My advice is not to discuss things from a 1st person sense, but a third person sense instead if you are so compelled to discuss anything, because there have been many who have been shunned by the church even though they are a family member of an SO, just because they are related. Minister or not, church goer or not, people do not loose their hate for SO's and their prejudice against their family members, just because they have some religious title and it does not matter if the SO will or will not attend the church.

If, however, you approach it from a third person sense, to educate the Minister that does not identify any person who is an SO or their family members and discusses it from the angle of your trying to come to grips with the religious aspects, i.e. forgiving verses the personal aspects, i.e. hating, perhaps you will gain ground. If nothing else, you set the stage that if you are confronted later you have the Minister's statements to claim ground because when discussing such on a third person sense or hypothetical aspect, the proper religious response is to say forgive the person and accept them as a child of God.

This is a very difficult situation for you. I am not a religious person but I studied religious education as it fascinates me, I may not have found my faith in one particular church but I know you must feel passionate about yours.
As LegalGuardian suggested, try asking the minister just generally what the views of the church are. Each church is different. My mother in law was terrified going back to her church after she was absent for 2 weeks following her sons sentence. It had done the rounds in the media by then too, big news in a small town im sure you get the idea. She had messages of support from her church but nothing negative. It was rather surprising as you can be cast out for smoking!
An acquaintance came to visit me after the sentence, they follow the same religion and their words to me were "we have no right to judge him, there is only one who can do that and that will be Him". I felt pretty good about that.
One of the religious halls allows a SO rehab course to run on its grounds which is wonderfully accepting.
Your church may be one of the good ones like my friends and family have experienced (we have a collection of 6 religions with no churches or halls having any issues, or at least none that have been brought up)but definitely find out from the minister. As you say you are doing this to protect yourself and your church. I hope you get the answers you want.

Honestly if you want total rejection then tell the minister, I know this from experience many years ago, IMO I would stay away from church until you get stronger. But they would probably be a lot harsher on the RC, heck take him or her out and stone them while they preach forgiveness.

Thank you all for your insight. I really am struggling. And I do understand what you're all saying. People do judge harshly, even the family. At this point, I'm not sure if people already know. Part of me thinks that confiding in someone may just makes things worse. But there is that hopeful part of me that says I need to trust the church and let them know they can trust me.

I have a feeling once he's sentenced, things will be all over the news again. Which will make it nearly impossible to be anonymous, again. However, I'm hoping it's not too bad. 'knock on wood' There are no new charges, so if anything should come out into the media again during sentencing I don't believe it will be surprising, which hopefully will downplay any new interest in us. But, I still have to face the church. It's all so new and I really value this relationship.

It's going to require some more thought I guess.

Pray ahead of time. I've found one church that wasn't supportive, but another that was. I do believe prayers can help you as you go into speak with the pastor. Pray that God will open their heart and mind, that they will help support you and your family, and your loved one when they are released. Pray that the congragation will love and support you, and don't engage in gossip.

I believe you are doing the right thing, and that God will lead you to the right place for you and your family to worship.

My pastor is an awesome pastor.

One time I asked him about putting everything into the light so to speak, because it would feel like it would lift a TON off of my shoulders. Here is what he basically said.

"It's nobody's business. When you tell people of something like this of some sort of magnitude in a sense you are asking them to hold you accountable (Frgvnss I know that you are not the one who committed the crime) and/or it might put people to look at you in a funny way. In a way you are asking them to deal with something that they have no business handling."

I want to add to this. People have a hell of a time managing their OWN lives, little lone someone else's.

I am still struggling with this issue myself even though I have already made the decision to keep quiet. Here is what I have learned:

1. I have acted like "myself" and have acted accordingly.
2. I have more than enough support whether people know of my offense or not. (Some still act weird towards me but still say "Hi.", but it's on them.
3. My pastor(s) support me 100% and they know they can call on me to give any help I can give to the best of my ability.
4. I think about "Letting the cat out of the bag", but the more I think about it and have received really good advice from a friend on this blog the more that would be a BAD idea. Why make people possibly uncomfortable around you?
5. I have learned to think that if my pastor(s) and others support me and others do not; if they have a problem with me then they can come talk to me. If they cannot do that, then they can talk to my pastor. If they still want to complain then they can take it to God Himself.
6. If they still have a problem and want to leave the church... then let not the door hit their rear ends on the way out.

I have always murmured to myself if fellow church goers who do not attend anymore have done so because of me. But that's always a "what if" situation and I suppress those thoughts as best I can even though they creep up every once in awhile.

If people want to leave the church because of that... then they truly need to re-learn what forgiveness means and what God says about that subject.

I am sure they would be surprised to know the real truth.

My advice is to 1. Keep it to yourself. Even if people are nosey busybodies you can tell them literally, "My ___________ will be serving _______ years and they could really use your prayers and support right now for living a new life in Jesus. 2. Draw upon the strength that Jesus already gave you when He died on the cross, you don't need to pray for any more strength because then that means that Jesus' death didn't mean anything if you have to pray for more. When God does things, He does things right...the first time. God's Holy Spirit Power was already released in FULL when Jesus rose from the grave.

And remember... stand strong in Jesus' name ;0)

-Steps

I agree that you should pray beforehand for those you intend to share with. My experience was extremely negative. I was the church secretary for nearly 8 years and continued to lead the women's ministry after I was no longer employed at the church for another 2 years. After I went to the pastors for support I was completely ignored by them and within 5 months of my son's arrest I had been cut out of the ministry there altogether. I have since found another church and I can also attest that not all churches will judge you for your family member's crime or for continuing to support them. You may have to do some "church shopping" to find the right place of worship. All people are sinners and all are loved by God - no matter what!! I'll be praying for you and your pastors.

Pastors are human and have their faults just like anyone else. Some may turn you away but not all are like that. My pastor knows about my son and treats us the same as anyone else in the church. If your pastor is not accepting, look for another church.

Thank you everyone! I have been speaking with friends/family and have decided that although some in the church already may know, I'm going to remain quiet unless provoked. I will always stand up for him and our family. Our family member is where he has asked to be as he feels this is what he deserves. He knows and admits he's done wrong. In time his life will unfold, and as complicated as it will get, he will continue to grow and will need his family by him. We are encouraging him to seek out religion while in jail, and I think he is slowly coming around. Forgiveness starts with yourself first. I'm hoping he sees this and will start his spiritual journey into healing soon. Thank you all so much!

I have a wonderful pastor also. He's been through similar situation with his son. He opened both of us with open arms. We went to him while charges were still pending. When my husband was arrested he went to all but one hearing with me. The one he didn't go to his wife had cancer surgery. After my husband was charged he sat down with me and prayed. I feel very fortunate to have someone to confide in.

Frg,

Your situation is nobody's damn business. PERIOD.

Keep quiet, be humble and respectful to others, and do not talk about your predicament. The more you talk, the more information you give others to twist and use as gossip. And I assure you that some of the people you consider friends will gossip about your situation. Don't give the town busybodies any gasoline to throw on the fire and turn it into a raging inferno.

Once you tell someone----anyone---it is no longer a secret. You can tell your pastor, but I would not tell anyone else. If you did tell one person, they would tell a friend with the admonition to "don't tell anyone else." Then that person would tell their best friend and ask him to not tell anyone else. Before you know it, the entire town knows your business.

You can do this with the help of your faith. Many great men over the years have learned to suffer in silence. You and your family WILL get through this, but I want you and your family to get through this with DIGNITY.

Why is dignity so important in these situations? Because someday this will be all over and you will need to go on with your life in a positive manner. Dignity is always important. Without dignity, we lost our self-respect, and with no self respect we struggle as human beings.

Keep your chin up. We are here if you need us.

rewdiazepam

if you disclose private family information (even to your pastor) and you don't get the support you hope for....How will you feel? on the practical side, might you get fired? If your neighbors/ church members give you the cold shoulder how will you manage the additional stress? Could this effect your housing situation? What happens at school if you have children how will they be treated? What about your baby sitter? Will 'friends' all expect you to get a divorce to prove to them that you don't approve of his behavior?
As soon as you open your mouth expect to be judged, whether they approve or disapprove they think they have the right to judge. Judgment is not acceptance. " Telling them" isn't a way to reassure them/ your church that they can trust you. Just the opposite.

Remember None of them are any more 'experienced' in this situation than you are. They think the way you probably used to think before all this happened and most will expect you to think just as they still do.

My advise: Be friendly but keep your own counsel. Hold your head up and them at arms length. This is real life and there are consequences when talk gets around. . You have support on Daily Strength and there are religious people here on Daily Strength willing to help who do understand what you're going through. . I'd say just bide your time. Wait another 6 months or a year before you take risks or make irreversible decisions about who to trust further. By then you will realize your own strength. .

I agree with the others. Pray before hand! God will lead you in the direction you should go. I have been in a church that did not support me. In fact they pretty much pushed me out the door. I have a church now who the pastor is wonderful. He will tell you we all have sinned and fallen short. God is there to forgive if we forgive others. He preaches forgiveness and also lives that. The first church we were attending did also but the did not live it.

Thank you all so very much!!! This has been a tough decision, however I think the best thing is to keep everything to myself. We have close friends and family that know. Neighbors are slowly coming around, although it's not a topic of discussion. The fact this hit every local TV channel, newspaper, and good ol' social media, isn't something we can hide from. We have ties in our home town that span almost a decade. We are known, and up til now, in a positive way. The past few years haven't been easy, and this has been a whole other nightmare. This page is a blessing. I may not respond to a lot of posts, but I'm getting more educated about how scary this world is. The laws, bills, and how other states deal with RSO's, it's been eye opening to say the least. My heart goes out to all of us.

Thank you again!

I'm just curious whether people just move and start all over in another town to avoid all of the gossip, etc.? Sure, an option is to stay and ignore all the looks, comments, etc., but if it was me, I'm wondering whether I would just want to start fresh and not deal with all of this small town gossip? I don't know what I would do. But, in any case, I'm happy you are comfortable with your decision. Keep the faith!