Families of SOs Community Group
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Hello. My husband had been downloading child pornography for many years without my knowledge. We were together for 10 years before we were married just last month. A week into our marriage the police raided our house. I am crushed. This is not the life I signed up for. Originally, I thought this was a mistake. This can't be right. It can't happen to my husband. They got the wrong guy. He also down played it all. It wasn't until I confronted him with some information the detective gave me that he admitted he lied originally. I packed my things and left the next day. I have decided to file for divorce, or if I can an annulment. I think I always knew we weren't meant to be. I was always pushing the relationship, trying to make it work. I guess that's why breaking away from him romantically has been easier than I thought. I just got tired of trying. He, on the other hand, refuses to realize that our marriage has come to an end. I started seeing a therapist who has brought to light his alcohol dependency. I have tried to tell my husband he needs to seek help but is hesitant to listen. He has had a very hard upbringing and I find myself playing the role of "mom" too often. I don't know how to help him anymore. I stalk his bank account to see if he has stopped going to the liquor store down the street and I hate myself for doing that becasue it only proves me right. I just don't know how to get through to him that he needs help. He says he will go to an AA meeting but then says hes too ashamed. I think "wow hes going through a lot." But what about me? What about the life I thought I was building with someone I thought I knew? He has no consideration for the life he ruined. We spent 10 years together. I changed my life to be with him. I changed myself for him. It's like he doesn't see how this is affecting me. He just says he wants me back. He has never truly apologized for what he did. I feel manipulated by him. I know I have been and I know a part of me still is but I cant escape his grasp. It has only been a month since this all came into the light and I feel like my life has been flippped, kicked and ran over again and again.
You have certainly been hit with some devastating news.
The first thing you probably need to do is protect yourself and your emotions. Your husband will find a way out of this mess somehow, but you cannot allow his situation to drag you down. Whether you ultimately decide to stay with him and maybe salvage the relationship is up to you, but protect yourself.
I will tell you that in my experience, many child pornography offenders are NOT child molesters, have never molested a child, and never would. Many CP cases are more mental health problems than problems with men wanting to mess with kids. Often the offender suffers from some form of a mental disability----autism, aspergers, a bipolar disorder, depression, OCD, ADHD, ADD, etc----which lowers the threshold for common sense and they wind up in the child porn world.
Many times a child pornography conviction is a vanilla legal pornography conviction out of control. People addicted to legal porn often graduate from vanilla porn to BDSM or Incest, to bestiality---sex with animals---and then on to CP when the other forms of porn no longer excite them. So your husband may not be a potential child molester.
The fact that he had a substance abuse problem caught my eye. Many addictions, porn addictions included, spawn from substance abuse problems----drugs or alcohol.
This is a forum for the “families” of sex offenders, so you certainly came to the right place. If you decide to leave your husband for good, I don’t think anyone could blame you. Being married to a sex offender with a prison sentence and a registry involvement is a very serious matter and not all wives are cut out for it.
It sounds as if your and your husband’s problems go beyond the child pornography conviction.
And, yes, your husband may have been through a lot, but he put you through hell also. Many offenders do not realize the hurt and stress they cause their families and loved ones. Even inmates in prison often do not understand the time, stress, and work that their wife, GF, or loved one endures on their behalf; the inmates tend to not fully appreciate those on the outside waiting on them to come home.
Just remember, your feelings are important and they are valid. Never hesitate to validate your feelings.
God bless you in whatever you decide to do.
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I was in your husband’s shoes years ago, as I was falsely accused of raping a child, but was convicted. I spent almost a decade in prison for the bogus crime.
Having said that, you husband is going through probably the most devastating one-time event that a person could ever experience. True, it is of his own making and true, you have been to hell and back, but your husband is suffering greatly.
You said, “It was the first time I've seen him in 2 weeks. He didn't look like the man I married. He was an empty shell of the man I loved for 10 years.”
He is an empty shell, as his life has completely fallen apart and collapsed. To make things worse for him, if you leave he is losing his last remnant of support he has. The woman he loved is leaving him.
Now, I did not say that to make you feel bad or anything, but I just want you to see things from his perspective. Yes, I agree YOUR PERSPECTIVE is important also, but he is so devastated he only sees things from his viewpoint. He is going through a lot of shame, but more importantly he is scared half to death of what may happen and how these charges may play out. His entire life is passing right before his eyes.
Both of you have been paralyzed with fear and negative emotions. You have been shell shocked and I understand.
You said, “It breaks my heart to see him this way. He has easily lost 20lbs. The hardest thing is watching him deteriorate.”
You obviously still care for him. If you did not give a damn, you would not be where you are at right now. I am really proud of you for sticking with him so far, as it shows character and grit on your part.
You said, “If he had done anything else other than this we could possibly move forward. If he had cheated, if he had robbed anything other than this. But the fact is I can't be married to an SO.”
It appears you are bothered more by the stigma of the crime and what others may think rather than your husband’s offense. If you have known him for ten years and never noticed that he eyed kids or made it a point to be around them, or if you never noticed anything strange about him, then he probable is not a SO except in a legal sense. He is probably a broken man who made some terrible choices to get him and you in this predicament.
And make no mistake; it is his poor choices that set all these events in motion.
Yes, the stigma of the offense is bad and many people will harshly judge him for it, but the fact remains that he is probably a decent human being. He is probably the guy you were or are in love with, but with a dark side.
You said, “He has yet to be charged. Its just a waiting game.”
If he has not even been charged, the smartest thing he did was retain a criminal defense attorney. Now both of you need to clam up and not talk about the charges to anyone except his attorney----nobody. Anything either of you might say in just passing might be twisted into something bad by someone in law enforcement or the prosecutor.
You said, “Does anyone know if getting an annulment would in any way hurt his case?”
It would probably hurt his legal case, but it would also harm him emotionally. If you care about him, I would wait for any legal or civil action regarding your marriage until after he is sentenced.
Please note I am not necessarily trying to convince you to stay or leave, as that is a decision only you can make, but it is obvious that you still care for him. Your feelings are important, but I am trying to explain the situation and how he feels, since I doubt he is able to explain bc of all his emotions.
His offense, while shocking, does not make him a monster. I support a lot of inmates and their families and I have a motto----“There are no bad people, only bad behaviors.” Right now your husband is a lost human being and his texts and physical appearance shows that.
You are probably struggling bc this hit you so suddenly and your brain is being bombarded with so many doubts and negative emotions. The human body is resilient, but it is not equipped to handle all this emotion all at once. No wonder you are angry, hurt, bewildered, and in disbelief. You have had a lot put on your plate all at once.
His legal situation may turn our much better than either of you suspected, but no, I don’t think he is a pervert or a bad guy. I have talked to too many CP offenders to believe that most of them are sexual predators.
You will probably never know why he offended and you know what?? He can probably never explain it himself.
I would give it time and not rush into anything.
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