Luckily, for me, Chris was home for over a year and a half after he bonded out of county jail, until he was sentenced. But even during that time, we were completely stressed and worried every day about the outcome.

The only thing I can do right now, is take everything a day at a time, and sometimes when I can't do that, I just try to take it hour by hour.

Chin up, my friend. I am here if you need me.

When Michael first went in, I was a wreck. Mostly because I was without my best friend. I had a lot of stuff going on in my life...my dad was dying of cancer, and I was trying to keep myself together for my younger sisters and my mom. Looking back, the summer of 05 seems like just yesterday...but also an eternity ago. I had to find ways to keep myself happy. I spent time with friends and family. I took long walks. I worked...A LOT! Most importantly, I took time out of my day...every day to write him. It's been 8.5 years of me writing every day, letting Michael know how my day went.
For the first couple months, it was hard to adjust to him being gone. it was hard to not see him and talk to him on a daily basis. Finally, I just had to put my foot down and decide whether I wanted to be miserable all the time, or find a way to bring peace, happiness and love to myself and everyone around me. I chose to find happiness. Some days, I still have to look for it, but hey, I'm allowed a bad day.

Sadly, this is our reality. This is the life we are going to have to live. For me, it's 16 years without my sweetheart. Hopefully your guy doesn't get that long. We cannot change this, so we have to make the best of it. I'm just thankful that I'm blessed with a very loving, happy relationship, and I know someday he'll come home to me.

Have a Christmas blowout! you need it as much as your son. do everything and take pictures for your guy. Have a good time and don't feel guilty about it. Do you think he'd want you saying "bah humbug" during Christmas? or being sad or feeling guilty? my bet is that he wouldn't.

I feel like you and I are somewhat in the same boat. My husband was not taken into custody until 17 months after this whole ordeal was brought to light, but it didn't make it any easier. I also am an emotional wreck. I feel like Christmas is already gone, as is all of my joy. I go back to work on Saturday and I take care of other people for a living so I know that I have to learn to take care of myself again. If not for me, then for my children. I think that his support group will really help you as it is helping me. I have met some great friends so far and I know that you will too. We can all get through this together, as long as we have each other for support.

Is it better knowing the sentence, or not knowing?

it's nice knowing that I only have 7 years 6 months and 27 days left. but that's almost a double edged sword. hearing 16 years...was really hard. but at least I'm able to count down now.

Yes, I know where you are with the mood swing/craziness thing. My husband was out on bond until his sentencing. It was nice to have him with me, but horribly stressful as well. We have four kids, are homeless because we lost our house to foreclosure, and are still living with my Mom. He was horribly suicidal and I constantly worried that he would follow through on his ideations. I took him to the emergency room at one point because I was scared to death. After the trial (which was a total sham), at least we had some relief that part of it was over. Sentencing was brutal. He received 5 to 15 years (in mi it is a range). We had expected 3 years. So it was a shock, but also a relief to have the answer finally. The not knowing what to expect was killing all of us. I think the absolute worst part of all of this without a doubt was the look on my kids faces when we had to tell them that he would be going away for awhile. My kids are really young, but the older ones are old enough to understand... I pray that I never have to see that look on their faces ever again - although it is imprinted in my mind forever. He has been in for 6 months now, and I have gone to church as much as possible because it brings me peace and am trying to find ways to feel better. This group has helped quite a bit, as no one that hasn't been down this road can really understand the things that we deal with. Big hugs to you, and try to keep telling yourself that "this too shall pass". Where there is life, there is hope. You will be together again.

You all amaze me. I don't even know what to say...you are all so strong and kind and good. Thank you!

It has been almost 3 years for us and I still wake up shocked and lonely and find it hard to sleep in our bed alone. I miss my fiance like crazy. I write him almost every day. But when we get to talk on the phone (not often) it's like every time we've ever spoke on the phone. Like there isn't 4 hours of distance between us. And ive learnedly how strong I actually am. You cant hide under a rock. You have to remember to hold your head high and do what you have to do. Smile even though it hurts so bad on the inside.

4 months in what got me through was a concert I went to and the first song the band did the first line goes "Stay the same, dont ever change
Cause Id miss your ways" and that was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders prior to that I was a walking time bomb and honestly It better to know than not know because you are really just walking on egg shells waiting for it...I remember the day I found out I broke down I remember I almost threw my laptop and I cried and cried..honestly when they go to jail it almost like they died and for me if it wasn't for my sisters I would be dead honestly but take it one day at a time

Hi, we just passed the 8 year mark on the 9th, for the first few years I was a basket case but as time has gone on it has gotten a little easier. My husband got a 15 year sentence in federal prison so he'll only get 15% off for good behavior. Believe it or not he has been the one who gives me strength when I'm down. I am very lucky to have a large family who support both of us and love my husband , I don't know what I'd do without them. I think once you know his sentence you will feel a little better because you can start to count down the days. I agree with the other ladies just try and take it one day at a time and if you can't do that try one hour at a time, remember you can always come here if you need to vent or just talk someone will always be here for you,

All you ladies are truly remarkable.

The more I read all your stories, the more admiration I have for the love and dedication you have for your man.

I have made friends with many of the ladies on the two boards I post, and the courage I have seen is something I thought only happened in movies.

Keep the faith. Someday will be your special day and you will be reunited with the person you love.

rewdiazepam

I love you Rew! You are very inspiring to a lot of us!!

When my husband got locked up he got to bond right out the next day and he was out for a yr and half until trial but then he was taken away from myself and our children for something he hasnt even done so now we are in the middle of appeals...We have learned never take each other or nothing for granted bc they can be taken from you just like that...which he is an amazing husband and father...hes been gone for over 3 yrs and for me it hasnt got easier i just learn to cope with life. Some people enjoy going out all the time with friends but me im just not that kind of person i just cant push myself to do that...I do activities with my children everyday but thats it...it has been really hard on me after he left i got really sick having seizures, mini strokes, so it has been a long journey and we are just getting started...Hold your head up dont give up!! He will be back in your arms again

Thank you Rew, I have read a lot of the older messages on the discussion board and your posts are so appreciated.

2013Keeping, I am the same way- I am and always have been a homebody. I don't feel like I need to get out more or change that- I used to love the quiet nights at home with him. I don't want to make myself do things that go against my nature because I am sad or lonely now. I would feel even lonelier if I went out with people I don't really want to be with. I'm trying to settle into a new place in the next couple of weeks- have to move because of financial problems. Making the new place as cozy and comfortable as possible for myself and the kids and him when he comes home is what I'll be doing. Tonight I was there for the first time cleaning and figuring out how to set the place up and my phone rang and it was him. I told him where I was and what I was doing- he knew about the move but had no idea I'd be there tonight. It made me feel so connected to him, to have him call as I was dreaming about him coming home to me in our new little place. I'm trying so hard to find positive moments. I miss him so much, but I love him even more than I miss him. I'm trying to do my best.
Thank you all again for sharing with me. Thank god I found this place, it is helping me already, so much.

It took 6 months after the arrest before my daughter was sentenced to 8 years in federal prison. It's been a month so the sentence and she is still being held in county because the female federal system is over crowded. I am still in shock about the length of her sentence. My family very rarely even asked about her now. She used up everyone due to her addiction behavior. I'm too ashamed to talk to most of my friends.

My biggest comforts have come from staying busy with my church, writing her letters and coming to this site to remind me I am not the only person in the world living in pain. There is no closure to the grief.

I wish we could have a group hug.