Hi OPI10 and welcome to the group! Sorry to hear about your situation. I'm a bit confused with the details. I'm guessing that you and your BF live together? If so, I can see how him not being able to be around your daughter could complicate your life. If you live separately, then you would need someone to watch your daughter every time you want to visit with him and that could also be difficult for you if you don't have much support from family or friends. I guess it will be a long and challenging three years unless you can get the probation folks to allow him to be around your daughter. Stay strong and hopefully things will improve for you.

My husband's stipulations were put in writing by the court and his PO had to follow them, but I'm in PA.
Also my husbnad was able to finish his 3 year probation in half the time, maybe something to ask about. His therapist said he was done and all his fees were paid, and they let him off

Sounds like you have alot on your plate. Never an easy answer to what we all go through when we have a SO in our lives.

You dont have a choice when it comes to your daughter. The rules are the rules. If you try and skirt around them your BF will pay the price.

3 years is a long time but if you love him then you need to find a compromise. It wont be easy but you can try and figure out how to live with this.

All i can say is support him and do what you can.

It will be difficult, and having an Ex around to Challange you about your daughter having contact with him only makes things more difficult.

Not to scare you off, but I do know several women have lost custody of their kids due to living with a SO and the ex was able to get full custody. There are rare occasions where the courts will still rule on the mother's
Favor (like ex has a last of his own and the child is better off with the mother), but you may always have CPS knocking at your door.

These are some of the things you will have to weigh. If you can get through these three years and your ex doesn't get full custody, then you two will have hurdled everything designed to tear you apart and make you both stronger for it.

Thank you all for your replies. We aren't currently living together, but I do plan on marrying this man. The PO gave him his full blessing to date me, knowing I have a kid. The state laws are what is restricting us as of now. His lawyer is going to appeal to the court to include my daughter in the list of minors he's allowed around.

CPS has visited us and I'm now required to (was told it was voluntary but we know that's not the case) talk to someone about making "good life choices when it comes to who I allow around my daughter". The PO has known my SO for the last 2 years of his case and gave him permission to date someone with kids. I was wondering if the courts grant this how likely it will be for her father to fight it, knowing the PO is on his "side" in this matter and saw no reason he shouldn't be allowed with us.

Your ex can't petition the court to change the sentence of someone else. So if he wants to mess with your BF's life he'll do it by messing with yours.

If the court is the one that put in the stipulation then they are the only ones that can lift it other than just completing the sentence itself.

The CPS stuff is like the PO stuff, they apply a blanket policy to EVERYONE so that they can say they have been doing due diligence. I am guessing that if you are going back to court, then you should be getting some more expert witnesses about his mental health, their assessment of safety and things like that. Not only that, is that I have not seen many cases that couldn't be gotten around with a chaperone arrangement of some kind. Are you a chaperone for your BF so he can go places children gather and things? If he is never left alone with you child then there isn't a whole lot anyone can say about it too.

3 years will pass very quickly, you'd be surprised, life just keeps on going... And then once you are outta those weeds then you can both move forward. Your ex might still be a contender to mess with your Zen thing, but it won't be the state as much anymore.

I would agree to be a chaperone so that my BF and daughter could see each other, but ONLY until he is off probation. After that, I'd like to have as normal of a life as possibly and not constantly making sure I'm there, if they wanted to walk to the mailbox or something without me.

My BF has a son and just yesterday the son (who has NEVER asked before) inquired about my BF being around my daughter. I'm so tired of both exes asking and using our children as spies. There is a difference between concern and just plain being nosy. This isn't either of their business on a personal level. Of course they're allowed as parents to be concerned for their own children, but when you start sending them to ask questions that children don't normally ask because you're curious....I just, I don't know how much more of that I can take.

I will and have gladly been working with all the authority figures involved in this issue. I met with my BF's parole officer who even said the level the exes are getting involved is getting out of hand. This coming from a parole officer, including the PO saying it's not an issue, makes me feel much better about my decision not to judge my BF for any mistakes he's made. No one in my family understands, and no one would even let me explain when they found out. My sister was my best friend, we've never not talked over anything. She told me never to speak to her again and didn't talk to me for a month.

It will probably should like a lot of complaining on my part, but no one would listen to me and I'm glad I found this site.

I don't know if anyone else will say this, but damn, your sister can be a real bitch, huh? I am an only child and have never understood the reasoning behind such drastic behavior between siblings. At one point in my life I would have given anything to have a sibling and to hear how they treat each other sometimes just makes me angry. Then there is the use of the children to further the agenda of the adult. (wasn't this all about protecting the children, I'd ask those exes if that is how they like to protect their children, use them as tools to spy on their other parent, such excellent examples to those children, right?!?)

The chaperone thing is only while he is on supervision. After that he is a free man other than the registry, which depending on where you are at can be nominal. They can't impose those kinds of rules on someone after they have served their time, although they like to try.

Question...once the supervision goes away for a SO, do all restrictions go away like not being around kids, no computer, etc? Or is it a lifetime sentence to never have a computer or be around kids and other restrictions on top of the registry?

Once off supervision, those restrictions are removed. You only have to worry about any laws imposed by local, state or national restrictions (Residency, presence, or travel).

So I'm now required to talk to some state agency who are supposed to teach me "life skills and adult decision making". I'm in my 30s, I've been making adult decisions JUST fine all these years until they decided they don't agree with my dating my SO.

The lady called me and is trying to set up a time for us to meet. I work a normal M-F 8-5 job, she seemed surprised. I'm offended. It's going to be very hard for me to smile and nod through a class I don't care to listen to when I have a very high IQ and just because I'm not following popular opinion, they're questioning my adult skills.

Heaven forbid an intelligent person see past popular opinion on someone and actually get to know them. Clearly there is something wrong with me and I need classes on how to be an adult.

Of course my BF is asking me to just be polite and jump through the hoops, but I'm very stubborn. I HATE when people treat me as if I'm stupid. It's going to be very hard for me.

I remember that feeling... The sound of someone surprised over the phone when you inform them that you have a good job, intelligence and some common sense. I was as offended as you when I felt as though they were shocked and then proceeded to talk to me like I was someone that committed a crime.

It was hard to paste the business professional smile and BS on while I was there in the office, but it was over quick enough and we all lived. :)

I am going to tell you what the ex-PO told me that did our Pre-sentence investigation said. Until he is released from supervision the DOC OWNS HIM. They have all the power, they have all the cards, and they can seemingly change the rules arbitrarily. To fight them is to only fight against something that has so much more money than you it is disgusting and you have little chance of winning. The best way to go about it is, at first, COMPLY, be the best, best, bestest couple that you can be with them. In under a year things will improve drastically.

When my husband first got out, the PO told me that he was low risk, that he shouldn't have wear an e-bracelet (different than the GPS they have here in WI) and that getting him home on release day shouldn't be all that tough. I get a call the MORNING they were going to go get him from prison (here the PO delivers the inmate to their release address, for both inspection of home and for their first meeting to give them their rules.) that he was going to be put on an e-bracelet and that if I didn't have a landline phone that they would take him to halfway house and he wouldn't come home that day. OH I WAS PISSED!!!! But I am a tenacious bitch, I called up my local provider and told them my story, I had the phone line turned on in about 4 hours, and barely an hour before they arrived to drop him off and much to their surprise I had a phone line.

My husband has gone through 4 POs now in the last 4 years, some lasted longer than others.

Because of all of this my opinion on certain fields of employment should have an expiration date on them. For spending too much time in them cause tainted behavior, such as those that are surprised that there are working citizens out there that have made mistakes or are related to in some way to someone that has made mistakes. That good people do make mistakes and are not like the other 70% of people they see that are really looking for the easy way out, which is what led them to a life of crime to begin with.. Or they deal with drunk drivers that are too addicted to the sauce to not reoffend. But really they are all just prejudiced because of their experiences and that ends up flaking off on you, even if you haven't earned the intonations in their voice.

Hang in there, I promise it will get better or you will just learn to tolerate it better. I can say that at first I was pretty irritated by their constant meddling. But now, 4 years in to supervision out of 6 and he is set at lowest risk I think they can set him at on supervision for an RSO and he only has to see his PO once a month be that in person in her office or at our house. Where all meetings last probably no more than 5-10mins tops.

As for those classes, have you ever noticed the number of stupid people out there in the world? There are a vast majority of adults that probably would benefit from a class like that. But since there is no way to really determine which person needs the class they just require everyone to take it so their bases are covered. Try not to take it personally, try to not say much in class unless you are so compelled that you can't stand it, I know how that gets... Try to avoid talking to the PO much at all if you can... You really shouldn't have to and I know they don't want to talk to you or me much at all either. The more I avoid them the better off it has been for all of us.

I hope this helps...

Thank you, it is nice to have this site where people have already gone through what you're going through. his PO seems very nice and doesn't seem interested in our lives nearly as much as we thought he would be. CPS are the ones who called this other service and are making me take adult classes because they don't agree with my choices, because I have a daughter...who LOVES him and asks everyday when she can see him again, if he misses her, if he still loves her.

I know it's going to get worse before it gets better, I just am very stubborn when I'm not WRONG, and in this case, they're saying that I am and basically they are (as you said), in charge.

I don't have children, so I have not had to deal with CPS like many out there. They are worse than the Gestapo from the Germany in the 1930s. And they seem to have no rhyme or reason to the reason they do things from what I hear. Then in other cases they seemingly do nothing when 'something' should be done.

My best advise is to DOCUMENT everything. If you live in a One-Party state for recording conversations then start recording them, if you are two party state then you'll have to notify the CPS worker that you are recording your conversations. That should keep them on the up and up and if they screw up you have proof.

But at the very least keep a journal of each visit, meeting, encounter and phone call. Times, dates, and what happened during the encounter.

Another thing you might want to do is consult an attorney, remember state workers like to believe themselves judge jury and executioner, all the while saying they have no power and don't get paid enough. Talking to an attorney will confirm what they are allowed and not permitted to do and say to you.

Hang in there, they will eventually leave you alone too.

Well, if it were me, I'd try and find a loophole out of it. barring that, I would go in and use, "big words and double meanings" and be politely rude, and maybe a bit smarmy cos I'm just a bitch like that and if they want to play head games, oh... I can play head games lol