I was angry at hubby in beginning, but I then turned my anger towards the state and those in the court system. They don't care about the families impacted. You have non-violent offenders (but offenses are considered as violent though), serving more time in prison than murderers.

It's difficult to manage a household going from 2 incomes to one overnight. Just take this all one day at a time, and help whenever you can with your mother.

You are not naive. Many people go years between when the computers are taken before charges are formally charged. As far as CP, it could be a unintentional download, or they thought they downloaded legal porn, but a girl in photo, law enforcement says is < 18.

I am so sorry you are going through this. The emotional pain and confusion is absolutely horrific. I know. I went through it but I was on the other side.

I was falsely convicted and I was VERY angry and very bitter at the state, at society, at the courts, and yes, even at God. Frankly, I did not handle it very well at all.

The anger was so intense that it began to consume me. It was at that point I realized that I needed to accept it, remember that life is not fair, and learn to start living again.

But it took me over 10 years to get to that point. Time is the best healer.
At this point in your situation, I think you need to be mad as hell!!! You need to grieve and you need to be assured that your feelings are valid and real----and you have a right to feel as you do.

You need to tell your father and brother what they have done to the family and the problems it has caused. It is the only way to validate your feelings.

But at some point, you need to allow your body and soul to start healing. When that time is, I don't know. But you cannot be angry forever or it will destroy you.
I know. It almost did me. I tell people that because I don't want them to make the same mistake I did.

You asked, "How can I forgive them for this?" You can't right now. You are not in the frame of mind to do that right now, but hopefully, you will someday.

You have come to the right place. The people here are compassionate and understanding. And nobody passes judgment on anyone else here. We all understand because we have or are in the same boat.

Take one day at a time.

God Bless you,

rewdiazepam

I agree, I went from being angry at myself to now devoting energy to gathering as much info as possible to make my case with our lawyer. Lol, who knows by the time I'm done I could probably write a book. Yeah I don't get how someone like Billy Lane who had a long list of priors only gets four years for murder, gets out after four on work release and gets his felonies taken off his record. It's mind boggling to me.

MeanReds, yes it is tons of work. Legal, non-legal, support, financially, etc. My son told me him and another inmate also in for CP both agreed its harder on us on the outside. We have to face everyone and they can essentially hide behind the bars. But that's only true for awhile. Then things settle down and they have to face the hard facts of their sentences. Being in prison for any CP charge is not easy on them. My son is fortunate but I read some real sad stories of what they do to them. Hopefully your father and brother if sentenced will be in a low facility. You ask how is this an appropriate reaction - IT'S NOT!
People look at CP the same way the prison does - all the same charge no matter what they did. It's just not right but not sure that will ever change.
Hang in there, come often for advice or just to cry to us...we understand because we have all been there or currently like myself.

I was angry with my son at first, (he was living with my husband and I when our home got raided). but then I realized he has an illness. I think it also helped that his lawyer told us that he is in a very large boat with a lot of people.
You have come to the right place for advice, information, to vent. I am sorry that due to circumstances beyond your control you find yourself in need of this group, but know that you are welcome here. :)

Sad to say that I am glad that you shared how you feel. I have the same jealous feelings sometimes towards my husband too! Sad and glad to say that I am not abnormal after all.:P

My husband is in jail for CP right now. I understand how you felt as the one being at the outside and has to deal with everything. Once I told my father in law that I felt like the one that is being punished by the system for his crime.

There are times when I felt overwhelmed, the house is falling apart, the endless chore list, and 1000 other things, plus the stress, shame, and emotional rides that I was on. I just kept telling myself, just pick one thing to do today, by the time that one thing is done, if I have energy, then do it, it not, just rest. I even told my family and friends that I will be a slacker from now on because I just can not take anymore. Luckily, most of them are very understandable and tolerate me well.

Take care of yourself first and then you will have extra for your mom and your father and brother.

It is important like Rew said to tell your father and brother about the impact that you received due to their action.

Come here to vent as much and as often as you need to. We are here for you.

Thank you so much for all the replies. It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not alone. I don't think many people ever have to go through such an emotionally confusing time. I love my family unconditionally but it is so hard to feel that and the shame and anger toward them for this.

I am very lucky because I can in some ways get away from it. My mom is really taking the brunt of it and since its two people in the same family, it is really compounded. I can't let her do it alone. We are extremely close and she is the most kind and generous person I've ever known. I just hope that I can take a little bit of the pressure off of her.

I know that they are going through their own things too. My father is absolutely terrified of going to prison and has had a major breakdown because of it. I know what he's going through in some sense; I've been dealing with panic and anxiety for several years. But I can't help but feel like those of us on the outside of it are the only ones worried about how we're going to handle things while they're gone.

Thanks again <3 you are so helpful. I've been lurking a bit the past couple weeks trying to figure out what to say. I don't know that there are really any words for what we are going through. My thoughts go out to all of you going through this as well. I never ever would have thought it would happen to my family and never even stopped to think of what it does to innocent people caught in the crossfire.

You are taking your mom's pressure off already just being there. I know from my own experience that simply receiving support and know the person is by your side is a HUGE stress reducer for me. Knowing that i am not all alone in this is a huge help.

Hang in there.

Thank you. I hope that I really am helping. Sometimes I wish that she would just move in with me and leave them to figure it all out for themselves. I know I could never do it but it definitely crosses my mind from time to time. Then I feel bad for having such angry feelings. I hope that with time I can let go of those thoughts.

Is there any information on why it has taken nearly four years to charge your father and brother? After that long I'd be questioning whether anything illegal even happened.

The only information we were given was that they were really backed up. I can't say much about what they did or did not do as I'm not sure I could handle knowing the details. However, they both gave statements to the police and definitely talked their way right into prison.

Because of that, I also have a lot of regret that I did not make sure that they kept their mouths shut. At the time when they raided the house 4 years ago, I was just so incredibly angry at them, at the cops, at life, that I didn't care what they did. I was just fuming at having been woken up and pulled out of bed half dressed and being treated like a criminal. I know its not my fault, but I can't help but look back and see all the things I could have done differently.

Omg , we all feel the same pain. You just described the roller coaster I have been on. I was never angry at my brother, but only because I was raised to believe that no matter what, due to his autism, nothing was ever his fault. And it was after all my fault the police came to our house in the first place, since I was doing drugs and the police had reason to believe I was involved in white collar crime.

Like frogpond said, I turned my anger first into determination to do whatever I could, read every case law to try and save my brother. Lol I took that movie Conviction, with Hillary Swank to a personal level. In the end it was me who insisted on some of the most basic motions be filed. His lawyer wasn't even going to file for rule 32 until I insisted on it.

And my mom! Sometimes my anger is directed at her, I have devoted my life to taking care of her and her big house that she can't afford but can't bear to part with, so every month is a struggle as to how we will pay the mortgage payment...it is by the grace of god and a lot of pawn shops that she still has this house. since my older brother decided this whole situation was more then he could handle, and inn a way my dad did too..by dying.

Rew is right though, you have to let go of the anger , otherwise it will eat you alive. Even now though, I have a four yr old son that I constantly feel like I am incapable of giving him the full attention he needs., because if I'm not doing some kind of activism, to right our families wrongs , I will fall back into being angry. So I let that consume my life and live with the guilt of somehow not being the mother my son deserves

Also...the anxiety, like meanreds said, is like nothing I have ever experienced. The only option for me is medication like Xanax, which now is leading to even bigger problems. Anyone ever notice how addictive that stuff is? I swear if my doctor talks about switching me to adavan one more time ..well I will probably have a panic attack over it lol

MeanReds,

Sometimes the anger can be beneficial. I know it helped me survive prison.

I would see guys come into prison and become so depressed that they would lie in a fetal position, immobilize by the fear. One guy I knew never left the cell, as he was just too depressed and upset. Another cellie stayed on his top bunk and cried most of the time.

He allowed his emotions to work against him. He allowed his depression to make his life in prison a living hell. He gave in to his emotions.

I was so damn mad that there was no way I was ever going to get depressed. That anger fueled me and actually made prison easier. There was no damn way on earth that I was going to allow the system to beat me----and it didn't.

So sometimes anger is a good thing. But it has to be a "controlled anger" or it will consume a person.

Sometimes we have to have anger to keep us going.

rewdiazepam

My husband too, was naive at the time when cops came. He is the class case of talking himself into jail. He was being honest and he wanted help for so long, so the first thing came to him, he jammed on coming out clean.

There are so many times we were so upset that lawyers that we talked with said that he was too honest and it gave them no room to help him much on negotiation.

We later decided to make peace with the fact that he were honest and got him into more trouble. Because it already had happened. No amount of regard is going to turn the time around and do it all over again. So we decided to see beyond this case. We chose to see it as it is his first step that he took for walking on the right path. We ignore all the negativity came with the "honest" issue, but focus on the positivity, such as that his honesty so all his evaluation came out great. Our lawyer said she has not seen better report than his. And because of his honesty, his wife stay with him, his parents and close friends support him. And the most important of all, he finally is able to stay sober of sex addiction.

I am not sure if your father and brother is addict to porn. Mine is. Between cops first visit to his sentencing date, he has been going to SA meeting every week. And I found that SA-non meeting is also helpful for me. This group is great, but If you are also needing face to face support, SA-non meeting is a great group too. Most of the member in SA-non has dealt with things like this too.

On top of it, I also try not to think too far ahead and scar myself to death. I handle my anxiety by just stay in the moment and focus on the positivity. It might seems that I knew all the answer, but I have to tell you, i am also needing reminder from others to practice this from time to time. Take a day, a minute at a time.:)