Deciding what and whom to trust is tough in any circumstances. I struggle trusting myself to know what is best for me. To help me learn how to work through this, I attend S-Anon (sanon.org) which is for friends and families of sexaholics. You are not alone. I have learned not to make any major decisions for 6 months so I can get some perspective and not be reactionary. Sometimes choosing to wait to make a decision is making a decision. I have also learned I have to remind myself to breathe so I will slow down my thinking and my actions. If you want a listening ear, I am here. Blessings!

I’m trying to wait and just see the evidence as hard as that might be. My brain has a hard time calming down when it doesn’t have answers so I’m having a difficult time not getting any and being ok with that for now. It’s been really hard because I’ve had both the accuser and the detective that arrested him shoving the idea that he is guilty down my throat when they came to see me. It almost felt like I was being manipulated so that I would say something bad about him, but there’s nothing bad to say. I told the truth about him being a wonderful man. I haven’t seen any proof that he is in fact guilty. Everything about this goes against the person that I know and love. He’s always been very kind, gentle, compassionate and caring. He has a strong, loving relationship with his family and his kids. Every time that I have seen him at visitation he has just been a complete mess. He’s lost weight and can’t sleep. He seems lost and just doesn’t know how he’s supposed to fight something this big.

I completely understand and can relate. I bet you’ve lost weight, too. I would really like to suggest you focus on what you need to do next for you - one thing at a time. More will be revealed which is out of your control. I would also like to suggest personal counseling. I know I need to dump on someone who is unbiased and wants the best for me. Remember, breathe!

I have. The first few days I could barely sleep or eat. I’m slowly starting to get a little better about those things. I have also already gotten back in with my counselor. I hadn’t seen her in over a year and when she heard that I was trying to make an appointment she must have figured out that it was urgent since I hadn’t been there so long because she got me right in. It definitely did help to unload on someone that isn’t directly involved with any of the people involved. She said that I seem to be dealing with my emotions and grief in a healthy way and that I just need to worry about the now. That I need to stop looking for answers and stop thinking about what may happen and just feel things and make decisions as they come.

Lostlonely,

You said, “It’s been really hard because I’ve had both the accuser and the detective that arrested him shoving the idea that he is guilty down my throat when they came to see me. It almost felt like I was being manipulated so that I would say something bad about him, but there’s nothing bad to say.”

The detective is using the same psychology they use in interrogations. They want to interview the wife, mother, or the person closest to the offender, hoping they will say something---anything---they can take out of context---or even twist---to make the accused look guilty. I am sure the detective was very nice to you and buttered you up, wanting some juicy information he could take back to the prosecutor.

The detective only wanted to further the state’s case. He WAS and IS NOT your friend, so you would be best served to never talk to anyone in law enforcement about this incident. If they come around, simply tell them you have nothing to say. THERE IS NO REQUIREMENT THAT YOU TALK TO THE POLICE.

Some people may say, “If I don’t talk to the police and at least say something, they will think he is guilty for sure OR they will get aggravated with me. I have news for folks----Once arrested, they already think the offender is guilty and they don’t care at all about the offender or his family. They already do not particularly like you, so there is no need to fall into their trap.

Law enforcement are NOT humanitarians. They make arrests---and little else. They are not your friends.

Another tactic law enforcement will use is a “divide and conquer” strategy. They will tell the mother, wife, or GF things that may not even be true in an attempt to turn that person against the offender.

NEVER---never----talk to the police. They will try to make you think they are your friends, while plunging a dagger through your heart. Cops will even tell you not to talk to law enforcement.

https://tinyurl.com/ycc54hnu

rewdiazepam

That’s is exactly how it felt...he started off with “after talking to both of them there is no doubt in my mind that he’s guilty” he then proceeded to tell me that I was a victim too and that if he could offer me any help to let him know...I just felt completely manipulated. Even though what I told him was the truth, the entire time I felt pressure like something may not come out right and could be twisted as you said. I wasn’t aware that I didn’t have to talk to him until after the fact but I know that I won’t be talking to him again.

Many people, especially with sex offenses, have never had any previous contact with LE---law enforcement----and are naïve about the criminal justice system. Many people have also been brought up to believe that the police are there to help us.

Detectives and investigators take advantage of the naivety and use it against the citizen. It just burns my butt when I hear that a young man, naïve to the system, is told by the police, “Just tell us your story, as we are trying to help you,” or “We just want to get this straightened out,” or “if you level with us we will talk to the prosecutor and he will make things easier on you.”

LE knows damn well they are lying when they tell suspects such nonsense. Remember, a suspect is still an innocent man and it disturbs me how LE preys on the innocent and naïve.

LE will either use the “good cop, bad cop” routine or they will attempt to convince the accused that they are helping him just to get him to talk. And talking always leads to statements that can be taken out of context, which is used against the accused.

Some people still believe that LE is always the “good guys.” If they are such great human beings and good guys, then why do we, as citizens, have to use our Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination to protect ourselves from some of these thugs??

Wrongful convictions do not happen in a vacuum, In almost all the cases of wrongful convictions there has been either prosecutorial or police misconduct.

At one time, prosecutors had the public believing that they were doing a great job convicting the evildoers of society and that very few men were wrongfully convicted. But then came along that pesky concept called DNA which changed everything. With all the DNA exonerations, we now see what a lousy job prosecutors have been doing for years.

Regarding LE, at one time, the police had the public believing that everyone was treated with respect by the police and that they were doing a great job of protecting the community. Then came along cell phones---with cameras---which gave someone the ability to film some of these arrests. Now we see that LE has been browbeating---and even murdering---citizens for years.

rewdiazepam

When I spoke with him, he said that when they arrested him they kept asking him to just tell him what happened and that he told them he didn't know what they were talking about. He claims that he didn't tell them anything or give them any statements, but I know how hard it is to not say anything when they are coming at you from my own interaction.

I was supposed to be considered a "secondary victim" to what has happened and yet I felt like a suspect when I was being asked questions regarding him. If that is how a "witness" or "victim" is treated, I can only imagine how it must feel to be on the other end as a suspect. I know that when I spoke to the officer, even though I was giving honest answers I felt that somehow if they came out wrong they could be twisted and taken out of context.

You don't realize the ambiguity of a crime like this until you are thrown in the middle of it. I was one of those people that was quick to judge when you see someone arrested of a sex crime. This is in part because I dealt with someone forcing themselves on me and so you want to believe the victim. But, then you're placed in this situation between two people that you love and care about and have to know that one of them is lying and one is telling the truth.

How do you just condemn someone that you love and that you've only seen good and kind things from and shut them out of your life when you've seen nothing to prove that they have actually done this horrible thing? People tell me to cut him out of my life and just start moving on, but I know that the love and happiness that I have with him is real. It may have co-existed with this darker part of him that I didn't know about, that remains to be seen, but there is good in this man.

I know that in cases like these, it's often guilty until proven innocent in the public's eyes and also in the eyes of the detectives investigating it. I know how easy it is to twist someone's words...it makes me fear for the life of this person I love if he's innocent.

If he did this, I agree that he should have to serve his time for his crimes, but I also know that he is more than the person that committed said crimes. He is capable of love, compassion, gentleness....but no one else will ever see that the way I do.

Rew,
My husband has fallen into that trap of thinking the police officers are his friends. When they came to our house and told him they had enough to arrest him and pretty much buttered him up and said because he agreed to talk to them and cooporate fully that they weren't taking him in. Plus he handed over his phone immediately.
Now since it's been 3 months and he hasn't heard anything(the investigation is still on going), he thinks that they aren't going to come to our door and arrest him. He thinks they're nice and will send him a warrant in the mail for his arrest????? WTF????
I am totally flabergasted at his way of thinking. He thinks they're of the mindset that his case is not a priority and thats why they haven't arrested him.
I am so frustrated with him I want to scream!!!!! I want to beat some sense into him, nothing I say is getting through to him. He still refuses to get a lawyer, he wants to wait to be charged!!!
Sometimes I get so angry with him that I want to walk away and leave him.

@lostlonelysad,

You said, “He claims that he didn't tell them anything or give them any statements, but I know how hard it is to not say anything when they are coming at you from my own interaction.”

People don’t understand how difficult it is for some folks to say “no” to the police. From childhood, we are taught to respect and defer to authority and we are also taught that the police are our friends and the “good guys.” Why are they the “good guys”? B/c they catch the bad guys.

But, of course, it is not as simple as that. The police have an agenda and that agenda is to make arrests. PERIOD.

You said, “How do you just condemn someone that you love and that you've only seen good and kind things from and shut them out of your life when you've seen nothing to prove that they have actually done this horrible thing?”

You can’t just shut them out of your life nor should you. I learned long ago that there is some bad in even the best of us and some good in the worst of us, so I never judge. If a woman loves a man, it would be very difficult to just desert him if he is arrested on a sex offense.

You said, “If he did this, I agree that he should have to serve his time for his crimes.”

Yes, but he should not be forced to serve an ungodly amount of time for his crime. The punishment should always fit the crime. Anything less just creates another injustice, as I said here---

http://tinyurl.com/yc4fb8lx

When I was in prison, I worked in the law library as a law clerk. One of the men I helped was a man who received 3,2000 years in prison for an assault against a small child----and he was not even guilty. Even if he was guilty, over 3,000 years in prison is ridiculous.

http://tinyurl.com/ycb8vf8q

@JMJ,

Tell your husband to retain a criminal defense attorney NOW. Do NOT wait until he is charged. Give the attorney a chance to get ahead of this so he can get the best outcome. An attorney is the ONLY protections he has right now and an attorney can do his talking for him.

I have experience in this area. He needs an attorney NOW.

rewdiazepam

Rew,
Thank you so much. I try to drill that into his head and he won't listen. He is EXTREMELY STUBBORN, and has it in his head that I'm trying to control him and he says I think he's a fool. I'm thinking perhaps I should just go ahead and hire an attorney on his behalf, but not sure if it's "allowed"??. I certainly have access to our checking account and could retain an attorney but not sure if he has to be there to sign any paperwork. I'll make some phone calls tomorrow. Again, thanks for always responding to my comments.
I'm sorry, didn't mean to kidnap this thread :(

I’ve been looking at the time frame he would be serving if he was convicted of all charges and it would be more than one lifetime...and I’ve also looked at so many psychology articles that I can’t keep count...all of which say that people that commit the crimes he is being charged with have very low rates of ricividism...If he did this then I wish they would make him serve a reasonable amount of time but allow him to get the help he needs. I’ve already been looking into psychosexual evaluations and I’m going to suggest one.

I’m commenting late on your post, but I feel my input might help you and help me to admit it aloud.
You wrote:
“I’m just wondering how many of your family members or spouses that have been involved in this admitted their guilt? Or did they just continuously deny it? My heart and gut say he isn’t capable of this...but my head is telling me that people can be deceptive and there’s a chance this is all true.“
My husband denied it at first. After 23 years of knowing him & finally realizing I had seen the signs, I knew better. Before he was incarcerated, during the interim between him getting out on bail (8/2015) and the day he left (12/1/2015), I gave him an ultimatum. I told him something like this:
“I keep asking you to give you the opportunity to be honest with me when we both know the truth. I don’t know what’s going to happen with us, I’m too confused as to know how I’m supposed to come to terms with this. It doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, but if you don’t admit the truth to me before you leave for prison, there is absolutely no chance for us. I don’t care what you admit to yourself or to anyone else, but if you don’t admit it to me, I’m done. I won’t mention it again. It’s on you. I hope you make the right choice. Not as much for me, but for yourself.”
I can remember saying it like it was yesterday and him not looking at me as I calmly & confidently said it. I forced myself to have no expectations & to not dwell on it. To be honest, I had no doubt he would NOT say to me what I already knew. Intuition is a powerful thing.
It had came down to a couple of weeks before he was to leave. I had chose to not dwell on what he did, “the conviction”, but to take these last few moments to see the man I fell in love with. To support the part in him that I loved. To be there for him even in silence because I knew silence was his worst enemy. We were driving back from going to get something to eat. We were a couple of miles from our house when he pulled over on the side of the road. He started crying, which he did not do. He started hitting the steering wheel and crying. I watched him in silence for a moment, then said to him “you know what I think? I think you don’t exactly know why you did what you did. I think you were drinking too much and acted on something you don’t understand.” I touched him on his shoulder. He then start yelling. You’re right. I did it. I can’t explain it, I just know it did it. I’ve fucked everything and everyone up.” He then had to get out of the car to throw up. He got back in and just sat there. He hadn’t looked at me once. I just reached over, grabbed his hand and said “thank you for telling me. Thank you for admitting this aloud to yourself. I can’t forgive you yet and I’ll never accept it as ok, but I appreciate what it took to do what you just did. Whether your future holds me in it or not, you’ll be ok. I know it.”
After that it allowed for him to talk to me in a way he hadn’t in all of our years of marriage. I was just there to listen. I had to remove myself as the wife who was another victim in this, but place myself in front of him as his friend. It’s the best I could do. & to be honest, it’s how I made it through it those 3 1/2 months before he left.
If you feel it in your gut that he’s not being honest and there’s more to the story, then you need to gonwith your gut. If even in times when you’re looking at him & you see a man who is hurting so deeply, maybe even begging you to believe him, but your gut tells you there’s something missing...something still isn’t quite right...that’s your intuition. You already know. You may not know the details or the missing parts, but you already know the truth which is that he is hiding things from you. It doesn’t mean he’s this horrible nasty careless person....it can mean he’s the most fearful he’s ever been, don’t want to lose you & cant even admit it to himself.
Maybe by now things have came closer to the truth for you. Maybe he’s broke and told you everything...or just enough. However you are in the beginning stages of this. If you stay with him, there’s more to come. With every step you have to trust your intuition. If not, you’re not being true to yourself. It’s one thing to just be mistrustful out of anger or disappointment. Obsessing over something someone does feels differently that what your own intuition is telling you.
I’m 2 1/2 years into this hell and it’s far from over. I have battles that I’ve won behind me, however there are battles I’m aware of and some I have no clue of, in front of me. So far it’s been never ending.
One of the biggest lessons Ive learned so far is to listen...truly hear....what I already know to be true. If I constantly second guess something, I need to lay it all out to where I can “see” it.
Give yourself the permission to give yourself credit.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. Right now, more than before, I still believe he didn't do this. My gut and heart tell me that he didn't commit these crimes. To believe that he did this, would go against everything that I know about him and the accusing party and there are just too many things that don't fit given what I know about the recent relationships and situations. There is definite motive to accuse him of something like this. My issue is that I have anxiety and I over-analyze everything. I don't like being out of control and not having information. I have always had issues with trust and anxiety and as a form of protection for myself and to avoid being hit with another blow, there's always that part of my brain that's wondering "what if?" I always need more information, even if it's information that ends up hurting me. I have read so many studies on cases and offenders similar to this and none of it lines up with the type of person he is...but then my brain says "there's always exceptions". I know that I probably shouldn't do it to myself and that I need to just sit and deal with what is in front of me rather than analyzing what isn't, but with my anxiety I am struggling to do so and only making this more difficult for myself.

For those who truly deal with anxiety &/or depression, it’s difficult for them to comprehend how deep it is when you said “with my anxiety I am struggling to do so and making it more difficult for myself”. It’s what we do and sometimes getting out of that cycle feels debilitating. You feel what you need to feel. I can read between the lines and see that you are struggling, but you are capable of seeing reality as well. I hope, for all involved, he didn’t do this. I’ll always say go with your gut and heart....which is what you’re doing. You’re doing the best you can and your not looking at this with blind eyes. There’s nothing wrong with doing all you can to hold on to your belief in someone. You received some valuable information and guidance in this thread. :-))