Im so sorry. I wish I had words that helped but there are not any. I am in my own hell saying and thinking ALL the things you are. What if, should I do this, how do I fix this, should I have done this....it will make you crazy. I take meds but there is a sadness that medicine cant touch. I think fear about dwindling finances make me very frightened and anxious and based on your post I would agree that maybe moving with your mom to bank money is a good idea. Money does t buy happiness but it sure as heck gives you more options. I don't know where you are spiritually. Im trying to hold on because I think God is stripping away everything so I will have nothing left but him. I will pray for you tonight and I will hope tomorrow is a better day for us both. There is a really good book called When I Lay My Isaac Down. If you read, and are interested this book is a little comfort. I hope you are coveted tonight in Our Lords peace even if for a little while. Again I am sorry. I hope you can or will try to read this book.

I am so sorry as well, and know exactly how you feel as U could have wrote what you said. As mothers or wives we are supposed to be able to fix everything and we caint i these situations and its so dang hard. My son is such a good hearted loving person but he has something seriously wrong with him he needs help not locked up...he should be starting his life at 23 not sitting where he is. My son has been in the county jail since Dec 4th and it drviing me crazy, literally. I wish I knew what to say but I dont but do want you to know you are not alone, so many caring people on this site all going thru their own hell. I will Pray for you and your son.

I was in anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for the first year going through this hell. Many of us know what you are going through right now. Like Psalm, I have been able to get through this due to my faith, without it, I don't think I would have survived.

I still have my ups and downs, but I am stronger today than I was when this all started. Just take it one day at a time. Don't look too far down the road, just focus on today. If you do try to look too far down the road, you will wind up with anxiety attacks.

Come here as often as you need. There is always someone here who will understand what you are going through, and always willing to help.

I read your words and I think ... insert my name here. Everyone story is different but the feelings you are having are the same as most of the mothers here have had.

The things you are saying I feel I should comment on one by one:

Calling into work - I did this also as much as I could without losing my job. I felt like a frightened rabbit (I also had always thought I was a very strong person) but this was the most awful thing that had ever happened in my life - it was so invasive. I also took a lot of time off after sentencing.

The second guessing and what ifs? - This was also hard for me as well. Finally (and it took a while) I had to realize that it was not my fault - I did not do this at all. You know the funny thing is that it took a drunk ex husband being a jerk to make me realize this was not my fault at all - there was nothing I could have done. When the ex called me and started badgering me about this and that and how could I let this happen when he was never in our sons life at all! He was a cop in the same town and ended up being disgraced and let go from the police force - never paid child support , made promises to my son that he never kept (over and over) and I let him have it but good! It felt great becasue I got to release some of the anger I felt about the situation and at him for all the years of non-involvement! How dare he say those things to me! LOL It was great fun and I have not heard from him since.

The anxiety - yes most of us have and sometimes still do experience that. It is hard not too - I think some of it is the realization that in one split second your lives can change for ever and there is no do-over. I woke up many a night in a cold sweat thinking I had heard banging on the front door. The interesting thing about that is that it is very clear that folks that have experience a police raid have post-tramatic stress and yet they are not thought of as victims in any way. I know many have sought treatment for it. I remember little snip its of that morning and probably the only one I actually enjoy thinking about (becasue it just came out of my mouth without thinking but I am SO glad I said it) After being in my home for hours and subjecting us to all that crap - they left, took my property, took my son etc. About 20 mins later here they come again - when i answered the door I said to the cop standing there "What the hell do you want now???" LOL They had filled out the property paper incorrectly and were coming back to revise it - at least I had the presence of mind to say before you do that I want to make a copy of it the way it is written and then you can change it! Good thing I did too becasue there were items on the original that did not show up on the newly revised one!

I do not know your sons crime or age but I can tell you this - in the majority of cases sex crimes are punished way out of proportion to the crime. Yes my son knows that he broke the law and he always took responsibility for it but it did not warrant ruining his life forever. Whatever your sons behavior was chances are it was a stupid impulsive mistake and not an indication of deviant behavior - if he is under 25 yrs old you might want to do some reading about the pre-frontal cortex of the brain.

You are still fairly new into this so I do want to make the standard warning that you should not speak to the police , the prosecutors, or anyone involved in the investigation other than his lawyer. If they insist then you tell them only with a lawyer present.

You have a couple of things going in your favor - first I can tell you love your son and that is a great thing - the other is that you found this forum early on - I was absolutely frantic and no one helped me to navigate the system and unfortunately I did not find this forum until about a year in to this mess -

My son had moved back in with me (medical issues) so it was my home that got raided. That was about 2 years ago. I still get a knot in my stomach when I see a police car driving down the road, still keep my door locked at all times (I live in farm country, so it is not like I am in a "high crime" area). I think the anxiety does subside as mine has somewhat, but I can't tell you if it ever goes away. I too am a "momma bear" trying to protect her cub, but you need to realize that this is not your fault, there was nothing you could have done to stop your son, or to prevent this. My son was into on line CP for about 15 years. I do agree with you (as do many) they are sick, something in their brain is misfiring somehow, they need counseling not jail.
You will need to come to terms with the fact that you cannot fix this, you cannot make it go away, as a mom that is a very hard pill to swallow, but you also need to know that he did this to himself, he caused this. All you can do now is be there for him, make sure he knows that no matter what he will always be your child and you will always love him. If your son gets moved out of state, you will deal with that as well. I live in New York State, my son is currently in Montana facing new charges there. I haven't seen him in 11 months, I have no idea where he will eventually end up. We talk on the phone at least twice a week, and write to each other every week.
Don't worry, the "going fucking crazy" will subside, it did for me, just takes time. I am here is you need me.

I agree with all that is said however I disagree with that they all sick. Unless you are referring to sick as in an addiction. I will concede that most of these young men become addicted to the porn. But I do not believe they are all sick as in deviant sexual tendencies. There are too many of them out there to believe that they are all sick sexual deviants. Also there are too many factors that, to me, show just the opposite. Are there some out there that may be sexual deviants - probably - but the majority of them are either young men that are curious to see what the world of sexuality has to offer or have a curiosity about pornography and become hooked. They also live in a world where pron is available by the click of a mouse - before this generation that type of information was not available - but I would be very surprised if there was even one person that said that in their youth they did not seek out some type of sexual information out of curiosity. Also, men feel differently about porn (and some women) than most do. I personally do not like it but many do. We are born as sexual animals and then we fight it for the rest of our lives. These young men that become addicted to porn have many things in today's society working against that were not present before - one of them is availability, another is the law changes (used to be a misdemeanor) - and lastly working against them is the pre-frontal cortex. If they were 25 or younger when their addiction started they did not have the physical and mental coping mechanisms to control their behavior. I for one KNOW that my son is not sick other than that he does and has shown addictive personality traits and we talk about it all the time (it does run in our family). But I am not saying him this out of sheer denial or anything of that nature - when my son first told me the details of the situation although I supported him 100% I did not just believe him with out support of his story. I got that support from reading and learning the truth about CP possessors,and the results of his treatment and testing,

I do not know the details of any of the crimes and therefore cannot tell you how to think or assimilate that information but I would like to put a couple of thoughts in your head. Our society and government have already labeled and ostracized our loved ones - in many cases for the rest of their lives. Do we really want to allow that? Please do not "buy" the rhetoric that the government is selling. Most experts and even the governmental entities agree that the normal possessors of CP , although properly addicted to porn is not a sexual deviant. do not label our sons as "sick" becasue that is what society and the government wants and expects us to do.

We always second guess ourselves as mothers. Did we do the right thing? Did we not do something we should have? We can beat ourselves up with this thinking. We do the best we can with what we got at the time.

Be prepared to be on a roller coaster for awhile. I cant count how many sick days i took off of work. Out of the blue i would cry just thinking about him. He is like a son to me.

Its been a year now since he committed his offense. It gets easier. I found i can love someone even though he did a bad thing.

My saving grace was writing in a journal. It helped to write down my feelings especially when i thought i was overburdening my family.

What you went through is traumatic. It may help to seek counseling. At the least stick with us in this forum. Do not hesitate to unload on us. We have been there.

westdenali - I agree journal writing also has helped me in the worst crises. And I also agree that the gift that has come out of the worst tragedies in my life have given the greatest gift - it taught me the TRUE meaning of unconditional love.

Im sorry i really don't know whst to say but keep your head up and im sending prayers

Five and a half years into it, I can tell you that life does get better. What has helped me most was getting involved in Texas Voices for Reason and Justice and attending one of their support groups where I met people who have/had experienced some of the same trails. I've met registered citizens, families of, and people just going into what feels like a nightmare.

While it is true life will never be the same again, it certainly does go on and it most certainly can be a life worth living!

So while I don't know where you live my advice is get connected. Get connected to a good support group it will make a difference.

I wish I'd found this board long before I did. What people are saying above was true for me also - finding a support system is essential. I was going through this not completely alone, but with people like me who'd had NO experience with SO situations at all and didn't really know what to say or do. Because I live in a huge city I've been lucky enough not to have any media notice, but because of my job I've had to keep everything to myself and maintain a facade. I'm not sure I've made all the right decisions, but this board has been invaluable. Best wishes in this trying time.

Thank you all very much. I am so glad to have found this board.

Code blue I want to first off tell you it does get better. I have been through some of the worst times of my life over the past 6 months. My son was very lucky as he got caught before he was 21 and did not have to do any time. He is on a year of community control and 3 years probation. We are hoping he can go back in June to get his community control reduced. His lawyer seems hopeful he will get it due to no criminal record aside from this and him doing all the right things. My thoughts are with you and your son as well as my prayers. I went through all the agonizing thoughts you did. My son suffers from ADHD and we are in the midst of getting him on the right meds and I think he also may be suffering from borderline personality disorder. As a mother I think we always blame ourselves that we didn't do something right. Didn't discipline them enough or recognize signs but the reality is it was not our faults. We love our kids and do our very best for them. You are going to go thru ups and downs just remember to take care of yourself and don't do what I did and try to fix everything for him. Him fighting his way thru this will be the best lesson in life for him. Love him always support him thru this emotionally and what have you but I made the mistake of enabling my son and he just got worse mentally. When me and his grandmother finally said enough is enough you know the consequences of your actions and you are an adult you need to work through this and do the right thing since then he has come a long way. This experience left him angry and out of control. He is starting to yurn it around though. This group is great and offers lots of support lean on family that support you and this group. Take care of yourself so you can be there for your som

I too have felt the same way you do! My son and i are very close! I have never felt pain like i did when he was arrested! I had anxiety attacks at night, to where i would wake up and could not breathe! I would gasp for air. I would go to work and not be able to talk because i had stressed my throat so much the night before. I pushed good friends away because i didn't think anyone would understand and I being mom should have been able to stop him. Or at least see what he was doing! I found this group right before he was sent away to state prison. It has helped me a lot. I am not on here a lot but I have found some very good friends!
I wanted to run to the mountains and hide away from everyone. So far my family has been supported by a great church and some good friends. I am very blessed that i have that, some do not.
Hang in there. It is a very tough road, it does get a little easier. I still have a hard time but i can get through it because i Know i have a AWESOME GOD on my side.
I will be praying for you! If you need to talk or vent Please send me a message, I will listen and cry with you.

I am new to this group but I understand how you all are feeling. My son is on the run right now because he gotsscared to go to his sentencing. His attorney told him he would probably get 12 years the day before court.He suffers from anxiety and untreated bipolar disorder. I took well over a year of court being continued and than he took a plea bargain and was supposed to go for sentencing almost 4 months ago. I haven't heard anything from him since. I went through the anxiety of waiting for the fugitive task force to come because he used my address and he had stayed for awhile last year. Then he was put on crime stoppers with a story that used someone else's police report making him look even worse. They have come a second time. Sometimes I like I'm in a living nightmare. My Faith is what is keeping me together.

You are all in my prayers. I have to say that it's nice to know there's someone out there who truly understands but I don't wish this on anyone!