Welcome - I am glad you found us but sorry that you needed to. You have just bought a ticket on the most scary roller coaster ride you will ever take. Please feel free to ask questions (I cannot speak to the significant other kind of questions abut there are those here that can)

Hold your head up and take it one day at a time. I am sure you have figured out by now this is not even unusual. Most of us in here never dreamed we would EVER need to belong to a support group like this. However, it is becoming more and more common. we live in a small town and my son has been away for 9 years and last November my next door neighbors son was arrested for something similar. It is such an easy thing for men to do, sort of like the "secret sin" that they think no one knows and no one will be hurt. Then the doorbell rings..... Sending prayers your way.

Is this a state or federal prosecution?

If federal, the problem is that federal CP charges carry mandatory minimums-------five years for receipt of CP, five years for distribution, and there is no minimum for simple possession for a first time offender.

On the state level, it varies. I have seen a few only receive probation, but some even first time offenders receive ten years or more.

Listen to your attorney.

Work together with your husband. Now, more than ever is the time to stick together, as it is very difficult to go through this alone.

Seeking therapy is a good thing to do. If nothing else, it will show the prosecutor that your husband realizes he needs help and is taking measures to get that professional help. This may help in the plea bargain stage.

Take it slowly, take it one day at a time, and remember that this is not the end of the world.

Welcome to the board. You should know that you are not alone with a loved one facing CP charges.

This is the best support forum on the internet for sex offenders, so you are exactly where you need to be. Some of the other wives can give some really good insight and emotional support.

These situations are tough, but just remember-----they are DOABLE. Doable is the word you always want to remember.

rewdiazepam

it is a state charge so i guess i should be thankfull but i am just so damn angry at him for ruining our lives over this. I am having such a hard time with the "whys" of it all. Was i not a good enough wife? did i not give him what he needed? how could he not think of what would happen if he got caught to us.
and ok i know downloading or looking at this is against the law but damn for first time offenders the penalty seems very harsh. Prison time long probation and at least 15ys on the registery (which is the rest of his life pretty much). Not to mention he has lost his buisness, lawyer fees, and of course the court cost he will have to pay to the state plus god know what else. At least we have no children.

I am in a similar situation and have been also working up the courage to share my story. A little over a year ago my husband was arrested for possession of cp. You are not alone. Taking it one day at a time is the best advice I can give.

I completely understand your fears, how do you go on, do you even want to stay etc. If you would like to PM me, please feel free.

lifehaschanged if u dont mind me asking are u still with him? the anger for me is getting worse and i struggle with just packing up my stuff and leaving. All our neighbors know and of couse it hit the news (oh JOY) and most of our friends dont want anything more to do with us and neither of us have any family left alive.
i just want to find a cave crawl in and not come out till this is all over.

I am still with him. I can completely understand your anger and wanting to leave. I have good and bad days. My family is cautiously supportive and not all of our friends are yet aware of what is going on. Which honestly can make things more stressful. You have to do what is right for you. Feel free to private message me if you would like.

You were a good enough wife... don't forget that...

CP stuff is something out of the movie Minority Report. All those punishments that they have come up with for CP crimes are created in the spirit that the CP was going to lead to touching offenses without a doubt. Which from what I have studied, is blatantly untrue. As a society we watch murders, serial killers, explosions, terrorist attacks, zombie attacks, assassinations, extortion, and a myriad of other violent crime and actions EVERY SINGLE DAY on the TV. That includes the NEWS and the shows and movies.

As Independent has stated numerous times, the crime rate, according to the DOJ has gone down. Now if CP really did lead to more horrible crimes, then you would think that the rate of crime of a sexual nature would have gone up exponentially not down.

I hate to say it but that is the reality of the CP crusade that has gone one both in federal government and state governments.

You have every right to be angry at him... I am not going to minimize your anger, but I am going to offer a perspective. Every day more people than you realize commit felonies, what are considered horrible crimes by our government, but the difference between them and your husband is that they haven't been caught or charged with the crimes they commit. I had never thought about that before something happened to my husband.

There are things you are going to find out about the people you know... Who are your real friends and those that never were friends of yours, just people that you thought were close. Yes you are going to see a mass exodus of those folks as they will fear what people will think of 'them' if they talk to 'you'. You don't need leeches like that in your life.

Hang in there...

thanks everyone it means so much to me to know i am not alone. And I may never understand why he chose to do this but i can only hope that he gets help he needs and figures out the why for him so he doesn't do it again.

Like you hiding in a cave I wanted to hide under a rock. Best bit of advice was "hold your head up high, you have done nothing wrong" and that's what I'm trying to do. It is the most hurtful thing I have experienced. My husband was never an angel we met so young, I sometimes wish we met later in life so he could have had the "wild teenage years" but he didn't. He has received a lot of therapy and the reason he ended up on this road has been found and now its just trying to figure out how to get past it as well as medication for his mental health. He's currently in prison and has definitely learned his lesson.
Deep breaths! You can do this!

sally blue some days just standing erect is all i can do and not weep in front of people. I hope mine too has learned his lesson and can somehow figure out how not to feel like "scum of the earth" He is a goodhearted man and i just hope this doesnt totally destroy him. Funny how people say everyone deserves a second chance until they find out it is a "sex offence" then it is take them to the gas chamber.

Don't ever allow someone to infer that you OR your husband are the "scum of the earth."

You have to put these situations in perspective to fully understand them. He did NOT rape anyone, he did NOT touch or molest a child; hell, he did not even touch anyone.

What he did do was use very poor judgment and do something stupid like download some naughty pictures of underage people.

Hell, that is not exactly the crime of the century. The only reason society thinks it is so bad is that they have been brainwashed and fed a bunch of "facts" that are not even valid. There are so many premises regarding CP that is not even true.

Yes, he made a mistake, but lets keep it in perspective here. He is not a monster, a pedophile, or a dangerous pervert. He is a flawed human being who makes mistakes at times just as you and I are flawed human beings.

While it is true that his mistake was serious, I don't think his actions were the product of an evil mind. Your husband is a troubled man, but not an evil one.

Why he did it you many never know. Even he may never understand it, but don't allow people to treat you as if he is some kind of serial child molester with dozens of victims. He isn't.

Also do not allow any of these busybodies who like to be so judgmental to ever take your dignity away. Nobody can rob you of your dignity unless you allow them to. Do not ever allow that to happen. Once you allow someone to rob you of your dignity, your self-esteem and self-respect will follow. We don't want that.

You have worth as a human being. Your husband matters. A lot of people like to put others down to compensate for all their failures in life; it makes them feel better.

This will work out and you WILL get through this. It will take time and you will have to take it slow, but you will make it.

This advice is for all the courageous ladies on the board who have decided to try to make some sense out of these situations, including the newbies.

God bless you and good luck,

rewdiazepam

Hugs... I've been married about as long as you,my journey started in March. After lots of therapy,support and love the fog is starting to clear.
I chose not to stay in my marriage, I know it's not everyone's choice but it was/is mine.
I have tremendous respect and must admit I'm awed by the women who stay,just not something I could do.
What ever you decide.it will be the right decision for you.

Hurt,

I understand the hurt and anger you feel. My husband was convicted of molesting our daughter. I wonders the same questions for you. Like many men, the start off just looking at porn and sometimes guys go from adult porn to CP. They don't realize that they are addicted to porn.

It was difficult at first to control my anger with him, but I daily forgave him for putting us in this mess. Our daughter helped me in forgiving him.

No one can make that decision to stay or leave - that is ours alone. It's wrong that people treat you as an outcast when you didn't do anything, but be married to him. I've lost friends because of the same. They didn't understand why I would stay with such a person. Many people assume that I'm too weak to leave him. That is a laugh, as it would have been easier to leave than to stay.

I'm sorry you joined this club, but glad you found us. I hope we are helpful to you as you work on your healing and deciding what you want to do.