because I'd had to move because of everything) and remind him of my income. that helped him put things in perspective. I'm lucky though that his parents have picked up his financial needs.
another suggestion... is he taking any antidepressants? with everything going on with him he could use the help they provide. here in Texas we have to pay for the meds but they're very reasonable and the difference it makes is huge! just a thought...

In the case of mothers, it is not only the financial drain, but the emotional burden.

They have carried a child from inception until the nine months the child is born. The mother has nurtured the child from when he was an infant, throughout middle school, to high school, to adulthood. She has provided, worried about him, and hoped he would have a better life than she did.

Then he is sent to one of the most feared places in society----prison. Not knowing anything about prison and only knowing what she has seen on TV, she is horrified and scared beyond belief with the thought of her son going there.

It usually works out OK, but just think of the emotional burden it places on the mother. All the tears, the sleepless nights, and the sadness that we have all experienced are just a part of this long, winding journey.

I don't think people realize what a family goes through with a loved one in prison.

I do because I saw it with my own eyes.

Mother deserve a lot of respect----a lot more than me or any other inmates I have ever known deserve.

rewdiazepam

I'll get all this together in a minute. ha ha

When I was in prison I was a tutor, so I had a lot of contact with inmates, especially young African American inmates. I was sort of a mentor to a lot of the younger guys and we talked about a lot of things other than reading and literacy.

One thing that struck me was these youngsters ALWAYS talked bout "my mama." They adored their mother. This was especially true with the young black inmates I knew and talked to.

But, in the case of the young, African American inmates, you never heard a peep out of them about their father. They never mentioned him at all, and if I ever brought up their father, they would say only one or two words about him.

I got the feeling that many of the young men in prison never knew their father and in the case of the blacks, the fathers got their mother pregnant and then ran off.

But these inmates worshipped their mother.

rewdiazepam

Rew, your messages are always so helpful and wise. Thank You.

I'd tell him to take a flying leap, but that's just me. He ought to be GRATEFUL that you're sending anything...innocent or not. He ought to be worried about you, and your welfare.

Yeah, I get that he has some needs, my hubby was in for a bit, and I put in $25 every other week or so. he was able to get what he NEEDED and make a phone call here and there.

I guess what ticks me off, is his attitude towards you....

Maybe you've already done this, but you might put your income and expenses on a spreadsheet or a chart to let him see exactly what you've got to work with, what's getting paid and what isn't. I wouldn't spend any more words or emotions on this until after he gets his reality check. Don't make excuses or accusations; just be matter-of-fact in your response and give it a little time to sink in. Do NOT let him make you feel bad or guilty or careless.

Amen Rew! I couldn't have said it better.

On one hand if he is truly innocent then I get the frustration he must be feeling, on top of the stress of being in prison. But that gives him no right to treat you the way he has. Words often hurt a lot more than a hand and heart g what he said must have killed you inside. You're out here dealing with so much. The fact that he can't see that is extremely troubling. I would avoid him for a while. Tell him to work while he's in there to make some money. Don't send much, if any and see if he changes his tune. He needs to grow up.

I don't mean to offend you in any way but it just posses me off when people think what we are going through is easy. They just dismiss us like it's no big deal. Having a husband (or any loved one) go into prison is almost worse than them dying in that there just is no end.

@NicoleDavis: Wow. I am absolutely amazed at your husband's perspective. I agree with Rew 100%. Your husband needs to stop whining. You are doing all you can, and your family @home is the first priority.

11 pages in a letter that disrespects you? That's what he does? He should be grateful for you helping him and not cutting him off 100% given the circumstances.

My apologies for the misspellings in my post...my phone is just stupid sometimes!