I have a child myself so I'm not immune to a "mother's guilt" but, I think your missing my point. How is an addict who has lost control of their lives learn that they are capable of controlling their choice?That their life is not a trajectory of drug abuse but that they can wake up tomorrow and CHOOSE to recover. If you make all your child's choices and bail them out of the consequences you aren't helping them. You are killing them. Do you go to ALanon or Narc anon? The "I know I"m enabling but I feel guilty" is not healthy for anyone.

Hanna, many people have given you good advice here. Ultimately, the best thing for you to do is attend your NarcAnon meetings very regularly to get the support that you need.

You will never understand how this happened to your daughter. She made these decisions as an adult. The primary reason that the center isnt working with you is that your daughter legally makes her own decisions and gives permission for who they speak to about what. It doesnt matter that you pay the bills.

Your first concern has to be you. Yes, as a mother you are devastated and you want to do everything to help her. But, our kind of love for an addict or alcoholic is a "killing" love. The more you enable her by supporting her, you are killing her. It is bold but true. So, every time you feel guilty for not giving her financial support, consider it. She will do everything in her power to make you feel guilty. Hell, she doesnt have to try too hard, you are already doing it to yourself.

Tough Love is never easy. It was the most difficult thing I ever did with two of my four sons. Our stipulations were....you can live here, eat here, be with the family, as long as you dont use or sell drugs or alcohol. They were required to go to rehab, meetings 3-4 times a week, work a full time job and go to school even if it was one class. They were both over 18. They were also required to pay ALL their own bills. They were tested at our discretion without warning. If they did not comply, they had 24 hours to move out. They were also not allowed to have contact with any of their old friends that had drug or alcohol issues.

The most difficult thing for me was the day I tested my oldest son and he was positive for opiates. I didnt have to tell him, he knew to pack up and leave. I cried for weeks. He is clean now over a year, healthy, working, going to school. However, he will soon go to jail for breaking probation a year ago. Great system we have.

My point is, that as much as it hurts you to let go, it will hurt more if she dies. You have to let her go to discover the world on her own. Without the realization of what the "real" world is like, they never learn.

One other thing I should add is that when my oldest left, he hugged me and said he was sorry but he did not leave without anger and blaming me. He got over it and we have a better relationship now then ever. Before, it was the drugs talking. When he left here, we said we would support him emotionally in whatever way we could, that he would always be our son. But, NO MONEY, NO SUPPORT.

If your daughter is truly serious about recovering and is learning what they are teaching her, she would dis the boyfriend and work toward stability. That should be your first clue. When my sons came out of rehab, it was difficult, but they did not return to their old friends. They learned what was best for them.

Today, both my sons have thanked us for how we handled things with them. They both have friends whose parents enabled them and those men are still addicted or dead today.

Love your daughter enough to let her go, if she truly loves you, she will return a better person.

Hugs

Hi Guys, I always try to watch Intervention on A&E I really believe knowledge is power. Anyway there is a term the addicts use for the time they are in rehab and its called "spin dry". I think this means they let themselves clean up, take a break etc. lower their tolerance and then when they do use again I guess maybe they get a better high. Also just because they have beeen in rehab for however long. It doesn't always take and they go right back to using when they get out. It is so sad but unfortunately the bitter truth. Deb

I've watched addiction tear apart my ex boyfriend's life; he's used drugs since he was a teen trying to cope with an abusive father and even then his parents didn't confront him. They know that he's using; they know how serious the drugs he's using are, and they know how bad it is because I've finally broken up with him and they know that's why. They still help him. They aren't pushing him to go into recovery; they won't even confront him about the drugs. I realize this is very different than many of you, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish they wouldn't help him. He needs to be on his own and figure out if he's really willing to throw his life away. And by helping him constantly, by giving him a little money here or there or even just by ignoring that his life is an absolute mess, they are not only enabling him but I think in a lot of ways that are feeding into his belief that he's really fine. Please draw the line with your children. I know it's not easy, but after dating someone who constantly manipulates his parents to get what he wants and convinces them that he's fine, I guess I would just beg all of you to draw that line. As a partner/spouse/etc there is only so much that we can do when our beloved addict can simply run back to mom or dad for money, support, etc, etc... If you help her, buy her groceries, but draw the line at helping her much as long as she is living her with her addict bf. There's no way she's going to get better if she's with him, and watching her fall back down the rabbit hole with him is only going to torment you. You can make her angry. She'll come back to you because she doesn't have anywhere else to go. I would encourage you to put your foot down--either she moves in with you or into a safe home. Or she stays with you while she looks for a job and her own place--at least then she has a shot at staying clean. I don't know. I just feel awful for everyone suffering throug this. Watching the man that I love more than anything in the world be trapped by this addidction has truly broken my heart completely. Please don't let her use you.

I'm to tth epoint where I would have a hard time even helping out with groceries. I mean if they are using their money fo rdrugs,and I'm buying fgroceries, how is that not enabling. My son needed work boots and nrew contacts desperately, andit was driving me nuts thathe didn't have those things, but I just felt like it wouldn't be right, when I knew his $400 a week check was goign to drugs. Now if he were homeless, and jobless, itwould be different. I would buy him food, clothes,and neccesities. It truly is a horrible thing we are all dealing with.

First, sorry, for all of those typos. I was reading my own post, andI feel like I contradicted myself. I said I would buy his neccesities. The fact is, I don't know what I would do if he were homeless. So far we haven't reached that point.