Families of SOs Community Group
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I was sexually molested by my 35 yr old uncle when I was 13. He was a kind caring man who I loved and admired. He was the type of man who took in injured animals and nursed them back to health. He was always helpful and respectful to the elderly. We were close and spent a lot of time together. I really don't even remember how it exactly happened, but we became sexually involved. He was very gentle with me and didn't physically hurt me, however I knew what was happening was wrong. One day I told my mother about what was going on between my uncle and myself. Of course she went wild and confronted him. To shorten the story, my uncle was sent to prison and I never heard or saw him again. At home we never spoke his name again. I have no idea of when. where or how he died. That has bothered me for some reason for all my adult life.
I know what happened to me was wrong and illegal, however I didn't let it destroy me. I refused to let it eat me up inside. I accepted that it happend and worked on creating a normal life. As I grew into adulthood I decided to forgive him in my heart. I never hated him although I was told that I should. Til this day when I think back on it I don't believe my uncle was an evil man. Even now in my mid 50's I still remember my uncle and remember the good times. I guess my point is that forgivness can help heal the hurt.
I realize that every case is different so I can only speak for myself and from my own experience, but if my uncle was alive today I would tell him that I forgive him. I think that forgivness helped me get past it.
I know what happened to me was wrong and illegal, however I didn't let it destroy me. I refused to let it eat me up inside. I accepted that it happend and worked on creating a normal life. As I grew into adulthood I decided to forgive him in my heart. I never hated him although I was told that I should. Til this day when I think back on it I don't believe my uncle was an evil man. Even now in my mid 50's I still remember my uncle and remember the good times. I guess my point is that forgivness can help heal the hurt.
I realize that every case is different so I can only speak for myself and from my own experience, but if my uncle was alive today I would tell him that I forgive him. I think that forgivness helped me get past it.
Germany appears to have done just that with a confidential program they have for those who are attracted to children. It is called Project Dunkelfeld. They allow them to come into treatment without the risk of being exposed, or disrupting families. The studies are showing a 0% incidence of childhood sexual abuse with the program. A part of their success is not making it so "wrong" and encouraging people to come forward to get the help they need to change their behavior.
I know my friend who is serving time and soon to be released feels the same way you do about punishment for crimes. And he feels even though is sentence was harsh, and he should not be in prison for what he did, he believes in the law and in justice. I am not so sure anymore. I think we are way too harsh with sentencing for many crimes that do not need prison time, but need THERAPY. And, not the kind that many of you guys get when you are on the inside or when you are released.
I studied Clinical Psychology with a Somatic Emphasis most likely because I needed to heal myself, not just from my rape, but from some early attachment wounds as well. So I speak from a certain level of experience professionally and personally. Sexuality is normal and its expression NEEDS to be NORMALIZED. I do believe if we normalized it much would change in America around the treatment of sex offenders.
In my opinion neglect is a form of child abuse that can have long lasting impacts, even more than molestation. Molestation can heal with the right treatment, not only talking therapy but with body based practices that touch the wound itself in careful and mindful ways that do not trigger the wound but allow healing that is guided by the body/mind.
Not enough people are aware of what is possible when it comes to the healing of sexual abuse, not matter what the age. I worked with kids 0-6 who have various levels of abuse, and with the right caregiving in relationship they healed. We all heal in the right relationships.
I have to also say, sadly enough those kids who were photographed most likely did not have parents who were aware of what was happening in their children's lives, just like my family was not aware of the signs and symptoms of trauma that i had after my rape. That leads me to a question ... does that make it right that you, as a viewer of CP, have to suffer the wrath of anger of these girls who where photographed? How do you know that the anger that they expressed towards you was not also residual anger at their parents for not being there for them when the abuse took place? You don't and you never will. That is the challenge with feelings.
It is also another piece of the puzzle we face in America, we want to "fix" things and we want to "do" but we don't necessarily want to FEEL. I believe we need MORE mental health and educational support for families around how to deal with feeling states and how to read body language. We have way too much money going into incarceration (25% of the worlds prison population with only 5% of the world's population) yet not enough going to change the behavior that gets people into trouble.
That is my 2 cents anyway.
Thanks for the exchange. We are all here to learn !!
But humans are social beings. We create rules for living, which are called societies or cultures. Over time, there have been cultures that allowed and even encouraged sexual activity with children. For example, in ancient Greece, wealthy, powerful men all had a "boy" as well as a wife. And, it has not been that long in history of this country that some states allowed marriage at age 13. Two hundred or so years ago, there was not even a concept of childhood. Now, we have a very idealized version of childhood. We see it as a time of innocence to be protected. This is the time we live in. I am not going to judge it or any of the other social rules that have existed over time. They just are what they are at any given time.
The problem we have now is that childhood is so idealized that any violation of the social rules we have set up are dealt with hysterically. Not every child is damaged by sexual contact. (Although certainly the vast majority are.) I'll bet those Greek boys were not damaged. But every child is damaged by the hysterical behavior of adults.
Now, I am in no way condoning sexual behavior with children. Our society has an idealized version of childhood because it takes a long time for people to grow up in this culture because there is so much to learn. This needs to be protected and should not change.
What should change and needs to change is the hysteria. As adults in this culture, we need to hold ourselves accountable. Children are damaged every day by the incredibly irresponsible behavior of adults. And I am not talking about sex offenders here because we understand about that. I am talking about people who refuse to acknowledge that all kinds of sexual behavior exist as a part of humanity. Sex offense will never be legislated away, it will not be hated away. It will only be loved away.
That's right! Loved. Forgiveness releases hate and fear and opens our hearts to love. Does that meant that we don't hold sex offenders accountable? Absolutely not. But when our hearts are open to love, we are able to reach out to the other and seek understanding. It is only then that we can effectively create and maintain the social boundaries that we value. Hysteria is a block to this. What has been demonstrated in this thread so well is that we CAN change our minds about this, open up and forgive. This is the grace of God.
Its the hysteria that needs to go. Once people calm down about sex offense, the culture will start to rearrange itself to provide for the management of people's sexual needs that do not fit into our idea of what they should be. Everyone will be respected. Fewer children will experience this damage---and isn't that really our goal!
We all mature at different rates, but to keep order, society has a need for sweeping "one fits all" type of laws.
I was on early bloomer. By twelve I was going on eighteen in looks and hormon surges. My mother and her friends would tisk tisk about my early maturity over cups of coffee.
A friend of the family sometimes babysat for my parents. He was in his early twenties (I believe) and drop dead gorgeous. I went after him in a big way (I was relentless) and we eventually had a short, heady fling.
Afterwards, it never occurred to me to yell rape, to accuse him of molesting me. Being the main instigator of it all, I felt just as responsible. I didn't need to forgive him anything. I was in no way damaged by the experience - I was able to try out my womanhood in a nonthreatening environment. Today I look back at it with fondness (with a bit of hilarity thrown in). But my mother (super religious) would have freaked out, perhaps called the cops. She would have introduced all sorts of nastiness. Hysteria to the max.
He went on to marry a girlfriend he hooked up with shortly after and raise a family in peace. But if the law had their way, he'd be labeled as an SO, ruining many of his chances in life.
Like I said in the beginning, we all mature at different rates. But to protect as many as possible, society has to draw lines. And I do realise the importance because at twelve my son was not mature. But in my opinion, in this particular situation, making our family friend pay would have been a huge injustice. Many lives would have been harmed (mine included).