It sounds like you are living with a leach. It also sounds like you have done all you can to assist him in reintegrating into society and into your lives together and he has done nothing but give you the finger essentially. I know what smokes cost even though I don't smoke anymore, and if he isn't working then he shouldn't be smoking, because he sounds lazy enough that he probably isn't rolling his own but buying brand name with YOUR money, because it doesn't sound like you are married.

Excusing his behavior is one thing, but what he is doing is using you. If you have talked to him about this, you have asked him to get a job, if you have asked him to not be out til all hours and stop partying until he gets a job, then you have done what you can. HE IS AN ADULT, NO MATTER WHAT THE TRAUMA HE HAS EXPERIENCED. Everyone that has gone through prison has been traumatized, what makes his so different?

If he is unwilling to help himself, then there will be nothing you can do to help him either. As he will only drag you down with him.

I know I sound harsh but I lived with a leech like you describe and he didn't have any trauma to 'cause him to be that way' that didn't stop my ability to make excuses... but I call'em like I see'm and this man is going to do you more harm than good.

Wisconsin is right, he's being a leech. You may need to give him an ultimatum, he either gets with the program, or your out. You sound like your already there to kick his butt out the door, and I don't blame you in the least.
It's one thing to be there and support someone, but it's something to be used. Whatever happens, don't think you didn't give it your all. Just because there are those of us still there for our LO, doesn't mean that if we experienced the same behaviors you are dealing with, that we wouldn't leave.
My hub's remorse and willingness to fix what was broken and work hard at not being selfish, I would have walked.

Just want to second what WI has said so well. Out all night on my dime honey? There's a nice curb right out front "dear". I can be a strong women when needed but as a force for good not evil. Screech = putting my soap box away now

sorry for the double post and half response there!! im at work on my phone...darn technogy!! i hate that i see the good person he is, but that hes doing nothing to help himself because its always a pity party, how he got screwed by the system, and hes tried so hard to 'move on and forget' " well, with a son thats still under 18, and being on a registry for life, theres no forgetting!!! im so dissapointed and hurt by the whole situation..i do feel uzed, and ive tried my best to be reasonable but firm in setting boundaries, ones that are simple common "healthy relationship" boundaries, but im controlling and overbearing....i can accept the registry burden, the child custody burden, the trauma, but i just cant accept someone who cant help themselves. and its infuriatingtat he acts like he expects me to pay for smokes and things, let alone acts like hes still 18-20something with NO responsibilities meanwhile im struggling to keep my own life and finances together..if i saw an effort i dont think i would be bothered...

I think you have your answer right there. This is what I learned from 9 years with a leech. Only you have to live with the choices you make. It is not your responsibility to take care of everyone, if they are old enough to party all night they are old enough to work all day, that is just the way it is. Also, never bring any refreshments or snacks to anyone's pity party but your OWN, they haven't earned it.

Doesn't matter the age, you shouldn't have to struggle not only to put yourself through school, support yourself and another person without any assistance at all. It also sounds like you have a child with him or is it just his child. You mentioned that he had a custody hearing for said child that is probably from a previous relationship? Anyway... He is going to make you crazy and the behavior of him telling you that you are controlling, is his way of controlling YOU.

Oh Duppy, how I wish I could talk to you in person! Let me break it down for you this way; right now you sound like you are under such a pile of dung you can't see the light of day. If there's any way you can get away for a day or two ALONE I suggest you do so. That way things will start to become clearer to you. With this clarity you can then assess the situation and what needs to be done. YOUR heart and brain will tell you so.

I have no answers for you; things are similar for me. I care for my husband, but being responsible for him is almost as much work as my three children put together. And I don't see it ever ending. I don't know what I'm going to do. Hugs and peace to you.

As I tell a dear friend who's in a similar situation; there's a cloud in Heaven with your name on it! The 1st time somebody said that to me I found comfort in it, hopefully you do to ((hugs)).

Ha LilyMom..my Grandmother used to use the phrase 'stars in your crown' referring to having done a good deed or action. That brought sweet memories back, thank you!

Dave in the Philippines

just an update: things have gotten better. It seems like we basically spent one whole month arguing non stop, in circles, about the same things. But I guess things came to a head and worked themselves out for the most part, with regards to my complaints I mentioned here. He also got a job, that sounds like it will work out long term, so in another week or so things should get much easier financially. Now, the main issue is the custody hearing coming up next week. Supposedly its not an actually hearing, but a sit-down at the child-support office, but now they have said that his ex and/or her lawyer will be there. So far the only answers for support hes gotten is from his PO, who's said that because of his SO, he is not entitled to any legal aid. I don't believe that this is true, and would think with a custody battle, him just fighting for visitation with his son, that he should be entitled to free legal aid from the courts since he cannot afford a lawyer. He seems to feel pretty hopeless about it, but In my mind I think that since his son was not involved in the supposed crime against this woman's other daughter, he should be legally entitled to see his kid, even if just under supervised visits.

duppydoozy, I do hope things are about to change for you but sadly, I have found that a dark horse is usually a dark horse. He has to really want to change and turn things around and doing drugs and partying is not wanting to change. My advice....start putting a little cash back each week because I am afraid you may need it in the near future. But know that you are strong and you can do it! With or without him you will survive. And just because you love him and can find goodness in him does not mean that you should be with him! Take care! We are always here!

Congrats on him coming out of the shock of reentry to the real world from prison so quickly. I've read many stories where they never do, and soon enough, they are back into prison/jail.

A country saying that has saved me a lot of grief is, "I didn't take you to raise".

It pisses people off when they hear it but it cuts to the quick and shortens the time I'd waste explaining why I refuse to be their keeper. My life is tough enough - I don't need to enable theirs.

Good luck on his coming custody battles. They can drag on forever.

DSmom- that's pretty much my motto to say as well. Its one thing be supportive of another person, another thing entirely to enable.. something I refuse to do! I saw how it destroyed my own family with my brother's addiction. Sometimes people just need time and support to work through their own crap, and sometimes they do need an outside source to lay down some boundaries.He doesn't have much experience in setting healthy boundaries or understanding them, or living with them.. but is willing to accept my boundaries and put forth an effort. No one's perfect, and I'm wiling to accept an honest effort. I'm not willing, however, for someone to drag me through their crap though, while expecting me to solve their problems as well. Thanks for letting me vent here. It sucks not having very many people to talk to. His step mom is the only one either of us can confide in about these things, and things came to a head but luckily she is very supportive of us both. She is an angel...

I tried to contact my state's rsol in hopes they could point us in a direction for some legal help with the custody battle. I haven't heard back yet.... I hope he can manage himself through this... I hope I can be supportive in the way he needs support through it too. I know this is going to open up a whole can of psychological worms..His ex is terrifying.. It terrifies me that someone could be capable of doing to someone what she did, and even more terrifying to me that the justice system is so flawed to allow it.

Duppy, venting is good for your emotional health! That's my take anyway.

When I was younger I was all heart. I was also taken advantage of a lot and my helping people in that way didn't help anyone really (me or them). It took years of growing up to say no, and having that "I didn't take you to raise" handy helped me to do that. I still have too big of a heart sometimes but I try to protect it where I can.

He's lucky that he has you to draw a hard line and be understanding at the same time. I do feel for these guys coming from years in prison/jail (a place with too many rules), to the outside where whooooooh, they can go wild. All my son wants to do is crawl into a deep dark hole but with everything he needs to handle, his new life isn't going to allow it.

A custody battle right out of jail, before he gets his head grounded, has to be a tough call. But it'll also give him something to focus on besides himself.

My sympathies about the ex. My son's ex is unreal too. Her 'logic' is so screwed up it's scary. I figured it out two years prior and tried to get him away from her. I knew something bad was going to happen, just not what. And darn it, in my wildest dreams I never expected this.

Take care - we'll all get through this one way or the other. And just think of it, we'll be given many chances to be better people because of all the curves thrown at our loved ones.

A lot of people mistake kindness for weakness. If you are nice to them and try to help them, they will attempt to turn it around on you and they will attempt to take advantage of your kindness.

I saw a lot of that in prison and it is true everywhere.

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