Well said !!

We pass the blame around or say we are adults and choose healthier ways.
Unfortunately for many our childhood plays a huge part of what we think as normal life style. so if you spent every night having a drink or weekend getting drunk, your children will grow up to repeat this behavior. Most people who grow up in the slums never leave because it is all they know, they have no idea how life is in the urban area's or in the country. Most are scared to take a leap and see what is out there, so they remain where they know how life will be, good or bad they stay.
Many parents never let there kids grow up they keep coddling them or push them too hard and finally when they start to rebel they are surprised. I once heard if you always act like college is the next step after high school your children will just grow up believing that after high school they still have college. To many parents are selfish, don't get involved with their children's school activities and wonder why little so and so is doing drugs or drinking. So although it is not always the parents fault their child did drugs there usually was warning signs.
The Didn't cause it, Can't control it, Can't cure it is a 12 step slogan that really is not true. It was formed to make parents not feel guilty, but you can see if you drank every weekend and your child grows up and does the same or does drugs, it is your fault. Then we go into genetic's, because as a nation we are European descendants we evolved into having addiction problems. Our forefathers had a really big problem with alcoholism.
I know your situation id different, but we need to except the truth and learn from it instead of saying, "it's not my fault!"

we had a "talk " on that very subject on sunday. we have the bible to help guide us in life like a gps. we decide we don't want to do what God says so we don't listen to our parents....we steal, we lie, we commit adultery, etc......we don't put God first, we put money first and material possessions....then when our world falls apart..we blame God...where were you? how could you allow my kid to be on drugs, why arenn't you rescueing them. we make wrong choices, our kids make wrong choices and there are always consequences. we live in a broken world....God never wanted that but adam and eve and all of us believed the lie that we didn't need God...in fact I think the serpent told them you can eat the fruit and then you can be like God and we believe the lie. Good part of the story is God is always there waiting for us...sending angels to protect us and our kids....and just waiting for us to come back and ask him for help.
i realize this is my opinion but I truly believe this. God has proven himself to me over and over again,,,in good and bad times

wow reading this and what others posted gets interesting thinking going on but I do not agree with Katrinka who said "The Didn't cause it, Can't control it, Can't cure it is a 12 step slogan that really is not true. It was formed to make parents not feel guilty,"
That statement is just plain wrong.... and I'm kind of shocked you would say that, you had an addicted husband that you could not control, that you did not cause or cure.... Parents do not cause their kids to become addicts and we all know this!
Yes hold our children and society accountable for that matter, just don't blame the parent of an addict! That statement was ridiculous!

Marg I agree with you, while I am respectful if everyone's views. The studies on addiction are very divided, which is clear. We who believe in the 12 step program embrace the theories. However there are multiple studies on addiction and a schools of thinking are too many to number on the causes. The point here is in our society it is so much easier to blame someone rather than accepting responsibility, but the reality is I did not create my sons addiction no more than I created my moms bi-polar, or my father in laws MS or my sister in laws cancer all diseases. I do accept that my son is am addict, and I love him to my dying day.

I would wonder about anyone who needs "God" to keep them moral. I have always tried to the right thing and did not need "God" to make me do the right. The "disease" concept was a AA idea from long ago. In order for people to get sober and not feel guilty AA said you have disease. It really is a behavioral condition and depends on what drug you use as to where in the brain gets stimulated. My daughter-in-law is in neurology and explained to me how drugs and alcohol affect the brain. If one gets and stays clean and sober in AA or Christian base program, that's great, but the majority do not.
There have been numerous studies done on this subject and how ones childhood conditions you for adulthood.

I do believe a person's childhood definitely affects them in the future. however some people come from the worst conditions and make it - they get an education and vow to break the cycle. And some people come from the best conditions,,,,such as my son and are determined to make their own choices good or bad. And then when they realize their parents advice was always good and they should have listened they are in too deep and desperately need help to get out. I also believe there are good people out there who do the right thing whether they believe in God or not. I just happen to believe that I do good things because God has changed me....but I understand that not everyone believes that.. Some people quit drugs or drinking cold turkey never looking back. Some need AA or NA, some go to other groups. I personally am thankful for all the groups out there in this war against addiction. There are many to choose from as there are many people out there wanting to help.

VERY well said!

I'm involved in the Nar-Anon program and the slogan "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it" is definitely true! But there's an extra C in there that's typically skipped...

"I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it...but I CAN contribute to it"

So enabling our children or loved ones is a form of contributing to it. Providing your children with drugs or alcohol can be a form of contributing to it.

I can honestly say that I am not the reason my husband was using. But I can say that I helped contribute to his drug use in how I handled things. Again, I didn't do this and it's far from my fault. But there were things I could fix of myself that would remove me from the contributing category.

As I tell my 6 yr old son, we're good people. We just make bad choices. And we always have a chance to turn it around. But ALWAYS take responsibility for your behaviors.

Good post Cardinal!

I wholeheartedly support your view Janlor. At the risk of sounding ridiculous myself, I believe that Satan is very real. Just as real as God Almighty. I believe that both of them have opposing plans. One stemming from LOVE and the other from Hate.
I further believe that as a result when many God fearing families who are moving the "Kingdom" forward through love and service are targeted by Satan. His temptations are sometimes more determined at their children as a strategy to disrupt family, and distract the committed believer in addition to discouraging and hopefully turning them away from God their only true source of help. I think he targets everyone in general, just that he has more to gain from believers who are a threat to his kingdom and power.
If he can succeed at discouraging and distracting us we sometimes lose the power of our witness and our service, which ultimately helps him.
I realize this sounds goofy to most and that I'm blaming the devil, but that is not the whole of what I'm saying. I mean to say that he TEMPTS with a vengence and that if our nature is not strong enough to resist by whatever method, willpower for some, God's help for other's we will fall prey to so many wrong choices that bring harm to ourselves and to those around us.
Just sayin....

http://www.erikbohlin.net/Handouts/Coming_from_dysfunction.pdf
http://voices.yahoo.com/functional-family-vs-dysfunctional-family-4998382.html

I just have to say since i am the mom of an addict as well as the daughter of an alcoholic i am sad to see that there are even some among us that still want to place blame. I do not drink because growing up with a functioning alcoholic dad helped to shape my views as to what i wanted to not be in life a fallen down drunk in fool who is absolutely embarrassing at times. Although i love my dad very much and he was always a great provider to our family his own shortcoming with alcohol has made him miss out on a lot of wonderful moments in life. My experience of being a mom to an addict has been an even worse nightmare that i wouldn't wish on anyone. I tried for 8 years through infertility to have my son. I named him Matthew because it means a gift from God which i truly believe he is addiction problems and all. My point is no child was wanted more than he. I am so grateful to have him (as well as my 2 beautiful girls) i gave him what i wanted and could afford to i loved him endlessly and always will however i always raised him with the attitude that you own up to your mistakes and tell the truth no matter what if you do something wrong apologize be respectful to your teachers elders etc... Control your temper and treat others as you want to be treated etc etc and when he didn't he was held accountable if it was when he was 4 and took someone else's toy or 12 and stole a pack of gum from the store once he disrespected his lunch aide in school and told me shes not a teacher i don't have to listen to her so i set him straight and made him apologize and i always always stuck to my punishments with him. If he was grounded for a certain time i never let him off on good behavior . I saw many of my friends parents due that while i was a teen and they ended up being the worst kids cause they knew they could get out of trouble. I tried my best to show my son love and responsibility and to raise him in a way that would end up making him a happy healthy well liked adult somewhere along the lines for whatever reason only God knows my son strayed. Is it my fault? I can confidently say absolutely not i would never want this for my son not in a million years. I don't hold degrees on psychology , i am not a doctor just a mom who tried to lead by good example and some way things did not turn up perfect. I don't mean to criticize you katrinka but i recall not too long ago you stated your son was drinking a bit too much and you were concerned as any mom would be but could others point a finger at you because you raised your kids around an alcoholic and then a crack addict?(Luckily for you none of your kids ended up as addicts )Some would i will not just making a point that in the end no one can really control another person especially adults we try our best and hope and pray things turn out all right but sometimes they just don't. I wish i would have known the signs you speak of that were there because i would do anything to go back and try and change what has happened with my son. I always knew where he was and with whom when he was a young teen as he got a little older i thought he knew better because that is how he was raised i was wrong. I am not perfect but in the end i know in,my heart i did everything possible not to have this happen in my family but it did anyway. I appreciate you always taking the time to post articles and information regarding addiction. But i do take offense to basically being told my sons addiction is my fault i know you stated that isn't always the case but it is really hurtful to blame a parent for their children's choices. I wonder why then in so many families where their are multiple children who end up wonderfully and one that is an addict how did that happen? If they all grew up in the same environment with the same rules parents etc why do many many families still find themselves with an addict amongst them? I would love to hear your theory on this subject. As far as needing God or not to be a good person i don't need God to make me a good person but i WANT God in my life to make me a better person Dee

Wow, what a post Kim!!! Sure got my blood pumping as I read through each of the responses. I think there's a lot of truth in what everyone has posted - true I'm taking the safe road but there's so much that's contributed to my addict's situation. There's also a lot that isn't on point which supports my first and formost belief that addiction is non-discriminatory, crosses all beliefs and has no particular path when raised in a functional vs. non-functional family. It is a disease that accepts no prisoners, only casualities and why it's so darn hard to fight against. The contributing factors are just so darn random that it's near impossible to determine who and who won't be affected by its allure...

Isn't it hypocritical for us to tell people who come to this board, that by staying with an addict their children have a higher chance of being addicts themselves. Yet we do not look at our own past lives and say I made some mistakes, I am sorry for them and especially ones who go to alanon and are suppose to make amends to those they hurt. There is nothing wrong with saying to your adult child I made mistakes, I should of stopped worrying so much about what the addict was doing instead I should of made sure my children were safe and did not grow up in dysfunction.
I did not say every child who grows up and does drugs or drinks it is because of their up bringing. I said that children who grow up in an environment where one or both parents do drugs has a higher chance of doing the same. Nor did I say we need to play the blame game, but we do need to help others so that at least for a few they do not have to grow up and suffer with addiction.
If we tell the addict they need to own up to their responsibility, then don't you think if you drank every weekend and or did drugs while your child was in your home, don't you have a responsibility also to face the fact that yes, your adult child is an addict because of your past behavior. There is nothing wrong with owning up to past mistakes.
As for my son, he did not go back to drinking and I was concerned after him and his wife lost their full term baby a month ago, but he is doing well and seeing a grief counselor to help him and his wife during this terrible time. I also told all my adult children I am sorry I stayed with their dad so long, I should of left. I except this was my own decision, I do not shrink away from it...It is what it is, but at least I am not hiding in miss truths.I also talked with son and daughter about my crack addicted husband, but for the most part he was kind to us and he had to deal with his own demons. I do see how staying effected my adult children and even though they do not drinking or do drugs; I see other behaviors that come from living with an alcoholic and drug addict, we have talked about them and we are really a close bunch. They know I made mistakes, they know in actuality that I came from parents who were alcoholic's I was following what I thought was a normal life. Heck didn't everyone drink every weekend? I had no clue, nor did my brothers and sister who most drank or did drugs.
Dee I am sorry that this effected you so personally, I do not know your past life and I never said every parent should be blamed. As far as god I said if having faith is important to you then that is good,but I would hope as a society we know how we should act and what we should do. There have been studies done that people who have faith live happier lives.

Katrinka i was trying to make a point that addiction truly knows no bounds anyone can be affected you can come from the best home in the world where everything was done right and still turn in to an addict and the flip side of that coin is you can come from the worst environment in the world and end up a pillar of the community. I really believe that a lot of it is genetic and unfortunately people may not even go into it aware of the fact that one flip of that switch may be all that is needed to become addicted. I hold my son responsible for his actions and he knows it. My son should have known better without a doubt but he danced with the devil and lost and we have all paid the price for his poor choice. I know i have not been the perfect parent but who is i smoke (bad example) i curse again bad example but drugs and drinking have never had a place in my household. My husband doesn't drink either were just not into it. I don't condemn anyone that chooses to have a couple of drinks responsibly thats fine. As far as your ex husbands again i was not judging you just making a point that some would say you should have left for your kids sake but i know real life is not so cut and dry there are always extenuating circumstances. You did the best you could I'm sure at the time and i was just saying your lucky your kids are not addicts because they saw it and are genetically predisposed. I know your son lost his baby and i was truly heartbroken for all of you i really am your son and his wife have suffered the greatest tragedy that can befall anyone and i pray they can someday have less pain from their loss. I didn't mean your son was drinking recently but i do recall you stating something to that affect awhile back. I like you Katrinka you have always been the first one to do research for a lot of people on here and quite honestly i know you do not have to do that i have seen a few other people on here try and give you a hard time in the past and i felt bad because i didn't think you deserved it but i also think until you have walked in the shoes of the parent of an addict you cant fully understand the affect it has on them again I was not judging you on your past relationships but just trying to express the idea of luck rolled in your favor and for me i wasn't that lucky.i hold no hard feelings towards you and everyone is entitled to their own opinions but sometimes it is wise to watch how we get our message across take care. Dee. P.S. so sorry Kim for having this controversy on your post .

To all my friends,,, by no means did I mean to start battle ground,,,
I apologize with all my heart and soul!!