Right?! I was told I must be co-dependent. If anyone knows me, that is so completely untrue. I have always been very independent, that was one reason why hubby and I got along so well. We allowed each other to be individuals, we don't have to be attached to each other's hip.

Or, I am told that I don't care about my daughter's needs, that I'm being selfish. Yet, no one wants to listen to what SHE has to say. Like "I miss my dad. I want dad home. I don't want you both to get divorced. If I can forgive them everyone else should too..." I could go on and on, but apparently, she must me too young to understand what she wants it is in denial.

Oh they are a treat aren't they?? I had to have a meeting alone with our social worker to "unpick" my feelings on our relationship. It was hilarious:

SW: I'm concerned that you are compartmentalising his crimes
Me: Well of course I am! He's committed some dreadful offences, but that's only one part of him. He's got a great deal of work to do before he can be considered safe around the kids, but I believe he can get there with support.
SW: Um...ok

Thoughtasweak and Phoenixmum it's all about the arrogance of "helpers" who all think they know better but only pick up a few buzz words like "in denial" if our ideas are different than their party line.which is them telling us (and our kids and everyone else) what we should and should not feel/ think/do...in their view all victims must stay victims all their lives and if the "victim" express forgiveness then their wants and needs are ignored and discounted just as much as ours and our loved ones ....Everyone concerned must stay frozen in place so the helpers always have someone to "help." Just saying JanetM

Janet - yes. My children weren't victims, but its been a continual source of confusion for social services that they are absolutely normal, happy and progressing extremely well, in spite of their regular contact with Dad. They had an assessment last month, where the social worker was asking questions along the lines of "what do you like about Daddy" "what would you like Daddy to stop doing?". Clearly digging for dirt. I was extremely smug - the "worst thing about Daddy" is that he doesn't live with them and they can only see him at the weekends.

I was told that I was 'Manipulated' by my husband and that 'Predators like him' are very calculated and sly and know how to get people to do what they want and believe what they want them to believe... This coming from a woman who had never even met him. Yet all his court reports from his probation officer, the police and psychatrists stated how remorseful he was, how he had co-operated fully and how he was keen to address his offending...

"They" read about "those people" in books. There may be some (of those people) who fit the label however unless they actually know the person they have no idea of whether any individual human being actually meets the "criteria" for " sly predator" and even after that they think once labeled the label IS the person forever...no possibility that anyone would "address their offending" so step 1) just affix the label and that's that.

Now , step 2) according to the label people "like that" must have a wife who is like this (another label) and children who are...chose another label...The problem is (as I see it) that too often the label comes with a prescription of what type of therapy is required for this label.... If the label isn'r "right" then their prescribed treatment doesn't "work" but if it doesn't work they don't see that the problem might be that they proscribed the wrong treatment because they affixed the wrong label, they see the failure as the person's fault..."un-responsive to treatment / uncooperative/ too far gone in his (pathology)...

Step 3) They can see your kids are happy and healthy but think they shouldn't be healthy or happy because kids like this (with this label ) can't be OK, they must need help (the help they prescribe if they could just get the kids to say what the worst thing is about daddy ... Circular reasoning feeds on itself.

Step 4) In prison going to group and learning what to say in order to reassure them that their therapy works is called programming. (their coming to your home is therapeutic. It's called a 'home visit')

Just smile and be 'nice' (program) so they go away happy. It's good practice for step 4) when your husband gets out and you have visits from a parole officer visiting a "sly predator" once a month and pocking around in your refrigerator and...Just smile, nod and keep your mouth shut..."That's a good girl" who has made a lot of progress in dealing with the system ...

Oh yes I had all that too. It was terribly frustrating, poor guy was doing every mental health treatment course available to him, but apparently that was all a cynical attempt to manipulate me into trusting him. Gah

Damned if they do, damned if they dont!

Well, there is third option, read everything we can, learn everything we can, learn from all this and grow ourselves into the better person/s we hope to be after the storm...because our own progress in learning resilience, caring (it's called Post Traumatic Growth) and becoming the best person we can manage as we work our way toward the other side of this mess ( what is that embarrassing word? " transformation"..., like those little transformer action figures?) transformation in 'adversity' well all that is really an inside job anyway.

I like this verse/ saying..."There is this of a tree, If it be cut down the tender branch of it will rise again..".It takes time but in some ways I wouldn't want to go back to being the person I used to be before all this pushed me out of my 'comfort zone' and into branching out.

The only thing we are really in control of is how we chose to respond to what happens ( I think the guy who said that,( Frankel ?) survived the holocaust. I think he even wrote a book you can share with someone in prison and then maybe discuss on visits or in letters (if you run out of stuff to say?) What do you think? Right now I'm working on keeping my mouth shut when the Parole Officer snoops though my house...so I don't say or do something that might "irritate" the PO so he manages to find some way to get my husband revoked...my "transformation" seems pretty important in the real world we live in but so far...so good. and it's springtime...time to turn over a few new leaves here. LOL