Sunnyone,

I am so sorry to hear that your husband has been caught up in this situation.

From a legal standpoint, don’t dare talk to anyone about the specifics of his arrest or his crime, including anyone in law enforcement or anyone who might be working for law enforcement. You do not want to give them any details which they can twist to make the situation worse than it already is.

Do not talk to anyone associated with law enforcement for any reason.

The police or law enforcement are not your friends, so do not make any statements to them. You are under no obligation to speak to them, so don’t. Many people think that the police are humanitarians and want to help those accused of a crime, which is not true. Police make arrests----period. They are not on your side and will never work for the interests of your family.

If they should try to hassle you, just tell them, “I am not making any statements without an attorney present.” This is your Fifth Amendment right, so use it.

As a wife, you should probably get into some counseling or therapy. The shock from an arrest for a sex offense puts a huge amount of stress and negative emotion on the body. The human body was not made to withstand the constant 24/7 bombardment of all these emotions and fears.

If, at any time, you feel as if this situation is beginning to consume you, make an appointment with your family physician and get on some meds to help you through this difficult period. Not tending to your emotional needs can result in a mental meltdown, which you do not want.

Your children probably need someone to talk to who will give them emotional support. They are probably as bewildered as you are.

I am sure you are disappointed with your husband, but trust me, he is not a monster. I work with a lot of child pornography offenders and most are harmless. Many times their child porn problem was the result of an adult porn addiction that just got out of control. Many child porn offenders would never touch a child.

Having worked with families in this same situation, I know you are still in shock with many questions and fears. Your biggest fear will be the fear of the unknown.

Since it was the state police that did the raid, his charges will probably be picked up by the state instead of the feds. This is very good news. Federal law imposes mandatory minimums on receipt, production, and distribution of child pornography; while state statutes are more lenient. The feds are much more difficult to deal with than the states.

If the charges have been reduced from distribution to simple possession, then that also works in your favor. Many guys with simple possession will receive probation at the state level.

I am assuming he has an attorney at this point. He needs to listen to his attorney and be patient.

In this situation, you must remember the old adage to “Take one day at a time.” Get through each day, then each week, and try not to worry too much in the future over something that may never happen.

You WILL get through this, but it will be difficult. Human beings are very resilient creatures and can adapt to most any situation; people are much stronger than they think they are. Thousands of people and families are subject to the arrest of a loved one, and 99% of them get through the process fine. There is no reason on this earth that your family cannot do the same.

If your husband has any problems in jail with the other inmates or problems at all, contact me. I was in prison for many years on a bogus rape charge and am good with jail or prison problems.

Above all, have faith. You are not alone.

God bless you and your family,

rewdiazepam

Thank you for your reply.

He talked to the police immideatly and admitted to what they accused him of. They didn't talk to me at all. All this happened in 03/02/17. He clicked on a link that seems to have been placed in the net by lawenforcment, and that's how they got him, from what I understand.

He does not have a lawyer, because he made too much money last year. But we had just build a house in August, so our savings are minimal now, and the little bit we have in savings, I need to live off with our kids, and probably a deposit for an apartment once we find a renter for the house, as we will lose everything he worked so hard for in his life.
He said that if he doesn't have a lawyer by the next pre trial hearing, they will most likely give him one. But I don't know. My knowledge consists of watching 'Law & Order on TV.
I talked to him last night, and apparently there are two charges of possession (one charge for clicking on the kink, and one for downloading it), and a distribution charge after all, even though he said he never received anything from a person, and never passed anything on.

We are bewildered and shocked, and we wished he would have told us that he needed help. But no wishing in the world helps here now.

I placed the kids in counseling. I went to our marriage counselor Thursday. He told me that he isn't completely surprised, but that he doesn't think my husband is a pedophile. He suggested that this is a direct result of the abuse and trauma my husband suffered in his childhood.

I don't know how the future will look like. I am extremely disturbed by the fact he watched children being raped.
I don't know what he will face in court, if he has register as a SO, if he will ever find a job again, if he is allowed to be around his kids, etc pp.

I just have so many questions, and just about 0 answers.

I will send you a longer message sometime this weekend, as I am covered up, but there are a couple of things I want to mention now.

Tell your husband NOT to discuss his case with the other inmates for any reason. And under NO circumstances should he tell the judge he is guilty or wants to plead guilty UNTIL he is has a competent attorney.

The first thing an attorney will tell him is to keep his mouth shut about his case. He should follow the attorney’s guidance and make zero statements to anyone, especially not a judge, about his case or his guilt or innocence.

It sounds as if you and your husband are rather naïve about how the criminal justice system works----and that is understandable. I will do my best to help you understand the system and answer some of your questions.

Often the criminal justice system takes advantage of folks who are naïve about the system or do not understand how the system works. They then make some mistakes as a result of their lack of knowledge.

I do NOT want that to happen to your family and I do not want them taking advantage of you folks.

rewdiazepam

Sunnyone,

I know that you are confused and know very little about the criminal justice system, so let me try to explain to you what is going on here. You will feel better about the situation if you are not in the dark about everything.

Your husband talked to the police and gave them a confession on the day they executed the search warrant. He was arrested that day on the basis of the confession or he had some illegal files which were very easy to find that morning. If he had not confessed, they probably would not have arrested him until the computer forensics people examined his hard drive and found the images. Talking to the police was a mistake, but not a really egregious mistake in this instance since they were bound to find the images at some point.

Law enforcement doesn’t usually place child porn links on the internet, so I imagine he got caught by either using some type of file sharing program or through an email attachment. He also could have been caught if he uploaded one of the images. It does not really matter how he got caught, since they have a distribution charge on him.

After his arrest, his first court hearing should have been his arraignment. An arraignment is a court hearing, which usually takes place anywhere from 48 to 72 hours after an arrest. At the arraignment, he is formally read the charges and they will ask him how he wants to plead. At this time, they usually discuss bail and if he does not have an attorney and has no funds, they will appoint him a court appointed attorney----a public defender.

I don’t know why he still does not have an attorney. At some point he will have to fill out some papers to determine if he is eligible for a PD.

Was bail or bond ever set for him??

You said, “He does not have a lawyer, because he made too much money last year.”

If he made too much money for a PD, he will have to hire a private attorney, but he NEEDS an attorney ASAP. No, nothing will happen to him if he does not get one tomorrow or even next week, but he needs an attorney.

After the arraignment, there will be several pre-trail conferences between the judge, the prosecutor, and his attorney. At the same time, his attorney and the prosecutor will be keeping in touch. At some point, they will have to discuss the charges and negotiate a plea deal. He cannot go to trial since they have the evidence in the form of images on his computer and he also confessed.

You said, “I talked to him last night, and apparently there are two charges of possession (one charge for clicking on the kink, and one for downloading it)”

I think what he is referring to is that it is a crime to possess, access, or receive child porn. So clicking a link would be accessing the images and receiving it would be receipt of child porn. Then there is the distribution charge. Those are all separate charges. But I would not get too worried about the individual charges, as the plea will take care of that.

You said, “We are bewildered and shocked, and we wished he would have told us that he needed help.”

That is true, but here is the problem. Psychologists, clergymen, physicians and other health professionals are “mandated reporters” by the state and if he had told them about his problem, they would have called law enforcement. So if a guy has a problem, there is no help.

You said, “He told me that he isn't completely surprised, but that he doesn't think my husband is a pedophile.”

No, I am fairly certain your husband is not a pedophile. The term pedophile is a clinical medical term to define adults that are attracted solely to children. I assume you and your husband have had a fairly happy marriage and he has had not attractions to children. If he was a pedophile, you would have spotted it by now.

You said, “I don't know how the future will look like. I am extremely disturbed by the fact he watched children being raped.”

Any image of a person under the age of 18 in a sexual situation or which can be construed by a reasonable person as a sexual situation is defined as child pornography. It does not have to be an image of a child being raped. Child porn can also be a 17 year old image of a girl coming out of the shower with her breasts exposed. It can also be images of children dancing around in their underwear. Heck, people have been prosecuted for child porn for taking pictures of their children naked in the bathtub when they were small. So your husband might not have been looking at children being raped. The child porn laws are a little crazy.

He will have to register as a sex offender. I don’t know what state you are in, but he will have to register in that state unless a miracle happens and the charges are dismissed.

Your husband needs you now more than he ever has. He is in a hostile and foreign environment there in jail with a bunch of strangers. I am sure he is scared half to death, worried about the future, and very confused. He needs your support right now. He needs you. He needs your letters and visits if possible. As I said, I work with offenders and your husband is not a monster.

You also need him. You both need each other right now.

Things will quiet down after a while. The future will be more certain and, while you will never feel good about the situation, you will be more relaxed in time.

I am here to help if you ever need me. Just message me here at the board.

I will be thinking of you, your husband, and your family.

God bless you and your family.

rewdiazepam

He doesn't have an attorney because we can't afford one. We had just bought a house, which we will lose now, as he was the one working full time, while I took care of the children. The little bit of money we have, I quiet frankly need for a deposit on an apartment, food, and to not go homeless with our kids. We do not qualify for any social service assistance.
To say he pulled the rug from.beneath us is an understatement. He took away all of our safety and security.

He doesn't get bail, because he was set to deploy to Afghanistan, and therefore has a passport. This fact makes him a flight risk, so bail was denied.
I don't know if on 4/27 bail will be granted since he lost his job and consequently doesn't have to go overseas.
He's been gone 4 1/2 weeks now and I could only visit him twice, as I am picking up as many hours at my part time job as I can, but I won't be able to get more than 26h a week.

He doesn't realize how dire our situation is, because he keeps telling me that he is sure I figure everything out.

Sunny:

First off, my heart goes out to you and your family for going through this. Our situations are uncannily similar... and I came here to seek support as well, because well... not really anybody else in my circle that really understands what I'm actually going through. Turns out that sharing what I've been through is healing in and of itself, and if anything I say helps you... then healing happens for all of us.

My husband, six months from retiring from the Navy, came home February 2016 and dropped the bomb on me that he was being investigated for possession of child pornography. The material was from 10 years ago... and hadn't been touched since. But he donated the computer and it was viewed and turned over to the police.

We have a beautiful 3 year old daughter, and we were on the cusp of transitioning to civilians (I left the military after 10 years of service to be a stay at home mom to our daughter). And THIS happens.

14 months of a whole lot of not knowing ensued.... We hired a lawyer before he was indicted by the Grand Jury and arrested.... we didn't know what else to do. We didn't really have the money to do it either, but thankfully the lawyer allowed us to pay half up front and make payments after... needless to say it went on credit.

He was arrested in August (very quietly... since we had the lawyer we knew when the warrant was issued so he turned himself in)... then we went through several court dates before we actually had the case presented. All this time he continued to work his Navy job... not knowing what was going to happen to his retirement, his life... our lives.

Like your husband, mine was very forthcoming with everything when questioned, plead no contest and we were able to get the charges dropped from possession of child pornography (which is a registered sex offender 2nd degree felony in our state) to attempted possession of obscene material with intent to promote (a non-registerable 3rd degree felony) thanks to the work of our attorney.

Finally, a month ago, sentencing was complete. He was granted a deferred adjudication (which means he's not convicted but still has to serve probation), 180 days in the county jail, 10 years probation, a court fee, mandatory placement into the Sex Offender Management Unit and court ordered therapy, and no use of computers at work or home.

It's been one month since he's been in. And well.... I'm doing ok. I'm also looking for a job... we are still receiving his military paycheck for the time being, but it's only a matter of time before he's discharged.

I don't know where your immediate family is... but I know my family has been vital to my emotional survival. Just don't try to do this all by yourself. You are under extreme duress right now... and you the support and love of the people who care about you the most will go a long way.

Also... I cannot stress this enough: you MUST get a criminal defense attorney. This is the rest of his life and worth the expense. I've had to make sacrifices beyond my imagination this last year and a half, and there is not a single possession I have that is worth holding on to over his freedom and the possibility of us being able to have our lives and a family together.

If you haven't already, get a power of attorney as well. There should be social services there through the jail to help you out.

I'll probably be a regular on this board now... so if you need to talk I'm here. Sending you all the light and love in the world. - R

R

Thank you for your reply.

It's been about 10 weeks now since his arrest, and he's been granted bail yesterday. I will get him tomorrow.

Unlike your husband, it wasn't something that lingered on a computer for 10 years and was forgotten about. My husband actively downloaded a video on February 17th at 9 am, while I was not home and our kids were at school.

My husband is retired from the military. He served 24 years. Our children are older than yours.
And I agree, it is about the rest of his life. However, it's about the the rest of our lives (kids and I) as well.
The betrayal he committed is beyond breaking trust. Our house was raided, my kids were awoken by police busting in to their rooms with guns drawn.
He endangered our life. He didn't only took trust, he took our safety and security because he chose to not seek help. Not only that, he build our entire life on this secret, knowing that one day it would probably all come crashing down.
And though it's abojt the rest if his life, when it comes to keeping my kids homed and fed, or paying a lawyer for him, I will chose keeping my children in a home and provide them with food.
He didn't care about us, when he watched this sick stuff.

I understand that he is I'll and needs help. I understand what caused this, and I have a large amount of empathy for him.
And that is the on my reason why I am even still entertaining the thought of supporting him; I don't want to abandon him like everyone else in his life did.

My family is in Germany, and his is all over the US. There is no help, as they are financially not in a position to help us.

After 8 weeks of searching, I did finally find a job.

Even though it's a great job with decent pay, we wouldn't be able to get by without his retirement benefits.
And if he stays incarcerated, his VA benefits will drop down to 10% of what he gets now. Which we will avoid for now, thanks to bail being granted. Should he have to go to prison, then we will have to deal with the reduction after 60 days of incarceration.

Sigh