I wish I could help in some other way other than support. I am so sorry. I think the doctor is probably a good idea but more than that put some order in your life. You say it is several hours away so you would have to spend the night or maybe 2 - so I would formulate how often can you do that and where would you stay and then make that schedule and inform your son. That way you can get on with the rest of your life and will have something to look forward to. I know with issues with my son it is the uncertainty that is the worst thing to deal with. I know that wanting to crawl into a hole feeling.

My first visit hopefully will be at the end of this month if the visitor forms are approved by then. We saw each other every weekend until now - I think the separation and limited phone time is getting to me. We are very close to each other and not sure how I will live the rest of my life without him in it like we used to know. I wish we had a support group actively where I live - like AA or something on that line but we don't. I do appreciate this site to read and learn even if I don't post!

One thing to consider is that you have probably been running on adrenalin so that you could be strong for him and everyone else. It is not uncommon for depression and low energy to hit after the "event" is done and the need for you to be strong for everyone else is over.

It is helpful during these times to give yourself some time to recuperate. Rest as much as you can and having as few obligations as you possibly can are important. It can take a few days or more to recover a physical balance.

You have most likely been stifling the emotions in order to stay strong. But they are still there and need an outlet. I have read that it is the failure to give them outlet that really hits people the hardest. I suggest allowing the emotions to flow. Cry when you need to. It may seem like it is all the time and will last forever, but it won't.

Yes, it will be hard to learn to live your life without your son, but it is doable. Like everything else, it will take time.

And yes, by all means, talk to your doctor. He may be able to help you to figure out if it you may need more help to come out the other end of this. You may need some temporary medical help. You may need some one on one counseling. I don't know.

These are just some things that come to mind. Hope they help.

Sending you hugs.
Deena

Thanks Deena...everything you said makes sense. I had to be the "glue" for over a year now and handle the "business" end of this whole nightmare and now that is over...and I just don't know how to handle it. I tried to be the rock for everyone and now I think I need help but I will be ok..

The belief/knowledge that you will be OK is very powerful and very healing. It is now time for you to take care of yourself. Your son is OK.

I hope you find good ways to nurture yourself during this time. Long soaking baths? Read some good books? Sing? Pray? Take walks? Draw? Cups of tea while looking out the window? Whatever feeds you...do it!

You have been "strong" for so long. It is time to take a break. You deserve it, good Mama!

Deena

You are suffering from something very similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Women are like that. We hold it all together until we don't have to or there is nothing more we can do, then fall apart. You feel like you cannot get to your baby - I understand. But bars or the law cannot ever separate the spiritual connection you have to him. He's still yours. Please follow the good advice given here earlier. Maybe a short term round of anti-anxiety meds will help you adjust. Get plenty of sleep, allow yourself a period to grieve and then work on accepting your new "normal". I am praying for you. <<HUGS>>>

If you feel the need to cry then do it its a great way of getting ride of stress, try and work out a routine with him for calls and visits this will give you something to foces on. Most important take a bit of time for you , watch a move, have a cup of tea ( really its a good way to relax) read a book, or just have a chat to a mate or get yourself something it dosnt really matter what it is as long as it helps.
Hang in there we are hear if you need us hugs me.

Thanks to all that are here for me - I really appreciate it! I really agree with the grieving part - they didn't die but I grieve inside like he did...I guess I know "somewhat" the feeling when you lose a child EXCEPT I can occasionally talk to him and see him.
I did take a vacation and felt terribly guilty as he was locked up and I was relaxing (trying) by the beach. I got home from vacation on a Sunday and he called Tuesday he was in the same state I just left - unreal! Of course we did not know where they would send him - BIG SECRET....
But it is doable to drive (7 hrs) and not everyone gets to do that - so I will try not to complain too much about that!
Again thanks to all of you that know what I am going through...

Debbie; Sounds as if your son has made it to a decent enough facility and he is getting along well. Thank God. I know that when I finally made it to my parent institution I was relieved that I could fianlly establish a pattern for living on the inside. I made it to such a place that the only thing that I could not do was, go home. I had everything else that I needed to live. I often said to my wife that if my accusers knew how well I had adapted they would be angry. Prison is still prison don't get me wrong, but there is a way that we cannnot imagine right now but will become clearer as the days pass. Likewise for you on the outside. It was said correctly that you are going to have a let down and adreneline withdrawls, that's ok and expected. You need to focus all that energy into something else. I'm not a Doctor but I see it good that you made it through the hard parts unaided by meds and believe enough in you that you can make it through this part as well. Not as difficult but only different. Do not feel guilty for enjoying yourself and life without your son there with you. He will have the same feeelings in prison, guilt for enjoying himself, we all do. I feel guilt for enjoying myself today knowing that I have dear friends serving a life sentence. We find strength in helping others who have are going through what we ourselves have been through. Believe it or not you have received an educatioin that money cannot buy. Congratulations on successfully completing your first year.

Thanks for the kind and very "helpful" words Pathella. I guess an "education" is an understatement....wow who really knows. We are what you would call a normal middle class white family. My son is the first in our whole family to be incarcerated. It's certainly an eye-opener this whole experience. I was so shocked the first time I went to visit my son in a county prison.

First thing was the restroom in the waiting room had absolutely no toilet paper, no paper towels, no soap. My thought was OMG - what do those moms, grandmothers, children do coming to the bathroom - I was flabbergasted. I went to the desk and said excuse me this is my first time here - is this normal with nothing to use in the bathroom? I would like to come prepared next time I said. The man CO said oh the janitor just hasn't been in yet and the woman CO said yes it's normal...so I came prepared after that.

How can they treat those families like that? We did not break the law - our loved ones did.
In the winter we all huddled on the front steps in line for 1-2 hours before it opened with children who had little on to protect them...it was really sad. These were the times I was thankful my son had no children.
Nothing prepares you for going to the window and picking up the phone and seeing your son on the other side of window....

But to move on - that was a year ago and he bounced between two county prisons for a year and god yes things are better and more settled. He was no more than 45 min. from us but the "quality" of life for him is much better.
My son will do well and he will be mentoring guys coming in before long. He did that almost immediately at the county when he was never incarcerated before. Some could not even fill out their forms because they couldn't write or some couldn't understand English.
Yes, Pathella my son also could not wait to get settled somewhere and get on with a life as close to "normal" he possible.

One of the secrets to doing time is learning "to make your own happiness." I know it sounds sort of silly, but once he is settled, he will get into a normal routine and there will be times where he will be actually have high spirits and be happy again.

Human beings have a great capacity for resilience and the ability to rise to the occasion if they are forced to. He will make friends and he will make a life for himself.

Many people have watched too many programs such as “Lock up” and believe that all the inmates do during the day is to rape each other or chase each other around with a prison made knife. The truth is that prison is mostly a very boring place---veray little to do. Guys sit around watching TV, playing spades, or working crossword puzzles.

Funny that you mentioned the bathrooms. The visiting yard bathrooms where I was incarcerated were used mostly for a pitstop for couples to have sex. One inmate would “jigger” while another inmate would take his visitor and have a quickie. It is sort of shocking at first, but you have to realize that many of these guys will never really see a female on the outside again, so it should not be all that surprising.

Your son is probably taking all this better than you as his mother.

It is understandable that you might feel some guilt for doing things out here that make you happy, such as vacations, but your son won’t mind. He understands that you must go on with your life and I am sure he would not want to deprive you of your happiness.

I suspect the reason the prison personnel treat the inmate’s family so shoddy is that they would really just as soon the familes would never come back. Most of the officers hate working the visiting yard and they treat the families accordingly. And many people in the DOC treat the visits as just a necessary formality, a mere inaconvenience.

You have to look hard to find any humanity in prison.

But keep your chin up, Debbie, write often and visit when you can. The mail call and letters are the most important times for an inmate. They love letters. Unlike visits or telephone calls, the inmates will save a letter, read and re-read it many times. When they are down the read it for comfort.

Also your son should be careful and store his mail in a secure place. Inmates have been known to get the return address of a letter and write his family just for a few laughs but also to attempt to extort money from them.

Yes, letters are a Godsend for an inmate.

rewdiazepam

All good advice I am sure! I have written my son just about everyday he has been incarcerated and he saved and sent home every letter anyone wrote to him while in county for me keep for him. Not sure he will do that now in federal - probably not. I bought a waterproof/seal proof container and will need another one soon. I am also the keeper of all the legal papers for the past year.

He said he is excited everyday to check the list to see if he is on it for mail - more the reason to continue to write! He is fortunate he comes from a family who has not turned their back on him. His aunts & cousins also write continually. Not sure what will happen in the future but for now they all write him.

I would like to see them change in the future the minutes they can talk on the phone to their family. My son has always told me just being able to talk to me calms him down. In county they had unlimited time to talk if you had the money and now calls are more reasonable and we can't talk much....it just isn't fair!

Rew, it makes feel better hearing from guys that were in my sons shoes before in their life - I know you know what you are talking about!

As far as you being a white midddle class, that makes you a prime canidate for a sex crime. More white middle class SO's than any other in prison. It's not that other natioinalities, races, colors are not committing them, its just that they aren't reporting them. I'm not being racial just a realist. You really can't attend prison and not notice racial tendencies, (politically correct or not) .
Your son mentoring is an endless occupation in prison, amazing the learning curve that exist in prison. If he can read, write, poetry, even cursive he's already got a hustle to earn extra money. He will at first help to feel good about himself and then realize that there is an endless need and felons are not afraid to ask all the time.

Terrible are the prison privy's no doubt about it. To think that those conditions are a step up for most is baffling.

More later

U don't need drugs from the doctor. Don't start something that might make it worse . Keep in mind that's his time, u cant do it for him.his time to think, Time to do u . Last fight to get ur life back. Get busy work out , clean a old closet out, read a book ,catch up on old movies, date if ur not married get ur life back relax . Ur son will be alright as long as he keeps his mouth shut ,and works hard at getting his self together '. love yourself right now u deserve it ....

Everyone dos there time there own way.
It's pretty much stand for guards to treat visitors that way though sometimes you can get a good one but its few and fair between. Most think that the loved ones should just walk away from them sad but true.
Hang in there it will be ok it just takes time.