Families of SOs Community Group
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Today was terrifying. The cops stormed my house with guns and arrested my husband of 14 years for possession of child pornography. I had no idea whatsoever that he was doing that. I knew he used to look at adult porn before we were married, but I thought he had stopped all that.
I am bewildered and scared and confused, but I still love him, because I know the real man that he is. He's the man who loves cats and watching the birds with me. He's the man who has tickled my back as I fall asleep every night for the last 14 years. He's a military vet who served 20 years. He's kind hearted and generous and cares passionately about his family. He's so much more than that, and I know that this terrible thing does not define him. But I'm scared about what this will mean for us or how long he will have to go away.
It's only been the first day, barely 12 hours since they took him away. I'm going to get a good criminal defense lawyer. I have already spoken to the public defender who said he may have his bond hearing tomorrow. My sister sent me the info to this site so I could hopefully get some support from others who are going through something similar.
You are so very correct. CP offenders are often confused, but they are decent human beings, and no, he should not be defined by this one incident.
The wisest thing you can do is hire a good criminal defense attorney who has knowledge of these kinds of cases. I am sure he will tell you this, but do not talk to anyone at all about his charges.
His arraignment will probably be tomorrow or Monday. They usually do the arraignment within 72 hours. The arraignment will be a short court proceeding, probably less than 20 minutes. It is the first formal court appearance for a defendant and during this court proceeding he will be formally read the charges, bail will be discussed, and if he does not have an attorney, that will be discussed also.
This is a long road, but it is doable. You both need each other right now. I have been through this and I know both of you must be scared half to death.
Take one day at a time and try not to stress over something that may or may not ever happen.
God bless you and your husband. If you ever need to talk, send me a PM.
Rewdiazepam
PS Anyone who loves cats and treats animals well must be a good person.
We haven't really told his family, except for his parents who have been extremely supportive. I also told my sister, but out of necessity more than anything. She has also been incredibly understanding and supportive, thankfully. My husband and I are both very scared and worried because the charges are serious (9 counts of possession) and there is a minimum mandatory sentence of 3 years without parole for each count that he is convicted of.
I have been spending these last couple days letting him know that I still love him, I support him, and that we will get through this together. He told me that he thought for sure he would lose me if I knew, and that's why he never told me before. Don't get me wrong, I'm upset with how he put everything we've worked for in jeopardy, but I forgive him because I know that this addiction he has is a mental health disorder and he couldn't control it. I'm not excusing what he's done, but I'm not going to demonize him for it either. I'm going to get him some help (if the state doesn't mandate it anyway) and we will get through this...somehow.
I want to incorporate one message to both you young ladies, as the advice is much the same and there is no need for me to type this out twice. So, what I am about to say applies to both of you.
Both you and Canidce are approaching this situation in a manner that will allow you to have the best resolution. Both of you are obviously not quitters and very tough women who love their husbands. You have decided to try to understand your husband rather than just abandon him, and frankly, I really do admire you both for that.
Once he gets an attorney, the lawyer may want to put him through a battery of psychosexual mental tests performed by a competent mental health professional to prove that he is not a continuing threat to the community or to children. A positive examination is extremely important, especially coming from a reputable health professional, as it shows the judge and the prosecutor that his chance of re-offending is very low. Judges usually take these evaluations very seriously and in turn, a positive evaluation can be used to negotiate a really good plea bargain and will be a factor at sentencing.
Your husbands also need some help in the form of therapy to conquer this problem. I don’t know the case, but some criminal defense attorneys get their CP clients into therapy even before sentencing. This shows the prosecutor and the judge that the defendant is seeking---on his own--- to make the life changes necessary so he will not re-offend. Often this results in a better plea deal with the prosecutor.
I am really happy that his parents are supportive. He needs to know that he has support and someone out here that loves him unconditionally. Trust me, he may not show it outwardly, but he is scared to death and worried. Right now, he is probably down and depressed some of the time, even if he puts forth a great front. Anyone who tells you they are brave all the time and never scared out of their minds as the object of a criminal investigation is either lying or crazy. I know I was and I don’t scare easily.
One of the biggest worries of a defendant or an inmate is that the entire world will hate them and that all their loved ones will toss them aside and abandon them.
At the same time, Trude and Candice, you need support. You and your husband are in this together, and you might have to lean on each other. Trude and Candice, this is emotionally tough on you both and sometimes these situations are so intense and unrelenting that it begins to consume us as human beings. If you feel as if you are losing the ability to perform your daily tasks and if you become depressed, find a mental health professional to treat you. I was in the medical field, and the newer, SSRI antidepressants are very effective with few side effects. No, I don’t want to make anyone a pillhead, but we all need help throughout our life crises at times. Reaching out during this time is what smart people do. Trust me, you will have a very difficult time getting through this without some faith and someone to lean on. Seek them out if needed.
Trude, you said, “My husband and I are both very scared and worried because the charges are serious (9 counts of possession) and there is a minimum mandatory sentence of 3 years without parole for each count that he is convicted of.”
Here is what will happen, Trude. Your husband has nine counts of possession, which is a blessing in that distribution, receipt, or production was not involved. You might think, “REW, have you lost your mind. Nine counts even of possession is very serious.” Yes, it is serious but could be much worse.
In the beginning, the prosecutor will throw as many charges and counts he can on a defendant. They all do this, hoping as many stick as possible. The reason DAs do this is that they want to put fear into the offender so he does not dare go to trial and if some of the charges are dropped, he will have the other charges to fall back on. Most all DAs used this tactic and sometimes these criminal investigations have a strategy involved.
Although I don’t know the details of the case, your husband will have to plea bargain, as going to trial would be suicide. When he does negotiate a plea with the prosecutor, the DA will drop ALL the counts except one or two and he will plead guilty to those counts only. You may have been thinking, “nine counts @ three years for each count is 27 years.” This is NOT what will happen. Those nine counts will probably be reduced to one single count, and he will be sentenced on that count.
Here is an example----‘
http://tinyurl.com/y99vwexw
Mr. Croker was sentenced to five years in a CP case. If you read down the DOJ press release, you will see that originally they found more than 2,000 videos and 54 images on his digital devices. I could not find the original arrest, but I can assure you that when he was arrested he was charged with multiple counts of CP. Notice that in the final plea, ALL charges except one charge was dropped. The same thing will happen to your husband. Trust me, they will not sentence him on nine charges.
Prosecutors play this overcharging game but will reduce the amount of charges----and sometimes the charge itself----in exchange for a plea of guilty from the defendant. DAs do not like to go to trial and defendants want a more lenient sentence, so both parties gain with a plea bargain.
Trude, you said, “I have been spending these last couple days letting him know that I still love him, I support him, and that we will get through this together. He told me that he thought for sure he would lose me if I knew, and that's why he never told me before.”
This is the key and the attitude you must have to get you and your husband through this. Trust me, I have gone through this with many families, and you both WILL get through this. There IS life after a felony sex conviction. No, it will not be easy, in fact it may be one of the roughest times of your lives, BUT you will make it through.
People with addictions usually hide their addiction from their loved ones. They are usually not proud of themselves for having an addiction----especially a porn addiction----so they just struggle with it. Often they don’t tell their wife, mother, or loved one as they don’t want to hurt them and they think they---the offender---can work through the addiction. In the case of a wife, they don’t want to lose what they love. Hell, if your husbands did not love you, Candice and Trude, they would not care if you knew.
I know you both may think, “How could he do this to me and our family?? After all we have been through, why did he do such a stupid thing?? Does he not love me?? Does he have any idea what he has put me through?”
The answer to all those questions is simple-----He suffered an addiction and was unable to stop his offending behavior. Most CP charges are a mental health problem or have some type of mental disability or life crisis as the root of the addiction. He did not get help for his addiction as he thought he could handle it on his own, and if he did reach out for help, you would find out. He did not want that.
There are all kinds of addicitons-----sex, gambling, drugs, alcohol, and yes, even porn. I had a couple of CP offenders tell me that the porn was like crack cocaine and they could not stop. All the addictions have one thing in common: they have managed to take over one’s soul. Addicted individuals have little or no control over their addiction.
Your husband is not a monster, nor is he a pervert or weirdo. He is a flawed human being, just as you and I are flawed human beings.
Candice and Trude, it is also imperative that you take care of yourselves and validate your feelings. Your feelings are every bit as important as your husband’s. You wives may have to carry the bigger part of the load, as your husband may be too weary to do much AT THIS TIME, so you may have to be the rock for a while. As time goes by, things will get better, but right now I know you are going through a personal hell.
God bless you both. Hold on to your faith and take one day at a time. If you ever need me, you can privately message me.
rewdiazepam
I've been talking to several attorneys to try and find a good one. They have also suggested getting a psych evaluation and getting started in treatment before the case goes forward. It's going to cost about $13k for a good attorney, and that doesn't include the psych evaluation or the cost of therapy. I don't know how we are going to afford it but we will have to find the money somewhere.
The attorneys I've spoken to have said that there is a good possibility that he will probably have to go away for 3-7 years. I can't even wrap my head around it.
Thanks again for your words of encouragement. At times like this, I have to cling to those things.
I sent you a private message. Check your messages.
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When you look for an attorney, keep several things in mind.
You want someone who has had some previous experience in CP cases. CP cases are a little different than property crimes, so keep this in mind.
You want a criminal defense attorney that has a lot of experience in your area. Look around and see how many of his cases are in the media, how those cases turned out, and the sentences the offender received.
You do NOT need a criminal defense trial attorney, as he will not be going to trial. So a guy like Perry Mason or Matlock is not necessarily what your husband needs. He needs a good negotiator who has a good relationship with the prosecutor; this will help your husband get the best deal possible.
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REW, that is exactly who I have been looking for. I have it mostly narrowed down to three lawyers and will have hubby meet with them to decide who he will hire. I have made sure to ask about their experience in this area, how many of these types of cases they've handled, how familiar they are with the county DA, and what the outcomes have been for those cases. It looks like the upfront fees for their services, not including the psych evaluation or any experts that they may use, is anywhere between $13k and $20k. We are fortunate in that we can probably afford that fee now, it will likely wipe out our savings, and if he loses his job, we won't have anything to fall back on. Just another thing to worry about.
In the federal system, distribution, production, or receipt of CP has a mandatory minimum sentence of five years. Possession has no mandatory minimum.
If I said any differently, I mistyped. I don’t know what I was thinking when I said that.
CP charges at the state level are more lenient. Most states do not have mandatory minimums for CP charges.
I don’t know where I said any differently, but thank you, Renee, for pointing that out to me and others. You are correct; there is no mandatory minimum for simple possession at the federal level.
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