Someone told me once that 50% of the damage from childhood sexual abuse is from the abuse. 50% of the damage from child sexual abuse is from the way adults act after finding out about the abuse. I tend to think that the effect of the response is much more than 50% responsible for the quality of the life of the child after the abuse.

Its sad that your family thought that your uncle's actions deserved banishment and hatred. I'm so glad you, even as a very young teen, were able to see through that and realize that holding on to hate is what spoils your life.

Hate separates. Forgiveness joins us together. Are you sure your uncle is dead? Perhaps you can try to track him down. Sexual attraction is a biological process developed in our bodies and brains over hundreds of thousands of years. Your uncles actions do not make him evil. It means that he acted on a part of his biological make-up that attracted him to you. There is nothing inherently wrong with that.

What makes it wrong is that this particular behavior no longer fits into our highly technological society, where childhood keeps getting extended and extended, now into our '20's! A lot of assumptions are made and people get angry when this artificial line is crossed.

You are very brave to think so kindly of your uncle...and to be so loving of yourself that you did not let others manipulate you into thinking you had to hate him. Your feelings belong to you, not to them.

I hope you find your uncle.

Peek

Thanks for sharing your story greeneyes195. I deeply appreciate your honesty and your heart.

Yes, many of these people who are deemed "inappropriate" by society are good hearted individuals, who for what ever reason did something that today is not "acceptable" by our society.

I too was sexual abused with my first kiss at the age of 16 y/o, and even though I dissociated I know my rapist did not intend to "hurt" me. I clearly said "no" and he did not respect that, but he could have left me or harmed me in some way and he did not. The experience happened at an after school event on a Saturday evening and the friends I came with, all girls, had left without me, not even bothering to look for me. He ended up driving me around trying to find them and shortly there after took me home. I did not know how to handle it, and was clearly in a deep place of SHOCK and TRAUMA, yet even then, I knew coming forward with the truth would mean a nasty trial and publicity, so I choose to stay quiet. I forgave my rapist as well, yet I did have more healing work to do around for a good number of years around PTSD and any sexual energy, as well as learning how to create HEALTHY sexual boundaries in my relationships with men, as well as knowing what a healthy relationship looked like. What I realized though is I was not alone in this area, my siblings had similar issues and none of them were sexually abused. So I realized much of what I was going through was also, in part, my own family dysfunctions.

Forgiveness is important, and so is learning what healthy relationships, non-sexual and sexual alike, FEEL like. What is respect? Does someone "ask" if it is OK for them to enter into your physical space, both sexually and non-sexually. Do they respect a "no" even non-verbally.

My friend was accused of a sex crime where he actually DID respect a bodily "no" and the local law enforcement agency made him into a monster. It was heartbreaking to say the least! And he was given a six year and four month sentence at 50% time, of which he has less than four months to serve. That is what brought me here. When it all happened I did not think I could live through it, but I did ... and I know I am stronger for it.

What I can also say, is that going through this experience meeting other SOs, first online and then again in person has been deeply healing for me for many many reasons that I will not go into here. It is something that so many do not understand. They assume that these experiences are "bad" and deeply painful. Yes, they require work, but so does everything in life!

My commitment to my inmate who is close to release if HEALING, that is all I know, and even this experience has been healing in many ways. AND, it has also been heartbreaking since so many are ignorant to the impact of their hate and their judgments on others, not to mention the laws that can keep people stuck for years.

I have a question for you about your uncle, have you searched obituary records for him? What state did the incident occur in? Do that have a life time registry? If he is still alive you may be able to find him and forgive him in person ... yet, remember, and this one is for YOU, forgiveness if FOR YOU, not for the other person. Forgiveness frees YOUR heart, and that is what is important.

Welcome to Daily Strength and keep us posted as to what you find !!!

Uh..what?. I mean....? Are you kidding me? I'm disturbed by y'all's responses on so many levels I don't know where to start...and I don't think I will. wow.

It is so easy to judge and hate. I choose not to hate and it has helped me in my life more than I can say. I am sure that there is something that society can judge us all on. Everyone has to deal with situations in there own way...forgiving is my way.

I've no problem with forgiveness. I agree it is easy to judge and hate and I don't think it's necessarily the healthiest thing for a person too. However, to say there is nothing inherently wrong with things like child abuse, rape, and incest is something I find pretty disturbing. However, every individual is entitled to their own opinion.

No one said it was not WRONG, yet everything in a HEALTHY SOCIETY CAN BE HEALING.

I find it tragic that even those like greeneyes195 and myself who did experience abuse are labeled "marred for life" .... because we are NOT. Just like SOs, not matter what the offense are NOT HORRIBLE HUMAN BEINGS.

We all make mistakes, and we all have our wounds, the real question for me is "what did you learn from this experience? Did it make you bigger? or did it make you smaller?

The laws in place right now for SOs make them almost invisible, which is NOT AT ALL HEALTHY, and therefore their is limited healing available to those who are an SO on a registry.

Those coming forward here are trying to break the stigma that those who are abused have life long issues. That is all fryeguy. We are really on your side, even if you cannot see it or hear it.

I think that there are different degrees and levels of what we are talking about. I can only speak of my experience. Mine was very minor compared to many I have heard of. My uncle in no way physically harmed me. I will admit that physical harm is at a much different level and something that I find appalling.

No matter what the level of harm, to victim or perpetrator ... we all have the capacity to FORGIVE and to HEAL.

It is how we were made and how we developed, it is how we are WIRED -- to HEAL, no matter what our FEELINGS are about an incident. And sadly enough to say too many SOs are sent to prison on feelings of fear or judgment or hate, not on the "crime" itself.

And in my opinion, that is what is wrong.

"many SOs are sent to prison on feelings of fear or judgment or hate, not on the "crime" itself."
I do agree with you on this.

i was also molested by my uncle and my brother and my step dad father . it has been a rough . road . yes ive trusted them people . they was very kind and all but still was very wrong what was done to me .at the age of 7 yrs old and up . i was very bitter mad at my uncle for many years .wouldnt come close to him , even at my first wedding i didnt want to be near him . me and my brother wasnt close after the things he done. but i ddi finally was able to forgive my brother and uncle after i was saved for 5yrs . i finanly was able to write them both email saying i forgive them . but still we arent close . my brother is very distant from me . cause im a christian and my uncle just dont keep in touch any more . takes a long time to forgive people but with GOD grace and his mercy that he given us we give mercy and forgive others..thanks be to GOD

I do not believe my rapist deserves to be homeless or jobless no matter how angry I have been in the past about his actions ...

I do not believe ANYONE deserved to be treated like we treat non-violent, non-civilly committed sex offenders, not matter what the "crime."

We treat abused animals better, and that says a lot about our American Culture does it not?

i get lil mad when knowing what my uncle had done to me years ago as kid and nothing was done or my brother greg can live and and go where he likes . dont have to llive rest his life on some registry . cause nothing was ever done about it . oh well . i just pray that they dont ever try to hurt any one else in life . and that they will get saved and go to heaven one day when GOD call their number .name

I never said you weren't on my side; whatever my side is. Support of an SO? Great! Awesome! I'm all for it! So, with that in mind I will throw in my opinion on this...with my own experience. When I was 12 I was molested..by a clergyman. This wasn't someone trying to teach me about sex, or show me his God's path, or whatever. This was a man who took something I can never get back..ever. I have grown and evolved as a person in spite of it and because of it. Regardless, I comitted sexually based crimes. I collected thousands of images of child pornography. Regardless of your personal interpretations of the law I contributed to the supply and demand of child abuse. I don't agree on the harshness of the punishment nor do I agree with it's length. However, as a Father I do agree it was correct to punish me. If someone took pics of my kids and put them on the internet and then someone else viewed them I'd want to have a few words with both of those people. I know I got an earful from women who were photographed and viewed by guys like me.

Let me plain..I do NOT judge other people on this board or in this world for what they did. That's for them to square with themselves and whatever diety they believe in. I know I regret my actions and from what I read of responses there are lots of people who regret theirs. However, when child abuse is characterized in such a way as to normalize it then yeah, it disturbs me. And you know what? I think it's healthy for me to be disturbed by such statements.

amen frye .

@fryeguy I have to agree.
Some things are a"grey" area like teens who chase older lovers and vice versa. In that, a few generations ago it was viewed as normal, many of our great grandparents would be on a registry if they did the same thing now.
Other things are pretty clearly wrong such as incest, though even that can be grey to an extent, when it comes to 1st cousins and such.
But yes, I was bothered as well by the statements you refer to.
I do however agree, that much of the damage done in child abuse cases is done by the parent/guardian/ other adults reaction to it.
In many ways i'm so glad i never told my mom.
I was able to forgive my abuser and move on...dunno if I would have been able to if I had told her.