Welcome to the board.

Harassment occurs less than you would think. Many of my son's neighbors are cold to him but he has never been confronted. At most, you'll probably have awkward moments where you'll never really know if someone knows or if they don't. I would suggest (as Rew has mentioned) of buying a property in a totally rural area, outside any township, city, village, etc, where the distance between him and any place involving where children congregate wouldn't exist as an issue. A nice rural home in the countryside.

SO's can typically find jobs in manufacturing. I've heard of registrants becoming independent realtors or starting businesses for themselves. There will always be jobs out there but they won't be glamorous. If he had a professional licence, it is doubtful he will be able to go back to the kind of job he was accustomed to having.

Are you already on his approved list for visitation? Is he in a federal facility or a state facility? I think the best way to be supportive is to continue to show him unconditional love. He will be feeling incredible shame right now. He's in an environment where the whole purpose is to make you feel subhuman. Every time he see's you, it will probably be a breath of fresh air. But pressing is also very taxing and he may not be all smiles every visit. Don't take it personally.

It sounds like what you are describing is a typical online CP sting. My son was charged with downloading CP through a sting. Most of these people are not predators or truly dangerous.

I wish you and your friend the very best. Again, welcome to the board.

As they far as re-enty to the 2 half way houses you mentioned, it isn't a question of 'are they worth it' in my opinion it's a question of will they take him. Whether he serves his entire sentence (cleans up) before he gets out or whether he gets a parole and leaves to finish up his sentence on the outside (on parole / still 'on paper') he must have the place he plans to live pre-approved before he gets out. "Pre-pproval' includes whether there are schools or children or churches or parks or day care centers within a certain distance of where he wants to live. There is a lot to getting out. JanetM

But pressing is also very taxing

I mean "prison" not "pressing"

michiganfamily - Thank you - Yes I am on his visitation list, he is at federal. I have been the only person from his previous world other then his parents to come visit or have any contact with him since all of this. We email usually 1-2 times a week now. When I first found out he was in, it was daily and could be several times a day. I met him when I was 19 and felt like my soul mate. We have always had this weird connection. We dated briefly but life got in the way of us as a couple and we were both really young. At one point I would have just about done anything to marry him and there have been times we talked about it. Admittedly with this part of things - as long as he is on the registry - I won't date him. I love him to pieces and will do anything for him and be supportive, but that is very different then being married in it.

Cold neighbors I can deal with. For him, I don't think he would mind. He held a security clearance before for his job and got very used to compartmentalizing his world. He loves to build and work on projects. When I met him he was actually building a motorcycle in his 2 bedroom apartment. We talk quite a bit about him building a tiny house. He spends lots of his time in the wood shop when he isn't working. Good to know about just looking for something outside of the townships. We will still have to figure out the car issue of course.

Good to know about the manufacturing. We both held professional jobs before he went in. Oddly the security agency he worked did not have an issue with his arrest, it was the issue that he could not hold his clearance once convicted.

What are the basic restrictions your son lives under? Does the online thing get easier or last for only a period of time?

Janetmackie - the halfway houses I mentioned are the 2 that take SOs. I believe this counselor mentioned them to him. He has heard one was not a great place for SOs and the fees that come with half way houses seem almost pointless to be out. As I mentioned - money is going to be an issue. He has done all of the rehabilitation that is possible as well as is now on anti-depressants. He follows 12 step too.

We will have roughly 2 years before he gets out, hence the idea of dealing with buying him a house/land and being done with the whole concern. I actually live in Texas. He is just one of my best friends and I am in a position where financially as I mentioned - he would make for a great tenant and the relationship could be mutual, not one sided.

Thank you both for your comments and advice!

Wow you are a good Friend. Also don't forget to put money on his account when you can. I do it through western union for their food, shoes, soaps, etc.

A house would be wonderful because it is so difficult for someone without a spouse or parents to find a place to live where there is not a restriction.

Welcome to our family.

You can be supportive by putting money on his phone account so he can call you. Write letters to him, so he knows you still think about him, even if its what you did that day. If you are able, become an approved visitor and visit him as often as you can.

If you are able, and willing, you can put money on his books to spend on commissary, or you can send him books, or order magazines/newspaper.

Finding a fixer upper would be a good idea. You can start by looking at the registry to see where there are clusters of those on the registry (in case there are any residency restrictions). House near where SOs reside are also cheaper than the same homes in similar neighborhoods, square footage, etc without a SO living nearby- so that is an added benefit to you.

The best way you can help your friend in prison is to constantly remind him that you are standing by him and you will continue to stand by him regardless.

Often when a new inmate goes to prison, all his friends who said they would write, fail to do so. Those that did write once in a while in the beginning will slowly stop writing after a while. The wife or GF may have gone AWOL. Everyone has put him out of their lives. Deep down he may wonder if you, too, will abandon him.

Inmates generally do well if they have at least one person who they can trust to be there for them. Inmates do not generally do as well if their entire family has abandoned them and they have no support at all.

Reassure him that you are here to stay. You do that with cards and letters, lots of letters. An inmate can never receive too much mail. If you cannot write as often as you would like, pick him up a funny card and send it.

Do anything that will continually assure him that you will not abandon him.

More importantly, you have to convey that you believe in him as a person. You believe he is a decent person regardless of his crime and that you are confident he can rebuild his life after prison. You have confidence that he can have a life after prison.

Your friend had a porn addiction that went off the rails. He was a porn addict, not a pervert. He is a sex offender only in the legal sense. It is important for both of you to realize this fact.

Inmates generally have a fear that after prison their life will have no meaning, that everyone will have either forgotten them or hate them because of their crime, or that they will never be able to acclimate back into society. Many sex offenders in prison worry how they will be accepted by their family, their old friends, or society in general because of the sensitive nature of their crime.

Some go so far as to think nobody will ever love them again.

You have to convince him that he can get through this and that somehow he will find his way back into society. Some of the other posters here have given some good advice on a place for him to live and a job, so build on those ideas and encourage him that there are jobs and places to live out here after prison. Tell him what some of the people who know are telling you about places to work or live. Give him hope.

Keeping the lines of communication open is also very important. Letters, emails, and phone calls are like gold to inmates. Letters are especially important in that he can read the letter a couple of times, put it away in his locker, and then when he hits a "down" period emotionally----and we all did----he can reach for that letter, which will make him feel better.

I don't know how many times at mail call I saw an inmate who received a letter with the broadest smile on his face practically dancing back to the cell; I also saw inmates who had hoped for a letter, but failed to receive one, look as if they had lost their last friend. Letters mean everything to inmates.

The continual letters will also reassure him that you have no plans to forget him as all the others have.

You also have to give him hope. Inmates need hope more than anything. They need to know that they can overcome prison if they try.

Elizabeth, you mentioned that he held a professional job before his conviction and subsequent incarceration. He is an intelligent guy. Let me tell you something----intelligent people almost always get through prison and do fairly well after their release. They can usually figure things out on their own and take the necessary steps to be successful.

In the history of this country, thousands upon thousands of men and women have gone to prison and 99% of them came out fine and were able to go on with their lives. With his intelligence, there is no reason he cannot do the same.

Life after prison and on the sex offender registry is not easy, but it is DOABLE

He will do fine upon his release. Intelligent people almost always find a way.

Don't panic, take one day at a time and don't borrow trouble by worrying about something which will probably never happen, and have faith in him and yourself.

rewdiazepam

Whatever you decide to do to be 'supportive', remember that what he does and what he decides and how he reacts when the chips are down are the crucial factors in whether he succeeds or not when he leaves custody. . It's too easy for a very close friend/ gf / or family member to blame themselves when/ if he falls back or fails to succeed. or chooses to go his own way after prison is behind him .

Once he gets his legs under him, if you continue to hover/ offer 'help' at the level he may have needed when he first got out , he will probably start to feel like he has exchanged one (prison) warden for another (you) no matter how good your intentions. Like every adult, he has to regain control of his own life and point his life in whatever direction he chooses. (ever hear the saying, If you love someone, turn them loose, if they come back then you know it's really love.)

Did you ever think of becoming a landlord before this? Or is this plan to buy a rental only because of him? What happens if he just lives there and free-loads? What happens if he moves a girlfriend in? What happens if he moves out and leaves you (still a land-lord) looking for another tenant?

I say only do what you had in mind doing anyway. Buy a rental if that's what you had planned to do anyway...otherwise if things go south (again) with your friendship afterwards you don't want to be sitting around whining. telling yourself "and after all I did for him..." The sad fact is that no matter what exciting dreams you both have planning toward 'getting out', many, if not most prison relationships do not survive very long once someone gets out.

I'm not saying don't hope for the best but do not assume you hold the magic wand or that your 'support' can make all the difference/ save him from himself or from what happens out in the world once he's out..

As Rew says "he will do fine upon release. Intelligent people always find a way" ...however they don;'t always find their way together in the long run. Not any more than your relationship before he went to prison was 'forever' for what ever reasons...life does intervene. Sometimes. but not always and as people who care we often ignore 'reality' and find that we managed to make it even after they got out. But there are no guarantees and I have seen friends get really hurt once their guys got out and the relationship couldn't survive the freedom both had dreamed of for so long.

I'd say go for it but remember it's the guy who has to "figure things out on their own and take the necessary steps to be successful." If you let him go and he figures it out for himself and 'comes back' that's when the relationship will define itself and you'll (both) have a chance for long-term success.

Take care. JanetM

I think this young lady's chances of making this relationship work---if that is her choice---is much better than a relationship with a typical inmate.

One thing I noticed in prison was that so many inmates had no communication skills toward others, nor did they show any critical thinking skills. This may shock some, but when I was tutoring the average TABE score of inmates---Tests of Adult Basic Education----was equivalent to a ninth grade level.

Her friend obviously does have decent communication skills and he is intelligent, so he will be able to find a job once released.

I don't think prison turns most inmates into stupid or immoral people, unless the inmate is very young, so I would expect him to leave prison with the same positive traits as when he entered confinement.

His crimes were CP charges for an out-of-control porn addiction. I doubt he is an immoral person such as people who rob banks, kidnap other people, or commit violent crimes. He is not a criminal, but just a guy who made a very stupid mistake.

I think he will be fine. The registry will be difficult but there are ways to mitigate the effects of the registry.

But my friend Janet is correct----there are no guarantees.

rewdiazepam

Wow. You guys are basically an echo of my own story, just about 4/5 years behind. Instead of making a super long post about everything I can tell you to expect and do, feel free to message me and I'll help all I can.

You're friend is luckier than he realizes. Life isn't over, but it will always be hard from here on. Also see if his place has an RDAP program he can complete to get out a year earlier. Plus it's good therapy and may help down the road with probation.

Thank you everyone.

He is extremely intelligent that is one of the things that has connected us. Almost so much so it makes him a bit of an odd bird sometimes. The joys of a photographic memory.....(wish I had one...). His world before being convicted was very much based around communications and computers, which now he obviously will not be doing. I think there is a bit of a struggle trying to figure out WHAT to do since he could be good at anything he sets his mind to. The issue will be WHAT can he get work in?

I will need to keep in mind about the landlord issue. Though I don't see housing as an investment, it is simply useful for the time you are in it. For me - if he decided to move or it was not needed it would be sold. Housing serves its purpose nothing more. Both of us are fairly transient people with very "militaryish" lifestyles which means housing is just a thing. Given I live 1/2 way across the country it would just be an easy way to address the issue for him and be tax beneficial to me.

Your answers make me smile about us as a couple. Honestly I doubt we will ever be one. He was married for 10 years before he went in and I am still very much in the throws of building my career and have no plans to slow down from traveling the world. We will and have always been friends - nothing ever went south, just different which is why we aren't together. I went after an MBA in Europe and he was looking at FBI work where he would be off the grid for long periods of time. So nothing went "south" as people mention above. We will however always remain friends and be the old people with crazy stories of our younger lives in the nursing home. Making people ask "That shit can't be true, is it?"

As far as residency restrictions, PA doesn't have any